USA male W/ADHD violently attacked now I suffer from PTSD as well

[Anonymous]

SURE I DO NOT MIND…… cauze everyone asks! The attacker was caught, convicted and sentenced ! Quickly. So you do not need to hyperfocus that he is coming to get you…… Don’t worry I think about the knife, the battle and face everyday for us all…….. It was unprovoked, never knew him and it was in the middle of the day in a not so bad residential area……….

Thank goodness for………. fight/flight reflexes, I was physically healthy (contractor) , for unknown witnesses coming forward and a quick multi unit response from the competant PD from the town where the attack took place…..

I have read it is not uncommon for those with ADHD to become the victims of crimes. If you have been and can relate at all please reach out……..It has been about 11 months since incident and I feel my ADHD symptons are getting worse to the point medications are going to be necesary as seeing just a therapist and 3/4 of the holistic aproach is not doing the trick…… I am also having career ending surgery soon because of the asault (I will follow the follow/up care and physical therapy to a T) BUT < (yep I hate that word also) I have to be realistic as 3 surgeons strongly suggested to seek a much less physically demanding career….. That is gonna be tough as my ADHD outlet and strength has been doing physical labor as a contractor…..

I have a feeling college or vocational rehabilitation EEEKKSSS……… @48 is in the cards. If again anybody can relate. I apreciate the “glad u are still breathing” but I am past that and breathing ok at leat keyboarding…… Now I need to take forward steps … one at a time….. so if you have “Gulp”! experienced anything close to these issues ADHD W/PTSD I am here and willing to share!

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[Anonymous]

Wow,Have you checked out the book. Scattered Minds by Gabor Mate, aparently many in jail today have Adhd,(definitely not an axcuse) started to read it my self, but my type of reading is scaning it back to front to decide if I want to read it ,anyway , i hav read soom of your other posts, we hav simularities for sure, but not the attack,or ADHD W/PTSD , Don’t be afraid of meds, they can level out the thoughts for sure,

G

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[Anonymous]

G,

Thanks I will look into the suggested lterature…. I will admit the MED thing bothered me…… I allowed myself to become influenced by a bias individual whom had many reasons to negatively influence me about the benefits of the proper use of medications. Since becoming educated my view has changed…….. I look forward to a leveller um levelness ugh…….. a more even thought process. Thanks…

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[Anonymous]

Believe me, I do not have many answers, I bet the meds out there are getting better, many meds are used for completly differant things they where developed for,???? ya me too Good ,you are taking steps

G

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[Curlymoe115]

I have dealt with PTSD for the last 30 odd years. The flash backs still happen and they can be quite debilitating. The medications they put you on will help realign your blood chemistry to the point where you can again function. Since you have been a contractor for many years how about looking at the health and safety side of the practice, or there is always a need for competent inspectors to make sure the job has been done right. Different does not have to mean a loss, but a new challenge and as ADHD we are always up for a new challenge. Right now you should be focusing on being in the best mental shape that you can be when faced with the surgery. Most of recovery has to do with how mentally prepared you are to face the changes that you will experience.

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[Anonymous]

I have PTSD from domestic violence. It has made things extremely difficult. Especially when determining what is PTSD and what is ADHD. I think in someways PTSD has been more difficult to deal with. I have had flashbacks. I used to excessively shake my legs which i thought was ADHD but now I think it was in part PTSD. There is a therapy that is EMDR that I have used and was extremely helpful for me. EMDR is performed by a therapist who has been trained.

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[Saffron]

@njadd

All right, I’ve been there too, and I really feel for where you’re at right now, so I’ll try to pass on some insight from the other side. I really, really don’t want to go into detail about the actual event because it was a decade and a half ago, and doing so is akin to breaking the seal of fuzziness on a period whose effects I’ve since integrated psychologically. So concise version: I was left for dead, awoke coughing up blood, found my phone and dialed 911 just before someone found me. Attacker was found mentally fit to stand trial but later judged not criminally responsible by reason of mental illness. I moved to another city before his release.

