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can you report back on how whatever you change to using works for you?
cos i’m not too sure about the straterra myself- honestly with 3 different medications on the go at once, and a shoddy excuse for a memory and loudy sense of self-awareness, i can’t work out whats a change and whats the same, whats down to what, and whats a benefit and whats not, very easily at all- i just know that its still a struggle to get going, get stuff done, and not feel wiped out from the effort.
the prozac comment got me thinking- i didn’t gain a bunch of weight on prozac (that i can remember, but honestly its all very blurry) but i do recall feeling very detached emotionally- like i was interacting with the world through a window- i could think very clearly, i just felt very ‘cold’- i didn’t have any emotional attachment to well… anything (which wasn’t good, as a depressive!).
i am starting to seriously consider whether a stimulant would be better for me than straterra (and to get sick of my arse hurting
), but at the same time its very easy to doubt my own judgement, and to start to question whether i’m maybe just a slacker, not trying hard enough, not really dealing with ADHD at all but a world class malingerer, and all that other negative stuff we start to tell ourselves when we’re tired, things are complicated, and we don’t have all the answers- let a clue how to think straight and work out the next move.so yes- please lemme know.
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oh dear. maybe when you’re less frazzled re-read your post and try and find a way to laugh at the situation, cos it is pretty funny really -when its not happening to you. poor wife- sounds like her heart was definately in the right place, at least.
poor you as well! i used to live halfway up a highrise building, and the fire alarm (this insanely loud hardwired screeching thing that reverbarated a big hollow echo in your head and chest- just incase you were deaf) would ALWAYS go off at about 3am on sunday mornings (after a total muppet -probably the same one each week- had tried to make a post-party fried breakfast and then fallen asleep, no doubt) and following our being forcedly awakened the next step was to haul your bedraggled semi-clad arse down about 20 flights of a concrete stairwell- hoping not to burst into flames at any moment. the only consolation really was that if you were quick enough getting downstairs and dodging through the automatic sprinkler system which made lovely fountains and grassy muddy puddles around the building, you got to see some sexy firemen jump out of big trucks with flashing lights, go strolling in the building, ascertain that there was no fire, then rapidly stroll out again and leave. so yep. i can relate. maybe you’d feel better if some dishy firefighters with huge yellow hoses and helmets had woken you up? maybe next time the wife could arrange that.
you know that simple and obvious thing- thats a dangerous expectation you have there- trust me, you’re gonna get nothing but consistantly disapointed by it. you’d be frightened by how many peoples next thought following ‘thats really quite loud, i wish i could make it so that it wasn’t!’ is ‘i’ll block the noises access to my ears somehow’ and not ‘i wonder how to turn it off?’. oh yeah- and don’t even think about getting a job in the retail sector, cos your head will rapidly explode.
the ADHD and Depression drugs- i think they are used together quite often, just that you have to be careful to get the balance right or you could risk seratonin syndrome and/or having too much dopamine and norepineprine flying about in there. which it appears from googling wouldn’t be ideal by any stretch of the imagination. hmmm. maybe this is a question for Dr J (and whenever i see ‘DR J’ written down i hear ‘it’s Run DMC and Jam Master Jay!’ in my head. argh. different person, jen. Dr J, not Master Jay. no jam, no running).
anyway yes- DR J. question- you think? how do we get that happening? ok everyone: jump up and down and wave your arms to get his attention right…….. NOW!
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here’s hoping that it keeps getting better.
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Well my stomach continues to feel better. I’ve been getting a solid 40 minutes on a stationary bike everyday and continuing to try and learn and find strategies to work around or with the various differences we have. An Autism Spectrum Diagnosis can be both good and bad. I feel that many things have been explained and there is a huge sense of relief from that, but on the other hand there are no more excuses, it’s time to face change, put the past in the past and move forward. This knowledge is empowering and frightening. I also think it is a road that needs to be traveled with extra care, taking time to understand and appreciate the changing scenery, instead of making it a race to feel better.
The meds are helping bring my energy up from a 1 or 2 to a 3 or 4, this does help me see things a little more positively. I almost threw in a “but” there. There is work to do to find a way to feel happy some of the time. I believe that if I can start feeling that sense of happy again, it will be easier to get back to feeling that way more often. There are things that I have wanted to do but put off for an number of reasons, but no more excuses, no more false expectations of who I am or should be. I’ve always known the path I should have been on and I’m climbing back up to it because I understand that it is not only where I want to be its where I need to be.
