Why is it easyer to think better of other then ones self!

[trashman]

Is it just me or is it a adhd thing that some people like myself think that other people are so much ahead or better off then ones self?

I now that I really don’t know any of you and yet it seems that you all have a better understanding of how life around works. or am I in the same boat? I read the views of lawyers and teachers and other highly educated men and women, then I think that I would love to be one of you people.

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[Wgreen]

It’s admittedly difficult to maintain your confidence when you are unable to live up to people’s expectations—including your own. Striving constantly to meet or exceed expectations can undo anybody’s spirit. if you have ADD, it’s like knocking your head against a brick wall. I think the trick is to avoid expectations altogether. You just can’t afford to keep score.

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[Anonymous]

I was diagnosed in Nov ’11 and I felt better that there is a reason for some of the difficulty I have

experienced..

Currently I struggle with the feeling I somehow just don’t meet the mark and I am not as good as other people.

For me I always have high expectations for myself. I have literally willed myself to accomplish things.

In university I could sustain the effort to finish each semester and then graduate. In adult life it has been different

and there are a wide range of things that I have wanted to accomplish. The problem is sheer will and determination

is not enough and can’t be sustained. I have failed in relationships, jobs, etc. I realize i have been very affected by ADD and

it has touched all aspects of my life.

So right now I feel overwhelmed. In some ways I feel stuck in that …how do I move forward and try to manage things better?

Wgreen – what you said makes sense as far as expectations. I just don’t know how to motivate myself if i dont have any expectations

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[Wgreen]

This really is an interesting subject—how do you stay motivated when progress is so hard to come by? And how do we define success? What are reasonable expectations? The answer is: there is no one right answer.

Of course, these are not questions that are limited to ADDers. Everybody has talents and “difficulties.” And everybody has to find a path that capitalizes on the former and mitigates the latter. It seems to me that right off the bat you have to jettison the weight of other people’s expectations. Nobody should have to make excuses to anybody else for what they are or what they want to achieve in life. As for your own expectations, I’d replace the concept of “expectations” with “possibilities.” Shoot for the limits of those possibilities—and then some. Maybe you’ll get there. Maybe you won’t. At least you’ll have taken a shot. Besides, we have no sense of what we should expect until we actually embark on the adventure. Even then, life is full of surprises right up until the end. For thousands of years, sages have told us it’s the journey that’s important, not the destination. Once I bumped in to a professor of mine in a bookstore. I had nothing in my hands. When I told him I couldn’t find the book I was looking for, he said, “Don’t be discouraged by what you didn’t find, embrace what you DID find.” Or something like that. Looking back, I think he was right. So much for expectations.

Maybe TooFat will weigh in here. This is right down his alley.

PS: As an aside, there was an interesting article in Inc. Magazine a decade or so ago. It was about research done by a Columbia Business School professor named Amar Bhidé. Bhidé surveyed the founders of the Inc. 500 (a list of America’s fastest-growing privately held companies) and discovered something interesting: he found that 41% of the founders had no business plan at all, 26% had a rudimentary plan, and only 28% had a formal business plan. WHOA! When asked about it, Bhidé said:

“There are several factors [in play]. Many, if not most, successful businesses get started in fields that are characterized by high turbulence or change, change that is not being generated by the entrepreneur. It’s exogenous change. And in those kinds of fields, first off, there’s very little information available with which to write a business plan. Take the classic case of Bill Gates and Paul Allen starting Microsoft in 1975. If they had tried to do a competitive analysis or a customer analysis, they wouldn’t have known who their competitors were or been able to do the classic comparison of strengths and weaknesses vis-à -vis their competition. And they wouldn’t have known who their customers were. When things are changing rapidly, there isn’t data.”

These companies sound a lot like an ADDer’s life: a lot of turbulence, not much data. The point is, you can spend so much time trying to reach some arbitrary goal (expectation), you can miss an unexpected opportunity.

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[Scattybird]

Hi trashman,

I think it’s partly just human nature and partly because we have to struggle to do so much and see others sailing by with comparatively little effort in comparison – or at least that’s the perception and probably the truth too.

