Now I'm just mad

[Zandra]

About 3 months ago, at age 38, while finishing my second year of law school, I found out I’d had ADD all my life. It was one week before final exams for which I had done very little preparation at that point. It seemed like a crazy thing to be discovering at that point in my life, but it all made sense, with some refection.

I started on Adderall, felt an IMMEDIATE difference, and spun into work mode. I prepared for my finals in the last week and managed to do well enough that I at least didn’t remove myself from the honor roll. I was cleaning my house, preparing for my June wedding (which was fantastic), and generally getting things done. Awesome, right? It turns out that there was a REASON for all of the crappy things I’ve ever hated about myself, and the failures as well. I admit, I may have gotten a bit pie-in-the-sky about it.

So now, fast forward by one semester. I’m at the same point in the term now as I was last term at the time I started treatment. I’m pissed. I’m not better, maybe I’m worse, I don’t know. I forget to take my meds on a fairly regular basis (maybe 25% of the doses). I am once again unprepared for my exams. I’m certain I can still pull off something reasonably respectable because, well, that’s how I’ve always done it and as long as I’m able to make that last push I can almost always come up with a result that is better than average, if not my best work.

I think I might have gotten caught up in some kind of ADD pink cloud. It was as if having this explanation for why every report card going back to kindergarten (all of which I recently had the pleasure of reviewing) talked about my intelligence, my potential, and constant complaints that I simply wouldn’t do my work unless it particularly interested me. I think that I thought that knowing the “root of the problem” would mean the problem would disappear, like some sort of Scooby-Doo villain. Once those meddling kids identify the creepy bald guy in the control room, the ghost disappears. Everyone has a good chuckle and the uniformed police haul the creepy guy off to jail.

So, what now? I exposed the creepy guy! Take him away!

It turns out that yanking aside the curtain doesn’t take the creepy ADD guy away. I may have learned his name, but he’s still living in my head, spinning knobs and cackling. It’s crap.

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[ipsofacto]

From my own experience I think there are a couple of important things you may have missed from the description above. The first might be a co-morbidity; mine is anxiety. My ADD symptoms are much worse if I am anxious. I deal with anxiety by regularly practicing relaxation response techniques. the second and maybe more important thing for me is to change the way my brain works. I use mindfulness. Even ummedicated, I am sharper, my memory is better, and I have a better perspective on what needs to be done. I know that meds alone would not make me the person I would like to be.

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[shutterbug55]

Hello Zandra,

I was about to talk about co-morbidity as well. Mine is Dyslexia. Throw in a few neurosis acquired through 56 years of living with ADD without knowing it as well. Adderall works on almost all of my top 4 symptoms of ADD, attention, focus both the inability to focus and hyper-focus, working memory, and outbursts due to frustrations.

When I started this whole thing, the psychiatrist had a list of drugs used in the treatment, but no list of councilors, discussion groups, therapists, or other resources to deal with this thing called Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. So, she loaded me up with pills to take twice a day, for the rest of my life. By the way… come back for prescriptions every two months.

I did not want to just pop pills and call myself “treated” and go on with my life. I read books, talk to fellow “sufferers”, and I see a therapist/ coach. I find the drugs reduce the symptoms to a level that allows me to use coping mechanisms I learn from my coach and the books. I am in the process of altering my behaviors and reactions to the world around me.

Is there a message in here? In keeping with my non advise, advise, drugs and therapy help me a great deal. Will it work for you? Only you can answer that.

Has this made my life one of blissful happiness? FAR from it. I am finding that I was not put on this earth to coast or to exist in a state of happiness. I struggle for the things I have and the things I want to do. I have found I am happy more often. I experience this thing I call “peace” every once in a while as well. That is where I can just look out across the fields and enjoy the stars or the moon.

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[trashman]

Well said, Sutterbug55!!

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[nellie]

Zandra,

I can relate to your experience but to make a long story short you might consider the issue of habits. The meds make us better able able to concentrate, focus etc but that is not the only key.to success in life. In order to get things done we need to have organizational skills and that isn’t something we instantly acquire with an ability to focus. If this was the case, then coffee would have been sufficient.

