Re: I don't know what to do with my life

[Anonymous]

munchkin, i love the icon you picked for your handle, it’s awesome, girl! so beautiful….thank you for giving me your own story and heads up, when i just finished reading your post right now, i just broke down into tears!!!

my husband has been threatening to kick me out too. he was actually going to send me and my son home to my mother’s house this summer…..not that my parents would not accept me but i do not want to be a burden to them and on top of that they are too old (dad is 93, mom is 80) their home is too messed up to live there and it would be just torture for me to go back into that house as it will be cramped sharing a bedroom with my kid. (though now, i also have them on my mind as well, because i’m doing more caregiving so it’s not a bad idea if i am close by…yeah, i considered that end of it too)…. he was just about to do it this summer, it’s EXACTLY what i’ve been going thru!!!! oh yeah, on top of that we both decided to give our son a med vacation. i do not mind doing that but unfortunately he put his foot down about putting him back on it this year though i told him that we need to do this to give him a fighting chance to be in school and productive. The intuniv for my son was a miracle, not a stimulant, just made him focus. He seemed so normal on it. When he’s off, not so much. I thought that this year since he did better without it during this summer, that it would translate into doing well at school. Though his behavior is a little better, his “star” chart shows that he’s had many more better days at school, the teacher told me that he is not ready to be mainstreamed this year. completely burst my bubble and broke my heart…. it was my hope that he could make it without the meds into a regular classroom. i know that this sounds very counterproductive because why would i medicate myself and then turn around and not medicate my own child? he complained about weird pains in his groin, it hurt to pee, had a lot more headaches, pains in his legs, and nightmares. weird side effects, i did not think that the sleepiness after school was bad because i let him take a nap afterwards but when he started in with the other stuff, my husband got worried about ruining his health long term. we don’t know what these drugs do to the children long term. i’m thinking that in the future i may not be a grandmother. stuff like that, in addition to him having problems with his brain or problems with his other parts of the body. i’m nervous about that too. so far, the maturity is not there yet, i’m hoping that he will get better as he gets older, because his other cousins have it and they seem ok and they do not take meds. they kind of grew out of it. so i’m hoping for the same for my boy. he only needs the meds when he is in school anyways, during the summer, it was difficult but not so bad since i was home for most of the day.

i’m hoping that if i do the RX, that it will also work for me. i wish that my hubby can do the turn around and realize that I no longer want to hide behind my undiagnosed ADHD (not that i was but everytime i tell him that i have it to please be patient, i’m sorry, i don’t mean to make stupid mistakes, lose things, not remember what i’m supposed to do next, etc…. he just loses it, and thinks that i am being weak and that ADHD is not real, just an EXCUSE….) I really do want to be productive, i’m willing to try anything at this point…….i do NOT want to apologize anymore and then 10 seconds later do the same thing. it’s so hollow and empty and “normal” people don’t like it when you keep saying sorry, though you are sincere……

most of all, i know this sounds like a line out of the wizard of oz, but if i only had a brain to match my heart, i would not be in this mess right now, i just want to understand ADHD better….i myself feel so clueless.

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