I look around at people at work and see them shooting off into the distance and I certainly can’t keep up. They don’t have to pull all nighters to do the same amount of work as me. So they don’t start the day shattered or start the week frazzled because they had to work all weekend. In fact, they are probably concentrating on their work right now as I am typing this! Mmm….maybe there’s a clue there for me!

I am lucky in that I have a reasonably good job, but as Robert said maintaining the level of effort that’s needed in work life is much harder than when at school or university. Back then it seemed hard and my performance was all over the place. Now it is REALLY difficult because there’s so much more to juggle and I’m older with less energy. One consistent aspect is my performance is still all over the place!

I have realised that to maintain my sanity at work I must not compare myself with others. They are doing well…I wish them well. But as long as I am plodding on and not getting too behind then I am satisfied. So I compare me with me and that makes for less frustration, envy and dissatisfaction.

Oh yeah – trashman – educated people don’t always have a better understanding of how life works. They might be able to pretend they do with fancy words…but that’s all. My neighbours have no education at all and they are MUCH wiser than me and seem to know so much more about everything. In fact I feel plain ignorant compared to them and I’m meant to be educated!

So trashman, never think anyone else is better than you. They might have different skills or idea…it doesn’t mean they are better though.

Stay cool.

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[trashman]

Thank-you all for imparting your wisdom to me. I guess

I am not doing to bad if I think what the doctors told my parents at my birth. that was that I would die or be mentally handicapped. So looking at it that way I guess I am still doing alright. thanks again.

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[Scattybird]

Hi trashman – well you proved those doctors wrong – good on you! Medicine isn’t an exact science – a lot of it is just the best guess at the time. Don’t dwell on that – you’re obviously a determined person who has a lot going for you!

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[munchkin]

How we see ourselves and others is like a funhouse mirror, I think. Some of the smartest people just have no common sense, and advice givers often don’t follow any of their own advice.

I have also felt that everyone around me is better, and it’s a fearful thought. I’m much younger than my siblings, so I think I naturally grew up thinking I would never catch up or measure up. Always afraid of being left behind… I have tried to consciously change that thinking, but it’s a tangled web.

I try to just let go of it – live in the moment and not compare myself to anyone. As long as I can see forward progress, I try to focus on gratitude for that. Self judgement has been an extremely tough habit to break though.

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[Anonymous]

Trashman, we are all in the same boat, I’m one of those “highly educated” lawyers, inattentive subtype, diagnosed almost 13 years ago. I am still learning every day, as I struggle to remain motivated

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[Anonymous]

Perhaps some of the “others” feel the same way about you Trashman!

Behind doors who knows what struggles people go through. Society has put so much pressure on our natural state, we/they strive for what is in most cases unavailable. It is perhaps wise to keep in mind the Polyanna game. Its works as a motivational tool and a life enhancing outlook.

Try for a day Trashman and see how you go

WOFH

Peter x

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[William]

Trashman, it is normal to think that way. Don’t look at what or how others are doing. You are you, be yourself and enjoy what you have. Wake up to a new day and thank God for all that he has given you. Your life is not a handicap, it is a blessing.

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[Anonymous]

Peter – I am just continuing what you started…….Society does put a lot pressure on people. It is really a double edge sword in the workplace.

When an employer on an job application asks “Do you need any accommodations to perform your duties due to disability?

If you put anything on the list…. you won’t get hired

There is government legislation that is supposed to prevent discrimination based on mental or physical.

That doesn’t prevent it in the hiring process.

I have just been diagnosed with adult ADD and I am hoping to start a new job soon.

Will I mention to anyone that i have this diagnosis…..NO!!

if I find I need an accommodation in 1year with the job………..NO! unless it is a performance issue and this is the only way to

keep the job

If you have a showdown over a wrongful dismissal due to disability ….GOOD LUCK lawyer bills will drain resources and then if you are lucky and get settlement…. years later

Jobs themselves have become complex… The demands on people whether or not you have a disability is enormous.

Pace of work has sped up….emails create expectations that there should be instant response

I am getting stressed just writing here….. lol!!

Ps I still have a sense of humour

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[Author]

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