What might have been

[Anonymous]

I just joined this forum today. I was diagnosed with what was called “severe ADHD” when I was in my mid forties. It was such a relief to finally understand that there was a real reason for me to be the way I was. I bought the book, ” You Mean I’m Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy” and I actually cried when I read parts of it. Then, I wanted to run around to everyone I had ever known and force them to read it too, so that they would not blame me anymore for how I had been. I am sixty-three now and have made some pretty good progress in the last twenty years. I graduated from college with honors at the age of fifty, and I am a successfull substance dependence counselor, well respected by my collegues and the people I counsel. But, that progress is also at the core of my current problem. I can’t seem to get past the feeling of what my life could have been if I had known about the ADHD a long time ago. If I was able to accomplish this much in a relativly short time, what could I have accomplished and where could I be in life by now. There were so many things I would have liked to have done, but lacked the confidence to even try because I grew up believing I did not have any abilities. I realize now that I could have done any of them. It seems that others my age are retireing, moving perminently into their “dream home”, finally taking that world cruise they have always talked about, ect. The key element to my current retirement plan is that I have to drop dead on the job.

. I just can not seem to shake the disappointment I feel over all the lost opportunities.

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[Anonymous]

You can’t change the pass no matter how much you look back. I felt like a faliure but I don’t anymore . This is me, can’t do anything about it.

I’m 53 and just coming to understand and accept. I started to really think about what I like and what I would stick to one of the things I took up was art in my forties. And I started to sell my work I’m a folk artist I could never remeber all the rules to painting. Life isn’t about money some of the most poorest people are happy. I live in Chester Nova Scotia the town is full of rich Americans that have beutiful homes but this one lady that I know sitting in her big home that travels isn’t happy.Don’t make life about what I could of had I’m an evonmenlist can’t spell it . I live in a small house that was build out of old wooden boats from the family before. Almost everything I do is out of recycle material. People I know bought land cheap out in the country build a strawbale house or cob they don’t have much money but there happy.

But I could never do what you have done never my brain just won’t work that good. Plus I went to New Zealand and stayed at hostiles you can travel you can always work in different place’s my sister in-law a teacher got a job in New Zealand. you can work for a year in some of these place,s You are at were you are you can’t change anything about the pass but what you like to do with the next maybe thirty. We live in Canada we will always be taken care of. But in the end will end up in one or two place a pine box or nusing home. So what are you going to do with the last part of your life in in regreat or live it. I almost cried thinking about how smart you are and your beating yourself up over what could of been. I could never do what you did. I have cognitive problems on top of it. I come from a family of ADD ADHD plus cognitive problems. I can’t believe your beating yourself up. I was just told i’m not smart enough to get my grade 12 by a phycatist two of them in the room with me saying Yvonne look at me it is never going to happe. Told me just a couple of weeks ago that I have cognitive problems. i just thought I was stupid, with ADHD. Some of us it is just a pipe dream to get even our grade 12. Wow you still have life left you might not make it to reteiment. You can always run a place after you retire and travel. Take time off, work and save then travel. There were people that I meet thats all they did.People from all over the world. All i want to do was go to art school to take an none creadit course. In painting. I thought I needed that to help me to give me some cridentuls for teaching other people with add to bring them art. But since then i realized I don’t need to say I went to art school to make my dream come true. I’m an folk artist so that was the blow I recieved with two people sitting in an office saying. Yvonne that is never going to happen. If I was a relitive of yours I would smuck you upside the head and say Snap out of it. And go live your life don’t look back and say what could of been. Your smart person you did it with having ADD. Clamdigger

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[Anonymous]

Maladaptive,

My ex asked me if I ever wonder what could have been but I don’t want to go there. Its in the past and I can’t change that. I struggle with not being able to reach my potential.

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[Saffron]

@Mal: I know that feeling. It washes over you in waves. It’s exhausting. When it hits me, the only thing I can do is treat myself to something nice, buy myself some gourmet food, put on my favorite clothes and retreat into a hobby that will make me feel good NOW (or at least will make time stop and renew my spirit a little). Then when I’m ready, I come out from my shell and look up one or two people who know and love me and who I always feel good with.

Next spring I’ll have nearly 500 tulips and other flower swaths coming up—more than I’ve ever had before—as a result of needing to channel grief. Gazing at the sea of colour (and seeing others slow down to admire it) represents some kind of transformation of all of that inner desperation that drove me to the garden for hours on end last year. It doesn’t get rid of that big wall of what I can’t change. But it does make it somehow aesthetically better, easier to swallow—and, eventually, easier to surrender to what is.

No one has the right to minimize your sorrow. You deserve a retirement, and things should have been different for you. Until the day you’re able to make peace with what is, be gentle with yourself.

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[Anonymous]

Oh my this one struck a nerve. Ouch ouch ouch. I got certified last year to teach English and special ed at age 50, but the teaching jobs dried up and I’m still working as a teacher’s assistant, which is boring me to death, but I can’t face getting away from the kids just yet. Maladaptive, I love what you said about your retirement plan–it’s going to have to be mine as well. Clamdigger, your reply was wonderful and I don’t believe for a minute that you are low cognitively. If you feel deep down inside that they’re wrong, then you’re probably right. One of my biggest strengths as a sped teacher is that I pick up on kids who’ve been misdiagnosed and usually put in a lower IQ category than they deserve. Anyway, here’s how I look at this–while others are winding down, we’re just getting started and I’m betting that we’ll have a happier old age than the rest of them. And think of the pathetic people whose glory days were in high school. that’s not us!

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[trashman]

I’am honoured to even have the understanding to be able to read this. if the rest of the world could slow down to think of life in these ways ,i bet they would feel like they are the ones missing out. PS. all of you that have entered in on this thread give yourselves a pat on the back.Iam moved and inspiered by your writings. if you lisen real close you can here me cheering. so a BIG THANKYOU>

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[Anonymous]

Maladaptive-you know there might be another way to view your predicliment; has it ever dawn on you that your life experience is what made it possible for you to accomplish so much in such a short time? At 56 I went back to school and at the end of my first semester made stright “A’s” I credit my life experience as insiration;could this be the same for you? Some people are “late bloomers” for them “wisdom” is added to the mix which is a priceless quality that “like fine wine comes only with age.” You possess qualites that add value to your credentials because you above all are “street wise.”

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[Anonymous]

We all struggle with could-have-beens. I was diagnosed ADHD a little more than a year after finishing my BA (in general studies because after 8 yrs of college I still couldn’t pass upper division courses in the subjects I was truly interested in). The first several months after being diagnosed I felt wonderful! I could understand what was being said in a math class I decided to try, first time I’ve understood math since 6th grade. And I could better come out of my hyper-focus. Then I started thinking about my lost music. I started college as a music major on bassoon with a lot of school paid for with music scholarships; a pay-off of hyper-focus while practicing. That same overly focused practicing damaged my hands and wrists beyond repair. I’m now having to re-grieve the loss because I know that if my ADD had been noticed at the same time my brother’s had, I wouldn’t have lost the music. Looking forward is getting easier, but there are days…

Don’t lose hope, I will hope with you (I think we all will)

Peace

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