The 'Unritalin Solution'

[dspicelady]

I have sooooo been where you are! For the last 18 years! My daughter and husband and I have ADHD. I have “walked her through” everything for years. I almost had a breakdown (truth? I DID have a breakdown) because I was so burned out over trying to remember where I put my damn car keys as well as managing every aspect of my daughter’s and husband’s life. I had to stop. It has been very hard. The teeth, the shower……it’s like you’re talking about my life. I remind them of things only rarely now. It’s their problem. My daughter almost didn’t get into college because of her procrastination on assignments in high school. Just today (after numerous reminders to bring her wallet in from the car), she had her wallet swiped. So…it’s gonna cost her. I guarantee she will not do it again. Because she will have to do all of the running around to replace her licence etc. If I had continued to be her checklist and reminder, she would never experience the required consequences. I only had to lose my debit card 14 times before I finally figured out to put it back in my wallet NOW! She will have to fall on her face before she learns to do what she needs to do.
We tend to take care of too much for our children with ADHD; and for obviously good reasons. I’m not suggesting allowing your child to walk into traffic, but maybe allow her to fail at something that’s important to her. She eventually will need to survive on her own. Little steps now may help that happen.
PS. My daughter had to have 12 cavities filled because she would forget to brush her teeth after going into the bathroom to do just that. She hates needles so much that she now brushes her teeth without me asking. As far as showering? Someone at school told her she smelled one day. Showers happen regularly too. The behaviours/routines have to get into their longterm memory. This happens more effectively when there is some emotional investment on their part.

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[daddyrocks]

Scattybird and dspicelady thank you so much for your valuable words. You are so right. There is no learning without an emotional investment. I have been working so hard to protect them from themselves. I need to just ‘let go’ and let them figure it out for themselves. I loved reading your posts. Someone understands! And I understand too. They’re good people, they’ll eventually get it right. My husband had such a hard time growing up – he had no support at all. I was trying to do it right. Give them what he didn’t have and save them the pain of getting it wrong. But, I’ll always be here to bail them out if it gets bad. Otherwise, the lessons are going to have to be hard. It’s painful, but I’ll try not to get too involved. (Is this what Barbara Coloroso meant?! Of course, natural consequenses, which are so hard.) Thanks ladies! It’s a relief to know it’s ok to let it go. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

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[Scattybird]

K  – dspicelady gave some good advice.

Yes it is OK to let go and your children will feel secure because they will know they have a loving Mother who will pick them up when they fall down. They already know the boundaries and they are very fortunate to grow up in such a wonderful home.  Good luck with your new found ‘liberation’ – you’re still their Mother, but by letting go a bit you will also become their friend, which is a lovely relationship to have with them when they are older.

 

 

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[dithl]

Wow, what a cool exchange. Way to go, all, and good luck K.

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[daddyrocks]

Thank you for your kind words Scattybird. And to all. Good luck to everyone as well. This is a challenging condition. It’s not easy. I will always worry for our girls. I always hope for the best.

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