maybe instead of a manager and an underling you need a management *team*. maybe explain to your wife that the dynamic of someone being in charge and someone else not being responsible isn’t working for you, acknowledge your part in it not succeeding, and ask if you could start sitting down together and working out whats important to each partner, who is best in a position to undertake specific tasks, start making joint decisions on things, putting plans in place, and working *together* with equal loads, the right person for the right job, and decent rewards for getting the house tidy, etc- with everyone being accountable to themselves. not being responsible is about as helpful for her as nagging and getting wound up is for you- and that whole setup is just asking for fans and having things that sound like ships but smell more stinky frequently hitting them.
that said… she’s probably right- the kitchen is extremely unlikely to ever get tidy, and stay tidy for more than 5 minutes- because its used all the time, and she sounds like me- messy as hell. that might just be how it is. to continue your workplace theme- a smart boss sees their staffs strengths and weaknesses, then delegates jobs and responsibilities, and encourages growth and the development of a positive team dynamic accordingly- he doesn’t try and get a bubbly, enthusiastic, scatterbrained and creative people-person to do the accounts and bookkeeping, cos she will inevitably screw it up time and time again, until she gets fired or quits from the stress- when it becomes apparent that she’s sucking at the math he doesn’t try and teach her advanced accounting skills or send her on training courses called ‘book keeping for dummies’, he puts her into roles where she’ll thrive and makes the most of her strengths, delegating the books to someone with a head for numbers and the organisation skills to match. 
there is absolutely no point in expecting her or wanting her to be something she’s not (tidy in the kitchen), especially if it doesn’t matter that much to her- cos it aint gonna happen. so you’ll have to find another way to make it work for you both- at a level you can both cope with sustaining- either sort out a kitchen rota and work together on it, or agree that you’ll be responsible for after dinner cleanup and putting groceries away without grumbling about the chaos you’re walking into, while she does menu planning and works on something else thats more interesting/important/realistically acheivable for her that your ok with not being done ‘tidily’, so long as its done (like phoning your mum? ), etc. that, or decide if its really worth the effort and upset to try and change.
another issue might actually be in how assertively you’re handling things. my dad is a tidy freak (one who has this expectation of magical tidiness occuring all around him, yet never sees his part in the making of the mess- despite spilling instant coffee and water everywhere 10 times a day and leaving a trail of general mess strewn in his wake- which is neither here nor there) and to be honest, its not worth even trying to get or keep things tidy enough for him, cos i’m gonna get it wrong anyway, and i’m gonna hear about it loudly and dismissively- i’m also gonna get interupted and corrected and jumped on while i’m actually trying to do my best, and end up tears while he yells- so i just get the hell out of the way and let him do it, for my own sanity and his.
maybe your wife is trying to take the path of least resistance and keep her head down in the same way? cos you sound a lot like me and every other person with ADHD that i know. complicated. my poor bf frequently asks me what the right answer is to whatever question i’m asking him, because apparently he’s screwed no matter what he says or does- cos i’m a quick thinker, and i turn things around in my mind faster than he can keep up with- so fast that i don’t even see myself doing it- and the conversation hurts him 1000x more than me, cos he’s a sensitive chap who takes things to heart, where as stuff just slides right off me like i’m a duck with that whole water retardant back thing and a very short memory going on.
it turns out that i want him to be assertive, yet when he is, he gets it wrong- it turns out that i didn’t want to be told what i earlier asked to be told, let alone for him to have an opinion on something i don’t need an opinion on. i always want his support, but never want to do things his way- yet i want him to be responsible so that things aren’t my fault/problem when they go awry. he’s happiest when he just stands there and i have my mini cyclone around him. admittedly he’d be happier watching TV, but if he keeps his head down and his mouth shut but keeps a physical presence that smells of team morale he has more of a chance than if he’s on the couch and i’m within range for throwing saucepans at him.
i consistantly do exactly what i have a feeling you’re perhaps doing- i feel like standards aren’t being met and nobody else is even trying to meet them, so i have to be in charge of everything *le sigh- poor me*, i take over, change everything, boss everyone about and tell them how to do things, then get exasperated that they’ve tuned out and aren’t even trying any more, burst into angry tears and storm off because they’ve treatment me so unfairly by putting me in such a position, and then seethe and fume for a bit.
usually after i’ve had my mini meltdown and calmed down, i realise that the only person who thought that anyone needed to be in charge was me, and usually everyone else was actually quite happy with things as they were before i took over- it was only me who had such high expectations, only me who felt they weren’t being met, and only me who actually gave a monkeys, and only me who got in such a state over the whole thing- but everyone else had to handle the backlash while i had my little drama. and then i realise that whatever it was really wasn’t as important as it first seemed, when i really think about it and apply a bit of perspective. ooops. not that i’ll ever admit that.
maybe i’m wrong, but to be honest- that doesn’t happen very often, if ever, and anyone who told you otherwise doesn’t know what they’re talking about, and will come to know better after i’ve had a little chat with them about it. lucky them. 
*ducks and runs away*
REPORT ABUSE