Carrie, thank you SO MUCH for posting this! I’m reading your post and everyone else’s and I kid you not, there are tears in my eyes! That moment when you feel so much less alone because other people are completely and acccurately describing how I feel a lot of the time. I was just telling my sister in law how I feel so ‘transient’ in my life, how nothing is right, how I’m just this bad person somehow, this f-up…cue the tears.
I never like to diagnose people, despite what my sister says (‘Steph, you think that everyone is crazy’ Yeah, that’s a little true 
) Has anyone ever mentioned the possibility of bipolar disorder? I was diagnosed with that BEFORE I was diagnosed with ADHD, and my emotional ‘volitility’ increased during my menstrual period. My doctor explained that even when you’re on meds, your body metabolizes them faster during that time, and he had to increase my Trileptal during my ‘special lady time’, in order to save lives! The symptoms for me weren’t as extreme as yours, but the anger and depression…I told people I could go from “Zero to Incredible Hulk” in 60 seconds or less…
The one thing that my doc said that ALWAYS stuck with me was ‘self medication’ as far as drugs and alcohol. I used alcohol primarily to slow the spinning to ‘calm’ my mind. I was always fearful of harder drugs, although marijuana seemed to give me the same effect at booze, so I did like that. He asked me about family history of substance abuse, which wasn’t as strong as yours, but he pointed out that most addictions are biproducts of other mental illness. Not only did it open my eyes to mental illness, but really made me see addiciton for what it was, a salve for a wound that NOTHING else can heal…
Confronting the ‘darkness’ in my head that comes with the restless periods seemed impossible because who wants to really look at the thoughts that come to us when we’re frustrated, bored, upset, etc. Memzak-I’ve been where you are, pulled over for expired tags,no insurance, suspended license and when I got in trouble, I felt “I DESERVE this.” I’ve even SERIOUSLY considered chucking the car riding a bike and just ‘starting over’ because the fines and court costs involved in getting basic priviledges back is INSANE! I did the whole self flaggellation, followed by self destruction, but we get up and dust ourselves off right? Even if the day gets just a tad better?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I love this forum. Everytime I am able to get on and read it, it’s good for my soul. Thank you ALL so much for sharing.
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