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[Zandra]

I certainly have some co-morbidities. I’ve been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder for pretty much my entire adult life. I believe that some of the symptoms that have always been attributed to the MDD may actually stem from the ADD, and I suppose I was hoping that it might be a higher percentage than it may actually be, since I’ve only had moderate improvement from anti-depressants. The anti-depressants helped a lot with the mood aspects, but I was still losing a lot of time to random napping and inability to focus.

I suppose that some kind of therapy is in order, even though a part of me thinks that I should be able to reason through it without assistance.

Ipsofacto (great name!), I hear what you are saying about mindfulness. It’s strange, but what I now recognize as coping methods that have developed over a lifetime, seem to now be absent, or less effective. I sometimes feel like the meds make me more alert, but seriously compromise my short term memory. I suspect my spouse is ready to kill me, because I have lost checks, money, keys to things, pretty much anything important. I often lose track of what day it is, causing me to miss things. I skipped class the other night solely because I forgot. In a program with attendance requirements, that’s pretty sketchy.

I try to keep the schedule stuff under control using devices with alerts and reminders, but I sometimes miss them, and nothing’s going to help if I don’t actually enter an appointment right at the time I make it. During the conversation, I feel like that particular event, whatever it may be, is so important that I OBVIOUSLY won’t forget about it, or that I’ll enter it into my calendar later, when I have some time. Oddly, I either never get that time, or if I do, I’ve long since forgotten whatever it is that I had agreed to do. As I’m writing this, it seems to me that the devices may be an attempt to replace mindfulness, since that isn’t a skill set of mine, apparently. Maybe there’s a way to use both.

I’m not really mad anymore today, but thanks for taking on my little rant. I’m a work in progress.

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[Amy]

I always felt like this:

http://acatwithadhd.com/now-what/

Good luck! After the initial “wow, this is unbelievable!” phase after first starting meds, I slipped back into old habits and went through a period of anger. I still get angry and frustrated at my ADHD when it seems like things are harder for me than other people. I have to tell myself that on the other hand, some things are easier for me compared to someone else. Everybody’s different and everybody tries to find ways to get through the day.

Amy

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[Rick Green – Founder of TotallyADD]

The one thing that stood out for me in what you wrote Zandra is that you want the creepy guy in your head to go away.

He doesn’t. Not quickly. But he fades when you replace him with something better. Which takes time.

And of course, we’re impatient. We want it now. Fast. A pill. Sigh. Building habits requires… regular practice… as in being habitual. It’s a viscious circle and I keep walking around it!

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[Tiddler]

Rick’s right. I’m trying to stop trying to get rid of the ADD and working with it instead. So I’m impulsive – I work with that by being flexible with my schedule. I try to contain it by having a budget and some routines. I motor-mouth all my inner thoughts and secrets, so I choose my friends carefully and I let myself speak freely. I never got the laundry done so I picked up some other chores and my husband does all the laundry.

In other words, it’s here and there’s not a damn thing I can do about that, but I am learning to push with it instead of against it.

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[Anonymous]

Hey Tid……sounds like your finding your path and, that works for you…that’s soooooo…….cool. Actually it is no surprise that somebody as insightful and cerebral as yourself would find “the key”.

I agree totally, we can no more become “Linear People”……than they can chose to become “Random/Visionary” people…..we are different…..PERIOD!!! We resemble each other in many ways, particularly physical…..two eyes, two ears a mouth etc etc….we even walk up-right and speak a language that we both can understand (mostly)…..so yes, physically we appear the same… but that is where it ends. Our perception, information intake, storage and retrieval process(s) vision, insight…..are completely different. What we see, that which we take in, and understand intuitively are completely and absolutely different…not wrong or bad, just different!!! Truth is….they can never do much of what we do….just as we can never do much of what they do……we have completely different functions and make-up….we just physically look similar.

