I don't know what to do with my life

[Anonymous]

i’m 40 and in a terrible rut. i’m sad all the time and i can’t seem to concentrate or follow through on things. i forget everything and unless i write it down i forget, but even when i write things down, i forget to do them. my child is also struggling in school, though he is creative and brilliant, has also been diagnosed with ADHD. we’ve medicated him but we’ve taken him off for the summer (and have not put him back on them). i thought he was doing better this year in school but his teacher said no, that she doesn’t feel like he’s ready to be mainstreamed and she feels that he needs meds to function. i’m so torn – i’m actually very frantic and worried about this on the inside, though on the outside i have what the brits like to say “stiff upper lip” about this because while i saw improvement in him while he was on meds, i know that he suffered really weird side effects. my husband has put his foot down on medicating him. he’s frustrated with me as well. i make lists and lose them. i lose all track of time during the day and it seems like sometimes i look at something and when i blink my eyes, the whole day is gone and I am scrambling to pick my son up from school and am late again doing so. it’s not like i purposely forget my child (i love him dearly) but doing things with a child in the equation though when he was just a baby, it was much easier is now almost impossible. i just want to run away and join the french foreign legion (if they will have me) ha. no one wants me around, i’ve always been berated for being in my own little world, though in school i’ve always been smart without even studying in the elementary and high school and i would only need to cram for my exams the night before to get decent grades on tests. my husband’s affectionate matter of fact nickname for me is “last minute franny” i have always gotten by with doing everything at the very last minute but i am now short of breath and do not like doing things in panic mode all the time. it just sucks. my creativvity, happy go lucky nature and lust for life have been replaced by the mundane boring world of a nj housewife. no offense to the housewives of the world but i’m not nor will i ever be that admirable pretty or sexy (most of the moms i’ve seen have their make up and hair and nails done and I’m not even intrrested in doing that anymore) doing everything in a highly efficient manner, productive happy soccer mom – i wish!! or sometimes i wish that i could be a stepford wife because then i would not feel all this anguish and turmoil inside. economically, we’re not too bad, but having a household with 1 wage earner has enormous pressure on just keeping basics like paying bills and not having dinners out that much harder on my husband. i want to be more positive like i once was. but i’ve hit a huge boulder in my path, and i cannot find my way around it. i do want to medicate myself but my husband does not want me to because he saw what it has done to his mom (she abused anti-depressants and others) and he does not want me to end up like her. i feel like i should try to do it “behind his back” and see what happens. i’m hoping that with taking wellbutrin, i can stop being so damn depressed, be more productive and happy, i know that it can be used as anti-depressant, and the other benefits are supposedly that it will address my adhd, help me lose weight and increase my libido, i think that with these benefits (sounds like a “wonder drug”) i can get what i lost back. and keep my family from going insane. i don’t want to stay on this “crazy train” any longer. i know that if i go back to work i may not be able to hold whatever job i have for long because i’m not confident in myself anymore, i lose track of time and am not organized, plus i have not been in the workforce for about 3 years so my skills are very rusty. i know that i have a lot of stuff on my mind and it seems like this is not very coherent but i need to talk to someone even if it’s online to a bunch of strangers to vent, i want to hear some thoughts. perhaps i’m overreacting? i know that i feel right now that i’m the poster girl for being “FAT, LAZY, STUPID AND CRAZY” i must be if i feel this bad about myself but right now if this wellbutrin works for me and i can get my life back, i will stop feeling that way and work on the other things, one thing at a time instead of juggling all at once and dropping the balls at the same time. FYI, i did speak to my doctor and I was the one that had brought up the name of this medication because i wanted to know if this was something that would address most of my “issues”. She said that it would be a nice start to treat my depression but she doesn’t have the experience and knowledge about the ADHD part, though she was aware that this med can be used for that and it affects weight loss and libido. What do i have to lose? i feel like i am at the bottom so i need to climb out and feel better and help my child who is now struggling and give him the support he needs. right now, i am just barely going through the motions of living, getting up, washing up, making beds, making his lunch, dropping him off to school, picking him up afterschool, doing homework together after school, making dinner, washing/showering then watching a little tv before going to sleep, the inbetween stuff of being home alone and housework, balancing checkbook, going to the bank and post office running a few ittle errands, i just barely make it back in time to pick him up. time has become either extremely fast when i don’t want it to be or extremely slow agony of just getting the basics done. am i asking too much if i want a more “normal” life? what can i expect to get from being medicated? will it be able to get better or will it be worse for me or am i just pscyho in believing a pill will make me “normal”? i’m just so exhausted all the time but i have a hard time going to sleep and staying asleep at night. my immediate goals though not necessarily in this order, is to get organized and be clutter free and clean in my home and in my life. i want to be able to find things, i want to be able to socialize, i want to get a job, i want to lose weight, i want to be healthy and happy but most of all i want to help my child succeed ! also, instead of continuing to let him see what a sad loser his mom has become i can support him better instead of just struggling to live. what should i do to help myself get started besides taking this med? is there something here that helps ADHDers to organze?

