Why was I not diagnosed when I was a child!

[Anonymous]

I feel my parent’s were so engaged with 6 kid’s,and problem’s of their own I was not diagnosed. I feel a chunk of my life is down the drain!! I am in counseling,and on Consorta,and methylphenidate. I am working hard at controlling my symptom’s. I don’t know if I should speak my mind to my parent’s now?

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[Robbo]

I have had plenty of feelings and thoughts similar to yours. I was the second youngest of 8 kids. I don’t think it’s such a good idea to compare our experiences as much as it is to share solutions. My main solution is to make changes with the life I’ve got now. Knowing why we are the way we are is more important than knowing who to blame. Mostly I see at this point that I need to spend what’s left of my life doing what I can to improve it. I need to remember it was never with any kind of malice that my parents or teachers neglected me, and lot’s of kids like me.

When I did ask my mom questions about my childhood as part of the diagnosis process. I was careful to avoid blaming her. I don’t really know, but in hindsight it seems like she felt blamed regardless of how I asked the questions about grades n stuff. No matter what, even the worst parents wish they did better. That’s just natural. It’s likely my mom has ADHD symptoms, I don’t diagnose her. But if it’s true then she already beats herself up way too much without me adding more reasons for her to be hard on herself.

I waited until I wasn’t in a bad mood, or angry about the culture I grew up in, before I started asking about my grades etc. Some of that anger probably came through anyway in passive aggressive ways. I did the best I could do talking to my mom about the diagnosis related history of my childhood. I wish I would have gotten more advice first. I don’t have much of a relationship with my parents nowadays. But at this point I feel like I just need to let go of solving that problem. They’re set in their ways in my eyes. Changing me is the solution, not changing them, or even changing how I see them. Fixing me is a big enough job for sure.

Give it some time, wait for some more replies from here before you engage your parents. Even at age 47, I still want to have a good relationship with my parents. Dealing with this whole ADHD can of worms has stressed a lot of the relationships I’ve got. Not a lot.

I wish there were magic words to help you get through feeling the loss of all those years. I can tell you this. My attitude is better now. I’m able to see that regardless of the lack of good medical, especially psychiatric care. I did develop some good copeing skills. I still forget some of them. Self restraint is probably the one skill I have never really given myself enough credit for having. Lack of self restraint, and not much impulse control is the cause of a lot of my suffering, I can work on these things bette now, I’ve found better tools here. Medication, and changing how I operate is my solution, my parents can’t give me that now, educating myself about how to deal with my ADHD has got to be my main focus. I really have to work my tail off at keeping a positive outlook. That’s much easier to write about than to actually do. I hope you’ve got some good medical help, and you’re willing to build on some support systems. Good luck. You found a good place to start building some support for yourself, here. Stick around, There’s tons more to learn here.

7-10-12

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[nellie]

Very well said Robbo!

Haven’t got much to add really except that, as the expression goes, hindsight is 20-20, especially when it comes to parenting. A rare parent sets out to mess up their child so looking for someone to blame is pointless. I sure know there are things I would have done differently when my children were little . If anything, try to enlist your parents as allies. However, as Robbo said already, a parent may feel blamed regardless. I guess the upside is that such a feeling is likely out of guilt which in a way is positive in that it indicates they at least care about their role in the situation.

Also, if you subscribe to the stages of grief theory then what you are feeling is very normal. In effect you are grieving for a loss and you are feeling angry now, one of the initial stages. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kübler-Ross_model.

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[Anonymous]

I am not really an angry person. I know my parents loved me. I need to move on in my life,knowing they did their best. Thank you for your posting’s. I know my mind will wonder to my past from time to time. I feel I could have achieved so much more if I had been diagnosed early on. My mom is always apologizing for the mother she was. I so far have told her the past is the past. I am in therapy,and I will vent there. I feel medication,and therapy will help a lot. I feel they go hand in hand. I know I have a bit of a hard road to travel. I am not much of a poor me person for the most part. I think I will need to go through the grief process,as I am sure many have as well. Again thank you for the word’s of encouragment,and thought’s! I found them very helpful.

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[Wgreen]

Sadona—From your tone, it’s clear you’re convinced ADD has severely diminished your quality of life. What happened? And what about your siblings? Any problems there?

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[Robbo]

Right on Sadona,

The therapy I’ve gotten has really set up a solid foundation for me to learn a lot of the tools we have here. And Yep, we do have to feel all those crappy emotions. If we refuse, they attack our physical health, and the cycle of crazy just keeps us spinnin and we end up spun out so to speak. AAck!

Try to have a sense of humor. I found mine after doing a lot of therapy. Be very picky and careful about choosing a the right therapist for you. I feel like I got lucky when I first started out. I also had friends at the time who were going through the same stuff. Lot’s of support groups n stuff.

