Re: Write, Write, Write more, Read, Send Post? Delete? Make up your mind

[Anonymous]

Adderall on, taken at 6:00am 20mg

I cant describe the feeling I have knowing there is such a great support system here. I guess one reason for me writting and deleting is that after I construct a long winded post I read it back to myself and whatever it is in regards to doesnt seem like its such a big deal. I’ve been told so many times that I complain too much, and that I talk to much. I can see the look in peoples faces when I start and they realize that they are in for a longer conversation then they thought. I think that makes it tough, you know the whole conditioning thing, I have this wonderful group for support and to help build my confidence and again thats great. On a local level though there is only a small group of people who are supportive enough to help me with my confidence but one of them happens to be someone that I cant depend on this for, she is not going to be in my life for forever no matter how much i’d like that for it to happen. Friends dont stay friends forever.

No matter how many times i’ll try to write this i’m sure despite the support everyone here gives will still feel that it is too much or not enough. One thing that i’ve noticed is that sentence structure seems to be more important to me than the words I choose. I wish I had a counter for my profile that would keep track of the number of compositions then deletions. I find that even when i’m at work just trying to say leave a note for a co-worker that I am still inclined to write the note 4 or 5 times before I can leave it as it is.

So by now i’ve written this too many times, i’ve moved the cursor around and recomposed and added the first paragraph, but wrote the second paragraph first, and now i’m writting this run on sentence that i’m going to keep in here because it will be like a baby step or something. I”m rambling I think.

Well back to the first paragraph for a bit. Ok I added that I was on my Adderall while writting this. It helps a ton, I can honnestly say that despite writing, deleting, keystroking, backspaceing and cursor moving that If I didnt have the Adderall i’d be doing the same thing only worse, and on top of it would feel like I was going to be graded for the final post (heck I still feel that way) Also I feel like i’m running late for something when i’m trying to figure out what stays and what goes, what gets put into and taken out of paragraphs. Sometimes its word/s replacement, sometimes its entire sentences and most of the time its the entire post. I am on the forum a lot of times reading up as I have the time, I try to repsond to a lot of things, I have posts that i’d like to make too but have found myself just deleting the entire thing. Is this redundant sounding? Am I just repeating myself more and more trying to re-enforce how I feel trying to justify my crazy writting style? Or how about this could it be even a part of another disorder. There has been mention of perfectionism and OCD in regards to writting this way. Honnestly (and I know i’m jumping around here) didnt think there would be such a big respose to this. I didnt think so many people had trouble like me when it came to this. So yeah now that i’m off subject I cant get back on, I just thought of something else and now I cant remember cause a car just pulled into the parking lot at the STBUX that i’m at. Oh, its that one thing that I dislike is that I like to write. I love to write music expecially but do the same thing when it comes to lyrics. I think it might be worse because I dont throw away tidbits that i’d written. I save my notes and discarded lyrics from other songs. It makes quite the paper mess. Ok well now i’m sure i’ve been rambling on now, and despite everything will send the post.

Now comes another difficult part, the ending. How will I ever be able to construct an ending when I am not satisfied with the body? If i take the time to read over the post (which i’m not going to do) I will not be able to send it. I’ll begin to formulate a plan for the ending of the post. I’ll begin to write and after time will decide that the ending doesent corallate with the rest of the body and will think its stupid. Sorry this is so…….. arg. I’m just hitting the button. I hate my brain sometimes but like it a lot other times.<— Oh my. I think thats a BIG part of it. I”m indecisive. How obvious was that? Why is it that I couldnt see that before? I know this about me. Why would I be able to recognize certain things about ADD in regartds to verbal comunication and one on one interactions with people but when put into terms of text or literature cant seem to see the picture? Comunication should be the same no matter the process in which its conveyed? I guess the luxury as its been said before is that unlike spoken words I can go back and re-read what i’ve meant to say or not meant to say.

arg again… Gotta get to the bus stop for work this is the crucial part because this is when i’ll most likely delete anything. I know i’ve said that a bazillion times and will now risk being late for work or missing my bus to try to re-enforce that statement too. This sucks. I’m sorry thats wrong, I should just…..

I feel like i’m no… i’m so frustrated now, I have to go.

At work now, I almost missed the bus. I was on the wrong side of the street for pick up (I just didnt have time to cross the road yet) and he was nice enough to notice that I was trying my best at bus stop sign language to get him to stop. That was a nice.

ok that was all so yeah. i’m still frustrated with typing even though i’m going to make another post…. or lets say i’m going to try.

REPORT ABUSE