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Re: Now I'm just mad

Re: Now I'm just mad2012-09-29T03:14:05+00:00

Post count: 14413

I am going to be 71 next month. At 50, when once again I got bored with my attempt to get a degree, I dropped out…and quickly got a call from an instructor who actually was the head of the L.D. Dept. She told me if I didn’t come to finalize my testing, she was going to come get me and that so intrigued me, I returned and finalized my tests. Those tests told me about my HIGH I.Q., which at first I disputed, but was quickly knocked to my knees when she told me I had ADD. Children had it I responded and was told, and children grow UP with it. I told my therapist that at that moment, I had the sensation of unzipping myself and who I really was, stepped out. I read, researched and finally started taking Ritalin…dramatic changes ensued. The response earlier from the law student (I don’t remember names…another ADD symptom), about expecting everything to be ok now was my own. I thought now that I have the answer, I’m going to be ok…and OK to some degree did happen. But OK all the time, even now, is a struggle. Working for someone is hell, like right now. Except, I went to work in 1992 for a company introducing a great new product, and since I am a terrific sales person (not hard core), I took that garment to heights they never believed would happen…as the product began to “take off”, I was given carte blanche and just on this product, their company made millions. Unfortunately they dumped me 9 years ago, stole several million dollars I have never been able to retrieve and fell back into depression. I also put on the over 50 pounds I lost. Today, this nightmare job I have has the same demon ears many of my previous jobs had…I don’t understand what the heck I’m supposed to do, I don’t understand what they are talking about and I feel stupid all over again. I am divorced many years…couldn’t even pick out the right guy…but when I’m the boss of my own business, MONEY FLOWS. I want to quit this job…today especially since everything was just upsidedown today…even got threatened with the loss of my job. I have attempted to explain I HAVE ADHD and this Company actually has meeting talking about the different ways to learn but, they don’t practice what they preach. I feel they threw me into the middle of the Ocean, expected me to quickly find land, and are outraged I’m still trying to find it. I have been probably much more successful in my life than I admit to but I want so much more, even at this age. I presume you all know that “we” are 30-40% less mental age than chronological age…I discovered that years ago when “on the road”, I attended a Russell Barkley seminar which once I heard that statement, answered the wondering why people always told me I was naive. So being 71, I’m really mentally 50…and am still thankfully healthy and strong and WANT with all my heart, to be the success I want. My ex was absolutely “ADHD”…what a mess he was and how shocked I was to years later, find out that was what was going on with him. I also just stopped dating, making friends because I didn’t understand what people meant…it’s called “social anxiety” and at this time in my life I’m very disappointed I didn’t have the babies I wanted or the family dinners I dreamed of…I’m also right now rambling because it was such a horrific day today I just want to “run away” but, there aren’t the jobs and anyhow, why bother looking for a job when I wind up in the same mess, job after job UNLESS, it’s MY business and I’m fully in control. Used to have a wedding and party cake business and I made over $82,000 out of my home in Los Angeles. Here in Houston, even though they have a new Texas Cottage Food Law, and we can bake at home, there are so many stipulations like NO ADVERTISING, NO MARKETING TO RESTAURANTS, NO USE OF PERISHABLES…and the list goes on and on, it isn’t worth it to try. BUT, like ALL of us with ADD/ADHD, I am very talented and, last year during my birthday week (October 20th), I took a quilting class and since I’ve been sewing since I was 6, and had a very successful cake business because of my personal artistic touches (baking, decorating, floral training), its showing up making quilts plus I want to make purses. I lost over $3,000,000 to that company I mentioned earlier, which was initially supposed to pay for the cake shop I wanted so the ongoing disappointment of that financial loss would have been a nice way to start over. If I walk away from this job right now, with the uncertain economy, I’d be hurting myself…I’m not for collecting unemployment but wish today when my boss admonished me and told me either to get better or I’d be demoted a 2nd time, you all must understand my utter frustration and WISH he had fired me so I could be one of those who would look like “I’m taking rather than giving to my Country”. This though, is all part of the life I’ve lived with a phenomena I had no clue about and still am confused about today. Every time I go UP, eventually, it falls apart and now, it isn’t even a big surprise when that happens. I don’t live near my family either…they are embarrassed. They have told me everyone “has it”…or many loose things…how many of YOU, are in one part of your home, suddenly remember something and wind up somewhere else…ME. I also am not a reader although I read very well. If it isn’t on tape/CD, forget it. RARE that I read a book yet, I’m articulate and “well read”…my vocabulary is astounding especially to me…and people I work with, who ask questions about my past are stunned that I’ve had that kind of life when I personally, don’t think I’ve done much or had much. I really don’t want to go on meds again…may have to, to keep this job UNTIL, God Willing, this Country gets back on its feet financially and at my age, which scares the living H out of me, I pray I still have a nice, healthy, happy and hopefully prosperous future. OK everyone, I’m not even going to read this…as I said I’m ranting from the frustration of the day plus other things that have happened over a few months and felt this writing would help me, and hopefully others would see something that would turn on a light to help.