Re: ADHD Journeys and the Unbelievers

[allan wallace]

G’day Ali, I don’t know what the process is like in the UK, but here in Oz it’s fairly arduous…for me it began with a referral to a psychologist by a GP for depression, and I was apparently scheduled for 6 appointments, but after what I think was the third session with her, she recommended that I see a psychiatrist for she felt that I had ADHD. I knew very little about it, and thought that she was mistaken for I’d convinced myself that I had chronic fatigue syndrome, anyway after I saw the shrink and answered all of his questions he informed me that I was a ‘text book’ ADHD subject…I was prescribed medication, and off I went. That was in 2008. I had very mixed feelings about it. It was a mixture of despair (Now that I was labelled a looney tune), relief (that there was a clinical reason for my shambolic life), and just a general sadness at finally being diagnosed. I’d avoided psychiatric scrutiny for so long because I feared that I’d be classified as something defective, dysfunctional, and demented, and now it was official, I had ‘mental health issues’, just as many people had suggested over the years…it was bloody demoralising, embarrassing, and exacerbated depression which gave my already low self-esteem a kick down a few more rungs lower than it already was.

Initially I responded in the way that I always respond to things: I was in denial, and I ignored the diagnosis. The meds lifted my spirits a bit, and at times I did see the rut that I had buried myself in, but I knew that the meds alone weren’t going to be a panacea. I needed to accept that I couldn’t hide from it anymore, and as hard as it has been, I’ve had to accept that I can’t do it alone. I need support, and I need to try and understand the condion which has so adversely impacted upon my ability to be the person that I’m capable of being that I might be able to somehow dilute the potency of the self-destructive tendencies that are inherently a part of me. I shamefully admitted to myself that I’ve never really tried to achieve anything because I expect to fail. I’m so used to not seeing anything through, and I’m so accustomed to letting people down that I realised that I’d become defined by my procrastination, my knack for fucking everything up, my disregard for myself, and my utter lack of motivation was due to my close association with abject failure! I’d become such a prolific loser, and so accustomed to being blamed for all disasters within 100 miles of me that I fatalistically learnt to just cop my whack, even if the wack had nothing to do with me…but, I could take it! Gee, I didn’t intend this to be depressing! I shan’t waffle on to much longer, but suffice to say, I’ve had my kicks up the backside from ‘authority’. From my very first day of primary school, to being expelled from my last high school, to the courts, and to being ‘banged up’. I’ve taken what they’ve dished up and not capitulated. They can’t, and never will crush my spirit…I don’t hate police, but I certainly hold most of them in contempt for being the spineless donut munching gnomes that they are! It really truly pisses these clipboard clutchers off that not everybody is terrified of them! They detest the impertinence of one person to defy a bloody army of them with a one fingered salute! Meh, don’t get me started on the bloody intrusive gnomes…just because one doesn’t wilt before them it doesn’t mean that one is a bloody one man crime wave either….

Hmm, I’ve gone off on one too many tangents, where was I? Ah yes, I just wish that I’d had my diagnosis in my teens so that I could have avoided so much of the shit that I had a magnetic attraction to. Even as disasters follwed me like the trails on comets, my most profound regret is the people that have been let down and hurt by my actions, or inactions. I deserved all that I copped, and then some, but it gnaws away at me the ones that I’ve burnt along the way. I wrote apologies for my cheating to a few girlfriends that I lived with, but there are countless souls that have suffered because of my kamikaze lifestyle… Gee whiz, you’d think that I’d watched too many crazy movies if I was to document the crazy rollercoaster ride. Even me with my panoramic imagination couldn’t make this stuff up lol! I can scarcely believe it myself, and I don’t dwell on it. I really should have been dead so many times….I hope that they don’t stuff it up with your lad. They must accept that treating this is so much better for everybody, and I hope that he doesn’t have to wait until middle age for a diagnosis as I did. I’m just lucky that I made it there to get diagnosed…. ,yikes, it’s late, and I’m tired, and I’ve probable waffled on far more than I intended to. I certainly began this post with a completely different purpose in mind. I’ll offer up something more sensible tomorrow. Goodnight and good luck…

Allan.

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