Unchangeable feeling of DOOM

[redarno]

I’m sorry, i think it’s just a phase, but i really need to vent right now…
It might get a little weird…and very long 🙂

Do any of you ever get this feeling?
Like if there’s a god or somekind of superior entity watching over our lives or something, it’s probably laughing it’s ass off witnessing your cycle of trials & errors?
I do.

It’ll soon be 2 years since i learned about ADHD. Medication didn’t work but i entered a daycare center last year for CBT, which i have to admit helped me a lot with depression and anxiety. I still attend to this day.

And yet, the struggle is the same.
And even though i’m happier than i ve ever been (well,ok, not today…), i still can’t get myself to move on with my life.
Because even though i have a lot of varied projects, i can’t commit to any of them.

I still feel completely lost in this world and of course ADD is not going to help you figuring it out.
I was talking about the higher entity because i really feel like the disorder is some kind of f****** sick joke on my behalf somedays, and this is one of those days.

I’m getting fed up with the way i can’t commit to anything career related.
I’ve been spending the last months with a whiteboard planning the whole week ahead, trying to put my fat ass back on the rails of my failed studies, learning new skills, trying to get a better life hygiene.
Which of course did not happen, because i can’t get myself to choose. And because no matter what, even after 1 year of CBT, everything just feels totally hopeless.

I can feel inhumanely optimistic when going to bed, like the blue tomorrows are coming at dawn, like nothing can stop me anymore.
But of course, yes, something can stop me.

It’s like
“oh ok, i can see clear now, this is what i’m going to try to do with my life for the next year, i’m going to commit to this full-time, this is it,
and if it doesn’t work well at least i tried”
I feel like that a lot.

Usually, not for more than 2 hours.

If i can’t sleep, my own inner voice talks me out of the choice i made earlier
If i do fall asleep, well nothing happens. The heat has died and i feel like procrastinating till daybreak.
I can’t begin to describe how infuriating it still is and i am really, really fed up with that shit.
I read somewhere that marijuana can help with adhd and i have to admit that it does. I feel way more motivated and in control of my own actions when i smoke.
I keep having those deep monologues where i feel like the time, and the ability for me to take control of my life has finally come.

But nooo

I’ve got so much more important things to do when the morning rises, like catching up with the latest tv shows episodes, keep sleeping so i can be sure to procrastinate effectively, or practicing the skin flute .
Or beat myself up mentally because i just remembered that i had an appointment 3 days ago, which had been planned for months but i guess it’s not my fault.
And when my inner voice is too loud, when even without a joint i can get up on my own two feet and ACT (because in the end, I KNOW I CAN), well something else ruins it.
Like yesterday, when feeling motivated to work on some tutorials, i discover with much awe that photoshop decided not to work anymore overnight.
So after hours of trying to fix the problem, i just give up and don’t do anything. And if it’s not the software, well something else will come up.

Hence my felling that sometimes the whole universe is actually TRYING to make me fail whatever i do.
And when there’s no problem, i always find myself so frustrated with not nailing it like a boss that i don’t even want to proceed, or i just have this tilt in my mind that makes me believe that i have to check the internet like my life depends on it.
Or i can do it tomorrow, i’m not in the right mindset.
Or i’ll never have time.
Or i’d rather shout out my problems at people who already have their own.

I might not be lazy but it really feels so.
And so, nothing changes. And since trying harder doesn’t work, well…

You know what’s the worst in this to me?
The people around me.
The few friends i have who actually believe(d) in me, and try to talk me into getting my life better, getting to know this girl, going out to get a job so i won’t have to go back at my parent’s again, working on my strength that they know i could do something beautiful with.
And i feel so grateful for having those people around, so WHY CAN’T I DO ANYTHING?!
I always end up feeling guilty wasting so much time, it sucks that i still do it.

I mean ADD or not, how do i let myself still disappoint these people i care about and who do care, to the extent where some can’t stand the sight of me anymore for still being the same inneffective loser?!
It’s not like i haven’t been trying to explain. They usually don’t understand.
One of the best friend i ever had shut me out because she thought i was just trying to find excuses.

And how the f*** could i blame her?

It doesn’t matter how adult i want to feel, I still need people to tell me what i need to do, and when they do, i take no actions.
And it’s not like i don’t want to.
But that’s what it eventually looks like to them, and they get tired of always having to cheer up the poor little me.
Even when i don’t want them to.

I resent myself for this. And i know it’s not in my control.

But you know, Even when i try to be smiley and cheerful, i get turned down.
And then i’m the one who has to apologize when all i wanted was to have a good time with the said person, but since they’re so into my irresponsible child personnality they feel like they have to treat me this way.
Even when i still feel that flame of motivation and do the best i can, it is NEVER enough.
In the end, i am the one who’s toxic.
And NOTHING can change that.

So today, feeling a bit down, i go to the great pit of knowledge that is the internet for more insight i already have about how to handle adhd if you’re unmedicated.
(it appears that you actually can’t.)
and between a few stories of tired parents and spouses there’s this message again about how add’ers are so lucky to have this gift that makes them creative geniuses.

I guess we all felt that feeling of boiling rage you can only let out by destroying stuff around you.
Reading that stuff turned me batsh*t nuts.

I mean if i’m so creative at finding ways at life,how do i suck at it so much?!
If i’m such a genius, how come i always need people to tell me where i need to go?
Why can’t i just figure out a way to even choose what i want my life to be?

I’m so sick and tired of reading everywhere, and ffs, knowing that i have a lot of potential, only to find that i can’t reach it because my brain doesn’t work ‘normally’, but i shouldn’t worry it’s not a big deal!
i either need medication i can’t find in my country or a coach i can’t afford.
The worst is seeing that it does work for a lot of people, so again it’s gotta be me.

