Name that feeling!

[Anonymous]

I’ve never been on SSRIs, but I was on topamax and later wellbutrin for weight loss before I was diagnosed. Man was that a bad idea. Topamax was like a stupid pill. I remember dropping my blackberry once and I just stared at it on the floor, thinking “I should probably pick that up,” but couldn’t care less if I did. Wellbutrin made me edgy, angry and jerky. My wife and I fought all the time. I did get a lot of the housework done, though.

I’m looking forward to trying stimulants, because those two didn’t work well at all.

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[memzak]

Steffie thanks for the encouragement. I have been in a funk since Sunday, crying almost all the time. I have a lawyer and I haven’t called them yet because I’m scared. I have so many emotions and so many thought and it all piles up. I just got my car back yesterday because my sister offered to pay the impound charge. I got light bulbs and insurance so my car is legal again but this was all done with continuous help. I was frozen. I couldn’t initiate any action on my own.

My daughter’s friend, who has been through hell in her short life, has recognized Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in both me and my daughter because of the prolonged stress we went through for several years. I started to tell her a little bit about the years of continuous stress and verbal abuse from my husband and she started telling be about her father, who is in prison for raping her and fathering her child who was killed in a car accident last year and I felt like I haven’t been through anything like what this girl has been through so why am I so frozen. She keeps going and I am stuck.

I have endured verbal abuse all of my life and a couple of years of being slapped around. Is it because my abuse was more subtle? Someone breaks a bone in your body, you know it’s not your fault that the bone is broken. Someone tells you that you are stupid you start to believe it so you don’t recognize that as abuse. I know this intellectually but it keeps haunting me every time something goes wrong. And lately, every time something goes wrong, it takes me longer and longer to get over it and get moving again. Right now I feel like I am just waiting for the next bad thing to happen.

I’m tired of fighting the world. I might go back to the county mental health place.

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[Anonymous]

memzak, comparing two people’s traumatic experiences is honestly like apples and oranges. A more shocking experience does not invalidate or change how you feel.

Just from reading your various posts, I hope that you do seek some mental health care. You don’t have to fight the world *hugs*

fyi

official diagnosis criteria of PTSD

http://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/pages/dsm-iv-tr-ptsd.asp

In 2000, the American Psychiatric Association revised the PTSD diagnostic criteria in the fourth edition of its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR)(1). The diagnostic criteria (A-F) are specified below.

Diagnostic criteria for PTSD include a history of exposure to a traumatic event meeting two criteria and symptoms from each of three symptom clusters: intrusive recollections, avoidant/numbing symptoms, and hyper-arousal symptoms. A fifth criterion concerns duration of symptoms and a sixth assesses functioning.

Criterion A: stressor

The person has been exposed to a traumatic event in which both of the following have been present:

The person has experienced, witnessed, or been confronted with an event or events that involve actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of oneself or others.

The person’s response involved intense fear,helplessness, or horror. Note: in children, it may be expressed instead by disorganized or agitated behavior.

Criterion B: intrusive recollection

The traumatic event is persistently re-experienced in at least one of the following ways:

Recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the event, including images, thoughts, or perceptions. Note: in young children, repetitive play may occur in which themes or aspects of the trauma are expressed.

Recurrent distressing dreams of the event. Note: in children, there may be frightening dreams without recognizable content

Acting or feeling as if the traumatic event were recurring (includes a sense of reliving the experience, illusions, hallucinations, and dissociative flashback episodes,including those that occur upon awakening or when intoxicated). Note: in children, trauma-specific reenactment may occur.

Intense psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event.

Physiologic reactivity upon exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event

Criterion C: avoidant/numbing

Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma and numbing of general responsiveness (not present before the trauma), as indicated by at least three of the following:

Efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations associated with the trauma

Efforts to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollections of the trauma

Inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma

Markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities

Feeling of detachment or estrangement from others

Restricted range of affect (e.g., unable to have loving feelings)

Sense of foreshortened future (e.g., does not expect to have a career, marriage, children, or a normal life span)

Criterion hyper-arousal

Persistent symptoms of increasing arousal (not present before the trauma), indicated by at least two of the following:

Difficulty falling or staying asleep

Irritability or outbursts of anger

Difficulty concentrating

Hyper-vigilance

Exaggerated startle response

Criterion E: duration

Duration of the disturbance (symptoms in B, C, and D) is more than one month.