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[trashman]

Hi forgot ,it feels like you know me by the way you describe yourself. there are no quick fixes here. but this is a place to get a lot of info and all what I believe honest and true support . it will take a while , make yourself comfortable and start studying for the big exam called life.and this is just my opinion but I think that people are perfect just the way they are. take it from a short little fat guy , thats maybe not the brightest bulb in the box. but what I lack in brains I make up with really big heart. so let s talk meds, I am on 108mg concerta and 450 mg effxor do I like fact that I on these no. but I take them so I con join in on forms like this .I might not have a lot to give but a willing ear and a big heart . so study here a little and you will see their are some really smart people that are real and willing to help you.so welcome and enjoy you are now among people that understand your struggle . ps I did lose 70lbs on my concerta but then it stopped O” well its a start.good luck. just note I found out at47 in 2010

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[Anonymous]

Hi TotallyFGT………..tiny hint….break up you posts…doesn’t have to grammatically correct….it just really seems to help read them, otherwise it’s…….a huge page of words…..daunting.

Anyway…..howdy…..Trash is right-on. This is a nice place to fall, it is safe here, and there are many many good folks, good hearts too, sometimes with a little assistance tossed in………..but for sure, support by the yard. There are so many helpful posts already on the site, so there is good reading by the ton if your so inclined……but finding posts can be time consuming to find.

I read your post, but didn’t see if you were diagnosed ADD or HD….your child yes, but……you???? things like depression can and does mirror ADD in many ways……so……….jus checkin in with ya????

Toofat

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[Anonymous]

hi toofat, sorry about the mad rush of words above. i was spending another sleepless night worrying again. just to give you a little bone, no, i’ve never been diagnosed with it, but i think i have always been this way. when i was younger i was definitely very hyper and restless. now i am just spacing out for no reason. my time management skills are just terrible, i am never organized and i am always losing something.always late no matter what i do. people who know me think i am very flighty as they think i am on my own planet though pretty good natured. i do have a lot of patience but now that i’m older it seems to all but disappeared.

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[Anonymous]

trashman, thank you!!

i feel like i’m at a breaking point and i even tried to drown my troubles. i do not have an addictive personality and i can’t drink or do drugs out of a paper bag. believe me, i really wanted to = i tried to a few times and i DID not like it one bit! i told my dr. that because she started to ask me a lot of questions as to why i want to do this med but i feel like maybe i really need it? also, i’m worried sick about that i cannot teach my son good life skiils because i have poor ones. my husband cannot understand how i feel on the inside. he is “normal”. for example, he can set his alarm clock and get up when it rings wash his face brush his teeth grab a cup of joe, and get himself out of the door while i merely hit the snooze button and then wake up again in alarm because i realize that i am not in my 20’s anymore and have a kid to get to school in the morning. i cannot continue to go through life just winging it. i have a family to take care of . i am quite a chatterbox. i go off on a tangent a lot. i am so overwhelmed by details so i tend to just “tune” people out. i hope that i can just make it. i will try to break up my posts but once i get started to type my fingers just fly on the keyboard because i want to get it all out of my head the minute i think it otherwise it’s lost forever. please let me know where should i start?

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[Anonymous]

one more thing for both of you, thanks again for reading my huge post! i guess now that i have a family i realize that i have responsibility to others rather than myself. my husband does not understand what my brain does. we talk a lot of our plans but i end up doing quite the opposite and it makes him very angry. i can only explain that i am not being lazy or crazy but i hate calling myself stupid in front of him. i do not understand or know why. i am not insane. but why do i continue to make the same mistakes over and over repeatedly if i am sane? hell, i don’t enjoy making them it’s not even that i do it on purpose but i cannot help it. (he even said people who do this are really insane). maybe i am losing my mind? i just want to begin to understand and then i just want to fix it. i have nothing else to lose.

