Name that feeling!

[Carrie]

Krazy – I cant STAND To be alone with nothing to do! Like when husband and kids are gone. When they are at home, they do their own things but at least they are here and every once in a while I need to break up a fight, or see what husband is up to! That itch is horrible at times! Need a good back scratcher!

Memzak – Sorry to hear that! I have been asking myself that same question these last couple days… How to stop it with out doing something destructive! Is getting plastered really all THAT bad once in a blue moon to let off some steam? I dont see how if its only once in a while. I figure as long as im safe, its not habit, why not?? I was bad and I did eat “the whole cake’ so to speak. My cake was a poutine. It was the first time in I dont know how long that I ate until I thought I was going to puke! Im proud that I cant eat as much as I used to thats for sure! Before I could eat the whole poutine, all the chicken fingers. Now I ate 1/4 poutine and 2 of the fingers. Thought I was going to puke! I dont want to run, im too lazy. My running is sleep. When I get too overwhelmed, and im sick of my video games, or the internet, I go to bed. That always makes me feel worse because I could be doing something productive but instead im in bed feel sorry for myself. Its hard not to shut down, but how cant you when these feelings are so overwhelming! I know it always makes me feel better to type it out. Before it was always to a friend. Now it is here. I always feel silly after im out of my funk… But ah well. It helps!

Poutine anyone? hahaha

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[nellie]

Carrie are you still taking the ADD meds? I know a while ago when I was having trouble with the Concerta I didn’t take it one day while I was on vacation at the beach to try and reduce the side-effects. At one point late in the day I got so totally bored all I could think of to do was open a bottle of wine. Being as I was the only wine drinker in the house….oh well you can guess the rest. The next day I decided to take the meds again despite the side effects because that feeling of boredom is so overwhelming. The same thing happens every so often if I don’t take the Vyvanse but not quite as bad. I’m starting to recognize what I’m feeling so I can talk myself around it. I must say my drinking is much more metered with the medication. I can stop before getting drunk and just thinking about a hangover is enough. I must say never had the same kind of self control without the medication. Before I would have good intentions but after the 2nd beer that would go out the window. Not that I would end up on a two week bender or anything drastic- just the next day I’ll never driink again syndrome

Anyway lost my point here I think it was meds help me control the impulse and be aware of the triggers. I think……

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[Carrie]

Actually now that you mention it… I have been taking meds but not until around noon because I want coverage for my afternoon shift… Now that I think about it…. I am feeling this way while not on them! Only in the morning and at night once they wear off! Woooooow! I really didnt think about that. I must say…. I am a little impressed by this! Actually I am quite blown over the more I think about it! I was being a complete brat when I play fought with my husband…. And then started this thread…. And you are right! No meds! Then I normally come back to reply around midnight after work and once agian no meds! Wow! Well I made sure to take my meds first thing this morning! And I over ate while not on meds! Wow wow wow! Lets see how I am with them first thing to curb my pms! I also starte prozac to cope with pmdd and was scared to take add meds at the same time so I wasnt taking them. But this morning I have!

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[Shadow Nexus]

It’s our natural aggressiveness. The need to be doing something intense. We hate the parts of life where we need to sit, relax, and wait.

If I feel destructive, I just play out my that need to kill, blow stuff up, and slaughter my enemies. My favorite FPS:

“Fear 1”: blowing enemies into body parts

“Far Cry 1”: sniper rifle mayhem

“Crysis 1”: grabbing them by the neck until they pass out, then snapping the neck. Using them as a human shield.

My current passion is “Far Cry 2”. Good intense action, lots of stuff to blow up and watch em fly. You gotta love the machete. Attacking and finishing off wounded enemies. Heh Heh. Hunting em down with a sniper scope.

A lot of adhd people are in prison, I read, most don’t know. Me, I vent it and i’m ready to face the real world as a rational adult. As long as you keep it in the virtual world, it’s harmless.