Criterion F: functional significance

The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

Specify if:

Acute: if duration of symptoms is less than three months

Chronic: if duration of symptoms is three months or more

Specify if:

With or Without delay onset: Onset of symptoms at least six months after the stressor

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[Carrie]

Oh my! I wasnt depressed or sad at all until I heard this Mem! Thats terrible!! Oh my goodness!! I feel so terrible for you, your family and that girl! Goodness me. *******************HHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSSS*************

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[Anonymous]

Memzak, let me tell you something that my older sister told me years ago that ALWAYS sticks with me. She was in a verbal, emotional and extremely physically abusive relationship for over six years. Countless ER visits, court dates, leaving him only to be harrassed into coming back, it ran the whole gamut. My family watched as my wonderful, beautiful sister became a shell. Finally she was able to break free of him for good! I never really asked her for details because I felt that she had been degraded enough and didn’t need to relive everything for my benefit, but every now and again, she would tell me things that made my skin crawl, but a couple of years ago, we were talking and she said.

“You know, the things that he did to me physically heal. The cuts go away, I can get my teeth fixed. The things that he said to me, the way that he made me FEEL. That’s harder to shake.”

I think of all of the things that most of us here on this site endured because of ADD and ADHD and the way that we were put down and degraded and you wonder, how do most of us brush our teeth every day!!! Do not minimalize ANYTHING that you’ve been through! The abuse and the anticipation of abuse could be enough to send you through the roof.

We all have in our heads that domestic violence is the physical kind, but there are so many types of ways to control another human being that isn’t based in anything positive loving or nuturing. I totally agree with sugargremlin, you should find a counselor, a therapist, someone to help you. I’m sure that your latest experience with your car has done NOTHING for your self esteem or your current mental condition.

I can tell you that my last ‘legal situation’ with my car was a doozy that required me to borrow quite a bit of money from friends to get back on my feet, and yes, it sucked and made me feel worthless, but I remembered what a blessing it is that people are willing to help you and even if I couldn’t do the same thing for someone financially, I could pay it forward in other ways. It sounds completely new agey but it’s what keeps me going when the World wants to suffocate me.

Call the lawyer, get the information, go to the court dates and go from there. I spent the better part of six months dealing with my traffic citation (not a DUI, but man with the time and energy I put into it, you’d think that it was) I learned that NOTHING is as bad as yo make it in your head, but the attorney is there to guide you through the process. If I had not retained an attorney, my situation would have been much worse.

Keep us posted

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[Carrie]

Warning…. Super long post!

Alright. I have been debating about posting this or not because this is the kind of post I always feel terrible about posting. Just because I am a paranoid freak.

I was a complete idiot today (I dont understand these things I do) and decided NOT to take my meds once again… Well I took my Prozac and my morning dose… But in the afternoon, the ADD meds were well worn off and I thought since I was kid free and I had alcohol it would be cool to get drunk! I only drink Crown Royal. This will play apart in a question later in this post. I was drunk by 5pm.

Anyways, long story short, as some of you know my sister is now living with me because my parents kicked me out. The plan was, she was to stay with me until I drove her to my grandmas and then she would stay with her. My grandma said no and now shes to live with me until the end of August. At first I was excited. Cool! Her and I can hang out, work out together etc. But at this moment she is making me feel like complete crap. Now I wonder… is this the alcohol talking… is this my PMS… am I just paranoid…. Maybe its a combination of all three (probably is). I have always been a jealous person. Well who isnt a little jealous of people with their spouse. When my husband and I were first going out 7 years ago, I was a horrible, most terrible jealous, possessive girlfriend. I would get mad at him even if he looked in the direction of another girl. However, after I grew up and matured a bit (yeah im still a kid it seems to me at times) I have calmed down and I know that he loves me and I completely trust him. Im not jealous like that anymore. Anyways… back to the point.