It is my position that once I understood and accepted the difference, that we only resemble each other, and…..really understood what it was that separated us from them, and accepted and learned to accommodate their reality and their brain process……life became more of a breeze. Not that I tried to be them, for me, that will never happen…..nor did I try make them understand who I am, they can’t……….but more more to the point, I needed to understand what it was they needed…..and how to present myself, my thoughts and visions in a manner they could comfortably accept and comprehend …..then……it all made sooooo much sense, and became soooo easy.

It is also my contention that we are riddled with so much anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem and the reason or root cause of why we choose alcohol drug use so often is because….we are so far out of sync with the Linear World…and we are pushed, chided and berated from our tender years to BE JUST LIKE THEM……and never ever will, or can be. In the process many of us lose who were are, we become fractured…and miss those things….those wonderful things that we bring to the table….for me that is key….. some do find it…..those that do for one reason or another….often become elevated and end up becoming world/social changers……and do things that the Linear World can only marvel at.

Find the documentary “Journey into Dyslexia”…..an HBO Documentary…..it’s on the net, I think you will love it . Many folks with dyslexia reading skills are also prone to ADD brain processing……..you will be amazed. It is a wonderful look into to who many of us are.

So Tid…..you are who you are…..and that is more than enough!!!!

Toofat

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[Tiddler]

Great post, toofat. And thanks! It’s quite a journey we’re all on!

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[Wgreen]

I want to weigh in on behalf of non-ADDers.

We’ve had this conversation before: linear v. random/circuitous. “Linear” is catchy, but what exactly does it mean? Are we to assume that non-ADDers have no talent for innovative thinking? And that all we ADDers do? Why would we say that? I’ve known plenty of very creative people who show no obvious signs of ADD. No less than Thomas Edison once famously said, “Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.” That, I think, is very instructive. Sure, you need a bright idea, but you also need to be able to develop it. My guess is that there are far more non-ADD “do-ers” who have impressive imaginations out there than “random” ADDers who can persevere long enough to work up a sweat. Where does creativity without persistence leave us?

Although researchers like Russell Barkley reject the assertion that ADD confers any special talents, I’m inclined to think TooFat does have a point. ADDers I know—and I know a few—do seem to possess a facility to spot interesting patterns and connect dots. I can’t prove it, but it rings true. Moreover, the experience of other forum members here would seem to support that theory. But I think it’s important to understand we’re not the ONLY ones with a spark. And while our minds may be adept at thinking horizontally, I’m not sure it always compensates for an inability to persevere and think “vertically” (concentrate).

In any event, it seems to me just a bit disingenuous to suggest that impulsive, sometimes irresponsible, occasionally dangerously distracted behavior is just “different.” I don’t know of any ADD guru, not even the great champion of the gift camp Ned Hallowell, who would suggest that ADD isn’t potentially bad business if not somehow mitigated.

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[Tiddler]

Journey into dyslexia is on you tube in 6 parts. I highly recommend it. What came across strongly was that the worst part of each person’s dyslexia seemed to be not their struggle with reading and writing but being trapped in an education system that not only didn’t cater for them but actively seemed to ‘destroy’ some of them and their refusal to let it break them completely is perhaps what has made them successful, which is demonstrated by several studies including the Kauffman Foundation findings that entreprenaurs have a high incidence of dyslexia. They also point out that there is a high incidence of ADHD in this particular field and there is a high incidence of co-occurance between ADHD and dyslexia.

So, for me, the message is that we are getting it seriously wrong with our learning different kids. And that the bulk of our problem is and always has been other people’s attitudes towards us. Yes, there are dangers and difficulties that come with ADHD. No-one has to take pills for a ‘gift’. But would I have had to fight anxiety, OCD, bulemia, depression if I’d been treated with respect and acceptance? I doubt it.

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[Zandra]

I should think that a “spark” exists in all sorts of people, some of whom have what it takes to carry through and others who don’t. I’ll even concede that folks who have a more linear way of thinking may have an easier time executing ideas.