I had support at the time from many corners and was cared for by loving friends, but felt profoundly alone inside my head for a long time. I felt as I had become irrevocably separated from others emotionally because no one else could relate to what had happened to me or what was going on in my head. Subsidized counselling I received from the victim-witness assistance program seemed to end just as I was coming out of shock from the whole thing and waking up to life with a head full of images and feelings I couldn’t corral. I sought but did not find affordable or accessible long-term trauma counselling. Looking back, I really wish now that I had simply gone to a primary care doctor and asked for some zoloft.

The ADD and the PTSD ran together. One absolutely makes the other worse. It took me about a year before the PTSD nightmares leveled off and I no longer automatically became vigilant at night. The daytime replays and intrusive mental imagery began receding around that time too. It was a lot longer before I could process information efficiently again. I would try to read things and would get stuck on the same sentence for over an hour, unable to take in the meaning of the words.

I can only describe my emotional life as having been completely rebooted that day. For a while I felt nothing (outside of the terror of replays). Then I came to have hair-trigger responses of tenderness to everything (a blade of grass shining in the sunlight, a toddler on the bus hugging her mother). I felt raw as a baby chick and strangely enlightened because there was no anger. At all. (That was the last feeling to come back.)

My best advice: You want to keep drawing yourself back toward the here and now as much as possible whenever your thoughts feel out of control. I found that one of the best ways to do this is by feeding as many of your senses as you can with pleasing stimuli that are oriented to the present. I had a companion dog whose warm fur gave me an immediate tactile anchor. I put away all my music and started fresh with new stuff, eventually recording for myself a set of songs that would always relax me or make me feel good. I bought a lot of scented stuff.

In that first year of learning to sleep in the dark again, I changed to a job with pre-dawn hours that ended in the afternoon, when I would go home and sleep in the sunlight coming through my living room window. For good measure, I bought all new bedding and got rid of any items that evoked the past. Since I had been so focused on death (comes with trying to wrap your head around having almost died), I started collecting plants to help myself focus on nurturing life. (I’m a full-blown gardener now, btw.) Finally, to regain my physical confidence, I joined a martial art studio. Wow, did that ever help me.

The compulsive replays started to really come to a halt after I wrote down everything that had happened to me in minute detail and made myself sick of reading it. Sounds weird, but it works. Also: it’s important, obviously, to keep in touch with people who have been supportive, even when your inclination is to self-isolate. They might not get you, but you need to practise being around people without focusing solely on what’s in your head.

Hope this helps a little.

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[Anonymous]

Curley,Plus and Saffron:

Been doing some soul searching on the career thing, career assesments and counselors. Tried college just a little bit ago when I first was diagnosed with ADHD but failled…. well passed some courses but not others.HMMMMM maybe a start.(As I always say I just learned a little bit more about myself)… That was before I really understood ADHD…

Weird about the surgeries…… I have had a major surgery 32 yrs ago turned out OK considering it was major and my knee is probably the only part of my body that does not hurt LOL .Had others in the last 6yrs or so (hernia, carpel tunnel) I have had tons of broken bones, concussion from sports , work over the last 48years…… so I am not sure why I am so skepticle…… I believe it is because I began to get to know and learn about these professionals personally over the last 6-8 years and knowing that some NO NOT ALL are really not worthy as to be put on that pedastal they think they deserve (Remember no matter if they graduate at the bottom or top of their class U still are called Dr and there are many schools and colleges all over the world) it is playing on my head…. I saw and spoke to many surgeons before I picked the one I did out of the immediate network so I do feel better ……..so I think I made a good choice, for me.

I will say I do hate the term “going under the knife”…Unfortunately The knife I was attacked with was extremely sharp and very similar to the one I used at work at everyjob. I cannot get that damn thing out of my head. the negative aspects of the knife as opossed to the positive….. Just after the assault I tried to go back to work many times but it involved the knife….. sometimes I was able to surpress the inner rememberence of the attack but most of the time I would get flash backs then I would fall apart shake, become so hyper vigillant that I could not concentrate on the job…… and guess what I often had to remember numbers and sizes to construct things as that was my task at my Job. Yep U guessed it, One of the main issues I had and one of the strong issues from my ADHD was remebering numbers I had to concentrate very hard on them before the attack can U imagine what happened and how frustrated I became after the attack.