When I get home from an evening shift I come home and my sister in on one couch and he is on the other watching movies. No big deal. I dont suspect anything, I completely trust him. Its her I dont trust. I know he would run as fast as he could if she tried anything. At one point this afternoon she commented on how my husband “wont even sit by her” kind of rolling her eyes looking at me knowing that I can be jealous at times. GAH! I just said “yeah well I used to be very jealous, so he is cautious now. But im not like that anymore”. Later on he gets home, cousin and I are playing Black Ops, and my sister says “Hey [my husband] will you take me out driving so I can practice?” And that would mean it would be just her and him because the kids, and I plus them wouldnt all fit. Gosh that ticked me off. Now am I just paranoid???? Then tonight while I was talking with my husband in bed, I told him that I was upset about what she had done and that I swear shes trying to make me jealous and told him about how earlier she said that thing about him not sitting beside her and he said “yeah, I DIDNT want to sit by her, but she said ‘you can sit beside me you know’ but I said ‘ no im sitting over here, your cousin can sit beside you”. My husband is VERY VERY VERY honest. I know hes telling the truth. Why would she say that to him?? They are here alone while im at work, I dont care if they watch a movie.. but we have 3 couches… why does he have to sit by her? He knows better than that too. The part that is frustrating me is, well AM I being paranoid?? Taking things WAY out of context?? I dont want to go up to her and claim shes doing these things and “be the over jealous sister”. Now I really am worried about her staying here. If shes going to be pulling stunts like that… And im away on night shifts.

Not only that… She makes me feel like a horrible wife and mother (now the depression talking) because I have such a hard time keeping my house clean and shes spotless and a neat freak. Maybe I am a horrible mother, because often my son wants me to cuddle in his bed with him, but I really cant take people being in my face… Its suffocates me. I dont even kiss my husband! Well I do, but it was to be quick or I panic. Laying in bed with my son he would be right in my face so I give him my stuffed monkey to cuddle with. Now I feel like a horrible mom! Anyways… So I hear my son talking tonight and I go in there and my sister is in the bed with him (she knows I dont snuggle with him in bed) and I ask whats going on and she says “well he wanted to cuddle and you wouldnt” RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Fine! Shes the better wife because she can keep things tidy and clean!!! Shes the better mom because shes not a stupid idiot like me and can take people in her face. I know I should cuddle with him, and I do in my own bed. I just dont like being on a small bed with him right in my face… I panic… I just cant take it. I guess I am just a horrible crazy person who cant even cuddle with their own son!! (((((((((

I was talking to a co-worker and told her I only like to drink Crown Royal and she said whiskey makes her depressed, so maybe thats why I feel like such crap. Maybe it is my PMS…. Probably both and then not taking meds. AHHH! How many times do I have to be a complete idiot and do this to myself! I cant get it through my head!! JUST TAKE YOUR STUPID MEDS THEN YOU WONT BE IN THIS POSITION (well the depressed part). Please tell me im not crazy!!!

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[Carrie]

Sorry typo. My patents didnt kick ME out. They kicked HER out of their house.

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[Anonymous]

Carrie:

A couple things:

• Crown Royal is great–I’m a fan of McCallan. I do feel more, let’s say “reflective” when I drink scotch, so you’re not alone there.
• The tactile thing is something that comes with ADD. For a long time, I thought I was a bad husband because I couldn’t sleep touching my wife. Her hair would irritate me, or my skin would get clammy. I wanted to scream and she took it personally. Now that we know it’s my ADD, we take it in short bursts. Growing up, my family wasn’t big on the touching, but we all loved each other a lot–I think more than most families–and we knew it. Physical touch is important, but it’s how you treat people that matters more.
• sounds like you crafted a perfect storm for yourself there. You probably know this already, but stay on the meds and off the sauce, and this stuff will be easier to handle.
• Just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean you’re wrong. I don’t know her, but your sister may be looking to corrupt your husband, or she may just be lonely and need attention. If your folks were ADD and she isn’t, she may have grown up without physical contact and takes it personally when people don’t sit close to her. Or she may be a drama queen and like causing problems. You can kick her out of your house, you can ignore her, you can forgive her, but you cannot control what she does. You can only control how you deal with it.