It seems to me that accepting that the way I view and approach things is different is an excellent start for not being miserable, but it can’t stop with that. The fact is, society is developed around the linear thinkers. I don’t have to become that, but I do have to operate within that society. There has to be a balance between self-acceptance and making certain adjustments to make it in the existing world.

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[Anonymous]

YES YES YES…….Tid that has always been my point, albeit poorly executed by me I’m sure. Truth…dyslexia as well as ADD, ADHD…..DO NOT fall within the acceptable “Range” of the rigid stereo-typical left hemisphere/frontal lobe processing spectrum. If an individual does not fall within that tight rigid spectrum, or close to it….. they are labeled for convenience….”disabled’……and really many of us are not, we don’t all have a learning disability….for many, our problems are with a teaching disabilities. Society does not understand, they have no capability (often) to see beyond the “STANDARDIZED RANGE”…….and a standardized learning/communication format.

The fact is…..the brain is capable of so many different paths, modes, and with those permutations and combinations comes so many different perspectives, collection, and retrieval modes that are outside of the NARROW range of acceptance that it is frightening, staggering actually. Even now, if I could speak rather than type, write…..it would be much easier for me to communicate and share my thoughts, but…. I am a prime example, I never finished my Psych Degree because of it…..I struggled to communicate with the written word, as I do here, there is so much going on…. I feel even now, I am fumbling my thoughts terribly. I would “wow” my profs in class, they were astounded and yet every time I turned in a paper, wrote an exam….they were terribly disappointed…they expected so much more……and yes, my work was passable….70’s and 80’s…but it was a horrible struggle to get that, which fell so so short of my knowledge, understanding and verbal performance. Fact is, I would start writing my papers, the first week of class and handed them in last day, late, under the profs door. for a medium grade….it was painful. I’m not a good writer…..so what…..I could out think and verbalize like nobody else…but that is not the standard measure is it????

So, yes….’learning different’…… and there are so many other differences it is astounding! The problems as I see it (simplified)….is it is so much simpler/comfortable to label and discard…..when really in many instances the system is disabled and we are missing entire groups of brilliant minds, whose see different patterns, have different intelligence, perceive the world in a very different way……it is a terrible shame!!! Now impose that narrow thinking on a child in their very very early formative development years……tell them again and again and again….they just need to try harder….tell their parents they a disabled….tell their peer group they don’t belong….tell them they are learning challenged…send them away to the isolation of “Special Needs’…..what is likely the outcome…….just what we have.

I’m just mad??? I guess maybe, sorta……but more to the point is I feel very distraught or frustrated with narrow thinking….even here people seem to desire to be legally labeled, they want a “legal” disorder definition…..many appear to want to have verification that they are “disabled’ for accommodation!!! Well damn it….I believe before that happens there is an educational process of Linear people that needs to happen First!!! Why the hell do some of our finest minds have to struggle and struggle beyond anybody else’s struggle????

Wg……your quite often stimulating (for me anyway, thanks) but…….well. I reject Barkely…….and I reject the Barkely-type thinking that says just because we haven’t mastered some things that the Linear world does with ease……that we are broken!!! This is their game….their environment….their standards and their rules…..and their labels. Remember, it was not so long ago that here in N. American an entire race of people was labeled and labeled horribly….as moronic, incapable of complex thought…..thought to be fit only as draft animals. It was common thinking…. validated, and supported learned people in society. Even India today the Caste system places people as the exalted ones and others as dirty, the lowest caste……and movement from caste to caste is near impossible. So thinking “du jour” or the majority, pulls no weight with me…… it actually makes me question it!!! Historically…..accepted thinking of the day has proved time and time again to be false……and faulty at best. There really is so much under the sun that we don’t understand…..and we continually are amazed, astounded at how rudimentary our thinking in hindsight was/is….what were once universal truths….embedded beliefs fall by the way side. Ignorance….is rampant, and can be cruel and harsh…….it’s nobodies fault, we as a species are infantile at ruling this planet…….but remember, the only thing that can change that are people.

or sumpthin’ like that…….

Toofat

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