[wildweeder]

Hi Baj – I felt like crying when I read your story…even before I was diagnosed I knew that I liked having reminders (my dad had always been very calm when he would ask me “Did you forget [insert whatever it was I forgot]?” I would say “Oh yea! I’ll get right on it,” and do it right then.

I always felt I was different. I’d get A’s in some subjects, and a C- in one, so next time I’d focus on the other class… Got a D in algebra in high school, took it again in summer school and got an A. My parents would say “You are so so smart — why aren’t you applying yourself? I’d daydream so much in school. If a teacher was insensitive, or believed in the tough love, demand work, I would just give up. Did my best for teachers I liked who were empathetic, patient, and encouraging. My grandma was very supportive and always reminded me we each are unique, and we each need to find what works or ourselves.

For years I’d had problems with my marriage, spouse getting so upset because I didn’t do something, or remember to tell him something. I’ve explained that it really helps me out if he can give me a gentle reminder (like you said, wiredonjava) just before whatever it is that needs to be done.  When our son was young, spouse would come home, fuss about “what have you been doing all day?” (I would frequently get side-tracked and forget to start dinner).and I would freeze, and totally forget what I had done.  Hey, he had a happy kid! He was having tough times at work, so I guess he didn’t notice that so much. I started leaving vacuum out so when he got home, I could say “Oh yes, I vacuumed today! when he asked why the vacuum was out. I’d leave some clue out for whatever I’d done so I’d have a visual cue if he asked. Then it became — “why are all your jobs half done?” or “…not finished? What is wrong with you?” and “You must not really care about me, you don’t…” Not to mention that some things just take me a REALLY long time… like writing  — I read, re-read, re-write parts, re-read, edit some more. And I want it to be PERFECT, which is really silly – and I am better at letting that perfect stuff go now. At least with a computer, the re-writes are a little faster and don’t waste so much paper! 😉

Asking for reminders just got me “I shouldn’t have to remind you to do your stuff — it’s not my job.” Well yeah – I know that. But it’s what would really help for me. You’ve got your issues, and you aren’t perfect either.

Son is grown, spouse and I are separated. It is excruciatingly tough to find what works, and what works for one won’t necessarily work for another. My phone has multiple alarms set to go off during the day to remind me of things I need to do (whoa, wouldn’t THAT have been nice to have when my son was in school?) He is also not neurotypical. It is interesting to see that since his dad(my spouse) now has a friend with ADHD, he is demonstrating a bit more understanding for our son.

For me, I’ve found I need a low dose anti-depressant, and low dose Adderall, some meditation, and an acceptance that some things I need to get help doing or they won’t get done. Thankfully I have friends I can say “will you come over, maybe have some tea, chat with me while I work, and remind me to get back on task if I start to side-track?” for organizing jobs around the house.

Now that I’ve filled a page, I feel better (guess I needed to vent a bit, and it is nice being able to write out what is working for me).

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