Struggling for Normality

[Anonymous]

Every day I live in a sort of mental fog. It feels like there’s a veil that I can almost see that feels like it literally separates me from the rest of the world. Some days it’s a thin veil, and sometimes the veil is so opaque that the rest of the world almost completely disappears behind it.

Occasionally (about once a month) I’ll have a “normal” day, and it’s like the mental fog I live in clears, all of the brain clutter falls away and I can simply “be”. These days are a both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, it’s such a relief to occasionally have a day when I actually feel functional. On the other hand, the rest of the days that I’m living in my ADD fog, it’s that much more frustrating, because I am completely aware of an unrealized potential.

On my normal days I tend to go a little manic, because I feel like I have to live an entire month in one day. Then I get in over my head with all kind of things like new hobbies, community volunteering, etc.

I’ve been spending most of my life trying to figure out how to have as many normal days as possible. I’m getting better at it, because I never used to have any, but it’s a daily challenge to try to have one more.

I’ve worked with:

– Diet

– Medication

– Meditation

– Sleep

– Mindfulness

I’ve found that I need a mixture of these things things to give me the best chance at having a normal day. Thing is, it feels like every day is work. I actually feel like I spend tremendous amounts of energy just trying to live, and it leaves little left for anything else. I can’t be at a party for more than an hour, because after that I actually feel exhausted from the effort of trying to be present.

Honestly, I’m not sure what this post is about, it’s just a bunch of stuff that I just feel like I needed to say. Thanks for reading my blathering.

Cheers,

CET

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[Bettyboo]

What’s normal? I’ve tried to figure that out but don’t know…I keep hearing…there is no normal for me cause I’m not normal and you’ll never be normal…So What’s normal?

This message doesn’t even sound normal…so I think you and are normal because we’re both not sure what the post was about. I have an idea if we can get a few more people to not know what there post is supposed to be about then I think we’d have enough people and majority rules…we’ll have normal on our side.

Whatta think!

Good Night

Elizabeth

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[trashman]

what if we are all normal and the rest of the world is not? may be we are the normal ones . switch places just for a day then they would understand how it feels. sorry you are right, soneone told me normal is over rated.

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[ADDled]

Depends on your definition of “normal”.

I’m sure everyone, including people who don’t have ADD, have issues about being “normal” at some time. I think being “normal” is a cultural concept because our western culture really wants to define people for the comfort of the rest of society. Everyone fits in. Nobody stands out. In theory…

But the more we, including people without ADD, try to fit in the more we feel inside ourselves that we don’t. Another thing I have learned about western society and values is that we tend to operate from a deficit position for just about everything. And I’m not talking the ADD type. For the most part we feel, or are made to feel, as if there is something lacking whether it’s possessions (a bigger house; a more expensive car; a beautiful/handsome spouse, 2.5 kids and a dog; the newest digital camera, etc.) or spiritual (there’s no meaning in my life – ever watch those TV evangelists?). Even to the extend living a lie just to be “normal”. Or even what sports team you’re a fan of. Let’s call it a “tribal” thing.

Sometimes it’s kinda funny to watch people be “normal”. Just look current “pop culture” trends and you’ll get the picture.

I think we ADDers get the double whammy because if we lacked our ADD, we’d still be looking for the same thing everyone else is looking for. But we get the fact that it’s elusive so we’re really ahead of the curve. I now realize it’s all a big joke and I’m the only one that gets it. Let me say, those of us with ADD “get it”. Because we can see the end result, because we can connect-the-dots, because we can see the relationship: the whole enchilada.

My feeling is you will see a lot more dissatisfaction and unrest in our culture during the next while as most of us attempt to adapt to the new world order. I remember my father was the sole wage earner in the family: we had a nice middle-class life in the ‘burbs, a nice bungalow to live in and had balance between work and life. Life was good. My father seldom worked overtime and only if the customer really needed something fast (it was more of an imposition than trying to increase productivity). Did our family want anything more out of life? In some small way, sure. That was how we based progress back then. But now it’s expected, indeed, demanded, so we can feel progress in our lives. We’ve become addicted to it and everything we watch on TV enables that feeling. Or advertising in magazines.

I fell out of that a long time ago, probably right after my father died when I was 11 years old. Single parent families were not “normal” then. That shattered everything I came to believe about being “normal” and changed everything I had believed in about the world up to then.

This, along with my undiagnosed ADD always made me feel like an outsider, that “I didn’t get it…”.

I know enough to know that “You are responsible for your own salvation”. A Buddhism belief, I believe. And I have been working on my own salvation for a long time. Getting closer every day it seems.

