Name that feeling!

[Carrie]

Is it just me or do you have a hard time figuring out what you are feeling. Generally I have 2 feelings.. Happy and angry. Its like I cant discern what Im feeling. Probably doesnt help that I was not alloud to show emotion as a kid. So now Im confused as to what I feel!

Now I wanted to ask… I always get this feeling once in a while.. a very destructive one! One that makes me want to get really drunk for days, or binge on drugs, or anything destructive! Just once in a while it almost overcomes me and I just need to do something destructive to keep me going. Its like a terrible itch. Now that I think about it I have been battling that itch for a long time. First I got into alcohol, was drunk a lot, then sex, then drugs. Only lasts a little while each spout maybe 3weeks to 2 months… Normally just to the point where im about to lose it all or go completely crazy and then I quit and move on. On my way to work I was just thinking about that. GOSH I NEED TO GET TOTALLY DRUNK! or MAN I NEED SOME GOOD PSYCHEDELIC DRUGS! But I dont want to go down that path again. I havent been there in months! Im smarter than that now, now I see theres an itch.. But I dont understand what this feeling is… or how to deal with it!

Perhaps its a gremlin inside my mind! hahaha

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[nellie]

What’s the surrounding trigger? Maybe boredom? Do you need some sort of stimulation?

Just found an interesting website, the following article about addiction triggers is interesting:

http://www.troubledwith.com/AbuseandAddiction/A000000774.cfm?topic=abuse%20and%20addiction%3a%20alcoholism

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[Carrie]

Oh! Thats very interesting. A trigger…. Well on my way home yesterday I thought about how bored I was. Thats probably it. Everything is going too smooth, too slow. Same thing over and over and over and over and over and over! BLEH! Need to mess things up a bit! Need to wake up a bit! But what can I do thats not the wrong way to wake up?

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[Anonymous]

What is something exciting you can do? something outdoors.. a day trip somewhere fun.. making art in a coffee shop. I get bored urges sometimes in which I must absolutely do something exciting or I suffer this inner agitation which makes me really frustrated, irritable, and a little depressed. you could buy some really naughty (not appropriate to discuss on this forum) and…….husband…. I’m kind of feeling that way right now (although I’ve never craved substances). I’m trying to see if I can get anyone to go hiking with me. just to burn the energy. I have a guy friend who would definitely go, but he is getting interested in me in the wrong way >_< and I don’t want to risk hurting him by pushing the convenient friend button too many times.

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[Carrie]

A hike? Not risky exciting enough. Unless I am running down the mountain from a cougar, now that may be interesting if I dont die! hahaha Well I do love the outdoors, that is where I would spend my days as a kid. I would leave in the morning, stay out exploring on the mountain or down by the canal and come home when it started getting dark. I love to explore.

Meh Ive been down the road of buying things *not approriate* with hubby.. Been there done that. NEXT! hahaha Thats the way I feel with everything! Alcohol.. was drunk for almost 2 weeks then my husband said “I think you have a problem” so I quit just like that. Drink once in a while now. Bout it. Been there, done that, NEXT! Drugs… Did a lot of drugs in about 2 months. Acid, 2c-b, MDMA, E, Cocaine, pot, hash, mescalin…. Been there, done that NEXT! Once again, my husband said… I think you have a problem. So I quit just like that. Plus it helps when you take too much and then black out. Kinda scared me. Havent done any of that in a long time, bout 7 months now.

My husband and I had a good “play” fight this morning. I was trying to grab his nipples since that bugs him, so he grabbed my hands, so I tried to slap him while he was holding my hands, so he pushed me into the wall and hurt my hands… and then I was ticked! In the end, his chest is all scratched up around his nipples. His nose, nipple, knee, arm, elbow all scratched and bleeding. I came out with teeth marks on my arm. hahahaha We always play fight like that. That helps get some frustration and itch out. One day we will come out all beat up. Once I get hit I just get angrier and I dont care how much im getting hurt im gonna kill you! hahaha Its hilarious. We are crack heads. Its probably my PMS. It makes me want to be such a brat and just annoy the crap outta him for fun (like grabbing his nipples). Its when I crave mischief the most! BLEH! Poor guy. Guess ill go pop some more meds *grumbles*

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[Anonymous]

eeeps! very dangerous mentality! there won’t be any rush that will be enough and you risk destroying your life trying to chase it . I seriously recommend seeing a professional for guidance on this. I apologize if this is intrusive unwanted advice. I’m awesome at that type of advice.

careful about what the kids see.

please take care!