After like 8 years of therapies and only one that’s been really effective, my life still feels completely out of control.
Still feel like it’s pointless to even try, like in some way, something will go wrong and ruin everything.

F*** my life. F*** this disorder.
I hate feeling like i’m better off dead but i do.

I know i’ll feel better tomorrow, but reality will still be the same.
And i still won’t be able to do anything about it because my very own best is still not enough.
And i will still fail numerous times with a small chance of ever getting it right.
And people will still turn their back on me because of the miserable life i can’t seem to escape.
And yet i still believe i can make it.
Maybe that’s the real issue here. Maybe i just really can’t accept my own truth.

Sorry about this, it’s gone on way too long…

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[seabassd]

@redarno

Sorry to hear that you haven’t had much success with meds. I’m also sorry to hear that there are certain meds that you cannot acquire in your country. Not sure which meds you are referring to but I do hope that you eventually  find something that will work for you. It always irritates me to hear about situations where certain meds are not available to consumers for whatever reason. I always think there’s some prejudice involved.

I just wanted to let you know that I can totally relate to where you’re at. I know that feeling of doom. I think it’s a pretty common feeling for many ADDrs. We’ve made so many perceived missteps over the years, even despite our best efforts, that we begin to expect failure and difficulty. We see the same cycle repeat itself over and over and over and over and over that eventually we begin to loose hope or at least struggle to hold on to hope. I’m in the process of pulling myself out of another hole right now. I’ve been here before, more than once, more than twice, more than…

The funny thing about us ADDrs is that YOU JUST CAN’T KEEP US DOWN. We stumble, fall and get back up, time and time again. Sure there’s times when we think we’re down for the count, but somehow we find a way to get back up. We deal with and overcome things that many people don’t have to deal with. I think I cherish  this quality about myself more than anything else, even MORE THAN WHAT CREATIVITY I MAY POSSESS.

I don’t have any solution for you as I’m sort of  in the same place right now. Actually I’m just coming out on the other side. I posted on the forums just like you’re doing now and received some advice which helped me quite a bit. Actually when I look back on any success I’ve had in my life, it usually started with the compassion and understanding of another person. I truly think we find strength in others, especially others who can relate to us and us to them.

I know that one of the mistakes I make is comparing myself to  NORMAL (whatever that is). I think I’m realizing now that the goal isn’t to be normal, but it’s about making improvements and changes to my life within the context of my skills, abilities and limitations (or differences) that leads to a life that fits me.  I’m not always going to meet the expectations of others and that’s o.k. I realize now that I’m going to have a pretty rocky life if I constantly base my worth on the opinions of others.

I think this most recent setback I had taught me …

1)to reach out to others (which you’re doing here)

2)forgive myself ,lighten up on myself.

3)not see everything in All or Nothing terms.

4)realize I can only do today what I can based  on where I’m at and that’s o.k. If people don’t totally understand that’s fine.

 

I went long here. Primarily I just want you to know that I’m listening and I understand. Sometimes that’s the thing we need the most.

 

Hang Tough!

 

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[seabassd]

@redarno

You also might want to check out some of  the videos that Rick puts together. They always give me a bit of a boost.

This one might be appropriate. http://totallyadd.com/lack-of-progress/

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[redarno]

Thanks for the reply

Its just as you said, nothing can really keep me down for good either and i have learned stuff in therapy that keeps me from going under again too fast…

Youre right when you say that the important thing is to reach out which i don’t usually do because i think everyone here has their own load of bs to cope with

But just putting my frustration into words helped me a lot and im glad that i did ,just that made me feel better And so did your words

But the forgiving part is hard lol

Guess i still have some work to do…

Thanks for replying

It helps to know that someone get it 🙂

Good luck to you too

 

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[sar316]

@redarno,

Something that has recently helped me to get out of the vortex of doom is getting out of the mindset of trying to fix what’s wrong with me and really focusing on how I can get even better at the things that are right with me.

I suck at what I suck at and I’m going to be amazing at what I’m good at. And it’s just too damn bad if anyone has a problem with the things I suck at. Sure I will work on them, but I have no problems if I’m not perfect at them because I’m the only one that I need to impress. No one else is in charge of getting my body and mind to do things so I’m not going to worry about what they think in regards to what I can and cannot do.

Try to lay off the drill sergeant and give yourself credit where credit is due, even if its simply getting out of bed today. I find that when I celebrate the little wins, like getting out of bed or preparing supper instead of eating out, I am much more likely to do more than if I constantly tell myself that whatever I do isn’t good enough.

So my advice sums up to forgetting to fix what’s ‘wrong’ with you and excel at what’s right, screw other peoples judgements because they don’t know what it takes to run your mind/body and don’t treat yourself any worse than you would treat anyone else because your just a human too.

 

 

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[redarno]

@sar316

thanks for the advice
about excelling ,i completely agree with you here,
i put myself such high standards i can’t help comparing with others’ work without giving myself the time to progress

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[dithl]

@redarno: Oh my gosh, I just spent 45 minutes writing a response to you, and my browser crashed! Booo!

Short form:

Followed by the Hamster Dance. Which I think is what broke my browser, so serves me right.

I can’t re-write right now, but will try to get on here and re-post again soon. It was (I hope) inspiring in a weird, funny way.
So hang in there, and someone remind me to re-post in a few days if I haven’t?

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[redarno]

@ dithl

Omg i hadn’t even noticed you replied haha

Do you remember what you wanted to say in the first place?

And this happens to me way too much^^
I usually keep the notepad open so i can copy/paste the message because the firefox has a crashing habit with me too

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