Holidays… I hate holidays. Does anyone out there like them?

[shutterbug55]

For me holidays are not a time of joy. They are a time of torture. Mostly because I have to spend them with my family, who doesn’t really like me. My mom, who died last year, was the only one who tried to understand me and while she didn’t know why I am the way I am, she always looked for my strengths and the good. To my brother I am always the 4 eyed-freak, my dad I am a looser. Everyone else…. well they just nod their heads and smile when ever I speak, and ignore me the rest of the time..

I just got back from the annual Thanksgiving dinner, and I must say, with out anyone there to talk to, it didn’t go that badly. I was able to think a lot about these people who are family and watch them in their conversations. I spent the whole weekend alone in a crowd. I had one conversation with my brother, who again goaded me into a rage.. nice to know all the buttons are still there.

The Christmas programs are out there and all they make me do is cry because I have no real memories of any “good” holidays.

How do you all handle the holidays?

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[Wgreen]

Interesting post.

If autism can be said to be a disorder that impairs the ability of an individual to interact with others, ADD is a disorder that makes it difficult for others to interact with the individual. Well OK, I know it’s not quite that simple, but the result in both cases is—or can be— alienation. With ADD, there is an additional problem: Not unlike carbon monoxide, ADD is an “odorless, tasteless, colorless” agent—it can escape detection for years, hiding behind what appear to be nothing more than character flaws. So whereas autism elicits compassion, ADD often does not. We’re on our own. And that can make interactions with family and friends (if you can manage to have any) problematic, especially during an “anti-alienation” time of the year, when everybody gathers around the hearth, etc.

You ask how we handle the Holidays. The answer in my case is, “with tremendous difficulty.”

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[Just_Nemo]

When it comes to me and hoildays there is 4 words that I always seem to say about it ” It makes no sense” I’m the one who will call for a pizza on thanksgiving “Be thankful no one has to cook” but as for that for me it has no real value, just a waste of time money and stressing us out and for what so miss “I’m never good enough or stop acting stupid” to say “At least you tried” no thank you she can piss off someone else. I’m done with that uesless crap I don’t wast my time on it and will not be bullied into setting aside my views and values for something I know to much about. I mean I’m part native american and why should we celebrate thanksgiving? why? we were used and then nearly killed off when we were seen as a issuses…Yeah I will pass on that piece of stupid we call’ “tradition”.

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[billd]

Wgreen – ADD also has the effect of not liking large groups, holidays, etc. It’s a part of it depending on the severity and “type” you have.

In my case, I was diagnosed with ADHD (severe) and “social anxiety” which the neuro-psyc said was PART OF adult ADHD.

Some say it’s a result of the ADD child having to deal with troubles being different, etc. – so they learn to avoid people.

You said:

>>If autism can be said to be a disorder that impairs the ability of an individual to interact with others, .<<

Same for ADD really. It’s not untypically a part of ADD in adults.

ME, I love the holidays! What I do NOT like are crowds, the rude people, black friday (how appropriately named) and very large family gatherings. If we have 6-8 people over, say direct family, I’m just fine and really do enjoy it. But grow from there, cousins and their in-laws and out-laws, extended family, kids by the dozen I don’t even know – the DIN for hours on end, that I don’t like at all. I avoid the large gatherings.

I avoid crowded stores (hassles and rude people) I get tired of trying to fight through a rude crowd when simply trying to buy a gallon of milk.

I like the time of year – I like what it’s SUPPOSED to be. i hate what it’s turned in to. I hate the competition for a toy before the fellow next to you grabs it out of your hands. I hate the gatherings where you can’t hear a single voice in the crowd.

(and I don’t like gatherings with a whole lot of little kids with sniffles where the parents think it’s really ok to bring a sick kid who is under 2 years old and won’t remember it anyway – rather make everyone sick than do the right thing and think of others – I ALWAYS get sick afterward – today is no exception)

So I like the holidays spent with small number of family, or just immediate family. I like what it’s SUPPOSED to be and mean.

I hate rude shoppers, competition for trendy gifts, crowd, and gatherings of family folks I won’t see again for a year – and don’t know who they are anyway.

just_nemo – you have other traditions you could respect and follow if you wish. Or you could do what “Christians” did for centuries – use the holidays of OTHERS to celebrate what they believe. I mean, really, Christmas did not originate in late December, the “original U.S. thanksgiving” did not happen in late November, etc. In other words, “celebrate” or remember on that date, but in your heart and mind, be really observing something more along the lines of your own traditions. (harder to explain – I know what I mean, but just can’t convey it well at all)

Frankly – I can and do understand much of your line of thinking in your message. “I get it”.