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[Carrie]

Its all good! 😉 Its not that bad We only play fight in our room. The kids always come in and we cuddle and tickle, dont FIGHT fight hahaha And yes I know better than to chase THAT kind of excitement. Another good rush is being on stage! That I havent done in a long time! I play the bass guitar and love to go to random jam nights. Being a random girl who shows up to play the bass is great because everyone just assumes im not good at it until I get up on stage and wow them all. Im always soooooooooooo nervous before I go up but once I start and everyone starts to cheer you just feel amazing! I just need to get out and enjoy this summer! Maybe I will just pack up my kids and head up into the mountain for a nice lunch. Working sucks sometimes when days off dont jive with the hubbys

Yeah, I know PMS is not an excuse, but thats exactly what this is right now. I was just quite hyper, and right now I feel like complete crap! Just want to go into my room and cry for no reason! UGH! This is the ONLY time I feel this way! During my drug spout I was sent to the addictions counselor but that was going no where. She told me everything I already knew and plus I dont have an addiction, never did. Was just for a short period of time. I only get whacky during PMS. Like my post a while back in April on Easter. That was the worst it has been. I was so upset I locked myself in my room without saying a word crying while my husband was outside my door worried and asking if I was ok. Many times I have been into mental health while PMSing. First time I went in for a possible eating disorder. But as soon as my PMS was over I was fine and didnt go anymore. Second time went in was for drug use. Once PMS was over, I was fine and left. Third time was for the ADD… Stil sorting that out, and now like you already know have started the Prozac for the PMDD. I also always feel horrible for posting things like this, so I have started a blog so I can just vent all my troubles there and not feel bad about it haha

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[Anonymous]

don’t feel bad!!!!! forums are a really good means of support. and whomever posts in response is doing so out of personal desire to be helpful! thus, no guilt. ok?

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[Anonymous]

Carrie, when I get frustrated and destructive, I head for the video games. I’ve killed more Nazis and terrorists than the entire U.S. Army. Call of Duty is a great series, as is Bad Company.

BTW, there should be a “Me or ADD” section of the forums!

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[Carrie]

Well thanks sugar! I always feel bad though! I wont though!

Pete – Yes, I often play video games. BLACK OPs!!!! Not zombies… They scare me. Im too busy screaming to kill anything. But I always feel bad for playing because then all I do is play and nothing else gets done! But I guess thats better than being destructive while in these types of moods!

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[Anonymous]

In one of my ADHD books, it mentions the “unscratchable itch” that is caused by ADHD. I have felt it too – I pace the house and have no idea what I want other than to be doing something “different”. It nearly always happens when I am alone. I end up bawling my eyes out from sheer frustration. Having the kids has toned it down a lot, because I am alone a lot less, so I find that I enjoy my alone time when I get it, but I am sure as they become more independent and I am rushing around less, then the feeling will come back in spades as being alone starts to wear thin. Shift work is certainly crappy in that respect because I am often home when hubby isn’t. I have realised that the more physical outlets I have, the less I feel “itchy”, so I think I need to get myself into more regular exercise. And having reasons to go out and socialise also helps, so maybe I’ll have to join a quilting club or similar, or pick up extra shifts at work, once the kids start driving and don’t need me running around after them as much, so I will have a reason to leave the house. The more I am out and about, the more I appreciate my time alone and the less likely I am to feel irritable and out of sorts.

I wish I knew of a helpful suggestion, Carrie, but I can’t even find out which of my books mentions “the itch”!! How typical

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[memzak]

I have felt that itch as well. My itch is usually when things go wrong. I just figured out something. I am hiding from living because I don’t want to go back to dealing with things going wrong so I do nothing. Do nothing and nothing can go wrong right? That is actually wrong as well. I had a very bad day. I got pulled over because of no brake lights. My insurance had expired and my car got towed. I lied to the cop about my insurance but I was so stressed that I said the first thing that came into my head. I didn’t have my registration with me. I cried for a couple of hours and Jessica’s friends have been helping me. I got the insurance fixed but now I have no food money for the next two weeks.

I shut down for a while. I drank two beers and had dinner and that itch started itching bigger. I feel really bad. I want to explode then the panic starts. I DID SOMETHING WRONG. My whole life I have been scared of doing something wrong, but then my whole life I didn’t know about my ADD. I want to explode. I want to run. I want to eat a whole cake. I want to take a bottle of Benadryl to fall asleep and maybe not wakeup again. I am cut off from all my usual video games, have been for a while. My only outlet that I have with me (can’t get home right now) is my needlepoint that is almost finished. I probably only have about an hour of work left and I wanted to stretch it before I put the final touches on it.

How can I stop this without drugs or doing something destructive?

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[Anonymous]

@memzak, I’m so sorry to hear that. I think we’ve all been there or someplace like it. I get that pit in your stomach, and you feel like I’m worthless and drowning. I don’t have a cure or even a suggestion, just sympathy. Try to occupy yourself with something until it passes. This too, will pass

Hang in there.

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[Anonymous]

The itch is a great term to use. I feel itches too! Im finding that I am needing to plan days in advance to make sure it can be satisfying. Hard thing to do when it is difficult to put stuff together to plan. Right? So far im finding the most success with physical activity even if just walking and planning ahead. Planning ahead takes soooo much willpower. However with the meds I have been better about enjoying the moment with the constant stream of second guessing.

I have no idea what this post is going to look like because I rarely post using Droidy the smartphone and the dreaded autocorrect. I turned off my computer in hopes that the mobile web is annoying enough to not be addictive!

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[Anonymous]

Hugs for memzak. Depression is a monster.

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[Author]

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