What if I'm just a crappy person?

[Outoftune]

I have my second appointement with the psyciatrist today! Today I will find out officially (after a VERY thorough investigation of my history including birthing, family history, accounts from teachers, family, work records, my spouse, and of course the checklists) if I have it or not and I’m shaking in my boots so to speak! The next 2 hours of waiting are going to be torture! My husband this morning didn’t quite get why I was so worked up about it. I don’t think anyone other than you guys can understand what I’m feeling right now! It’s like my entire life I’ve been wandering around in beer goggles trying to find my way through life and I’m desperate to find out if I really have had beer goggles attached to my head my whole life or am I just truly LAZY, FLIGHTY, CARLESS, INCONSIDERATE, A DUMB BLONDE, CLUMSY,NOT LIVING UP TO MY POTENTIAL, etc… do I really just need to “buck up”, “breath”, “calm down”, “just focus”, and TRY HARDER? That’s what’s terrifying me right now (I’m actually tearing up as this is setting in) what if I DONT have this?

And what if I have to keep trying this hard (about 250% constantly) the rest of my life but keep getting the same shi!!y results? How am I going to cope? How am I going to start a family with my husband? I wouldnt be able to care for a child I cant even care for myself for goodness sakes! It’s a scary thought! And what’s even worse than all this is the fact that if I don’t have it it means that all those people that made my cry and feel so frustrated with myself are right! Like my sewing teacher, Mom, employers, etc… I really could have just tried harder and I would have been able to do it properly, rember, pay attention to the details, etc…What would this say about my character?

Does it mean that I’m a bi!%ch when I can’t stand in the line up without wanting to punchsomebody and when I turn into the hulk when someone interrupts me when I’m trying to focus on soemthing? Would it mean that I really am Lazy? when I thought I couldnt figure out how to put all the pots into the cuppboard or make dinner. Woudl it mean that I really am a rude selfish person when I talk over, and interrupt others? and worst of all would it mean that I DONT CARE about those I believe I do care about when I forget important things they’ve told me or meeting up with them or to bring something they need or when I dont’ look them in the eye when they are talkign to me or when I jsut blank out in the middle of a conversation with them no matter how important it is? Does it mean that I’m selfishly taking advantage of my husbands good nature by letting him do virtually all the housework for the past 9 years?

What if I’m just crappy person after all?

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[munchkin]

I can relate to all the fears you are having!! If it’s any comfort, I think you knew all along that none of these problems were deliberate, and whether it’s ADD or some other problem, you are trying to get better!!! That’s why you trying to get a diagnosis! That’s why you feel bad about how your problems may have impacted other people.

A crappy person wouldn’t even be upset about this – and they wouldn’t be trying to change for the better

Good luck at your appointment – let us know how it goes!!!

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[Geoduck]

Judging from the length of your post (what is it about us and long posts…LOL!), and the anger issues, I don’t think that’s the case. I don’t know if it’s ADHD or not, but wanting to address and change whatever is going on means you are the exact opposite of “crappy.” Crappy people just don’t care.

Good luck on working all this out. Even if it’s not ADHD, you are taking a huge step in the right direction. (((HUGS)))

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[Tiddler]

Good luck. This is exactly what I went through. You are not alone!

Re waiting in line without wanting to punch someone – I spent years sitting on buses fighting the urge to lean over to the person in front of me and pull their hair. 😳

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[Anonymous]

Sherri27…….so what if those have been your actions in the past?? Actions are just that “past actions”…. some outward aboration or manifestation of our feeling and emotions…..maybe???? We all got here to this point in life somehow…..so who’s judging???

Anyway….ADD or otherwise, My belief is, we do have the ability to change our behaviors…(I know folks are going to loose their mind at that statement but tough shit )!!! I believe too, that many of our behaviors stem from our vision of our life and the perspective through which we view it. I believe our vision flaws and distortions tend to also distort our emotions, actions and reactions to the stimuli in our lives. I also believe that our distortions and flaws are often deep rooted, we have developed them from childhood and cling to them like their are our only tools in life, and without them we would surely be lost. Right or wrong those tools and beliefs afford us some degree of and predictability without which life would be even more chaotic.