Yes I tried EMDR and other forms of treatment but to no avail…..for the PTSD and the issues relating to that… Still doing the therapist thing and I am trying to become educated on that Syndrome……. Thought there was lots to learn about ADHD …… Try PTSD Whewwww. Better yet you should see the US Govt website on it…….. Did I say ‘Gov’t” . Crap! now I know why I am confused LOL In all honesty It looks like they are at least trying. The problem is they need a GOOD! private sector company like here at TotallyAdd to take all the information they have and educate with “non Bias”…… (Yeh right Gov’t) all people across the board and share all the information they have……. To be honest I think the Gov’t may find out that one of the biggest contributors of PTSD is ……… Trauma to the extreme DUHHHH Guess what Gov’t supported activity that is (Fill in the blanks 3) _ _ _.

OK……….. ADHD kicked in and I keyboarded 2 additional paragraphs about some of my opinions but because of all of your peeps out here in Totally ADD.com land I deleted them. Why! because they really are irelevant and this is not the appropriate venue to display them…. so to all I mean all (posters, docs and web site administrators) THANK YOU !

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[Anonymous]

To all, Thanks again and some more questions and insight if I may………..

Through the therapists I have seen regarding this incident and discussing many times the attack and trying to divert, surpress and even throw parts of it away into the sea I still find myself waking up at 3:30am almost every night even though the attack occured during the midday……… I then either try to read or listen to light music or visit sites like this to either assist addressing my ADHD or PTSD.

Did you have re-occuring flashbacks of very specific parts of your incident? What about nightmares about the whole thing in general? How did/do you handle the symptons of PTSD?

I hate the feeling of being startled to the point of jumping out of my skin from just what used to be normal chance encounters (such as walking around blind corner and bumping into to someone without first seeing them). The life disrupting edginess that overwhelms me just because being in a p/up truck reminds me of my incident just because it was the mode of transportation to get me where the attack was and because I was trying to get to the back of the open bed of the Pick up truck as I was negotiating with my agressor to get a piece of wood to use as a weapon of defense if I had to….. I keep waking during my nightmare when the knife is being drawn to my throat and I had to use all my strength to keep the attacker from slicing my throat after I refused to give him money. Now I cannot even get on my mobile work trailer without feeling despair and overly cautious because I am reminded of the attack due to the many sharp tools I used on it and specifically a knife similar to the one used at every jobsite.

Strong side note: His motive may have been to support a potential drug habit I later found out he may have had. Now I sometimes wonder to the point of feeling guilty what social or other possible conditions/syndromes led him to drug use……. (even I with ADHD never luckily went that route probably due to my upbringing, social environment and having subtypes of ADHD that did not enable a need or desire of that craving ) …….

I must admit I never new what a flashback was until now, .. for me…….Sure I have many memories of great things and bad things I have been exposed to in my life BUT these are… umm well… They are the most crisp and defined pictures of very specific aspects of the attack that somehow remain vivid and so clear for what seems like forever but probably only last a 100th of a second. For one with ADHD they seem oh so powerful as I cannot believe the clarity and preciseness they fill up my often cluttered mind that is often wondering or struggling to reign in the easiest daily tasks before me.

I remember the attack occuring without warning as I was being polite and courteous like so many times before by moving up onto a snow filled hill as to allow this uknown pedestrian walking down a typically normal residential suburban sidewalk to pass by without him having to get his feet full of snow. I remember the feeling of bewilderment as he pulled the hood of my sweatshirt over my head and put me in a headlock so initially all I could see only downward towards the snow covered ground and his forearm with the colored handled razor like knife as he drew it towards my throat with a ferocity to really injure or kill me that I had to fend off with all my physical strentgh and …I remember at this point vividly saying to myself this has to be a sick prank of a friend, a fellow contractor maybe as why would anyone else be doing this to me.. I then remember the elongated footprints in the snow as I tried to maintain traction as he tried to wrestle me to the ground while telling me give me all of your money but I maintained my ground and somewhat upright position as I put my hand out to the cold ground to prevent a complete fall. After a brief continued battle I finally somehow overpowered his battling awkwardness and I could escape his grip and finally get him off me and I could see his face. The young pale and bewildered face of the attacker I finally could view after I finally thwarted the physical attack,