There are many ways to deal with it. Exercise is another way.

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[Anonymous]

I think that learning how to deal with that itch can be one of the most difficult parts of ADHD. It’s why so many of us end up in self destructive activities. I am lucky I had some good friends around me to prevent me from going too overboard when I was younger. They kept me safe and listened to me vent.

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[Carrie]

Yeah the virtual world is great. But playing against bots isnt any fun. I prefer to play live and then mess with people. Like corner my own team mates and mess around making them mad, but only the ones with head sets so I can hear them rage hahahahaha Gosh im such a troll! I used to play survival mode on Garys Mod, and on one of the maps there was a glitch and I could hide behind the edge of the map. From there I would take things and shoot them at the players. They couldnt see what was killing them. It was hilarious! Thats what I do with that angst. Or on WoW, take my 85 and slay little horde towns until other 85s came to kill me, then run away! hahaha

Im glad I have my husband and kids, or I would probably be a drug addict on the road somewhere. They are the only things that stopped me. Its not for me, but for them!

I almost didnt take my meds today because I thought ‘hey im feeling great! Do I REALLY need them today?” But for once I remembered what happens when I DONT take them. So I took them. The Prozac is working great so far. My moods are stable! I cant believe it! Im actually quite mellow. The lady I was working with at work was looking at me strange and was asking “are you ok? Are you just really tired today?” I wasnt tired, just calm. I guess my expression was flat. I think she thought I was upset because one of our patients is in kidney failure and very very sick and I have a great relationship with her. Although it does upset me to see her sick and dying, but shes an end stage diabetic and geriatric. All I can do is give her the best care I can, and comfort her. Its her time.

Anyways, im off to get things done now! Talk to you peeps later!

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[Anonymous]

Funny you mention the addict thing. I’ve never been tempted to take drugs. My brain was always weird enough to keep me interested and it would have disappointed my father, which is not something a decent human being could do on purpose.

My therapist gave me an old book on Adult ADD and it talked about meds. One odd but interesting section was about cocaine. It said (after noting that cocaine was illegal), that it just makes an ADDer more organized! I laughed out loud when I read it–imagining a very neat and well organized crack house.

Funny:10 years of college, grad school and law school, working in a high-stress job in NYC and I never felt the slightest urge to try drugs. One paragraph in a book about ADD and now I’m intellectually curious. (Don’t worry, I don’t even know how to get free basic cable, much less illicit narcotics.)

Anyway, it’s apparently a common reaction. My therapist said that a lot of people in rehab find out they have ADD because they describe how cocaine made them act and a sharp counselor mentions ADD.

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[billd]

>>In one of my ADHD books, it mentions the “unscratchable itch” that is caused by ADHD.

So THAT’S it!

Wow, I thought it was just me…. I have that almost every minute.

>>–imagining a very neat and well organized crack house. <<

Now THAT is funny!! (living in a state that used to lead the country in such things)

>>I don’t even know how to get free basic cable<<

I did years ago – was great until a cable salesman came to the door and recognized the sounds of the movie I was watching…..

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[Carrie]

Since I was young ive always wanted to try them. My dad who “is” an alcoholic (recovered many years ago) has always been very opposed to drugs, same with his sister (my aunt) and family. Except my Uncle (who at the moment is a crack addict). My uncle has been my best friend pretty much since I was born – By the way my dad and uncle both (I know 100%) have ADD – My uncle was the one I would always talk to. He always made me feel better and accepts and loves everyone for who they are. No matter what I was going through he has always been there for me. He started smoking pot as a teen and has smoked pot all his life. Because of this, my dad, grandma, grandpa and aunt all kind of out-casted him and condemned him, when I dont see the difference between pot and alcohol, besides ones illegal. This made me angry. How could they treat him like that? Hes human and has his problems just like the rest of us. I guess doing drugs was my way of getting at them. If your going to treat him like that, treat me like that! People just don’t make sense to me. But how can you blame them? They only know what they have been taught… and act out of their own hurt and understandings.

