Write, Write, Write more, Read, Send Post? Delete? Make up your mind

[Curlymoe115]

When I am typing a reply to something I reread it a hundred times through to make sure that it is a coherent thought. If after I reread it I don’t think it is as clear as I would like I cut and past a preface to the comment into the slot. When I am speaking I have a really bad habit of starting the conversation in the middle and my listener is often confused because they weren’t in my head for the first few minutes of the conversation. Too bad we didn’t come with bubbles of thought above us. With writing I have the same tendency but at least here I have a few minutes to go back and reread before I post, unlike my poor listener who is often completely confused but doesn’t want to look stupid or impolite and ask me to clarify. My BFF doesn’t have the same compunction and she always says “what were we talking about again” so that I can start to explain the internal conversation that she missed out on. This comes from long knowledge that there is always a conversation running in my brain that I am having with myself. You aren’t crazy for talking to yourself, you only have to worry if you think someone else is replying.

I also delete large parts of my reply when I realize I have gotten way off topic, or if it seems too self serving. I am lucky that my computer is set to highlight spelling errors, however if the word is correct but isn’t the right word you are out of luck. Spelling errors glare at me like a tooth ache. But often I will realize after I posted that I used the wrong word or whatever. Sometimes I use the edit feature and other times I just let it stand. Depends on the type of error and whether it obscures the original meaning of the sentence or paragraph.

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[Anonymous]

Adderall on, taken at 6:00am 20mg

I cant describe the feeling I have knowing there is such a great support system here. I guess one reason for me writting and deleting is that after I construct a long winded post I read it back to myself and whatever it is in regards to doesnt seem like its such a big deal. I’ve been told so many times that I complain too much, and that I talk to much. I can see the look in peoples faces when I start and they realize that they are in for a longer conversation then they thought. I think that makes it tough, you know the whole conditioning thing, I have this wonderful group for support and to help build my confidence and again thats great. On a local level though there is only a small group of people who are supportive enough to help me with my confidence but one of them happens to be someone that I cant depend on this for, she is not going to be in my life for forever no matter how much i’d like that for it to happen. Friends dont stay friends forever.

No matter how many times i’ll try to write this i’m sure despite the support everyone here gives will still feel that it is too much or not enough. One thing that i’ve noticed is that sentence structure seems to be more important to me than the words I choose. I wish I had a counter for my profile that would keep track of the number of compositions then deletions. I find that even when i’m at work just trying to say leave a note for a co-worker that I am still inclined to write the note 4 or 5 times before I can leave it as it is.

So by now i’ve written this too many times, i’ve moved the cursor around and recomposed and added the first paragraph, but wrote the second paragraph first, and now i’m writting this run on sentence that i’m going to keep in here because it will be like a baby step or something. I”m rambling I think.

Well back to the first paragraph for a bit. Ok I added that I was on my Adderall while writting this. It helps a ton, I can honnestly say that despite writing, deleting, keystroking, backspaceing and cursor moving that If I didnt have the Adderall i’d be doing the same thing only worse, and on top of it would feel like I was going to be graded for the final post (heck I still feel that way) Also I feel like i’m running late for something when i’m trying to figure out what stays and what goes, what gets put into and taken out of paragraphs. Sometimes its word/s replacement, sometimes its entire sentences and most of the time its the entire post. I am on the forum a lot of times reading up as I have the time, I try to repsond to a lot of things, I have posts that i’d like to make too but have found myself just deleting the entire thing. Is this redundant sounding? Am I just repeating myself more and more trying to re-enforce how I feel trying to justify my crazy writting style? Or how about this could it be even a part of another disorder. There has been mention of perfectionism and OCD in regards to writting this way. Honnestly (and I know i’m jumping around here) didnt think there would be such a big respose to this. I didnt think so many people had trouble like me when it came to this. So yeah now that i’m off subject I cant get back on, I just thought of something else and now I cant remember cause a car just pulled into the parking lot at the STBUX that i’m at. Oh, its that one thing that I dislike is that I like to write. I love to write music expecially but do the same thing when it comes to lyrics. I think it might be worse because I dont throw away tidbits that i’d written. I save my notes and discarded lyrics from other songs. It makes quite the paper mess. Ok well now i’m sure i’ve been rambling on now, and despite everything will send the post.

Now comes another difficult part, the ending. How will I ever be able to construct an ending when I am not satisfied with the body? If i take the time to read over the post (which i’m not going to do) I will not be able to send it. I’ll begin to formulate a plan for the ending of the post. I’ll begin to write and after time will decide that the ending doesent corallate with the rest of the body and will think its stupid. Sorry this is so…….. arg. I’m just hitting the button. I hate my brain sometimes but like it a lot other times.<— Oh my. I think thats a BIG part of it. I”m indecisive. How obvious was that? Why is it that I couldnt see that before? I know this about me. Why would I be able to recognize certain things about ADD in regartds to verbal comunication and one on one interactions with people but when put into terms of text or literature cant seem to see the picture? Comunication should be the same no matter the process in which its conveyed? I guess the luxury as its been said before is that unlike spoken words I can go back and re-read what i’ve meant to say or not meant to say.

arg again… Gotta get to the bus stop for work this is the crucial part because this is when i’ll most likely delete anything. I know i’ve said that a bazillion times and will now risk being late for work or missing my bus to try to re-enforce that statement too. This sucks. I’m sorry thats wrong, I should just…..

