Re: The Mysterious Rules of the Friendship Game

[AbbyNormal]

Ok, when you read this update, please do temper the tough love with some empathy, I’m in a pretty fragile emotional state over the wreck that I’ve finally made of all this.

My friend and I never did get together, virtually stopped talking over the last several months. Last spring, she messaged me to ask after me: “I just don’t hear from you anymore- is there more to it than you’re just busy?” I told her I was just needing to lie low for awhile, was having adhd-type communication problems with the outside world. She didn’t respond in any way after that. What I really wanted to say, and didn’t, was: “All my energy is going to dealing with chronic health issues (that you don’t like to talk about with people) and ADHD issues with myself and my son (which I can’t talk about with you because you don’t relate well and it doesn’t feel safe for me to discuss because you think we’re hard to take already!”).

So months go by and I even made an attempt at more contact over the summer but neither of us were feeling it and it went nowhere. And I still hadn’t told her what the central issue was/is- the elephant in the room that I felt still needed to be addressed before things could get better. I was afraid, and we never got together anymore for a deep talk to come up naturally.

Then a few weeks ago I read a post on Facebook from her to everyone and she’s got breast cancer. I was devastated for her, so sad. I also felt the change in status from a “call and see her” friend to a “hear about her life on Facebook” friend. I knew it’d been mutual over the last year, but still felt weird, after having known her so long and being there for the death of her mother 2 years ago. Trying to take up on a social cue of where I stand in her life, I responded in kind- I commented and messaged on FB. She messaged back that she was all “talked out” from having to call family members. So, taking that info + knowing she hates talking about health issues + we weren’t close anymore, I didn’t call. But I did message and text words of support and grief for her.

So what do I choose to do next? Why, write a long note of kind words about her cancer but also clearing the air! Surely, it’s the best time to do such a thing! She needs to know why I haven’t called her and why I’ve pulled back! She needs to know NOW! I swear the words on my gravestone are going to be, “It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time”. Like I said, be gentle when you rough me up after this.

SO, I finally communicated my feelings with her, in a letter- because, frankly, talking to her in person intimidates the hell out of me- she can be defensive and vindictive when she feels confronted. First said I was devastated for her when I read about her cancer. Told her that if anyone I know can beat the damn thing, it’s her. And said that if the caring and love of people around you could beat it, she’d already be cured. Then admitted it was a long time coming, been meaning to talk to you in person, etc. Gave her the option to opt out and not read any further if she wasn’t ready for personal revelations. Told her about the incident that hurt me “You’re hard to take sometimes!” and how it crushed me. Told her I’d been oblivious to being difficult, not surprised, “I can be high maintenance/I’m erratic/I don’t pick up on clues”, etc. but also that can be loyal and fun. Added that I thought although the friendship hadn’t been easy, I always thought it had been worth the effort, and that some of the best days of my life were spent with her. Said I wished she’d let me know each time I did something so I could change my behavior, but also pointed out that I know I neglected to tell her all this time that I was upset, and that if I hadn’t waited, maybe we could have made things better. Said repeatedly that I was sorry for the note if it was bad timing. Sorry for being a trying friend, that I could totally understand. Told her I was glad that she had a good friend in (a mutual friend that we’d met and tried to be friends with together at first but who’s now her BFF) and that I hoped she’d lean on her and let her take care of her in this time of need. And said maybe we can both have closure about this now, but that if she wanted to talk, I’d always leave a light on for her. Told her I loved her.

And she messaged me back a torrent of hate. I won’t speak to something said over a year ago. You can’t come to me now and act like you were such a wonderful friend and I cut you and left you devastated. Wishing me well weeks after the fact is unconscionable. I’m going through cancer without my parents and I hope you’re never in my shoes. She unfriended me and asked me to leave the women’s group I’ve been in with her for the last 7 years.

And I’m trying not to obsess over it, but it’s hard not to 1) want to respond back in defense all the things she got wrong or 2) take to my bed and give up on communicating with anybody at all. Extremes are our specialty, after all. Middle ground? What middle ground?

So I just replied back. “I’m sorry for hurting you. I hope you can forgive me someday.” and left it at that.

Hate ADHD. Hate lacking social skills. Hate being misunderstood. Hate being hated. Hate being wrong. Hate regret. Hate how I’ve botched this up FUBAR.

:*(((

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