After a split second of a reasessment of the situation I realized he still had the upper hand . He still had the knife. He was coming towards me with the knife extended and kept telling me to go towards the back of the home with him (where he would get me out of sight and put me back at his advantage) as I backed down the hill to regain my composure. I started to think of how could I know defend my self against this larger attacker so i retreated back towards my truck to seek a defensive weapon. (At this point a passer by stopped saw what was going on and asked if I was OK.. Umm he has a knife…..is what I wanted to say, but I said everything is OK as I was kind of afraid of what he might still do to me or even her…… as she was an older woman even if in a car he was only feet away with a knife (Yep this is what I thought in a split second). She drove off…

At that point he did not know what to do. How could I say everything was OK when he held all the cards…… Easy it was one of my few choices and as we were backing up just prior to the encounter with the woman in the car she was driving I was doing what I do best….. Asessing my client. My customer as a self employed contractor that had to everyday make a sale to keep my business going. I was reading him.

I was watching his eye movement, listening to his speach, checking out his body language……… He did not want me now like he may have wanted before. He really wanted my money and after I told him there was no way in heck I was going to give it to him without at least further uncomfortable battle. I gave him a choice a, win win, at the perfect pitch time….. I told him to leave, go away. shoo and i wont tell a soul. He really thought in the moments after a frienzied battle for life or death I was really going to let him go as that is what my voice, stature and pure balls at that moment told me what to do and how to act …….. after brief hesitations and my continued heckling he finally left… And as soon as he was at a good enough distance I was on the cell phone to the police and wham bam under arrest and the rest is history……… Accept i cant get the crap…… the side effects out of my head I try to make possitive out of negative, I try to just move on, I have tried blah blah blah but the syndromes many of them continue to over power me and I can not stand up straight….physically and or emotional

I think fixing the the physical part is a first step and i kinda fell even better today about it more than yesterday so Thanks for your insight…. I guess this is just gonna take time But as an ADHDer I had having to take baby steps especially for 2 seperate issues that i am hoping to lump into one so I do not have to take as many …… baby steps that is ……….

Have an awesome day and I am sure we will chat soon………..

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[Curlymoe115]

It sounds like this was a chance encounter that could happen to anyone at anytime when encountering a stranger. Midday on a street with traffic in a place where you were working and could reasonably expect to be safe. So that would be the hardest thing about this is that to earn a living you would have to return to this same scenario hundreds of times in the next few years. Even when changing careers, if you need t,o you are likely to encounter many of these same scenarios. So how do you feel safe. Were there clues you missed, heck who knows and that isn’t the point.

I am not surprised that you are still having flashbacks of the scene. This was that close and you are virtually powerless to prevent a similar situation from happening in the future. You could take self defense classes and put your attacker down before he has a chance to use the knife, you could carry a knife yourself, you could arm yourself with a gun. But you would still be only reacting to the situation once it happens. But what happens if it is someone asking for the time and you attack them because you feel attacked. So you still have to give every stranger you meet the benefit of the doubt and know that 99.9 percent of people that you meet on a day to day basis are essentially honest people just trying to pass you.

What scenarios is your therapist helping you work through. Because this will only be resolved once you have faith that you are safe to walk down the street or let stranger pass without being attacked. And I applaud you for not retreating to your home and not venturing out. The fact that you were able to overpower your attacker enough to escape is not enough in your mind. The 3:30 am is probably when your brain relaxes enough for deep sleep and the nightmares in your brain take over. These nightmare are there to help you resolve your feelings of helplessness but they can be quite debilitating.