There it is, that happy feeling
I haven’t even had my meds yet today.FWIW, I’ve gone through the disclosure process with my family, Parents, wife and to a lesser extent the kids. I even shared with my boss, a co-worker that has had ‘issues’ with me, and the people I will be working with as I work towards my new career. It has been very positive. Turns out my co-worker has a number of phobias that she is dealing with and it was not personal. We both felt better.
Part of my growth is understanding that ADD is only part of the equation. Asperger’s is in here too. As they are on the same ‘spectrum’ its not surprising that there would be some common symptoms, these are not fixed with chemistry and will be here forever but that doesn’t mean I can’t make them better house guests. Family, Work, School, Life Skills, Self Concept, Sociability, risk taking are all areas that I have struggled with. Friends have never been a necessity, but I crave social contact despite not being very fluent at it. I make people uncomfortable because I express myself with passion that some people find over powering. I don’t seem to know how to express things in a tactful way, which is taken as being rude or insensitive. For example: Mom “I never hear from you”, Me “I never hear from you.” Mom, “When I call I don’t fell that you want to talk”, Me “Well you called so I figured you had something to talk about.” Mom, “Fine I won’t call.” Me “That’s not what I meant. What I meant was when you call you should have something to talk about.”
Meaning that I don’t call because I don’t have something to talk about, if I did I would. Small talk is a skill I work at but have not mastered. I can talk and talk and talk, but I tend to again be passionate, enjoy when people have information to add or challenge my ideas, but I turn it into a sport. More like hockey than baseball, lots of hard hits, cheap shots and a penalty or two for unsportsmanlike conduct or abuse of the official.
Thanks again to everyone that has contributed to this conversation. It has been a journal of sorts for me and reminds me every time I add to it that things are getting better and I am feeling more happiness.
Cheers!
REPORT ABUSEit really does sound like you’re getting your head around a lot of stuff and making great headway at the moment.
i can relate to the example conversation, and i’m not on the autistic spectrum, just um… how does my mother put it… “about as subtle as a brick” – especially when it comes to tact. the good news is that not only is this something improvable on your end with practice (you’re already getting the self awareness down, now its just a case of mastering altering your phrasing in order to express your meaning more effectively- with less noses getting put out of joint in the process!), but its also something that you’re not entirely responsible for- there are two people in the conversation, and the other party is responsible for how they decide to phrase things, and interpret your comments.
to be honest, i think it might do your mum a bit of good to look at how she words things, and her intent, as well- perhaps when you’ve got the tact and diplomacy sorted out a bit (hehehehe) you could let her know about how you’re looking at your social skills and language useage- with respect to communicating more effctively and constructively, and share a little about what you’ve learned.
i have had a lot of conversations just like the one you shared with assorted people, and it generally strikes me that they pretty frequently come into the discussion with the intent to guilt trip you, and get offended, then flounce off. your mum could have said something more like “i’d love to have a chat and catch up with you today- i enjoy hearing about whats going on with you, and i’d like to do it more often- maybe we could try and make regular time for that?!” instead of the “you’re neglecting me and being a bad son- wah wah wah” line that she sorta implied there. she could also have stopped just before the “fine, i won’t call then!” point, taken a breath, reflected on where the conversation was or wasn’t going, and said “hmmm….i think we’re getting off on the wrong foot here! is this a bad time for you, or are we just getting our wires crossed? i called because i was thinking about you, and decided that it’d be nice to hear your voice, have a chat, and just connect a bit. maybe you could tell me a bit about whats going on with you guys at the moment? if you’re busy or tired, perhaps i could talk to the wife or kids, or i could call back later?”
i know it can be incredibly difficult to talk with someone who is rather abrupt and who comes across as a bit defensive (which either or both of you might to the other party) but if you keep mentally focused and mindful of what you’re aiming to acheive (mutual happiness, and a joint acheivement of the positive exchange of information- not a mental sparring match), and try and mentally put yourself in the other persons shoes, you’d be suprised how much things can change, and how quickly too. thats not to say that debate isn’t an awesome thing- maybe just not ideal to get into with your mum. ….. (says the girl who has quite frequent dreadfully pointy, sarcastic, and all around ‘bang your head against the wall with frusttration’ type conversations with her father on the phone- at least we keep them down to 5 minute limits, and have learned to know when its time for him to pass the phone across to my mother before anyone bursts into flames with fury).
