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Anonymous
WOW Jen thanks for the time and the thoughtfulness of your reply.
You were right on the button with your insights and ideas too. Thankfully I did find the escape hatch from my closed mind and the day got better. We did talk, and I am growing from the knowledge gleaned from these opportunities.
Marriage is a partnership. Both people need to be open to the needs of their partner and accepting of their unique qualities, these are the things that created the attraction in the first place. That said, it’s a two way street. If the partnership is not balanced the results will be chaotic. There are areas where I am NOT balanced, but that is what this is all about. I’m discovering those things, then finding out where the problem is and trying to fill in the holes, she’s not. She’s perfect, right and frankly doesn’t think I have ADD. “You haven’t even been clinically diagnosed.” I didn’t understand the statement, “What do you feel is missing?” I saw two doctors, answered tons of questions, delved into my life from age 2 until present. Previously we had tried treating the other non ADD presenting issues like depression, this had no effect on the ‘big picture’. So I asked again, “What do you mean a clinical diagnoses?” “Well, you know. You talked to this doctor for an hour and now you have ADD.” I was shocked, but managed to say nothing negative. I opened Google Chrome on the laptop in the kitchen, went to TotallyAdd.com and played I’m Fine, The cost of ADD, What’s going on in his head and the 4 pathways.
It still bugs me though. Mainly because I decided enough was enough and started looking, reading, researching and making cognitive changes, however in her mind this is all ‘we’ need. She doesn’t believe that she needs to do any introspective thinking. It is once again all my fault. A big set back for me/us. Today is a new day and she’s got an appointment scheduled to talk to someone through her work assistance program. Yesterday she had a date scheduled for us, but at this point I don’t think discussing us will be fruitful without any acknowledgement from her side that this will take two. Then she needs to figure out her ‘domains’ that need work. At that point going to discuss things together will be more likely to get us in the right direction.
The other thing about marriage, raising children and operating a household is that someone has to take charge of things or nothing happens. We all need a leader or to lead. When neither parent fills this roll the kids flounder and have no direction, bills don’t get paid, groceries don’t get bought and the kids run the show because they assume that they are in charge. In an ideal situation both parents are equally “in charge” but that balance is pretty idealistic. One partner is alway more dominant is some areas and the other takes over in the other areas, in my situation my wife likes one thing more that being right and that is being pampered. She never had a job until she dropped out of University. She lived at home until she was married. Has never painted a room, picked out new furniture, or understood how colours go together. Rather that face something she will pretend it doesn’t exist. When she is right she will not be swayed regardless of the information, your information is less right. For every missed, forgotten, misunderstood thing that happens there is a ‘reason’, never an apology. I think this all looks a heck of a lot like descriptions of inattentive type ADD in females. Suggest that and any future discussion is hostile at best.
Two years ago I started studying animal behaviour, operant conditioning, positive training methods, etc, because I had been laid off and started a dog walking business. The dog walking business was exactly what I needed, but getting clients was more challenging and expensive than I could cover so I went back to work. It wet my appetite for getting out of the Dilbert World and for learning more about Behaviour Modification and Dog Training. I am nearing the end of a year long apprenticeship program for Dog Trainers and starting to plan for spring and the end of this contract. If only I could figure out how to utilize what I’m learning in the people world! It did however help me figure out that there were things I needed to change in me and got me going on this road.
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