I feel like i’m no… i’m so frustrated now, I have to go.

At work now, I almost missed the bus. I was on the wrong side of the street for pick up (I just didnt have time to cross the road yet) and he was nice enough to notice that I was trying my best at bus stop sign language to get him to stop. That was a nice.

ok that was all so yeah. i’m still frustrated with typing even though i’m going to make another post…. or lets say i’m going to try.

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[Curlymoe115]

Kyle, I don’t think it is a case of being indecisive that has you rewording or scrapping a post altogether. This written communication is a permanent record unlike verbal communication. You have a chance “to get it right” and therefore you spend a lot of time worrying that it is perfect. I think the reason I spend so much time rereading and rewording is for clarity of thought. Have I added too much or too little. Like in my technical writing I try to remember my audience may not have the same reading comprehension level and doesn’t know my shorthand so I try to make sure that what I put out there is understandable for everyone. My brain whirs at a million miles an hour. My tongue is almost capable of keeping up but my fingers are nowhere near as capable. So sometimes my brain has moved on long before the completion of my sentence.

I too am easily distracted and I will be intent on saying something, something else will catch my attention and then it is gone. A few years ago I bought the Dragon Naturally speaking but it had more errors then was acceptable and could only keep up if I talked like I was just learning to talk or was translating as I went. I bought it because I was going to finally write some of the stories down but then abandoned it when I realized how many errors there were and how slow I would have to talk. I can type as fast.

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[Anonymous]

I hate to ramble on, and i dont want to leave things out, I later think to myself that whatever it is that i’m trying to say isn’t important enough to bother other people with. As for rewording and retyping yes I want to get it perfect.

trying to make it simple this time.

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[Wgreen]

If you’re looking for a truly articulate analysis of ADD and the damage it can do, may I recommend James Trilling’s article, My Father and the Weak-Eyed Devils, in the March 1999 edition of The American Scholar. It completely open my eyes.

The article created a stir when it was published, because Trilling—the son of famous New York critic Lionel Trilling—is not a mental health professional. Many thought it was inappropriate for a prestigious journal to publish an article about ADD by someone lacking the appropriate professional credentials. Still, he spoke to my/our condition with tremendous eloquence. For example, his definition of ADD, as I recall: “a neurological disorder of the moral will.”

Here’s a short extract…

“Attention deficit disorder is a congeries of symptoms, to all appearances unrelated and sometimes contradictory. If there is a linking theme, it is the inability to maintain a productive level of concentration (“focus”) through the normal range of daily activities. Lack of focus can show itself as a failure to do the right things or to keep from doing the wrong things. The symptoms are almost as diverse as the demands of life itself: hyperactivity, but also lethargy and daydreaming; procrastination, but also rushing into situations without thinking about rules and consequences; unwanted shifts of attention, as when a conversation overheard across the room suddenly drowns out everything else; unprovoked or disproportionate outbursts of temper; inability to plan ahead, stick to a task, or keep track of time; insensitivity to other people’s unspoken needs; high-risk and thrill-seeking behavior; and obsessive cravings that are no sooner satisfied than they give way to others just as intense. The list goes on, and it is easy to see why many people see the individual symptoms as no more than weaknesses of character, and “attention deficit disorder” as a product of our collective self-indulgence, invented to disguise our failure to discipline ourselves and our children.

Most specialists agree that the medical understanding of ADD began in 1902. That is when George F. Still, a London pediatrician and medical historian, gave three lectures (published in The Lancet of that year) on what he called a “morbid defect of moral control” in children. Faced with a range of crippling disorders, from simple inability to concentrate to “stealing, lying, vicious [and] spiteful acts,” Still was able to see that these apparently disparate symptoms flowed from a single source. He recognized that a failure of moral control need not be a failure of moral awareness; it can be a failure of will. Many of his patients knew the difference between right and wrong, but felt themselves in the grip of an “irresistible impulse” that kept them from translating their knowledge into action. Taking his cue from William James, who wrote in The Principles of Psychology that “the effort of attention is the essential phenomenon of will,” Still saw failure of attention as the common denominator.”

The entire article is available online (http://www.highbeam.com/doc/1G1-54756983.html), but for a fee. If you don’t want to spend the money, try a local university library. Most would have back-issues of the American Scholar in their collections. It’s the magazine of Phi Beta Kappa.

P.S. If Trilling is right, it might explain why so many people refuse to believe in ADD. It would require them to concede that some people are not endowed with (truly) free wills. And that would cause millions of folks to have to rethink their core beliefs and theologies. THAT is something many, dare I say most, people simply are not prepared to do.

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[Anonymous]

thats very interesting, I’ll have to check to see if I can find a copy somewhere.

When i was in 7th or 8th grade a friend and I were out late at night and saw a couple of nice bikes outside a grocery store. He thought since they werent locked it and it was late that it would be an easy “job”. I didnt think it was such a good idea to take the bikes and voiced my oppinion. He agreed with me in the end and before I knew it I was on one of the bikes with him yelling to me to wait for him to catch up. I got off pretty easy with only 7days of house arrest and 40 hrs. of comunity service + court fees. I learned my leason despite knowing that I shouldnt steal. Despite knowing the impulse in me was stronger than my own upbringing within a strong religious family.

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