Side tracked there… I guess then they became available so I tried them. The only one that became a problem was the MDMA, only because (as a stimulant, and as you said with cocaine) it calmed me. I could think and get things done!

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[Anonymous]

glad you have been feeling better, Carrie

I’ve never really done drugs, but they are not the only way to scratch the itch. Drugs are the most overtly destructive, but I’ve managed to find myself in plenty of drug free self-destruction lol.

-binge eating

-starvation

-compulsive gum chewing

-excessive dating

-getting As in school is compulsive for me..the gobs of time i have spend on certain assignments is absolutely ridiculous and actually life impairing as i NEEEEEED that A

-not scratching it and being left with dysphoria and anxiety you can’t shake

-computer games

-surfing the internet trances

-random mischief which I’ve been lucky that nothing bad has happened.

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[Anonymous]

Carrie, thank you SO MUCH for posting this! I’m reading your post and everyone else’s and I kid you not, there are tears in my eyes! That moment when you feel so much less alone because other people are completely and acccurately describing how I feel a lot of the time. I was just telling my sister in law how I feel so ‘transient’ in my life, how nothing is right, how I’m just this bad person somehow, this f-up…cue the tears.

I never like to diagnose people, despite what my sister says (‘Steph, you think that everyone is crazy’ Yeah, that’s a little true ) Has anyone ever mentioned the possibility of bipolar disorder? I was diagnosed with that BEFORE I was diagnosed with ADHD, and my emotional ‘volitility’ increased during my menstrual period. My doctor explained that even when you’re on meds, your body metabolizes them faster during that time, and he had to increase my Trileptal during my ‘special lady time’, in order to save lives! The symptoms for me weren’t as extreme as yours, but the anger and depression…I told people I could go from “Zero to Incredible Hulk” in 60 seconds or less…

The one thing that my doc said that ALWAYS stuck with me was ‘self medication’ as far as drugs and alcohol. I used alcohol primarily to slow the spinning to ‘calm’ my mind. I was always fearful of harder drugs, although marijuana seemed to give me the same effect at booze, so I did like that. He asked me about family history of substance abuse, which wasn’t as strong as yours, but he pointed out that most addictions are biproducts of other mental illness. Not only did it open my eyes to mental illness, but really made me see addiciton for what it was, a salve for a wound that NOTHING else can heal…

Confronting the ‘darkness’ in my head that comes with the restless periods seemed impossible because who wants to really look at the thoughts that come to us when we’re frustrated, bored, upset, etc. Memzak-I’ve been where you are, pulled over for expired tags,no insurance, suspended license and when I got in trouble, I felt “I DESERVE this.” I’ve even SERIOUSLY considered chucking the car riding a bike and just ‘starting over’ because the fines and court costs involved in getting basic priviledges back is INSANE! I did the whole self flaggellation, followed by self destruction, but we get up and dust ourselves off right? Even if the day gets just a tad better?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I love this forum. Everytime I am able to get on and read it, it’s good for my soul. Thank you ALL so much for sharing.

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[Carrie]

Thanks Sugar! Ive done many of those things.. Well kinda. That are on your list. Thank goodness with ADD you get bored quick and move on right? hahahaha Anyways I did, thank goodness!

Thank YOU for your post Steffie! It reminded me of something my uncle once told me when I failed my very first test and felt all I had done was for nothing and wanted to quit… Like I said above I always feel so bad about posting my feelings, thinking maybe I am just crazy… But my uncle told me… “Theres always a purpose. You may never see it, but there could of been just ONE person, who you may never know, you have helped in ways you didnt think of”

The only reason why Bipolar is out of the question is because it only occurs during PMS. The ADD meds didnt help level out my emotions like the Prozac seems to be doing. Before I really didnt understand or believe in things like “bipolar” or even “add” until recently when I see the impact it is having on my life. The PMDD is the worst. I cant control it, makes me feel like a horrible person, but now I know im not a horrible person, I guess its just my make up. Silly chemicals! Im almost in denial that I am PMSing right now because my mood is so stable! I still have my cheery state, just no anger or depression.

