Warning…. Super long post!
Alright. I have been debating about posting this or not because this is the kind of post I always feel terrible about posting. Just because I am a paranoid freak.
I was a complete idiot today (I dont understand these things I do) and decided NOT to take my meds once again… Well I took my Prozac and my morning dose… But in the afternoon, the ADD meds were well worn off and I thought since I was kid free and I had alcohol it would be cool to get drunk! I only drink Crown Royal. This will play apart in a question later in this post. I was drunk by 5pm.
Anyways, long story short, as some of you know my sister is now living with me because my parents kicked me out. The plan was, she was to stay with me until I drove her to my grandmas and then she would stay with her. My grandma said no and now shes to live with me until the end of August. At first I was excited. Cool! Her and I can hang out, work out together etc. But at this moment she is making me feel like complete crap. Now I wonder… is this the alcohol talking… is this my PMS… am I just paranoid…. Maybe its a combination of all three (probably is). I have always been a jealous person. Well who isnt a little jealous of people with their spouse. When my husband and I were first going out 7 years ago, I was a horrible, most terrible jealous, possessive girlfriend. I would get mad at him even if he looked in the direction of another girl. However, after I grew up and matured a bit (yeah im still a kid it seems to me at times) I have calmed down and I know that he loves me and I completely trust him. Im not jealous like that anymore. Anyways… back to the point.
When I get home from an evening shift I come home and my sister in on one couch and he is on the other watching movies. No big deal. I dont suspect anything, I completely trust him. Its her I dont trust. I know he would run as fast as he could if she tried anything. At one point this afternoon she commented on how my husband “wont even sit by her” kind of rolling her eyes looking at me knowing that I can be jealous at times. GAH! I just said “yeah well I used to be very jealous, so he is cautious now. But im not like that anymore”. Later on he gets home, cousin and I are playing Black Ops, and my sister says “Hey [my husband] will you take me out driving so I can practice?” And that would mean it would be just her and him because the kids, and I plus them wouldnt all fit. Gosh that ticked me off. Now am I just paranoid???? Then tonight while I was talking with my husband in bed, I told him that I was upset about what she had done and that I swear shes trying to make me jealous and told him about how earlier she said that thing about him not sitting beside her and he said “yeah, I DIDNT want to sit by her, but she said ‘you can sit beside me you know’ but I said ‘ no im sitting over here, your cousin can sit beside you”. My husband is VERY VERY VERY honest. I know hes telling the truth. Why would she say that to him?? They are here alone while im at work, I dont care if they watch a movie.. but we have 3 couches… why does he have to sit by her? He knows better than that too. The part that is frustrating me is, well AM I being paranoid?? Taking things WAY out of context?? I dont want to go up to her and claim shes doing these things and “be the over jealous sister”. Now I really am worried about her staying here. If shes going to be pulling stunts like that… And im away on night shifts.
Not only that… She makes me feel like a horrible wife and mother (now the depression talking) because I have such a hard time keeping my house clean and shes spotless and a neat freak. Maybe I am a horrible mother, because often my son wants me to cuddle in his bed with him, but I really cant take people being in my face… Its suffocates me. I dont even kiss my husband! Well I do, but it was to be quick or I panic. Laying in bed with my son he would be right in my face so I give him my stuffed monkey to cuddle with. Now I feel like a horrible mom! Anyways… So I hear my son talking tonight and I go in there and my sister is in the bed with him (she knows I dont snuggle with him in bed) and I ask whats going on and she says “well he wanted to cuddle and you wouldnt” RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Fine! Shes the better wife because she can keep things tidy and clean!!! Shes the better mom because shes not a stupid idiot like me and can take people in her face. I know I should cuddle with him, and I do in my own bed. I just dont like being on a small bed with him right in my face… I panic… I just cant take it. I guess I am just a horrible crazy person who cant even cuddle with their own son!! 
(((((((((
I was talking to a co-worker and told her I only like to drink Crown Royal and she said whiskey makes her depressed, so maybe thats why I feel like such crap. Maybe it is my PMS…. Probably both and then not taking meds. AHHH! How many times do I have to be a complete idiot and do this to myself! I cant get it through my head!! JUST TAKE YOUR STUPID MEDS THEN YOU WONT BE IN THIS POSITION (well the depressed part). Please tell me im not crazy!!!
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