The other thing that really helped was a book called “Existentialism for Dummies”. I’m not joking, it really helped put some things in perspective. I’ve always had an interest in existentialism, even as a teenager probably trying to get a handle on things because of my then undiagnosed ADD and life in general. “Why didn’t I fit in…” I wondered. A lot of people think that existentialism is really dark and depressing (just the thing I need….) but I think it’s really about life. It’s not about sitting in a Paris cafe, drinking espressos, smoking those awful French cigarettes and saying “Life is sheet…”. It’s a guide as to how to cope in a ever increasingly meaningless world where all values are now skewed, manipulated even.

The other book that helped my figure things out was “The Thinker’s Way: Think Critically. Live Creatively. Choose Freely” by John Chaffee. Now, there’s a book I wish I’d read a long, long time ago. It put a lot of things in perspective. And in a big way, too.

You have everything you need: right here, right now.

Hope this helps…and good luck!

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[Anonymous]

@Addled!

When I read your post, I thought “Oh..just the same as me!’

I had the exact same experiences, losing my father at the age of eight, and living in a very small town where a ‘widow’ was unusual. I was treated differently all through public and high school by ‘friends’ and teachers.

Then in grade thirteen, my mother died and everyone around me scattered. Talk about being ‘different’! No one talked to me after that, just the folks at my part-time job.

Teachers ignored me, suddenly the ‘guidance’ that school talks about dried up and I was left to my own devices.

(When I was a top student, they were always ‘there’ for me…)

My workplace understood, put me full time from 1-10pm and I finished school, attending in the mornings.

Learned how to pay bills as I went and completed high school. Put myself through Hairstyling School by working in a salon nights and weekends while attending training by day. Nine years out of high school, opened my own business and have been successfully self-employed for 23 years….never looked back.

The thing I always knew and kept with me is that other people reveal their true selves to you by the way they either befriend or judge you.

Personally, I’ll take ‘nice’ over ‘normal’ any day!

None of my friends are ‘normal’…..thank goodness!!!

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[trashman]

Merry mac.so true my dad told people that woulld try to tell him who thy were or what thy were . he would say don’t tell me who you are show me by the thing’s you do.

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[Anonymous]

I mean “normal” to be when I am “awake” and aware of the world around me. When I am able to actually interact with the world. Most of the time, it’s like I live in a fog and there’s a veil that I can almost see that separates me from the rest of the world. Very little is able to penetrate this veil. An occasional word from conversation or in a book will penetrate, but even then it’s in fragments.

How can anyone possible interact effectively with the world when they are only able to perceive a fraction of what’s going on around them?

This is my every day, but occasionally I’ll have a day when I’m “awake” and able to perceive everything around me. For that one day, I’m actually able to interact with the world and be a productive and effective individual. The rest of the time, the world is stuff that happens around me that I barely notice.

I want to be part of the world around me and ADHD make it nearly impossible! I feel like I’m inflicted with something that makes me little more than a ghost that floats through the world, with little ability to actually be a part of it.

Cheers,

CET

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[trashman]

now I see what kind of fog you are talking about. . have you tryed any of the many meds out? what does your doctor say? can one of the meds clear this fog? let us know, hope you find something that works. sorry I can’t help.

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[Anonymous]

I’ve tried every med there is, and they help a lot! The down side is that they also make my emotions very unstable, so I’ve been experimenting with taking the minimum dose possible with an extended release. Between that, diet, getting as much sleep as possible, and regular meditation, I’m doing much better than ever before. It’s still not anywhere close to “normal” though.

In the end, I’m not sure if anyone has any answers, and that’s OK. I think I just needed to vent some of that stuff. Most people just don’t understand what it’s like. They genuinely don’t know why I can’t pay attention, pick up on social cues, or any of my other “peculiarities”. I think I just wanted to hear some people say that they understand.

Cheers,

CET

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[Rick Green – Founder of TotallyADD]

Perhaps what we all mean by ‘normal’ is ‘able to do what I would really like to do’.

Rather than normal what we aspire to is being functional. Or not being impaired in areas that matter to me. Like, I’m not really super great at hand-eye coordination, so I can’t juggle or play racquetball. And I’m fine with that.

On the other hand I’m totally impatient with paperwork and business stuff, and yet I would like to have some real power around this. So that I actually get paid what I’m worth, and what I do get paid doesn’t go out the door to pay late fees and fines.

Functional. Or powerful. Or in control. Masters of our universe, no matter how far out our universe is.

Normal? That’s too much like average.

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[ADDled]

I remember a phrase from the ’60’s: “Why Be Normal?”

Yes. I’m that old….but I do remember the 60’s (sort of…)

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[Anonymous]

Hey Rick..I just keep in mind that not everyone can do everything.

When we ADD/HD’ers are in our groove…we are not only good at something..we are spectacular at it.

Talk about getting things done in a hyperfocus! It’s like having a superpower!

(or not…like the day I got ‘stuck’ cleaning out the closet..just got plain old obsessed with it for 12 hours…but hey..it was an amazing job!)

