What Women Want: A Short Guide for Men

[richardab]

Hello all!  My name is Richard.  I am 26, and obviously I have ADHD (inattentive type).  I will do a more thorough intro/bio later, but for right now I would like to jot this down before I forget it all.

Let me start by explaining that the title is an artifact of my peculiar sense of humor.  Do I see myself as some woman whisperer?  Do I think that I know the secrets of womanhood?  Do I read women’s minds?  Nope.  Not at all.  I am simply a young man who has learned an awful lot about relationships through trial and error, and ALOT of time spent thinking over it all, with the help of some reading material.  Without further ado, I shall start listing the rules.

ATTENTION: Ladies, please feel free to peer review this list!  I am always open to learning new things!  And, again, I am no expert!!! 😀

Rule#1:  Take a walk in her shoes: learn to be able to read her so that you can understand her thoughts and feelings

If you only learn one thing about women in your entire life, make this it!!!  Because, virtually everything else about relationships branches from this piece of wisdom.  If you are reading this, you are either in a serious dating relationship with her, are engaged to her, or married to her.  You might as well learn to understand her!  Don’t doubt it for one minute: she expects you to at least try to understand what is going on in her head.  No, she doesn’t expect, or want you to read her mind.  But, she does expect you to try to interact with her with empathy and emotional intimacy.  That means being able to tell when she is upset about something, and knowing how to talk to her about it.  That means knowing that one thing that always makes her laugh, that cheers her up, or puts her in the mood.  Most important: don’t quit when you make mistakes.  She isn’t expecting perfection.

Rule #2  Communication is vital.

I don’t feel that this one requires much explanation.

Rule #3  Be confident!!!

Hello!!!  She is with you!  Why are you still worrying about keeping her?  Stop wasting time wondering if she loves you, if she is attracted to you.  She chose to be with you!  Of course, you are attractive to her.  So, for goodness sake stop asking!!!  Nothing is sexier to a woman than a man who enjoys life, without sweating the small stuff, who can have a smile on his face, and know who he is, without questioning her motives for being with him, but simply accepting that she loves him.

Rule #4  BUT, be humble

Confidence doesn’t mean you walk around like a peacock!!!  Confidence means that you are content with who you are.  That you accept your faults, take pride in your positive qualities and attributes, but feel no need to show them off.  A confident man doesn’t drone on and on about his accomplishments, he waits until he is asked.

Rule #5:  Listen to her.

Have you ever gotten in a big argument with her?  What was going through your mind at the time?  What was she saying?  Do you even know?  One of the biggest mistakes we, men make in an argument with our significant other is that we put up the wall and make everything personal, when all she ever wanted was to talk to us.  Believe me, I have done this many times.  When she is angry because you forgot to unload the dishwasher, AGAIN, stay in the moment.  She doesn’t think you are a troll.  She isn’t questioning your right to exist.  She doesn’t hate you.  She isn’t threatening to leave you (hopefully).  She isn’t calling you ugly.  Keep perspective.  She is mad because you didn’t unload the dishwasher.

Rule #6  Apologize once, and then change your behavior

It isn’t that she doesn’t want you to apologize, it is that you have apologized so many times that it has become virtually meaningless.  Why should she forgive you if you don’t change anything?  Would you forgive her if she did the same?  Of course not.  Everyone feels guilty when they upset the person they love.  If you feel bad.  Take some time alone to really think about what happened.  Then approach her and apologize, make it a meaningful apology, don’t minimize or justify, be genuine.  And then, tell her what you are going to do differently.

Rule #7:  There is more to intimacy than just sex

Sex does not equal intimacy, it is only one type of intimacy.  Intimacy also includes emotional understanding and connection, empathy, affection, non-sexual physical activities like kissing, hugging, cuddling, spooning, etc.  You have to do all of these things.

Rule #8:  Never ask for sex

When was the last time you heard of a woman asking their partner for sex?  I have never heard of it.  And that is because it generally doesn’t happen.  There is nothing more un-sexy than asking your girlfriend/wife for sex.  Your not ordering  food at a restaurant, or asking for the time.  We are talking about one of the most intimate forms of physical connection there is.  So, treat it like it is important.  How, then, should you know when it is the right time?  It all goes back to rule #1.  If you know your partner and can read her body language and non-verbals, you will know.  There are few things more obvious, if you know the signals, than when she is in the mood.  Learn her cues and you will know when it is time.

That is all I have time for at the moment.  More later!!!  Please let me know what you think.

Rich

REPORT ABUSE

[Patte Rosebank]

@Richardab, you explained it beautifully.

Relationships are a two-way street, and these rules apply in both directions.