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[Gryffindork]

HA! I had something brilliant & pithy to say so of course I somehow deleted it. Glad I can still laugh at myself, although mostly I feel frustration. And isolation.

I do enjoy the holidays, but I don’t buy into all of the stupid emotional baggage. I just love the beauty of the season….the colored lights, the beautiful trees with lots of shiny things, the very concept of Peace on Earth.

I give money to charity rather than buy gifts for people who don’t really need anything. I plan to purchase cat & dog food at my local, independent pet store then donate it to my local pet food bank, in the convenient barrels located in the store. I avoid crowds. I don’t watch commercial tv or listen to commercial radio, so that I’m not exposed to the obnoxious commercials.

This year I’m going to try really hard to send out Christmas cards…but I’ve not been able to get it together to do that for over 50 years, so don’t hold your breath.

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[Anonymous]

I think all of us have things we like about the holiday season and things we don’t like. I hate feeling like I need to spend a pile of money to make my children happy, when I’m strapped and just getting by paying my bills. I enjoy their happy faces when they get gifts, I just hate the price tag. I hate driving in black friday traffic (lady almost hit me the other day) even when I’m not going shopping. I do not have social issues other than the normal ADD things of losing patience waiting for others to finish talking and when it is finally my turn to speak forgetting what I was going to say. I’m an extrovert though and that probably has more to do with my lack of social anxiety, than ADD or anything else. I miss my extended family at this time of year worse than any other and that kind of makes it more stressful. Plus the crappy weather makes for a little more struggle just to get up and get out of bed every day, especially when I have to drive in it so I know I should be leaving earlier than normal.

But I do love the lights and decorations. I love the spirit of giving that people have at this time of year. I do love the smiles I see at the airport when families the live a fair distance from each other are reunited. I love how pretty the world is when it’s covered with a soft layer of new fallen snow.

I was thinking recently about my memories of my father who btw is still alive and realized that he is the one I inherited ADD from. He’s got all the classic symptoms with some twists of course. Untreated ADD explains so many issues in our lack of relationship. It’s sad really, but I’m pretty sure his health issues will prevent him taking stimulants. The holidays remind me of that fractured relationship when guilt is piled on by other family members for not going out of my way again to make a relationship where one doesn’t exist.

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[dspicelady]

My daughter asked me today if we were a “normal” family because we don’t like getting together with extended family for the holidays. We have done it often in the past and ended up stressed, tired and miserable. My husband, my girls and I all have our own flavour of ADHD and so do some of our extended family (theirs undiagnosed). Sometimes I think it’s just impossible for all of us to have it, but the docs think otherwise. So the last couple of years, we’ve just done our own thing. The plan for this year is either Thai food, or my daughter’s fave- spaghetti, caesar salad and garlic bread and just the four of us (and our dogs) enjoying each others company. I can’t think of a better time. There are many definitions of normal, and I think if we are happy not being in a crowd, aren’t subjecting others to our discomfort, and celebrating being together as a family, then we are as normal as we need to be. And if the extended family doesn’t understand it, or has a problem with it? Too bad!

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[billd]

Lana….. you said:

>>I hate feeling like I need to spend a pile of money to make my children happy, when I’m strapped and just getting by paying my bills. I enjoy their happy faces when they get gifts, I just hate the price tag. <<

You do not have to. I grew up in a quite poor family. The house was maybe all of 800 square feet AFTER it was added on to. 2 bedrooms, 3 boys. TINY kitchen that doubled as “utility room” with washer, dryer, water heater, etc. Living room was crowded with 5. Bedrooms were probably 10 x 8′. No basement. Single car garage with busted up floor, leaning walls.

Mom was unable to work most of the time due to depression and ADD. (hospitalized a lot for the depression)

Dad commuted to work in the city to a factory job at a plant that made lawn and garden equipment. Single paycheck. He’d cash the check and give it to Mom – who would then sort of into envelopes that were stored in a metal box. Each was for a different purpose – light bill, gas, car expenses, groceries and so on. when that envelope was empty – it was done. Dad was given just so much to go get as many groceries as he could that were on the list. When the money was gone, he stopped shopping.

Christmas was good because it came from the heart – with love. Our toys from our parents were normally simple and inexpensive by even 1960s standards. They literally saved a couple bucks each week from the beginning of the year, and shopped ALL year, catching sales, bargains, etc. No such thing as “black friday” back then, even if there was, no way they’d participate! A real treat was 5 cent candy of our choice – we’d usually pick out something we could make last for several days, instead of a “candy bar” it would be something like SweeTarts where we could eat a couple a day and enjoy it over a week.