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[billd]

totallyforgot – from the post style, etc. – I think it’s safe to say you have ADD………….

What can you do with your life?

LIVE IT.

You sound like me – you are NOT stupid – gee, you found this place and are here to chat and get help and friendship, etc. – I’d say that’s not exactly the actions of a stupid person.

TOOFAT once again nailed it (he does that quite a bit – he’d make a great counselor)

– it runs in families. I never thought of myself as having ADD of all things – but my son was diagnosed with it really bad about 20 years ago, my mother has all the signs, and she now says her father had all the signs – so why would it skip me? I found recently (and I’m 54) that I have it bad.

WELCOME to the forum. You are not alone.

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[Anonymous]

TotallyFG…..I take it you are looking for some next steps………here are a few hints.

1. Make an appointment to see your GP, explain your issues…..right now!!!

Note: Before you go make a SHORT list to take with you…. point form notes (10 to 15 points MAX) to assist you, so you can get you issues out to your GP in a coherent manner. It will help your communication………

2. Before you leave, ask your GP for a reference to a specialist, or another GP who is familiar with ADD and ADD testing if possible.

3. Ask your GP if there is a prescription you can get started on….right away to help you out until you can get into the specialist???

4. Take the test at the front of this web site….now!!!! Write down your results and take them with you to your GP along with your list.

That’s a start……… baby steps…..first things first.

Toofat

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[Anonymous]

thanks for your guidance toofat. well appreciated. we’ll be chatting soon. i forgot to tell ya, i already saw my GP about this which is why i was asking about wellbutrin in my post. whether i should medicate myself or continue to muddle with my life? i’m beyond exhausted with just muddling, i desire action! i still have the RX sitting in my purse being compacted by other junk in there, it’s like a black hole that i take with me everywhere i go. i took the test a while ago it pretty much tells me that i’m the poster child for ADHD. i’ll do it again to see if i’m still there. it’s funny how life is. by the way, have you ever thought about going into counseling? i sincerely think you would be great at it. by the way, believe it or not i have a Psychology BS. funny how I never got around to using it. i almost failed college and i never did anything with it. i thought that i made a wrong career choice, so I ended up working as a secretary in my early 20’s got burned out by 30. went to massage school, got my degree in OT, never did anything with that either. I just feel like I have no sense of direction. i guess i have been mentally beating myself to a pulp, pulling my hair, and literally biting my nails down to the bone compulsively. thanks for listening. this is what i needed and i will continue to post because it gives me a sense of comfort to know that while i really don’t know the people here, that they really care.

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[Anonymous]

billd also thank you for your thoughts, i needed to hear from others, the kindness of strangers…. wow… sometimes i just don’t get that from my husband at home. he does not understand and he refuses to. just thinks it’s me being lazy, crazy, stupid…..sorry to vent but he can be quite obtuse about it. i don’t understand where his disconnect is. that’s why i’m a poor psychologist, though sometimes i think i would have made a pretty good one because i like to listen to people. i care what happens to people, i just could not hack the extremely boring coursework of college. i find that when i post stuff people really listen to me and don’t think i’m a stark raving lunatic or dope because my writing style is much better than my speaking style. When i FINALLY did do my college papers, I got A’s because I was really anal about my paperwork being perfect but I always handed them in late. I wish that would translate to me not being a boob in person.

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[sdwa]

What you described sounds exactly like…ADHD. I have had similar experiences. Time expands and contracts…it’s a major hassle just to get through the day…everything feels chaotic and exhausting. I think a lot of us can end up feeling like we’re failures or inherently just plain weird because we’re not in synch with the rest of the workaday world, and we can’t get ourselves in synch with it no matter what we do, or only in short bursts. One thing I’ve learned is that the Inner Critic who is always berating me for everything I fail to do…is not my friend.

About meds: I think medication is awesome. It can have weird side effects, and might be necessary to experiment with different drugs to find out which one works best for you and/or your kid. I tried 3 or 4 until I got the right drug in the right dosage. Anti-depressants helped me with depression where nothing else ever had, and stimulants helped me with motivation and tuning in and calming down. (I don’t care what your husband’s fears are about medication – you need to do what helps you. If you don’t want to tell him what you’re taking, don’t. He’s got nothing to say about how you choose to take care of yourself – none of his business. With your child, he can have opinion, but for you and your own medical care, no.)

