Re: Struggling for Normality

[Anonymous]

I found this site and forum around an hour ago, I’ve already learned more than I had in the 6 years since my ADD diagnosis.

What joy – or there would be joy if I had the emotional and physical energy to make it all the way to joy to read of other people who experience the mental fog I have lived with. I have often felt while the basic functions of my brain were working (breathing, blinking, etc) the higher functions of my brain are asleep.

It has been difficult to “look” normal, but feel anything but normal. My highly energized, organized, intelligent spouse has struggled with my inability to “get going” almost as much as I have. I am not lazy. I have a strong desire to do things – I just don’t have the mental fortitude or the physical energy to get off the sofa. I have often been asked if I was depressed. I have always answered that while it was possible, I understood part of depression to be a lack of desire to do things. I feel just the opposite. I have so many things I want to do, want to participate in, want to contribute to, but the spark that other people have that propels them into action is missing in my body. I do work, I have raised children, I have maintained an orderly home. But every step, every act has been a struggle and I have only managed to do the things I have done by sheer force of will. A fierce determination to do what I have to do, no matter how I feel. It has been a lifetime of feeling like I am pushing a square block up a steep hill while receiving IV sedation.

I also have Inflammatory Bowel Disease which has resulted in years of Steroid use to control inflammation. Although I have been symptom free for 5 years, I wonder if perhaps the steroids damaged my bodies ability to produce adrenaline and if so, I guess that could account for some of my fatigue.

I hope I haven’t “whined” too much. I am having one of my more stuck in place days. Please excuse me if I have.

I have tried Adderal, Vyvanse and while most of the stimulants will get me going, at times I feel they rev me up too much. I thought the use of stimulants in someone with ADD wouldn’t cause the amphetamine energy they would in someone without ADD. This has caused me to at times question my diagnosis, even though so very many other puzzle pieces fit perfectly. The forgetfulness, the difficulty with written instructions, day dreaming, being easily distracted, and on and on…

and like others, about the only time I am not in a mental fog is when there is something creative going on. I am very musical, can play a variety of instruments, sing etc. and if I can force myself into some musical moments it is as if the asleep parts of my brain actually fire neurons for a time. It is a wonderfully sweet although temporary feeling.

Any insights/comments are appreciated. Thank you.

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