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[Carrie]

Thanks Pete

The drinking was really fun. It was great to blow off some steam until I became paranoid, then depressed at the end. Bleh. I will DEFINITELY ALWAYS now take my meds, even if I dont feel like it. They kill that “itch”. *le sigh*

I didnt know about the tactile thing and ADD. Its just the same to me as being in a car without at least one window cracked open. I NEED AIR! That makes me feel a bit better. I just cant stand someone elses “air” and “heat” in my space. Not to mention how soft and gentle my son will touch my arm. I rather be pinched or slapped then have a gentle touch! Sounds odd, but I can’t take it. Oh!! That makes sense with me hating the feeling of my own hair on me when I shower… You know how we lose hair… I spend all my time picking my hair off me hahahaha

With my sis… I feel bad kicking her out. She is an adult yes, but she can’t drive, she doesnt have a job, nothing. My parents dont want her back there, and she does help out a lot, but at times yes… she can be more irritating than not. I understand shes not my responsibility, but shes my sister! Last night after posting this, my husband and I talked about it. How I felt she was trying to make me jealous, but I feel horrible about kicking her out on those terms, when I dont know her motives, and it could just be paranoia. He knows I trust him, so we agreed that when im not home hes just going to stay away from her and do his own thing with out making a big scene about it. I really am looking forward to her being here because shes my workout buddy, but i seems she doesnt understand the whole PERSONAL SPACE thing. I know my own insecurities come into play as well about not being able to be as organized as she is etc.

I have now made the choice to lay off the alcohol, I think thats what made me depressed and blow things up. Stay on the meds, and give her another chance. In the meantime, working on my own short comings… and think on what I value in life and want from it.

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[Anonymous]

I used to stop and start my meds for bipolar disorder CONSTANTLY! Sometimes it was due to cost (before my ‘candies’ went generic it was upwards of 50 bucks a month) mostly it was because I had trouble dealing with the fact that that I had to rely on meds to feel normal. Not realizing at that point that I was relying on chemicals (the caffeine because I was addicted to my mania and booze to ‘simmer down) in order to feel normal. I explained to my doc my ‘noncompliance’, and when I explained that I stopped taking the meds when I felt better, he said “What happens when you stop?” I said “after a while I feel…” he cut me off “You feel like sh*$”. Exactly

This is what I tell myself. I sought out help for a reason. I went to a professional for a reason, I needed help, this professional gave me something to help me. I’m only hurting MYSELF by not taking the meds. The thoughts and feelings that you are experiencing are so familiar to me they all came in leaps and bounds whenever I didn’t take my meds, and they would get progressively worse. Now, I am a believer. TAKE YOUR MEDS!!!

As far as your sister goes, it sounds like you have a loving and honest husband and a son who loves you dearly, unless your sister roofies him or puts a spell on him, I don’t see how he going to fall victim to her charms. It sounds like both of you act on a feeling of insecurity and low self esteem. It’s like a tennis match, she serves, you volley. It’s hard with siblings and having 2 sisters myself, I know the insecurity and doubt and yes, absolute paranoia that comes with the competition of sisters. Your sister is clearly going through her own ‘stuff’ living with other people, no home of her own. It sounds like she’s trying to make herself feel better. Perhaps she is using this need for attention the same way you use alcohol. We all have our ‘coping mechanisms’ and not many of them are healthy!

I don’t know if you’ve heard of Byron Katie, but she wrote a book called “Loving What Is” and “Who Would You Be Without Your Story” and she kind of teaches you how to break down your negative thoughts by asking yourself 4 questions about the situation and turning it around. She calls it “The Work” It’s a process getting used to doing it truly is ‘work’, but I got the books from a friend of mine when I was going through a particularly difficult time with my ‘new’ step family and just reading it did wonders for me. I had to change my thinking to save myself and it has helped every aspect of my life. Sometimes are minds are indeed our worst enemy.

But first and formost…STAY ON YOUR MEDS!!!