I firmly believe if my vision, my perspective through which I filter all information, and my ensuing behavior are causing me anxiety, and problems, and distress in my life, then it is time to investigate…why this is so!!! I must look/scrutinize my vision, my perspective, my values and beliefs..and question them thoroughly, inside and out upside down and inside out. Where did I get them, who gave them to me…..why do I cling to them if they don’t serve me well….are they really mine…or…….were they ever really mine…..or did I just accept them because I was told I SHOULD, by some one in authority….someone with power over me….influence….what/who???? Why do I insist on using them to cause myself such distress and heartache…..how can I redress my imbalances if I encounter them, and eliminate or reduce the distortions in my life??? Fair questions no….????

Fact is our past life and our past experiences do have a huge impact on our present behavior and our vision, our perspective and life in general….that’s true and I’m not presenting that for debate. But a common misconception is the influence our our past life experience and vision cannot be reduced, or eradicated…….this is a an absolute misconception!!!

Sure, we behave in habitual ways, and yes old habits are difficult to break….re-learning can be difficult, hard even, BUT not impossible, and the road long, without a doubt. My question is…….is that road harder than this one, the one we are on today?? Any information that does not change or enhance the quality of life may be sterile of questionable value.

Typically this type of self-work and vision work requires a guide, or counselor, a damn good one too, one that has done their own work, and is living it today!! Real life experience, not just a book experienced individual, there is no replacement for the real thing here!!! It is a very hard a path to negotiate on our own, it was after all our head that got here in the first place……and like or not, our reasoning is not always clean, sound, and unencumbered…..a great guide or counselor will see that and help one remain true and on the path.

Something to consider, maybe……..or not……..we all must choose for ourselves in the end.

Toofat

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[Outoftune]

I HAVE IT!!!!! 😥

I have ADHD Combined type and I also have Turretts (mild Turrets)!!!

The above explains ME! My whole life!

Thanks sooooo much for all your support you guys!!!!

TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE THAT I FULLY ACCEPT AND LOVE MYSELF!!!!

I can’t stop smiling and crying!

I HAVE been trying as much as I could! I HAVE been holding back as much as I could (repressing ticks and the impulses/restlessness/etc) and DOING THE BEST I COULD!

I can finally look myself in the mirror now and LIKE WHAT I SEE THERE!

Thanks soooooooooooooooooooooo much everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All your support meant alot to me and made those last couple hours so much less scary!

This will be a day I never forget!

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[Anonymous]

NOT a crappy person, now you know for sure. SO happy for you!!!! where’s that happy dance icon??? 😆

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[trashman]

sometimes it would be nice just to click a like button. Congrats, just being the BEST YOU you can be.

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[Anonymous]

sadly before i got diagnosed and even sometimes up to now i still ask the same question…and saddened sometimes that I am having to take medicine to be better…I dont know many ppl around me that is ADHD/ADD except for 2 and they kinda just take the meds and move on and dont really think of it like i do…but im in healthcare and knowin everything kinda makes it scary…..i give rep to all of you here bc u all make me feel at home and welcomed and normal….like im not alone and things do exist…..it shall def be better for us all

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[Anonymous]

Hello Toofat

I just love to read your posts, i am a 26 yr old from Bangalore India, and am not sure if I should marry or not, I just feel that I am barely able to keep things positive for myself and I don’t want someone else to suffer due to me or my symptoms. Anyways your posts are very positive and from someone who has seen it all (which is very reassuring), thanks. I have never met anyone else who is from India on these forums nor met anyone who seems adhd

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[Anonymous]

Hi, FairytailT…….wow, India that is too cool!!! I tend to believe a positive outlook is just a direct reflection of the vision and perspective filters through which we view our world. In essence positive vision/perspective flows from following my heart. Fact is, we only seem to co-occupy this sphere for a blink in time…..so I tend to (try) not dwell on what could, or what others expound should be (that is what my head try’s to do)… but more embrace what is…..for me!! That philosophy seems to serve me well….while the alternative, seems to detract from my life and appears to be a delivery mechanism for angst…..but thanks for your kind words.