Hi ADDled

You know the old saying

‘If you can remember the 60’s then you weren’t there!’

I think I can’t remember the 60’s because of my age…I have CRAFT disease..Can’t Remember a Freakin’ Thing

: )))

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[Anonymous]

@GET: I know what you mean. I’ve had some really good days, days where I didn’t feel encumbered by inattentiveness, or anxiety, or the feeling that I wasn’t moving fast enough. And yes, I too wanted to squeeze as much productivity and enjoyment from those days because they are so infrequent. It’s been a long time since I’ve had one of those days. I miss them.

I agree with Rick in the definition of ‘normal’: “Perhaps what we all mean by ‘normal’ is ‘able to do what I would really like to do’.”

The frustrating part is not being able to reproduce these feelings, at will, with any reliability. They seem to defy attempts at identifying what might trigger these occasional shifts toward “normal.” At least for me anyway.

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[Anonymous]

Hi CET, I certainly (as well as others on this thread, likely) undertand what you mean about living with a veil or a fog for 353 days of the year. I used to pretty much be constantly living with that ‘fog’. Or at least constantly burdened and weighed down by it. I kinda felt like a spectator to the entire world around me.

Several years ago, I started to realize that I wasn’t in this fog (and that I was in a complete opposite state of clarity) when I was drawing, or doing something visually creative. I’ve always been talented as far as drawing and visual arts goes – since I was a kid. Anyhow, I also noticed that any anxiety I normally felt, just kinda disappeared when I was drawing as well. Since realizing that, I’ve always tried to make time in my life for that – even if I can afford only a bit of time. It’s one of the only times in life when I ever feel “normal”.

In Dr Hallowell’s book ‘Delivered from Distraction’ there’s lots said about the power and importance of ADDers finding what their “sweet spot” is – whether it’s fixing cars, playing music, knitting, playing a sport or drawing. It’s an interesting book. So, perhaps, when you have time, try to think about something that you’ve always been inclined to – or that you’ve often been able to hyperfocus to – and try to expose yourslef to that activity more often? I dunno. It worked wonders for me a while back when I was lost and trying to find a place in the world.

I also find that I feel closer to “normal” after I’ve exercised in some way for about a half hour or so. Exercise does something to the brain where it kinda resets things. It helps to kickstart and level out the neurotransmitters (dopamine, norepinephrine) that are typically off kilter in the ADD brain. I usually have an hour or two of feeling normal and functional after I go for a jog. There’s also lots of info out there about exercise and the ADD brain.

Anyhow, just thought I’d toss in some insights that I found have worked over time.

I hope you find more days of clarity:)

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[Anonymous]

I found this site and forum around an hour ago, I’ve already learned more than I had in the 6 years since my ADD diagnosis.

What joy – or there would be joy if I had the emotional and physical energy to make it all the way to joy to read of other people who experience the mental fog I have lived with. I have often felt while the basic functions of my brain were working (breathing, blinking, etc) the higher functions of my brain are asleep.

It has been difficult to “look” normal, but feel anything but normal. My highly energized, organized, intelligent spouse has struggled with my inability to “get going” almost as much as I have. I am not lazy. I have a strong desire to do things – I just don’t have the mental fortitude or the physical energy to get off the sofa. I have often been asked if I was depressed. I have always answered that while it was possible, I understood part of depression to be a lack of desire to do things. I feel just the opposite. I have so many things I want to do, want to participate in, want to contribute to, but the spark that other people have that propels them into action is missing in my body. I do work, I have raised children, I have maintained an orderly home. But every step, every act has been a struggle and I have only managed to do the things I have done by sheer force of will. A fierce determination to do what I have to do, no matter how I feel. It has been a lifetime of feeling like I am pushing a square block up a steep hill while receiving IV sedation.

I also have Inflammatory Bowel Disease which has resulted in years of Steroid use to control inflammation. Although I have been symptom free for 5 years, I wonder if perhaps the steroids damaged my bodies ability to produce adrenaline and if so, I guess that could account for some of my fatigue.

I hope I haven’t “whined” too much. I am having one of my more stuck in place days. Please excuse me if I have.

I have tried Adderal, Vyvanse and while most of the stimulants will get me going, at times I feel they rev me up too much. I thought the use of stimulants in someone with ADD wouldn’t cause the amphetamine energy they would in someone without ADD. This has caused me to at times question my diagnosis, even though so very many other puzzle pieces fit perfectly. The forgetfulness, the difficulty with written instructions, day dreaming, being easily distracted, and on and on…

and like others, about the only time I am not in a mental fog is when there is something creative going on. I am very musical, can play a variety of instruments, sing etc. and if I can force myself into some musical moments it is as if the asleep parts of my brain actually fire neurons for a time. It is a wonderfully sweet although temporary feeling.

Any insights/comments are appreciated. Thank you.

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