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[Anonymous]

@Carrie I read about tactile sensitivity in Kelly & Ramundo (http://www.amazon.com/You-Mean-Lazy-Stupid-Crazy/dp/product-description/0743264487)–they were in the ADD and Loving It film.

All I could find online was this about childhood ADHD:

http://addadhdadvances.com/touch.html

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[Carrie]

You are exactly right. I dont want to have to rely on meds to be “normal”. Its just the ADD meds I have this resistance too. I guess I am still in some denial about it. With the PMDD, thats pretty much night and day. I am astounded by the difference! The ADD meds… Well… Meds dont teach habits… But now I do understand this “itch” and that the meds curb it completely. I will take the darn meds! Thats a promise!

Yes, my husband is very honest and loving, same with my son, and I also have a daughter You are exactly right about the insecurity and low self-esteems and sisterly competition! hahaha She one of my best friends but at the same time, yeah… There is that stupid feeling of competition. I HATE it! It makes me feel so childish, and then angry because gosh to play those childish games and whoop her, but its just not right. So frustrating! Yes she is going through things. Seeing my PMDD and now knowing what it is… I know she has it, but hers, if you can believe it, is worse than mine. Her depression part is worse anyways. Mine is the “rage” as I call it, which makes me be verbally abusive towards my poor husband and throw things for no reason… anyways, you know what it is! haha Yes, she does act out for attention. Many times in our talks she has told me “You get whatever you want! People like you! No one ever likes me!” and has told me she is jealous of how I have a family, a house and put myself through school, and how I do get along with so many people. Many times I have tried helping her, I support and encourage her, but she has to be willing to step out (if that makes sense). She thinks that I just do all these things with ease. Ive told her time and time again. Its not easy, and wasnt easy for me! Honestly, in life what is easy?? Goodness.

Sheesh, I have rewrote, that paragraph a million times due to all my trail offs, and still trailed off! I really need to change that! Once again, yes you are right! I dont know Byron Katie, but one of my main “issues” at the moment is Who am I? What drives me? What are my values? I guess im just at that age… Thinking about all my insecurities… And I know what the big one is and I havent even mentioned it here, because it does hurt and is an embarrassment to me, when really, its not such a big deal. Like all things, I play the ignore it game. If I ignore it, it doesnt exist! Right? hahaha I guess if I just face it, like the ADD, I then can overcome it!

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[Carrie]

Pete – Oh ive been meaning to buy that book! Thanks! I dont know if im touch sensitive. Clothes dont bother me at all. I just dont like repetitive motions in the same spot ie. My grandma used to pet my hair, but if she only did it in the same spot it would drive me nuts! I dont like to be touched in a gentle manner… My son will come up and grab my arm and run his hands up and down it while talking to me at times, but his hands are so soft and its so gentle, it hurts! Its an intense tickle! I cant take it! My hands… When I worked as a cook, I would wear gloves when dealing with cheese, broccoli, meat… I dont like the feel of it on my hands. I dont like the feel of alot of things on my hands. I dont like the feel of my bare feet on a smooth pavement floor with dust, or dirt.

As for personal space. I dont like warm air. Example… Once again my son (poor guy) when he jumps up to give me a hug he puts his face right in mine. It robs me of my own air! Just that warm, moist… bleh! I feel bad for my son because he is so touchy and cuddly. Im not like that. I cant do it. I feel bad for my husband too because he loves to kiss, but I just cant take it. Perhaps I can force myself to just suck it up and do it! Their feelings being hurt due to my own weird problems is not worth it!

I am proud of myself however for adjusting the volume on my stereo to 26! With numbers, I always have to have them ending in 2, 5, 8, or 0. Like volumes. It was at 25, but I put it at 26 and left it! I know that sounds weird… But I am a little obsessive about that. Always making sure they end in 2, 5, 8 and 0. I thought that was silly, so now am forcing myself to change it.

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[Anonymous]

agreeing with a lot of the above. She may be pressing your buttons..either intentionally or not. and loved ones can press those buttons better than anyone else.

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[Carrie]

Thats for sure! Well I know shes PMSing right now. Thank goodness for this Prozac or there would be a war. Two of us with PMDD in the same house? That spells disaster! hahahaha

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[Author]

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