Why did it take me so long to get here!

[silver]

Newbie.  Hello…  I’m 51, from the UK.

I’m excited that I may not “be” who I thought.  That there is a thing called ADD that I’ve discovered yesterday.  It has a name. In fact it makes me want to cry my eyes out – all these years of achieving nothing and believing that I am simply a waster and a bone idle good for nothing.  I think that the H in ADHD meant that I didn’t ever notice this properly before.

I was searching on amazon yesterday.  Searching for “lazy”. That’s how I’ve come to define myself, with shame and sadness about the inevitability of it – that this is me.  The search results led me to look at titles about ADHD or ADD.  I’ve since been on this site, reading around (but not too closely or with too much attention!).

I have lots of questions.  I don’t know where to start.  I never do.  I might (as I’ve done many times) write this and never be seen again.  Engaging with something difficult is sometimes  painful and often impossible.

My overwhelming issue, I believe, is that I’ve never started anything. Won’t, can’t… I don’t know.  I have 100s and 100s of projects, books, films, courses, outfits (this is who I want to be – the person in those outfits), crafts, study, home and diy projects, new hobbies, intended career changes/overhauls…   Now I have ideas aplenty, evidenced by the above.  I buy all the kit and equipment I need, excitedly wait for it to be delivered or downloaded.  “This is me – this is who I am going to be and this is my passion and oh how happy I am now that I’ve found it”…   So the goods are delivered, opened, viewed, read (but not with any concentration!) – I will give a cursory look over an online course, for example.  I think I actually fear it.   Then I ignore it totally or forget about it completely.  This has probably cost me thousands over the years.  I have cupboards and draws full of shiny new project stuff.  Sometimes I come across it and have no idea why I have it or why I ever wanted it.  I have always wanted to learn Italian.  I have mountains of books, audio courses.  Downloaded one recently – my progress in the course?  Oh about 7 minutes.  Kindle books – I have gazillions.. yes I have read some of them but not many.  Audible books. The same.

I’ve always thought I could be a writer.  Told myself that this is my passion.  I have all the tools. I have the time. I have the ideas.  Nothing happens.  On a forum where I’d gone to look for some writing advice – a poster replied that they didn’t think that I really wanted to be a writer and that I should look closely at my motivations.  There were some complex replies to my opening question – I’ve not found the confidence to go back and answer.  I want to.

So I don’t start.  Either I can’t or don’t want to.

The achievements I have accomplished – there are some – I know in my heart I have “winged it” and got lucky.

If I have ADD, the jury is probably out.  A professional diagnosis?  I will learn myself what I can about it first.  I have looked at downloading one of the videos.  My concern is that I will buy it and not watch it!

There are many other symptoms that I “fit” into of course but the “non-starting” is the bane of my life and always has been.

Despite feeling desperately worthless, I’m going to try.

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[tanpix]

HI! I don’t think many people write on here – but I will respond to you. I’m 40 and new to ‘almost’ being diagnosed and what you write, seriously could be me. I love the ‘skimming over manuals, or instructions … getting excited about the new you.. I do this too. I see photos of woman in magazines and go ‘that’s me, I want to be like that, professional and tidy, well groomed… I go and buy an outfit that fits that but i can’t maintain it. I get up in the morning and think gawd that’s going to take too much time and I cant’ be bothered, yet I so want to be that person, I so want to be organized and finish all the things I’ve started yet Ive always had a block, I use to think I was insane.. or just really really lazy and that I just was the sort of person who was a couch potato, no matter how hard I try to be movtivated and brilliant I just fall at the waist side – but I keep trying, all the time.. I never give up but I never quite get there as there is something – that holds me back and now I know what it is…. so hopefully I can create change.

One person said to yell at yourself like the military.  GET UP! BRUSH YOUR HAIR!

DO YOUR WORK, SIT STILL AND WRITE THAT ESSAY!

I shall try it, best of luck to you.

 

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[Scattybird]

Hi @silver – good to see a fellow UK member. I’m also in the UK.

I love your description of yourself – you definitely have plenty in common with the rest of us.  Good luck with trying to get a diagnosis here if you want to be tested. My GP doesn’t acknowledge ADHD – so much for the NICE guidelines! Mind you, they don’t seem to acknowledge peritonitis either!  🙂

tanpix is right, people don’t use the forum as much as they used to…….lots of changes on the site made a few of us give up to some extent – unless I just joined in its hay-day. Anyway, a few people still use it. There are lots of good videos on the site and other resources. You can find additional resources by just googling Facebook ADHD and following the links. Also, Russell Barkley has some useful videos on YouTube and I love the ‘How to ADHD’ videos on YouTube too.

It’s also useful just trawling through the old forum posts here – you’ll at least feel like you’re not alone when you read some of them.

 

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[tobiuk]

Hi guys. I’m from blighty as well. Studying at Kent and have been trying to get an ADHD assessment for years. Had my old GP in Stratford tell me that “ADHD is a child’s disease, do you have depression?” I have the same traits as you do. At 40 I still day dream of being a boxer, kung foo expert, writer actor, director ad nausium. getting an assessment for the first time hopefully. just waiting on the Maudsley satellite office in Sittingborn to agree to assess me but have been told to wait maybe 3 months just for a phone assessment. I should be easy to wait a few more months since I’ve been waiting for years already but I feel like I’m about to explode. Because I’m anxious I keep forgetting things I need for uni, putting too much of stuff I don’t need in my bag even more than I usually do. This is fucking exausting

 

Good luck with your journey btw

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[That Guy with ADHD]

There are so many voices on this site all singing in perfect harmony.  I’ve never felt so in tune with anyone before I came here.  I too have lost all self esteem yet dream of being an architect, carpenter, world traveler, author, computer programmer, musician,  entrepreneur… I have kits, instruments, test equipment, books, uTube videos, etc all prepared but never get around to doing much with them.  Three years ago it was a travel trailer restoration, two years ago a skin-on-frame kayak, and last year a shipping container home.  This year it’s a tiny house on wheels (THOW).  I can’t remember where I put my keys, my passwords, medical appointments.  I make stupid mistakes all the time.  I get anxious all the time and am currently depressed.  I watched ADD and loving it three times before I was able to get through it all (recommended viewing btw).  My wife thinks I need a mother because she has to remind me to do so many things.  I have a “to do” list a mile long and getting longer by the second.  My mind races and I can’t keep focused on anything for very long.  It’s always 3 steps ahead of my body yet I can focus long enough to spill my guts in a post.  I can’t read for more than 15 minutes and often find myself having to go back and reread it because I didn’t comprehend it at all.  Does any of this sound familiar?  I feel something in every page I read on this site.  You are all my friends, even though I may forget that I already accepted your friend request and send you another.

Good luck in your journey of discovery and healing

Richard

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