Fixing the physical and starting to recover physically is a good step, but so is getting out in crowds of strangers in a controlled environment is also a good step. Going to sporting events or other public venues where they are patrolled so that you feel that there is help at hand may help you get control over the flashbacks. A random act of violence is the worst because if you hadn’t stood right there at that time it could have happened to someone else. If you had handed the person the change out of your pocket he might have moved on, and hundreds of other scenarios and what ifs are constantly running through your mind. You are not to blame for what happened to you yet you feel like you could have somehow prevented the thoughts and actions of someone you had never met before. And maybe he would have attacked an older woman like the one who stopped to offer you help, and she might not have been able to fight her way clear, so you can’t really wish the attack had happened to someone else, and there is no guarantee that if you had offered him all the money in your wallet he wouldn’t have tried to drag you to a bank machine to try and get the rest.

Lord give me the strength to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference. That is all any of us can do. Just know that the crap running through your brain is appropriate and work on healing your faith in yourself and your fellow humans. If you were viciously attacked by a pit bull then you would be forever wary of a pitbull and in some ways you could take steps to avoid all pitbulls. But people do not come with signs that say human pit bull. If it were that simple then they would be permanently separated from us or someone else would be responsible for them and could be held accountable. But the only person to blame is being punished but it doesn’t seem enough.

So all I can say is find peace. Forgive yourself and try to live again. The flashbacks will fade in time, and you will heal. In the meantime accept the anti-anxiety medication and take the time you need to heal. You are owed some peace. Take care of yourself. Cindy

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[Anonymous]

I got my abuser out of my life ten years ago. The flash backs and nightmares did get somewhat better over time. When I was triggered it sent me back as though no time had passed. Since this was ongoing abuse over a period my flashbacks may have been different as well as a different experience with PTSD. He used to stalk me in the house. Stare at me over time and then jump out and scream at me. I used to have flashbacks of shadows flitting out of site in the same spot he used to stare at me (I know creepy right?) He put his hands over my throat once when he was cornering my mom and I stepped in front of her. I had a horrible flashback once when I thought the person who was angry with me was going to murder me. I was hysterical.

Now I am much better. EMDR really helped me. You just have to keep plugging away at therapy. Just keep taking babysteps.

Have a great day!

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[Anonymous]

Cindy,

Thank You… I have never explored the 12 step thing….. although, I must say I am now. As just a layman not tremendously into religion they hold some great values … I thank the powers that be even with ADHD I have no drug or alcohol abuse issues. Sometimes when I read the posts here on Totally ADHD I wonder how I stayed away…..

To be honest the horror stories of my father’s EMS LIfe and my stint in the volunteer EMS life and seeing many fatalities and injuries that occured because of drugs and acohol it kinda squashed the urge. Being a somewhat smaller framed person I really never handled alcohol well. Not going to say I did not drink but I often did not get a rush from it. To be honest I often become ill so over indugence with alcohol was far and few in between. Today no drugs ro alcohol not even socially….. The med thing for the ADHD is as I have said in the past is a must but only as part of not the be end that ends all to my ADHD holistic approach.

As far as your other insights regarding the issues as being a victim I have read them over and over from your post and will take the suggestions and thoughts with me as I move forward. If you can offer any other thoughts please share them….. I will be returning to this post as to continue to become educated on PTSD combined with ADHD. If there are any new developments regarding these syndromes please post them so we can learn and hopefully engage and conquer there negative life surpressing lssues…

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[Anonymous]

Plus,

I read your post and a huge thank you for sharing. I have read other posts here on Totally ADHD and forums from other PTSD websites and I accept the fact I might not be able to shake all the issues I have now. Life is not perfect I get it! Come on “KNIFE” I cannot avoid knives for ever as I do enjoy eating LOL.. but to be honest even a task like eating around a holiday when I have used a sharp knife or family member has……….. Yikes !!! I actually have trembled inside sometimes extrovertly and then flashbacks and negative thoughts start all over again as to where I have to step back and breathe and attempt to divert the negative thoughts through the absorbtion of possitive ones…… Sounds good but it is easier said then done……. Again my major issues with ADHD are the simple mundain everyday tasks I have trouble with so when I combine that with the daily PTSD issues it really stinks……..CBT EMDR yep had therapists that tried them and I am doing a lot of knowledge gaining on the treatments for PTSD…

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[Anonymous]

Dear njadd,

Please know that you are not alone. I think that is one of the things that makes post traumatic stress disorder so painful is the illusion of loneliness. What can be more lonely than being trapped in your own memories. Know that you are not alone. You ARE NOT alone. I think so many people suffer from PTSD. James Gandolfini produced a wonderful (sad, very sad) documentory on HBO which tracks PTSD in soldiers from the Civil War to the present. It is haunting and shows that PTSD has effected so many people.