Marry? or not?? Quite a question FTT…I can only wonder…. at the tender age of 26…..is marriage a pressing matter, or in time, will your heart eventually guide you to the appropriate answer there too??? It is also my belief that many people are still very much in personal development at 26…and have not yet completed all of the tasks to their adult stage of life….although physically, 26 is said to be prime, I don’t believe they are the same thing. Many values and to some degree morals and principles that carry us through life may still be in development…..we are for all intent and purpose still “practicing” or ‘trialing” our adulthood self. Our 20s, to me, are all about that. Having said that, the question becomes….. “how do we’…”should we”, make permanent life choices and commitments when, or if, we are not yet solidified in who we are, or who we are are going to be”? I don’t know…..I certainly cannot, and must not, speak for another…it is not my place.

So, as I’ve said, I let my heart be my guide…..my only job then is to ensure I try stay in touch with it (as much as possible), and listen……..so far the times that I find myself struggling the most, is when I stray, and I find I haven’t been listening. So I try ( I’m not always successful)…..I try to stop…..and listen……quietly.

How could that be wrong….???

Toofat

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[billd]

Someone needs to chat with my neuropsychologist and the lady I see at the behavoural center……… I’m sure not going to argue with two folks who do this for a living, and see ADHD every day and attemt to help folks deal with it. (over one person’s experience and beliefs)

Apparently when one has the combination and sort I have, as I was told bluntly “you are not going to be able to change who you are”.

I was told to instead change the situations and conditions to avoid the issues, that I could only do so much to control it. I could learn to use “tools” to help with time management, tools to help with anger issues, etc.

Some bits, yeah, one can learn and change – some things. Not all of it. Depends on the conditions. I was also told “all bodies are different……….” meaning what works for some may not work for all, and should not be expected to.

I firmly believe one should never stop trying, never give up, keep trying – don’t assume you can’t change it – try and do your best.

I’m never giving up. (I don’t give up easily in general anyway). Who knows – something in my life might change, some situation, some condition, or some drug might kick in, and suddely something may work. If I’ve stopped trying, i’d never know, would I?

So although I can say that after multiple marriages, multiple jobs, disasters in life and 54 years of experience, some things I’ve not been able to change or overcome (I would add “yet”) – similar for my mother, after 70 years of professional counseling, hospitalization, drugs of all sorts for many decades, some things she’s simply been unable to change. That’s even with the help of her entire family and many tens of thousands of dollars (more realistically, probably hundreds of thousands of dollars and good doctors) – doctors and hospitals of all sorts – some things are what they are. We are an electro-chemical machine. Chemical imbalances and damage or changes to the brain aren’t always able to be overcome (having worked in a head-injury rehab facility, I speak with a bit of experience) To say simply “anyone can change if they only want to ” or “only try hard enough” is calling us lazy and liars.

I don’t like the implications myself.

(also finding out that apparently my body has already adapted to the adderall and it’s no longer having any impact or effect – she’s going to try to double the dose and see where that goes – I was told that it’s possible we don’t be totally successful with drugs. I have found even other drugs have very little impact on me – aspirin, pain releivers, other things seem to have very little impact any more)

Don’t give up, keep trying, above all learn to love yourself and believe in yourself.

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[Anonymous]

Sherri27, that’s brilliant you got a diagnosis, and that you’re happy with your results!

I can totally relate to what you’ve been saying. I’m currently in the process of WAITING for my final appointment with a specialist clinic. I still haven’t receieved a date for an appointment, so I don’t know how long I’ll be waiting for. I hate it I have the exact same doubts…what if I’m a goof for no reason? In a way, I need a diagnosis for something, or I’ll start to think I AM a natural ditz. Oh the impatience. Oh the doubts.

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[Author]

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