About getting organized: The lack of motivation can put a real damper on the most basic upkeep activities. One thing I’ve found that works is visualization exercises, which they talk about in a book called “4 Weeks to an Organized Life.” I liked the first 10 days the best, now I’m getting kind of hung up on their exercises and following along more loosely. In the first week, though, basically they have you visualize in detail 3 – 5 things that you need to do that day. I found that when I could picture clearly what I needed to get done, like paying a bill, as if I were there doing it, like on a movie screen, with all the scents and sounds imagined as well, I could easily remember to do those activities later, and could do them quickly and more easily than usual.

I tend to get stuck and give up when I’m not sure how to do things, and I guess it’s pretty common with ADHD to not get any sort of mental buzz from accomplishing things, which supposedly “normal” people do get.

One thing I know for sure is no assortment of calendars or planners will ever work for me, no lists or post-its or bulletin boards…because I’m a visual/global thinker, not a linear thinker. Trying to do it the methodical way is like a left-handed person trying to use right-handed scissors. Why do it the hard way?

About the kid stuff: I have a son in 7th grade who also has ADHD. It’s almost impossible to get him to do homework – he doesn’t care about it. No amount of nagging or restriction of activities is going to change that. He needs to be excited and interested, and when he is, he’s unstoppable. I try to support his interests, whatever they are. The school is not much help at all, really. They don’t get it. He also refuses to take his medication because he feels stigmatized by having to take it. He’s easier to be around when he does take it, and I guess he knows I feel that way, so he refuses. He needs to feel there is a benefit to him not to us, after all. I wish there were more resources out there for kids to share their experiences on their own level. Sadly a lot of what’s out there for kids is pretty condescending and clueless.

Dealing with this stuff, for me, anyway, is about learning to let myself be who I am and making it easier to be me, rather than trying to be someone else.

I never knew what to do with my life either, could never figure out a good reason I could stick with, or sense of purpose or direction. I think this is partly due to many external expectations about what I could or should be, which I’ve internalized. What I really want to do is make ugly things pretty and disorganized things logical, which is what I’d naturally be doing if I didn’t feel like I should do something “important.” The distance between the outer expectations and the inner subjective reality is pretty far. I’m trying to learn to be OK with just BEING, not trying to rush around so much trying to justify my existence, not feeling like I should have won a Nobel Peace Prize when I care barely find my socks in the morning. I’m letting myself experiment with it just being OK to take a hot bath, to relax, to find quiet time alone, to take a walk, blow bubbles at the bus stop, and not produce anything…to just let myself breathe, and then when I’m ready if I WANT to do something, I will. Most of what most people do in life is not that monumental, really, anyway.

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[Anonymous]

I have to admit I didn’t make it all the way through the OP but that is because I also have ADD. I can relate to so much of what you’ve posted. I joked for years that I was in my 40’s and didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up. Life is what happens while you are trying to figure this stuff out.

I also was a wife and mother and my life was almost as chaotic as yours but I was made to feel a failure not just by my own shortcomings, but by my then husband. It’s tough to keep up with everything involved with just being a mom and wife, but off and on I also worked a job, actually many different jobs. Plus while I was still married he was gone all the time, leaving it all up to me, dealing with teachers and principals for my ADHD son who was unmedicated and in quite a bit of trouble due to impulse control issues plus my preteen daughter who was acting out, and an older son and a baby.

Since we got divorced and my kids have grown up some more the issues have changed somewhat, but my desire for a real diagnoses for me (was told by my sons dr to look up adult ADD symptoms) is pretty new. I decided that perhaps medication will help and spoke to a dr because I’m tired of having a horrible credit rating due to late fees and mismanagement of my finances/paperwork, and I’m tired of the severe symptoms affecting my ability to do as well at work or even perhaps get a promotion. I’m on Adderall XR and it’s helping but not getting rid of all the symptoms. Maybe I need a stronger pill? Who knows? I’ll be talking to my dr again next week so it could happen.