We were fine. Yeah, we heard the “hand-me-downs” jokes and all – but there’s nothing we wouldn’t do for our parents now, we loved and love them, we knew they did their best. We grew up ourselves believing that kids shouldn’t have all the things some of our friends might have, and felt we were better off for not having. We were taught well, trained well, and well adjusted. As adults, we can more easily and honestly appreciate what we have now. we take far better care of things! I’ve got stuff I’ve had since I was a kid or young adult -very well cared for, still works. My friends, well, not so well off…………… they don’t care for things, they suffer really badly in hard times as they don’t know how to budget. My current wife grew up similarly – when I lost my job a few years back and was unemployed for 22 months – we didn’t suffer, we simply trimmed the sails, tossed out extra weight, and carried on. We can weather the storm much better than those were were given much, had a lot of stuff, and never knew how to budget or live in hard times.

I think I’ll some day thank my parents …………. they did us a great favor.

I feel sorry for the 12 year old with a cell phone and all new designer jeans.

I feel that some of the feelings SOME of us have this time of year IS due to weather, LACK of sunlight (when is the SHORTEST DAY of the year???????) – it has a genuine impact on the human condition, holiday or not.

I have social anxiety and am a severe introvert. So I’m sorry I can’t relate to some of your stuff – and yet somehow feel like I do still understand.

Worse – whenever we get together with Barbara’s extended family – it’s 5 cousins each of whom have had 5+ kids, 2/3 of whom are now married with 1-5 kids of their own and so on – and EVERY SINGLE TIME we get together with them, I get TERRIBLY sick. This time was no exception. Severe flu and cold, sicker ‘n a dog the last couple of days, still need to keep aspirin handy, wear sweatshirts for the chills and stay CLOSE to a restroom if you get my drift. If I’d not go, I’d not get sick. Proven that in the past. I go, I get sick (she did this year too!)

Plus, frankly I hate the big crowd and being in with so many I don’t know and can’t directly relate to………. I know it’s not their fault. I don’t blame them.

dspice – sometimes we just enjoy the small group of immediate family – either just my wife and I, or just us with my son and his wife, or just us and my parents. Honestly, we’re just as happy, and get the same feelings…………the intimate gatherings like that can actually mean much more, IMO.

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[memzak]

I have always hated the holidays. My reason is more along the lines of hating the disruption of my routine. It is so hard to establish a routine in the first place and to have it blown apart for 4 days every November is more than annoying. Along with the cost of all the food we don’t normally eat during the year. On the flip side I do like getting together with my 3 sisters and younger brother (older bro lives in Texas). I can tolerate the noise level of the collection of our 10 kids and a few grandkids (barely) for a couple of hours. We play our favorite card game called Fan-tan and have a ball. The kids are usually gathered around the video game having their version of being together. There are times when the adults are louder than the kids. This year I don’t have much of a routine because I am applying for disability and am not working so I was looking forward to a change. It does bother me that I don’t have enough money for Christmas presents but I have decided to make some gifts this year.

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[sdwa]

Um, yeah….No. I don’t like The Holidays. At all. Ever.

Confusing – socially.

Overwhelming – too much activity.

Demoralizing – I have no idea what’s going on.

Exhausting – physically and emotionally.

Boring – I have nothing to say, and neither does anyone else.

Lonely – feel alienated.

Unrelatable – No sense of meaning or purpose

Empty – would rather be home by myself doing something else

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[billd]

CODE BLUE – interesting!

I can sort of relate to a lot of that………….. funny, but I find many things you say to be interesting or important so the nothing to say is not a perfect fit for you IMO.

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[Gryffindork]

sdwa…clever!

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[shutterbug55]

SDWA, I can relate. Especially about the “Would rather be home by myself doing something else”.

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[billd]

shutterbug55 that is the one that most applies to me as well regarding large get-togethers. Small ones, that don’t last long, ok.

But when it takes ALL day, early AM to end of day, and I don’t get any “alone time” or time in my SHOP, I almost freak.

And here I thought it was JUST ME all these years!

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[shutterbug55]

Billd,

One of the things I have discovered in this journey, is that we are not alone. Sometimes it seems like EVERYBODY I talk to has this ADD thing going on. (Back to subject)

I thought long and hard (in short bursts 😉 ) about Thanksgiving. I have to be dragged into group settings and crowds. It takes so much energy for me, to block out the distractions, or pay attention to all that is going on. In the end, I find myself alone in the crowd, escaping into my daydreams because I don’t really have a connection to the people or conversations around me.

I hate being alone, because if left to myself, I get nothing done and loose track of time doing things that don’t matter. I hate being in crowds because I end up alone anyway and drained of energy. Holidays are the toughest on me, because I am supposed to be with family and friends and be “Happy”. I am not a happy person in crowds.

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[Author]

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