REPORT ABUSE

[richardab]

Thank you very much for your comment, Larynxa.  Yes, indeed, all of these rules are things that both partners need to follow, and, of course I am aware of this.  My choice of pronouns is simply to keep it simple.  These are things that, based on my own humble understanding, women care a lot about.  I will add more when I have the time.  Thanks again!  🙂

Rich

REPORT ABUSE

[Patte Rosebank]

Relationships are a two-way street, and these rules apply in both directions.

In other words, it’s universal.  Thanks for posting it!

REPORT ABUSE

[quizzical]

These are excellent!

REPORT ABUSE

[sdwa]

Love it.

Especially #8, which cannot be emphasized enough.

Asking for sex is about as romantic as taking out the trash. It’s a complete buzz kill.

Show, don’t tell.

REPORT ABUSE

[richardab]

I would also like to point out that most of these rules apply to any relationship a man has with a woman: whether this woman is a friend, a family member, your girlfriend, your wife, your mother, your boss.   Obviously there will be no sexual activity involved unless it is a romantic relationship, but the rest of these tips will result in better friendships with women as well.

REPORT ABUSE

[richardab]

Which leads to another point.

Rule #9.  Talk to her about your friendships with other women.

Your partner cares about you and has a lot of strong feelings for you, so she will have worries about you being with other women.  Why?  You have to think about it from her point of view.  To her, you are a desirable person.  That is why she is with you, because she has desire for you.  She sees you as intelligent, charming, handsome, attractive, funny, fun to be with.  The result of this is that she is going to assume, understandably, that she isn’t going to be the only woman in the world to be attracted to you.  That is why she constantly asks you about your female friends.  It doesn’t necessarily have to do with what you have or haven’t done with them, although, obviously if you have done something she doesn’t approve of it will make it worse.  But you could be completely innocent and loyal, and she will still have some worries.   Again, because she assumes that she is not the only person in the world who can be attracted to you.

What can you do about this to prevent both of you from going insane?  The first thing you can do is be completely honest with her about your friendships with women.  Don’t leave anything out.  The next thing you can do is take her feelings into account if you interact with any of your female friends regularly.  Your not going to want to take any of your female friends to dinner, or to a dance.  Limit your interactions to getting coffee.  Try to plan so that your interactions with friends happen in groups.  This will help your partner relax.  And finally, use your best judgement and follow your values.  Don’t cheat.  If you follow the rules and do not trespass on her feelings than she will be much more willing to allow you freedom to make your own decisions.

 

 

REPORT ABUSE

[richardab]

There might be some men out there who really are clueless when it comes to #8.  How do you read her signals?  How do you tell the difference between flirting, and when she is in the mood?  How long should you wait before you begin to have sexual relations?

The first mistake that men often make when they first start dating is they confuse flirtation with sexual interest.  This is a very easy mistake, because it utilizes the same part of the brain.  The first thing you need to understand is that two parts of the brain are being used here: the part of the brain that is in charge of sexual desire and a different part of the brain that is in charge of rationality.  Her cues are going to look very similar, perhaps identical when you first meet her and she is flirting with you and when she wants to have sex.  Again, this is because that sexual desire part of the brain is being used, but that doesn’t mean she wants to have sex.  It means she is attracted to you.  She has checked you out, and if she is perfectly honest with herself, yes she has looked there.  But this is all instinctual.  DO NOT make the mistake of thinking that this makes her easy.  You checked her out too!  And yes, you did look at those places.

The difference is largely to do with that rational part of the brain.  That rational part keeps us in check.  It is the difference between us and other animals.  It says, yes, I am finding this person very attractive.  I like looking at them.  And yes, I have had fantasies, but I am not ready yet to follow through.  I need to get to know them better.

Understanding this is very important to getting that first date, and then getting subsequent dates.

REPORT ABUSE

[richardab]

Back to the point.

How do you know when she wants to do the deed?  This is for guys who really find it very hard to figure this out.  Well, look at her.  Her pupils will probably be dilated, she will be smiling a lot more than usual, and she will have that special smile that women only use when they have these thoughts in mind.  She will be very touchy: more than usual.  She will probably be taking glances at your crotch or your butt.  She will try to entice you by giving you really good views of her body.  Women generally have a really strong awareness of their body.  If you have an amazing view of something, she is more than likely doing that on purpose.  She will be extra flirty with you.  All of these are signs that she is interested.

Most importantly, think about where you are in the relationship.  These are signs of desire, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything specific is going to happen.  Women will usually give you little verbal hints to let you know that they are ready for that stage of the relationship, but they won’t communicate to you verbally for it to actually happen.  That is up to you to figure out.

REPORT ABUSE

[Author]

Posts