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Hi Nellie,
You are not alone. Even today, it seems to me that too often the schools that actually *are* acting on bullying are doing so mostly as a means of limiting liability and/or managing their public image. While bullying-education activities and events are staged, bullying goes on in the classroom and when it is reported the response is along the lines of ‘well-what-did-he-do-to-cause-it?’ My friend’s son has ADHD and is 10 years old and he is being bullied by a pack that seems to grow in number every day. The school does nothing but suggest that he has done something to deserve it.
And therein lies the rub: victims of bullying are stigmatized.
They are told not to play the “victim”. They are accused of not standing up for themselves. They are made accountable for their bully’s behavior. Or, they are accused of paranoia, conspiracy theories, and of making false allegations. And when they stand up for themselves they are vilified — many a victim is accused of being an aggressor.
Worst of all, bullying causes so much shame in the victim that a self-stigmatization takes hold. You hate to do anything to call attention to the bullying because you dread the stigma and the shame of being the “victim”.
The stigma then extends to the victim’s friends and acquaintances. This is what causes the friends to abandon the victim — they fear being stigmatized too. Isolation results. This is the shunning behaviour that causes incredible harm to the victim — both physical and psychological — disarms them even further, and enables the covert bullying that sees the victim defamed, discredited, ridiculed, and tried in their own absence. When someone confronts you with aggression, you have options for how you react. But when the aggression is covert, you’re kept in ignorance and isolation and your options are taken away.
It took me decades to get to the point of being able to admit what happened to me. I identified as a strong, smart, capable person, so I ran from the “victim” hat; never naming the problem. I was ashamed. But when you have been damaged by bullying, denying it doesn’t help. It only makes things worse and enables the bully. And the people who are around the victim need to be able to name it too. It takes guts.
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