I do caution anyone who has PTSD that watching this documentary did trigger my PTSD.

The fact of the matter is that try to stay open minded for all of the treatments that you try. Keep moving towards healing. I never thought I would find something that would help me. I did and it changed my life. You will too it takes time.

I can see your frustration when I read your post. Honestly, your post could have been my post two years ago. Keep seeking help. I give you so much credit for being able to ask for help. This is a GIGANTIC step that is probably the most important thing,

ADHDplus

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[Anonymous]

Wowwww….. It has been 3 months since I have posted in this thread. I have so much to say in keyboarded text but I am going to try to somewhat control myself as not to bore those here that might be reading this post as ADHDers. However, I want to be able to share my experiences for myself and those that I touch directly and indirectly , so this is the first day of “My Journal” as one with diagnosed ADHD and PTSD.

This “journaling” I propose to do is something new to me but I have become somewhat educated (with great difficulty) that this may be a healthy way for me to accept and manage my issues as for what they are to me. That said I truly do hope that in some way my trials and tribulations that I will share can be used as a tool by at least one other person if not for anything else just to let them know they are not alone.

The last three months have been probably the hardest three months of my life.(48 years on this planet and surprisingly I did not not knock it off its axis) I have used the strategies and resources I learned prior to and during the last 3 months from this website and all those that contribute to it (The builders, managers and participants)to painfully at times learn about and educate myself about PTSD. I am so thankful for the sharing of information here. I was able to to put a what now seems simple plan through strategies I learned here into play to obtain a goal (although it be just one) to learn about and become educated about PTSD just enough to help me move forward in learning how to manage the disabling symptoms of PTSD & ADHD to assure me I was not going crazy, what I am and was experiencing is real and with hard work determination and support I may learn how to manage these disorders to afford me to live the normal life I never have in full and reach the potentials of good I have inside.

I have accepted, acknowledge and take ownership in the things I am going to share. It is going to be ugly at times some might find it even inappropriate, offensive or to graphic to read. For you I will try to be respectful in my keyboarding but I am not going to apologize for my real life as it was, is and going to be. Honesty is going to be my best policy (but within bonderies IKES!!! ***please I hope to remember life on earth does have boundaries***) here but again am I going to tell you my “Junk” size of my turtle when I get out of a cold pool just for the heck of it …. probably not……. but I will share with you my adventures of my feelings and experiences in my consciouses of the phenomena if I feel it is important in that of an ADHDer…(EX. if I jumped in the pool without my bathing suit on as I forgot to put them on because of a stumble in one of my techniques or strategies I was supposed to be using to make sure I had them on) well then yes I am gonna share the story with you from beginning to end including the middle…..

I am excited but also petrified in this journaling concept but I do believe there is a true purpose in doing it so I will. I hope some of you will share your thoughts, give input to not only support me but maybe your selves and others like I was at one time a newbie to becoming educated about ADHD and if they suffer from PTSD then that as well and not remain in a clouded world of ignorance.

I really have not created a hard set structure to how I am going to work my journal but again as I move forward from today maybe one will develop but I think that will depend upon me and any feedback I might get back.

Day 1. Monday…….I am excited, scared and nervous. It took me 3 months of creating the right circumstances for me to learn about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as I was diagnosed over a year ago with it after a traumatic and life altering event that occurred to me ( I am not an expert like my professionals that help me manage my PTSD & ADHD but I will tell you I am not running scared because of ignorance). I will most of the time call it PTSD and if you want to educate your self about this disorder I suggest “Googling” PTSD DSM IV-TR as there you will be afforded one of the scientific and accepted by authorities definitions of it and much more. Sadly because of the traumas of the wars in the world today many of our soldiers have succumbed to this disease in some fashion or another as be it by having all or more than the necessary symptoms to be officially diagnosed or being shy by just some symptoms but still be afforded enough to cripple their lives and the lives of those around them they touch.