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[Anonymous]

sdwa & lanakila000, as a woman, it seems like in a really strange way to me that there are more expectations to get thngs done, like a “supermom” these days. unfortunately for my husband, he got the short end of the stick. i don’t think i will ever be that overachieving PTA mom that I envy. they seem to have their sh’t together. you know what happens when i even attempt it? it’s like a novice juggler throwing all his balls into the air in all different directions and then not being able to catch but 2 or 3 if they are lucky. WHEN am i going to GET better?

sdway, you hit it right on the head: One thing I know for sure is no assortment of calendars or planners will ever work for me, no lists or post-its or bulletin boards…because I’m a visual/global thinker, not a linear thinker. Trying to do it the methodical way is like a left-handed person trying to use right-handed scissors. Why do it the hard way? i’m not sure if i am a visual/global thinker myself but if that book helps, i’ll try. i have little scraps of paper everywhere when i try to write things down. it just makes things look more cluttered.

i’m just so tired of myself. i feel like life has just passed me by. my marriage has been strained for a long time now. i’ve known him since i was 21, i am now 40. i don’t know how to motivate myself anymore…. so that is why i am here. to vent and try to better my life and really deal with the little things that have snowballed out of control. i’m at the point where sometimes i just stare at the wall trying to figure it ALL out … most of the time, while frantically trying to vacuum, clean, do laundry, look for work, pay bills, all at once. since i end up just starting and not finishing, it looks even more messier. i end up cleaning the same spots over and over in my house while the rest of the house gets dusty and real dirty. i’m just so disgusted with myself right now.

i’m so nervous about trying to medicate myself. i’m going to do it behind my husbands back because in that end, i have no support. we’re not at the point where we are talking divorce, but i’m finding it harder to just talk to him like a person and communicating is key in marriage. i used to do it better when i was younger but the desire to even speak is just so hard for me because i know he does not , or will not or cannot understand. that’s why it feels like a brick wall. so i figure that if i medicate i can start being more productive, which he will notice and be once again happy, and when i see that he is happy, i will be happy and more inclined to communicate. i DO have the desire to “fix it”, not like I don’t. I will also start doing things more once i feel like i have control of my own life. this sounds like a pipe dream but it’s my next best plan. i don’t know how else to proceed. it’s funny because i can communicate better with people i don’t know than with people i’ve known for years. people that i’ve known for years just openly think that i’m a flake and that kind of hurts because to new people i’m always trying to be a star…. is that insane or what? doesn’t always work because they end up figuring out that i’m a flake or a boob or a moron anyway.

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[munchkin]

I am also 40, married, and just diagnosed with ADD about 4 months ago. My husband was so angry at me for trying to pursue the ADD idea that he kicked me out, and we were separated for the summer. He basically said it was just another one of my wierd obsessions, a complete waste of time, and he was just not interested in going through another B.S. syndrome with me. In the end, he pushed me to get assessed because he said he wasn’t going to be able to deal with me until I saw that I was just being a hypochondriac.

Then – when I gave him an ADD questionaire to fill out on me (from the psychologist) he freaked out. He realized – I was more ADD than ADD. He was in total shock. Now I’m on meds and he says there are far more things it is doing for me than I can ever know. He’s happy. He has no interest in learning the nuts and bolts of it – but, in his own way, he supports me. He gets it that I’m not “being ADD” because I don’t care, or don’t love him, or I’m being selfish. Our marriage is having a new honeymoon phase.

I know what you mean about new friends seeing that you want to be a star, and old friends/family seeing a negative picture. I’ve been around and around with that. Now, for the first time, I’m seeing old friends and family increase their respect for me instead of just decreasing and decreasing. I wonder – maybe I don’t have to keep finding new people and impressing them with my short-term magic tricks. Maybe I can just – – be.

Even if you have to go on meds on your own, without support from anyone, you have us on this forum – we get it… and maybe if your ADD symptoms start to improve, your husband and family will become more interested in what your doing and get behind you on it too. Believe me, when you start getting help for the right problem, the people around you will notice a difference. It’s so much more than just getting caught up with the laundry…

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[billd]

sdwa said >>Time expands and contracts<<

Wanna hear something really funny? Days used to DRAG for me, especially boring days at work, or routine days, even days off where I could not decide from my long list of 100 things to do would drag. I’d be so undecided, so bored, and it would wear me out.

Well, none of that has really changed for me – except the days now seem a lot shorter for some reason. I noticed it since I started adderall. I suddenly realize that the morning has passed SO fast! Never used to happen.

Days drug. Now days go faster, I’m still bored, but the time passes so much faster, it’s more tolerable.

Can’t wait for the next step!

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[Author]

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