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maybe instead of a manager and an underling you need a management *team*. maybe explain to your wife that the dynamic of someone being in charge and someone else not being responsible isn’t working for you, acknowledge your part in it not succeeding, and ask if you could start sitting down together and working out whats important to each partner, who is best in a position to undertake specific tasks, start making joint decisions on things, putting plans in place, and working *together* with equal loads, the right person for the right job, and decent rewards for getting the house tidy, etc- with everyone being accountable to themselves. not being responsible is about as helpful for her as nagging and getting wound up is for you- and that whole setup is just asking for fans and having things that sound like ships but smell more stinky frequently hitting them.
that said… she’s probably right- the kitchen is extremely unlikely to ever get tidy, and stay tidy for more than 5 minutes- because its used all the time, and she sounds like me- messy as hell. that might just be how it is. to continue your workplace theme- a smart boss sees their staffs strengths and weaknesses, then delegates jobs and responsibilities, and encourages growth and the development of a positive team dynamic accordingly- he doesn’t try and get a bubbly, enthusiastic, scatterbrained and creative people-person to do the accounts and bookkeeping, cos she will inevitably screw it up time and time again, until she gets fired or quits from the stress- when it becomes apparent that she’s sucking at the math he doesn’t try and teach her advanced accounting skills or send her on training courses called ‘book keeping for dummies’, he puts her into roles where she’ll thrive and makes the most of her strengths, delegating the books to someone with a head for numbers and the organisation skills to match.
there is absolutely no point in expecting her or wanting her to be something she’s not (tidy in the kitchen), especially if it doesn’t matter that much to her- cos it aint gonna happen. so you’ll have to find another way to make it work for you both- at a level you can both cope with sustaining- either sort out a kitchen rota and work together on it, or agree that you’ll be responsible for after dinner cleanup and putting groceries away without grumbling about the chaos you’re walking into, while she does menu planning and works on something else thats more interesting/important/realistically acheivable for her that your ok with not being done ‘tidily’, so long as its done (like phoning your mum?
), etc. that, or decide if its really worth the effort and upset to try and change.another issue might actually be in how assertively you’re handling things. my dad is a tidy freak (one who has this expectation of magical tidiness occuring all around him, yet never sees his part in the making of the mess- despite spilling instant coffee and water everywhere 10 times a day and leaving a trail of general mess strewn in his wake- which is neither here nor there) and to be honest, its not worth even trying to get or keep things tidy enough for him, cos i’m gonna get it wrong anyway, and i’m gonna hear about it loudly and dismissively- i’m also gonna get interupted and corrected and jumped on while i’m actually trying to do my best, and end up tears while he yells- so i just get the hell out of the way and let him do it, for my own sanity and his.
maybe your wife is trying to take the path of least resistance and keep her head down in the same way? cos you sound a lot like me and every other person with ADHD that i know. complicated. my poor bf frequently asks me what the right answer is to whatever question i’m asking him, because apparently he’s screwed no matter what he says or does- cos i’m a quick thinker, and i turn things around in my mind faster than he can keep up with- so fast that i don’t even see myself doing it- and the conversation hurts him 1000x more than me, cos he’s a sensitive chap who takes things to heart, where as stuff just slides right off me like i’m a duck with that whole water retardant back thing and a very short memory going on.
it turns out that i want him to be assertive, yet when he is, he gets it wrong- it turns out that i didn’t want to be told what i earlier asked to be told, let alone for him to have an opinion on something i don’t need an opinion on. i always want his support, but never want to do things his way- yet i want him to be responsible so that things aren’t my fault/problem when they go awry. he’s happiest when he just stands there and i have my mini cyclone around him. admittedly he’d be happier watching TV, but if he keeps his head down and his mouth shut but keeps a physical presence that smells of team morale he has more of a chance than if he’s on the couch and i’m within range for throwing saucepans at him.
i consistantly do exactly what i have a feeling you’re perhaps doing- i feel like standards aren’t being met and nobody else is even trying to meet them, so i have to be in charge of everything *le sigh- poor me*, i take over, change everything, boss everyone about and tell them how to do things, then get exasperated that they’ve tuned out and aren’t even trying any more, burst into angry tears and storm off because they’ve treatment me so unfairly by putting me in such a position, and then seethe and fume for a bit.
usually after i’ve had my mini meltdown and calmed down, i realise that the only person who thought that anyone needed to be in charge was me, and usually everyone else was actually quite happy with things as they were before i took over- it was only me who had such high expectations, only me who felt they weren’t being met, and only me who actually gave a monkeys, and only me who got in such a state over the whole thing- but everyone else had to handle the backlash while i had my little drama. and then i realise that whatever it was really wasn’t as important as it first seemed, when i really think about it and apply a bit of perspective. ooops. not that i’ll ever admit that.
maybe i’m wrong, but to be honest- that doesn’t happen very often, if ever, and anyone who told you otherwise doesn’t know what they’re talking about, and will come to know better after i’ve had a little chat with them about it. lucky them.
*ducks and runs away*
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