Because of my Type ADHD I need to create a place of that is conducive for my style of learning and comprehension to afford me a shot at learning about PTSD or most anything new as I had learned from the totallyadd.com website toolbox this was important for me to accomplish this one goal…… just one.(I will say I felt a lot and sometimes still do that I did not almost want to go on. Not that I wanted to kill myself but I just felt as if I had no being or purpose and that everything was either sucked out of me or I was not in complete control as I once was even though those times were filled often with extreme cloudines and the symptoms of ADHD).

That said I need bright light so I can see the keyboard as my style of typing has changed as the injury I suffered and am reminded of because of my physical disability caused as result of the traumatizing attack I can use only 70% of my digits to type in full. Therefore I need to use sight as well as now feel alone will not afford the proper keystroke.(New computer that will afford black keys with white letters someday will be much better that the silver ones I type upon with black letters now) I have learned this technique fairly well but I must say the now pain in my shoulder is one of constant. Torn ligaments, f/d up rotator cuff with cysts and arthritis is no fun especially that it is to the dominate appendage i use to write, drive and eat etc…… Surgery soon YEH RIGHT if I can navigate and get past all the paperwork and to make this happen still yet I am getting there but it is a process to which i am poor at but again I now ask for clarifications by example and let the powers that be that control my destiny of all my learning organizing and critical thinking/executive function disorders/disabilities…

Funny as time goes on I actually feel more comfort in my saying even the words disorder or disability as I am accepting of them more and more each day as i have found when I do the managing of them becomes at some times easier. I come from being as hiding with in and just sucking things up as just being “it is what it is” . No more from me this reasoning going to be acceptable Knowledge through Educaton is a new motto…… Damn there is so much to knowledge gathering it is hard but to get to my goal I must….

It has been almost 31/2 hours just for me to communicate this little bit so far as the constant getting up to create less anxiety and stress is a must or i will find myself getting stuck in blankness or horrors of the pieces of the attack in ways that even startle me. I am in the phase of being in a lethargic state as last night the some times sleep lasted from 9:52pm to 1:10am as what has become the now uusual and accepted. I then turn on TV of low volume just to have a face of company even though it is of a person I do not know but then I usually turn on infomercials as the persons in them are at least of fake friendly that are not going to jump me from behind. I pull out my laptop and then do my research or communicating in forums to ask why do I feel this way. Why do I in only the shortest hours of disrupted sleep have these lifelike dreams that are full of snip its keep rearing there heads to the point i wake up in sweat and that of complete exhaustion and pain even more than just in my shoulder to my fingered tips.

I try to seek comfort in sounds of AOL radio meditation, at 34% volume to try to get back to sleep but it has not worked yet as the real feelings of raw strength I drew upon myself in fighting for life as I held his armed with knife hand in struggle away from my throat to prevent the slicing I new was going to happen if I let go, I cannot let go of this still even though there is now knife and the assailant is convicted and jailed for ruining my life forever…..

Yes i know not good sleep is not healthy for anyone but for one with ADHD it is even worse but tell that to my PTSD nightmare and flashback new friend. I can take pill for pain in my shoulder to which helps me fall asleep but then if I wake up to pee i stagger and often hit the door jamb of the bathroom with my head, knee or elbow as I am then in a differently induced form of restlessness and great weariness.

Todays goals…….

1-Call hospital again to get pre tests for surgery sched with all Ins info in hand…

2-Tell my sister of the date and time if I am told and also prepare a back up if she cannot take me because of her own sons needs with that of being a new father of the third in three sons.

3-Call Therapist to set up new schedule for in person visits.

4-Start to learn about calendar features in Google by actually viewing tutorial

5-walk around the block for exercise and head clearing stimulation

6-1 hr of research on computer about computer careers and college/vocational training needs, requirements and apitiudes for such a career

Well that is all for now I am glad i kept it short……….

Peace and I will post again later I am sure

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