Unmitigated Disaster seeks like minded to pump him full of morphine. Pay……

[Anonymous]

Commiserate with experience….

OK, So i really don’t want, nor need, to be put into a coma with pain meds. However it’s safe to say that I am at what HAS to be close to the end of my tolerance of myself. I suppose it’s fair to say that i have fairly said that same unfair thing for the better part of 3 decades. But this time, i mean it damnit! I am trying to get through this with a bit of levity, but the seriousness of this can’t be overstated. I have been a complete and total mystery to myself and those around me for as long as i can remember. I think (probably wrongly) if i alienated people because i had some physical disability or deformity I could better take the judgement, abandonment, and alienation. Oh, and the loneliness, the despair, and discontent, well that plus the turmoil, the unrelenting anxiety and hopelessness. I don’t know that there would be any less pain associated with that, but at least I would have a clear reason why and I could offer myself up some semblance of positive reinforcement that I actually might be able to swallow. “Mark, you have two heads and people aren’t used to two headed people” or whatever. But I am tall and look way stronger than i really am, I feel so feeble, as if everyone who sees me thinks, “I have no idea who that guy is, but he is a loser, that I am sure of. Now, where are the canned yams” I feel this constant judgement and constant uneasiness with myself. Like everyone knows everything about me, How is it I determine doing nothing is an acceptable thing? How is it that when the weight of the world is on me, I do NOTHING? I feel like such a coward. So soft and mushy and pliable. I am disgusted with myself, i live in a mess i can not control. How does it get like this so damned fast?!

I guess these are rhetorical questions and if they are read by anyone, there is no need to answer them. Just say hi, or hang in there, or, look both ways before crossing, Don’t drive angry. That kind of thing.

P.S. Thanks for your website and your videos. They have been a great help to me already as i deal not only with my own set of issues that’s longer than national geographic, but my son has recently been diagnosed with ADHD as well. Great resource for him and i to look at together, you know, if we get around to it,.

REPORT ABUSE

[g.laiya]

hi mark! glad you found this place!

“how is it i determine doing nothing is an acceptable thing?how is it that when the weight of the world is on me, i do nothing…….”

well, i don’t think we actually determine “doing nothing is an acceptable thing” – we just do it (do nothing, or do the wrong thing)…and then feel horrible about it….

i can relate all too well, except it took me til almost 48 yo to get the diagnosis and start to figure things out….still working on it. meds are helping a lot with some things, but still have, it seems, a long and difficult road ahead – definitely a work in progress.

but, i can say that at least there has been some progress, even if only baby steps sometimes. and i finally feel like i am moving in generally the right direction, even if it feels like it’s happening sloooowly.

“hang in there”!

hang in there!

REPORT ABUSE

[trashman]

Well said, I too only found out at age 47 and it has not been easy. the good news for you is that you have found a place that you can be honest,and have found a group that can relate. SO fell free to share, knowing that we understand.

GOOD LUCK STARTS HERE FOR YOU!!!!

ps remember, you are no alone anymore!

REPORT ABUSE

[Author]

Posts