Re: The Walking Lonliness of the Nearly Departed

[gforcewarp9]

Dear trashman,

My heart always breaks when I read posts like yours. You sound very depressed, and no wonder. In the past, I felt so badly about myself, I too thought the world had no use for me. At 34 I moved to Portland OR, and I was living in my cousin and his wifes basement, trying to go back to community college. Everyone I knew in Portland were succesful by regular standards. I had freinds who were doctors and lawyers (though I should add that one of the lawyers I knew was working as a carpenter and he was definitely an a.d.der, and my doctor freind was an alcoholic and a total scatterbrain as well, and to this day I have no idea how he made it through med. school, except that he was exeptionally bright.) Most owned their own home. anyway– I did nothing but compare myself to these people. And if youre wondering why they would hang out with a 34 year old woman that lives in their cousins basement, well they were friends of friends and all in the same type of scene. Now, back to the point, again! Before I started school, I spent day after day miserable. I couldnt get out of bed, and I was fantasizing about suicide. Also contributing to my misery: I couldnt find a job, and I had very little money. My cousin kicked me out when I was in the middle of a school quarter (and doing well) because apparently I was leaving the door unlocked and the burners on. They were not nice about it.

We have all been through the ringer trashman. Please, take heart. Life can change dramatically. I am now a wife, and a mother and I have stability like Ive never known before. So much has changed for me that I dont even recognize myself. So dont give up, and dont let the i.q bullshit take you down. It doesnt mean anything. The first i.q test I ever had said my i.q was only 99. That went against what every adult and every teacher in my life had ever told me. When I took the test however, I was hungover, and I didnt take it seriously. I have retested and guess what, I tested at 129. However, even if it had not improved, you know, why base the way you feel about yourself on how smart you are. Did it tell you how good of a person you are (question mark not working on computer keyboard!) or how kind you are, or how creative you are… in terms of success in life, emotionall intellegence turns out to be a far better predictor than i.q anyway. So screw that test. I hate how it affects people`s sense of themselves, me included.

I have to say your second to last post scared me, because when you said goodbye to the group, it really seemed like you could have really meant goodbye life. Please talk to someone if you are considering suicide. That goes for everyone! I just found out a while back that my best freind from grade school killed herself, leaving behind a 3 year old son and a husband. No one knew she was suffering. So please, talk to someone.

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