Reply To: Frustated with having ADD

[mulegirltx]

Oh, faequine, my heart goes out to you, as I recognize parts of my own life in your story. It makes me realize how IMMENSELY fortunate I was to grow up with parents who encouraged us to think for ourselves and be ourselves, which led to my finding little job communities or other areas where the majority of folks were more like me than not. But I’ve also spent my time around people who exist on the opposite end of the brain spectrum from us…and it’s so demoralizing, depressing, and, frankly, toxic for us, because there’s only so much energy we can expend in trying to be someone other than ourselves. Additionally, IMO, there’s only so much we can change the ways our brains work. Therefore, our significant others (be they spouses, bosses, friends) need to have a reasonable amount of leeway and understanding.

I recently went through a very down time which made your original post here very familiar. In the midst of it all, a friend I had kind of parted ways with many years ago, but who had always appreciated the good qualities my ADD gives me, even if the negatives drove her away at one point, got back in touch with me. I called her and we had the most wonderful chat. She has mellowed a lot in the last few years…and dropped a lot of her judgmentalism. Sadly–really, really sadly–for her (and makes me sad too), she had to lose a son to suicide in the midst of depression before she realized many things.

But the good news is–she is good for me because she really values my sense of humor, my creativity, my empathy. Those are good qualities that ADD tends to give us all. Part of why I love it here (and I’m a newbie to this site, but now visiting every night!) is the ability to care deeply and understand each other added to the quirky humor shown widely here. When I get down on myself now because of friends and co-workers who don’t understand how my brain works and think I “just don’t care and am rude,”” I find it helpful to remember that my ADD also gives me a great sense of humor and a connection with non-humans and some other humans that those neurotypical people possibly have no clue about.

So, in that sense, I am grateful for the good side of this. It’s made me who I am and to heck with anyone who doesn’t like it. Mind you, that doesn’t mean I don’t see a need to continue working on weaknesses and finding ways to work around my weaknesses to get along in everyday life. But I recognize the need to also find people, places, and times to celebrate the good parts.

But, then, again, I’ve been very fortunate in my life. My ADD did eventually drive my ex and I apart, and I miss his friendship. But I don’t miss his attempts to control which led to ridiculous extreme criticisms of me. Life is too short to spend it hating ourselves because we begin believing what people who can’t understand our experience of life say to us. IMO, people on the opposite end of the mind spectrum from us are too rigid and never see the big picture. But I don’t dwell on that, let alone beat them over the head with my observation. I just leave or avoid them whenever I can, because I know how awful it feels to be told all the time how bad you are. I don’t want to waste my energy on it–I’d rather get lost for two hours watching a dung beetle roll one of my donkey’s poops away (yes, I did do that once!).

It may be that I just finished editing a book on emotional abuse, but I must add my voice to the encouragement of you seeking outside opinions of your situation. Again, life is too short to be berated and beaten down. We not only need, but DESERVE, to have parts of ourselves we love and feel great about. I can charm most domesticated animals like nobody’s business. And I’m really, really good at editing and fact checking books. I also crack myself up with my sense of humor–and laughter really IS one of the best medicines there is. When I get to the point of not being able to laugh at life, I know I’m in a real pit and need to act now to get out.

I really do hope you’ll spend plenty of time here and start valuing yourself, because you ARE great and you ARE much stronger than you think you are. BTW, that’s another trait I think we’re all actually forced into by being a minorty in the way we think–we tend to learn how to be flexible. I had a friend many decades ago who used to always say “I’m a willow. I bend.” I look back at my life now (I’m 51), and realize that the people I have learned the most from, or valued the most, were people who were also either ADD or very close to it. We have an ability to see beauty that others miss–sparkly!! 🙂 Another friend of mine actually took me to a beading arts and crafts store in Burbank once. She regretted it immediately when I was so rapt at all the wonderful sparkly things I literally didn’t hear her talking to me. But she also loved that about me.

The friend I mentioned before that I’ve reconnected with actually gave me two gifts back in the day that show me she really does appreciate me on some level. One was a coffee mug that says “I live in my own little world, but it’s OK, they know me here.” the other a t-shirt saying “Always late, but worth the wait.”

Find a motto like that and I send you many wishes to find a friend who will bring you things like that…then remember that even though our quirks can get irritating, without people like us the world would not have much of the great art and insight–let alone downright hilarious comedy–that it does. We matter. YOU matter.

 

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