[Sam I Am]

Thanks to all who replied to my post. At the present time, i have not bothered with the Adderall. It is too hard to worry about ADD when I am in this ‘state’. It is like the bottom of the totem pole. At this point, I feel like I need to get this depression under control more than my ADD. So, I have gone back to square one. I called the community mental health dept and to do a ‘self’ referral, it is 7 days to get some help if it is urgent, 28 days for semi-urgent, etc….. I was so disgusted that I told them, “7 days if it is urgent? God, people could be dead by then!” and then I hung up. I called the dept where I went when I was discharged from the hospital after my breakdown and was told that my file was closed and I need to see my doctor for a referral. Okay, then, I called my GP and as luck would have it, she is going to be off work for the next 6 weeks. Fortunately, my doc knows me well and before she left, she did the referral up for me. We’ll see how long it takes. No wonder people don’t seek help when they need it.

For me, I am just hanging in, taking things day by day. I am trying to control any impulses I may have, such as making the moves on my husband, whom I have been separated from for a year. lol. This is what happens……I get these big ideas in my head and I want to act on them. The intelligent part of my brain knows that this could be disaster. What good would it do? Besides risking hurting my whole family again, I don’t even know if what I am feeling is real. Part of me just wants my family back, but how long will it last until I go wacky again. I feel like I have been climbing a mountain my whole life, and the relief I feel when I am cresting the hill, when I look around and realize that all that is there is more…….mountain. No matter how happy I can feel, it never lasts and I am always searching for the way to something better. It’s my job, it’s my relationships, it’s my geography………sometimes I think my whole life is one big fantasy. It’s so frustrating. What am I looking for? Why can’t I just stay happy? Is something really wrong with me or is it just a personality defect? Last year, I went home for a visit to BC and when I came home, within a month, I had a plan. The kids would stay with their dad, I would get them after Christmas, march break and 6 weeks in the summer. Had it all planned out. Holy shit! Thank God, their dad fought me on it, and I think the sane part of me realized it was wrong. I love my kids more than anything. I have hurt them alot. How could I even consider that leaving them would be even beneficial? That is just one of my ‘great’ ideas I have had this past year. So now I am acting on nothing. When I am not depressed is when I get even more worried. That’s when I get my brainstorms. I am just trying to keep it together and make no ‘big’ decisions about anything, and wait to get in to see someone. The psychiatrist I go to see, well, I don’t feel comfortable opening up to him. He will probably just be mad that I am not taking the Adderall.

Sorry for the long post. When I get on a roll, I vent and ramble on.

Thanks for listening.

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