I remember back in the 80’s I was in therapy about childhood stuff, and just hitting a big mattress with a stick in my garage to get past the anger would always help me get a lot of gut grinding pain outa me. Lot’s of tears n snot n curling up in the fetal position. It’s not the same for any of us. It sounds like you’ve got the right attitude. This process can be easier for folks nowadays, there’s much better help available. Just be choosy and patient.

K, take a look at this one

http://totallyadd.com/forum/topic.php?id=1267

This”s a good thread to read, It will probably help ya see what you might be getting yourself into.

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[Tiddler]

I got very angry before feeling very down after my diagnosis. Now I’ve accepted it – mainly thanks to getting some medication.

I’m still disappointed with some aspects of what has gone before but those things are part of a bigger picture of feeling unaccepted and unbelieved rather than specific to the ADHD – people around me had never heard of ADHD so there was genuinely nothing they could have done about it.

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[Anonymous]

Wgreen,I have had a long history with being unable to concentrate. I am a drummer,musician,artist. I have had a very hard time sticking to one thing,and finishing project’s. I do have 2 sibling’s with ADD. I also have a nephew diagnosed from an early age. I did not finish high school. My grade’s were terrible. I just could not concentrate,read,listen,and so on. I did not even get my last report card my junior year due to a lost book. My parent’s just brushed it off. I met a guy,and got married at 19. That was a huge mistake. I was trying to pursue my music career,but never could make a go of it. Never could get organised enough to get a band together,and stick with it. Did not help my husband was very controlling. I left him. I could never just stick with one artistic endeavor for very long to be accomplished. My social skill’s did not help,as i was talk,talk talk. Anxiety started to keep me home,so my community resources were becoming few,and far between. I married again,to a drummer. I had a son,and spent my time making sure Garrett would have it better then me. He was the opposite of me. He was an accomplished drummer all through junior high,high school. Well I became a band mom,and my music carrier went out the door. My son is now in his senior year of collage to become a music teacher,professor. I am proud of him. He still does not really understand why I have not done more in my life. Music runs in my family,and I am very musically inclined. That did me no good,with out the skill’s I needed to make a go of it,well I feel very lost.

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[nellie]

Sounds like you are a success as a mom. Much preferable to being a successful drummer – minus the income I suppose. But Just imagine the opposite. How many successful artists have we all heard up whose kids are a total disaster – drugs, suicide…the list goes on. It’s all how you look at stuff.

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[Wgreen]

Well, Sadona, that sounds disconcertingly familiar. Understand that 20 years ago, nobody knew what ADD was. Even today, many people don’t have a clue—they think it’s nothing more than a propensity to fidget and misplace car keys. If only. Many of us here have seen our lives shredded by ADD. Alas, there’s nothing any of us can do about the past. It’s water under the bridge. But… now we know what we’re up against. If nothing else, your children and our children will understand going forward how ADD affects behavior. They’ll have the benefit of medications. And, as a consequence, they’ll have better opportunities to pursue life opportunities that eluded us. I guess that’s something.

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[curlysue]

I can understand your anger but I came from a small (two child) family and did not get diagnosed until a couple of years ago. Family size did not matter in my lack of being identified. My anger and resentment was directed at the school system. Why didn’t they notice? They sent me to special Ed for spelling but never mentioned or explored why I was reading stuff beyond what was age appropriate and struggling to spell simple stuff, I still can’t figure a lot grammar and spelling stuff. No one mentioned dyslexia. I asked my mom

and she sever remembered it being mentioned in the course of my school career. Its obvious when you look at my handwriting. My parents knew something was wrong, but I was the quite one, the good little girl who got good grades, nothing wrong with me. Academically everyone was more worried about my brother. The school appointed psychiatrist did not see any problems, of course he was only going off a file and one conversation. Changing schools and even changing school systems did not catch anything was off. Before was identified (I’m trying to change my thinking from diagnosed) I knew that if my brother were to enter the school system today they would ld him as ADHD immediately. I think why I did not get Id was a combination of stuff and lack of knowledge and understanding were the big stuff

Please note I wrote this before work and am now posting it

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[curlysue]

I can understand your anger but I came from a small (two child) family and did not get diagnosed until a couple of years ago. Family size did not matter in my lack of being identified. My anger and resentment was directed at the school system. Why didn’t they notice? They sent me to special Ed for spelling but never mentioned or explored why I was reading stuff beyond what was age appropriate and struggling to spell simple stuff, I still can’t figure a lot grammar and spelling stuff. No one mentioned dyslexia. I asked my mom

and she sever remembered it being mentioned in the course of my school career. Its obvious when you look at my handwriting. My parents knew something was wrong, but I was the quite one, the good little girl who got good grades, nothing wrong with me. Academically everyone was more worried about my brother. The school appointed psychiatrist did not see any problems, of course he was only going off a file and one conversation. Changing schools and even changing school systems did not catch anything was off. Before was identified (I’m trying to change my thinking from diagnosed) I knew that if my brother were to enter the school system today they would ld him as ADHD immediately. I think why I did not get Id was a combination of stuff and lack of knowledge and understanding were the big stuff

