[tallgrl212]

@blackdog I know I shouldn’t dismiss those feelings. It’s just a lot of the times I know I’m emotional but it takes me a long time to decipher what it means or even to describe them. And I’ve had times where I try to confide in my friends but they can’t relate so they get dismissive and then I feel bad and then I just keep it to myself.

You’re right I was so miserable that year. My whole life was school, and any small upset at school was like my whole world was ending.

I have to work hard to remind myself all the time that although its important its not the end of the world, and my grades aren’t an indicator of intelligence. But, it always seems easier said than done. I’m probably not stupid. The funny thing is people always tell me I’m smart (and I hate hearing it) because I feel like an imposter. Like some how I’ve deceived people into thinking I’m a functional adult when I’m on the verge of falling apart.

 

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[tallgrl212]

@kc5jck Absolutely! When I’ve extra time I try to read anything I can get my hands about the subject, I actually found this site via tumblr.  A lot of the strategies that have been suggested I’ve already employed at one time or another. For instance for studying I have a hard time sitting still for periods longer than 45 minutes without drifting off or getting ideas and abandoning my studies, so I’ve been using the Pomodoro method when I study, although sometimes my five minute breaks seem to turn into 20 or 30 lol. I’ve always tried to keep an agenda but they get lost and become out of sight out of mind, so I started using apps on phone to track appointments & homework. I have a to do list app that reminds me to plan the next day at 10:30 at night.  I started strength training last year, at first because I got obsessed with bodybuilding/kinesiology, but I realized that working out was just a really good way for me to blow off steam and keep me sane. So now I try and workout 3 or 4 times a week and usually before I study or before a long class.  My mom’s works with kids with LDs & special needs so I also get a fair bit of support from her.

The diagnosis would just help a lot at school when I’m killing myself to meet deadlines or just missing them because I can’t keep pace, or being able to write in the quiet accessibility room rather than a lecture hall or the gym. That and being able to take a smaller course load rather than a full time and dropping two courses in the middle of the semester would have been a great help.

As far as medication goes the idea of prescription MEDs scares me, from the side effects to the possibility of addiction to the fact that I would have to take it for the rest of my life maybe. I’ve always been healthy I’ve never had to take anything more than an antibiotic a couple times in my life. I live in a really crappy part of town where the products of drug addiction are all around; my next door neighbors sell drugs and I see their customers, they’re so worn and in such bad shape and so dependent that it just scares me.

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[tallgrl212]

Getting this diagnosis means so much to me. It’s confirmation that I’m not stupid or lazy and I am the way I am because of how my brain is wired and I can’t control it. It means that I could potentially go on to achieve things, and possibly waste less time beating myself up over all the things I can’t get right.

When the psychiatrist told me that I needed further testing, he also alluded many times that he didn’t believe me plus he was weird and didn’t listen to anything I said, I cried because all I could see was that my life was over. All the career/educational aspirations I had just gone.. I wouldn’t be able to get graduate college, or get a  junior/senior job in my field, I would never be able to go to university or even take exams/study for a designation. I would never be able to have one role at a time, like I can only be a student or only work because I can’t manage time or get overwhelmed by stuff. I just felt so bad about myself.

 

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[tallgrl212]

@dithl Thank you for your recommendation, I did not know about this site. I’m definitely going to look into the resources they provide.

See I’ve never had bad grades in post secondary, but it takes me more effort to achieve the grades I get. I didn’t realize that it could be a learning disability until recently.

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[tallgrl212]

@kc5jck Thank you for your advice! I contacted a coach not too far from me and I’ve scheduled a “discovery” call with her for this week, so I’ll wait and see what she has to say.

I’m afraid that I won’t be able to use the services my college provides because I will no longer be a full time student after this semester.

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[tallgrl212]

@blackdog, before I knew it was ADHD, this past summer I had reached an all time low with school and stuff so I had considered depression but I didn’t think it was serious enough (I didn’t think that I met all of the criteria) to actually talk to anyone about it. Plus my doctor at the time wasn’t that great so I was too scared to bring it up to her.

I want to continue on in school, I’ve always had plans to go to university but my attendance and grades were so poor in high school I decided to go to college to learn some study skills. Plus I feel like I have more to learn, and in order to get a designation in accounting you need to get a degree.

My first year in a certificate program in college was okay, I did well mostly because it was just stuff from high school that I’d already done. I still didn’t go to class though. And I  was still scrambling to get stuff done despite the fact that I cut off most my friends and stopped playing video games so I could just focus on school work, and I got a ton of help from my mom when it came to finishing assignments.  When I actually transferred into the program I wanted to be in I still did well, but as the semesters progressed my grades declined. My anxiety around exam time (I was still trying to finish teaching myself material, couldn’t stay focused long enough to study, panicking about failing because no university will want me or not graduating on time) gets so bad I had to go to the doctor to get excused from writing, my doc at the time just thought I was faking it. Then when you actually get into the exam rooms are so big and crowded with the acoustic magnifying every little sound, so its unnerving when you’re trying to write an exam and the girl next to you decides to open a bag of chips, or the clicking on the invigilator’s heel as she walks from the other side of the gym.

Comparing myself to my peers I would always feel so stupid because I  had to spend so much extra time trying to read and practice just to get half the grades everyone else got, but when all was said and done I still got lower grades and still felt like I was a huge failure and it was because I wasn’t trying hard enough to be organized or go to class. I hate going to class because I maybe get about 15% about what’s going on because I get so easily distracted by movements in my periphery or the smallest noises, plus whatever I’m thinking about or worried about at the time.

I went to school this past summer because I during the traditional school semester. Summer was the worst because the teachers have to take a 6 week vacation so some courses they would cram into 6 weeks (stuff like taxation, business law, and accounting topics deal with pensions and junk), just these really information dense courses. I just couldn’t deal, I came close to failing almost all of my classes. I passed because my mom literally had to sit down with me and walk me through my assignments.

When I did my co-op my performance appraisals (which were okay 7s and 8s because they were being generous) always mentioned how many mistakes I made or that I never seemed focused (I used to turn my head every time someone walked in when I heard noise), but the work was also incredibly boring and simple.

 

At my school continuing ed is basically just paying for your course. You don’t pay any ancillary fees or anything so it doesn’t entitle you to much but free parking. I’m not registered as a student with special needs. When I was like 3 the doctor told my mom that I should get tested for ADHD and she thought I was too young to be able to tell (we lived in a different country at this point). When I was a little older (at around 7)  she went back to a different pediatrician because she suspected I had a learning disability but I didn’t meet enough of the criteria to warrant further testing. I never caused any trouble at school for teachers to ever pay attention to me or suspect anything was wrong. Plus I got a lot of support at home — I had a parent to keep me on track and help me with my homework at all levels of education.

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[tallgrl212]

Well I’m about to write exams this week, and when I return to school I’ll be returning to school at night student (as a continuing education student) and they don’t pay the same fees as daytime students so they aren’t eligible for the same support as daytime students. I’d rather not stay in school any longer as I’ve already got three years in student loans to pay off 🙁 and I’m really embarrassed that I’m repeating the same courses with the same profs.

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