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[Anonymous]

It makes sense, in an odd way…bear with me.

I currently work in a Gynecology office. My doc doesn’t do OB anymore, just GYN and women’s health. We get a lot of women in here who are perimenopausal, or who are going through PMDD or other hormonal issues and my doc gives them an SSRI like Celexa, Paxil, etc. A lot of the time, our patients are confused as to why they are getting anti depressants when they assumed that they would be getting more hormones (in the form of birth control pills or hormone replacement therapy.) SSRIs have been found not only to help with the emotional component of hormone fluctuations but also the ‘vasomotor’, ie-hot flashes, night sweats, etc. It’s basically a miracle drug for a lot of women who have sought out treatment for a myriad of symptoms and never felt relief before. An incidental finding that has helped numerous women in our office!!!

Having worked here for 7 1/2 years now, I’ve learned that hormones are tricky tricky things. They are CONSTANTLY changing. Most people think that you’re only dealing with fluctuations during the ‘2 weeks prior’ to and then during your menstrual period, but actually, like phases of the moon, every day is a new and exciting hormonal flux! Woo hooo!

It would make perfect sense that the Prozac helps you out because of the effect that these meds have on quelling the effects of the hormone fluxes. Once I started on my own journey with ADHD, I found it ironical that much like my own issue, some people were quick to belittle ‘hormones’ and what it can do to women. I’ve talked to women on the phone who have opened their call with “I want to kill and I don’t know why…” I’ve also had women break down on the phone insisting that they aren’t ‘usually like this’, and then celebrating the fact that they are feeling ‘normal’ again. I’ve also had patients who when they first come to see us are surly and snarky and very combative. 4-6 weeks later, it’s a completely different story!!

So between my job and my life, I’ve realized that nothing is ‘nothing’. The mind/body connection is real and nuturing one WILL help the other.

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[Carrie]

Yeah, thats exactly how I feel with my PMS, well PMDD. I am still in awe of the Prozac! I feel great! Not one mood swing yet! The real test will be the 1-2days right before my period starts. Thats when its at its worst and I become very angry and very depressed! Im excited to see the results!

Do they women take the SSRIs all the time or only during PMS? My doctor wanted me to take them 5days prior or when my mood swings start, but they normally start 10-7 days before and get just worse until the first day of. According to my med book for PMDD one is suppose to take from about 14 days prior and on the day of. The pharmacist messed up my order and gave me 30pills instead of 5, so I started taking them a little earlier when my mood swings started. I will be going back after the whole experience to talk to my doctor. I am just so happy and relieved! Relieved that im not a total bag after all! hahaha

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[Anonymous]

Most of our patients take the SSRIs daily, but we do have a handful that take meds like Xanax for a specific amount of time related to their periods say the first 10 days of their cycle or days 22-28, depending on when they feel the most ‘haried’. I know that some of our patients have taken them for 2 weeks, but then tried them for longer because they felt SO MUCH BETTER. My doc looks at everything on a case by case basis, but if the patient is noticing a marked improvement then she will encourage them to take it daily versus during specific times of their cycle. In most cases, the women have been dealing with their issues for so long, they are uncertain whether there are times when their moods ‘increase’ they just know that they feel awful and are acting accordingly.

The bonus also being that although SSRIs still have a bit of a stigma to them, they don’t carry the potential health risks that adding more hormones potentially do for women (breast cancer, heart issues, etc), and depending on the severity of the symptoms, they don’t require incredibly high doses in order to improve the conditon. HRT can be a lot of adjusting whereas the relief from the SSRI is pretty immediate.

It will be interesting to see how you do during your ‘Special Lady Time”….that’s a medical term we throw around here

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[Author]

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