Please note I wrote this before work and am now posting it

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[Anonymous]

nellie- Thank you for pointing out that there are good thing’s that come from having ADD. Like I said,I did not want my son to suffer like I have had to. I feel that is a very great point,I did put my son first. He is doing amazing in life,and music.. I feel uplifted by your words. We can get so stuck in our own rut of just thinking the worst like I have as of late. I know curlysue that It does beg to wonder why school’s don’t catch on there is something going on with our style of learning. I know a lot of teacher’s have full classes,we get looked over. But with you being the quiet one with good grade’s, they should wonder why you could not spell well, I feel that is negligent.

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[Anonymous]

Although there was not a lot of knowledge on ADHD back in the day, (I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s) I certainly do regret that something wasn’t done to prevent the issues I have had to go through. Teachers noticed and had some concerns and issues about me not paying attention. Most of my life I hated school anyway and found myself utterly bored to the max. I remember going to some type of center being tested for some type of impairment once as a kid but apparently they found nothing, or in most cases where parents don’t want to face the issue it gets swept under the rug. Then parents get tremendously disappointed when you don’t achieve in high school make it in college or get good careers in life when THEY WERE TOLD there is a problem yet nothing gets done. Then THEY KNOW you have ADHD yet they complain about disorganization, lateness etc, and fail to realize this comes with the territory. Family pressure makes life no easier. I wanna say so bad I’ve had it from DAY 1! Nothing was done then so WHY complain now? It is what it is, DEAL WITH IT !

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[g.laiya]

first of all, spam reported – this cheap beats is really getting on my nerves.

now back to topic. when i first realized i more than likely had add, i had the same question. i angrily thought all these years the signs were there. from my 4th grade teacher thinking i had a brain tumor, to a high school teacher looking into my school records to find out what was wrong( kind of strange when i think about it because i was basically getting b’s in her class, but she responded that she saw in my records i was “gifted” and thought i should be doing far better work, i needed to apply myself yadayada…hmmmmm)….to completely and utterly failing at life – not just school – when i went away to college and the structure of parents’ home and school system were gone….to continuing to struggle with basic life tasks all these years, despite having eventually gotten my doctorate degree, people over the years telling me i daydream too much/space out alot/in my own world,….

my own mother was an elementary school teacher, also i have friends who are trained social workers – one who has known me since 5 or 6 years old, i have seen a handful of psychs over the years – only one even mentioned the possibility that i had add, but when i responded i didn’t think i did( in my mind adders could never concentrate, etc), it was just dropped – no further questions. i can go on and on……

now i understand why i was not diagnosed as a child – simply, way back then when i was a child people didn’t know about ad/hd. and in the 90s when it was being widely diagnosed and treated, it was still largely considered a childhood disease. so unless i saw a child psych when i was in my 20s/30s…well most adult psychs aren’t looking for it….and even if they have more training to recognize adult adhd, it’s still diffiult to diagnose, especially when there are other psych issues at play.(as explained by my current psych)

so, i’ve moved on from why wasn’t i diagnosed as a child – or even as young adult – to just wish i had been. wish it hadn’t taken to reach middle age to understand myself better, to get appropriate treatment and tools and support.

and , trying to move away from the anger/ resentment and onto, well, moving forward. mostly the anger has dissipated, but it still occasionally rears its ugly head. it just doesn’t serve any purpose to wallow in regrets …wasted way too much time and energy doing that over too many years already.

i’m scheduled to have my first psychiatrist meeting next week. i’m hoping he’ll put me on meds right away, and hoping they will be ones that help, and with manageable side effects. and that that, combined with therapy and coaching (which i also started recently) and tips and support from here..i will find my way to peace, success, and, – dare i say? – happiness

whether or not to confront your parents? i’d say, like robbo, wait til you are feeling calm – and definitely not when feeling angry. like nellie said, most parents want the best for their kids and are not out to sabbotage or hinder them…despite what it may feel like sometimes. so maybe just try not to come from a place of blame, but rather a place of discussion/education….just let them know what’s going on in your life and how you’re working hard to minimize the impact of the negative aspects of this condition and to tap into the good parts to realize your full potential…and you could use all the support you can get

and, as wg said, those of us with children, our children will benefit from what we have learned, though the learning came pretty late for some of us. but that is a comfort to me too, that hopefully i will do better for them with the knowledge i’m aquiring, and the tools i’m learning, and the supoort we share here.

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