To Confront or Not to Confront…

[wiredonjava]

Hey there,

I’d like some advice on relationships. A fellow ADD friend of mine asked me a few days ago whether it was worth it to tell them how you REALLY felt about them. This has been puzzling me for days because I’ve had the same experience he has that when you do take a gamble and let your feelings out finally, then the other person uses this as an excuse to end the relationship. Or manipulate or stone-wall you! So here I endure disrespect for days, weeks, months, etc., giving the other person the time and space to figure out their issues and come around, yet they don’t! They continue to act like selfish jerks. Is it really my job to steer them straight or do I avoid them and stuff my feelings? I’ve had more luck in this regards with men because I find them more basic (like utility turkeys) whereas women are complicated (like cornish hens) Last night I told a relative in her mid twenties that she was acting like a b*tch to me (Okay, I was at end of my rope) Well, she has been mean and rejecting towards me constantly for nearly a month now and I’m a very patient person (come on ladies, we can’t claim hormone issues 100% of the time as an excuse) and I heard that rejection is the one negative emotion that you can actually physically feel pain and I think it’s true. And I heard that if you value your relationship and want to improve it then it’s worth mentioning when you are disappointed. I realize that there is a formula to follow though. Like first you start with a positive such as  saying what you like about them, then using ‘I feel’ statements so that they don’t feel attacked. It just feels like so much work at times. Makes me want to be a hermit you, know? Is it a common phenomenom to be taken advantage of and treated like garbage just because one has ADHD?

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[Scattybird]

It depends on what is going on with them. If someone is depressed or having a hard time over something then I’ll turn the other cheek and tolerate being treated like garbage for a while.

If there are no mitigating circumstances then I don’t tolerate being treated like garbage. A friendship will always have highs and lows, but across those there should be mutual respect and liking. If a friendship is one sided then it drains the mental energy from you. You can try and explain to them that certain behaviour is hurtful and if they don’t change it then they won’t.

Whether I confront them or not depends on mood and circumstances. When I was younger I would probably be outspoken but now I would probably just reduce when I saw them and ‘wean’ them off the friendship. Having said that, it might depend on whether I have taken my meds.  🙂 Today I am mellow……. tomorrow…..is another day…..

As a rule of thumb, adults don’t change their personality. I don’t think it’s necessarily an ADHD thing. There are always ‘energy-suckers’ out there right across the board. The trick is to find friends who won’t sap you of your energy.

Easy to say I know, but I would rather be alone and/or lonely than miserable because of the actions, words, comments, patronising looks of someone else. We’ve all been there and life is frankly too short.

I LOVE your  utility turkeys vs Cornish hens analogy – it’s brilliant – you gave me the best laugh I’ve had all month! 🙂

I don’t think I have given the right response in general having re-read your post?  The people that treat me as garbage generally treat everyone like that, we have to know we deserve respect from people in the same way as everyone else.

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[blackdog]

It depends a lot on the situation, and how important the relationship is to you. I would say rather than using the old start with a positive then hit them over the head tactic it’s better to try framing the whole thing as positively as possible.

Example: Instead of saying “you’ve been a real b**ch to me”, try saying something like “I’m sure you don’t mean to do it, but you really hurt my feelings when you ______”.

Gawd, I can’t believe I am saying that. Its the kind of sappy crap that makes me sick when I hear it. 🙄

I am probably the worst person to give any kind of advice about relationships. I’m the one who tells the boss what I really think, or mouths off to other employees who then go and tell the boss, and gets fired. And certain members of my family will barely acknowledge my existence. It’s not entirely my fault. In fact, it’s mostly theirs. But it all started with me telling them what I think.

I also endure disrespect for much longer than I should. There were countless times when I should have just said take this job and shove it, but I stayed and kept plodding away, deluding myself into thinking eventually they would notice how hard I’m working, see how valuable I was. I let people treat me like a doormat, just for the sake of keeping the job, or the friendship. Like the one friend who would call me up and ask if I wanted to go shopping with her, and then leave me sitting in the car to watch her kids so she could do her shopping without them getting in the way.

So I guess the best advice I could give is: Don’t be like me. 😯

 

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