The Mysterious Rules of the Friendship Game

[AbbyNormal]

Lately I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the difficulties of friendships. They come in all flavors, from acquaintances to work friends to activity-based friends, to “BFF”‘s. I’ve been lucky enough to develop several of the BFF variety- close same-sex friendships- at various times throughout my life, but they all eventually came apart at the seams and things ended.

Looking back from the other side of diagnosis and treatment I can see that it was my ADHD-ness that inevitably soured these friendships: Social skills I didn’t/don’t have. Cues I never picked up on. Probable annoying habits I was never aware of, and never made aware of directly. I can be loud, I talk a lot. I say things before thinking. When I’m misunderstood I get Deer In Headlights Syndrome and fail to explain what I really meant. Etc., etc., etc. I could never figure out what the rules were! Things could start out easy if I found someone that I really clicked with, but eventually I would get “that feeling”. You know the one- where you know people don’t like you anymore but you are powerless to put a finger on why!

And being 1 part of a 3-way friendship? Forget it- those rules are even harder to fathom. Not to mention that it’s a dynamic that gives me Post-Traumatic Stress flashbacks to trying to get along with my 2 older sisters who were like twin aliens in an exclusive club.

Recently it’s happened again, despite all signs pointing to “this one’s gonna last”. I had a best friend that I adored. We had kids the same age who were also best friends (my son also has ADHD and is also on medication). We had a lot in common. For years we talked daily, we spent time together as families. It was most definitely a 2-way street: sometimes I’d listen, sometimes she’d listen. I helped her through the sudden death of her mother. She helped me through illness and job loss. We took care of each other’s kids. We shared triumphs, neuroses, fears, and lots and lots of humor between us. We felt like sisters, and said so, many times.

Then her son dropped my son as a friend with no explanation. I can see now that it was a maturity gap- my ADHD son is a couple years behind in social skills and maturity, as are a lot of ADHD kids in junior high through, oh, college, right? It came as a shock to both myself and my son. It hurt. But I was determined to not let this affect my own friendship, and worked really hard at it. We kept talking, business as usual. But it was different, because there weren’t as many natural opportunities to spend time together if the boys weren’t together. And it also hurt, because my boy was hurt, and I hurt for him. It was going to take some time to get over.

We tried to move on and not talk about it much until one day it just….blew up. She was hurt by something I’d said and it just all.came. out. What came out was all her feelings and fears about how mad I must be at her because her son ended the boys’ friendship. (I wasn’t mad, just hurt.) Then she said something that has stayed with me. In the context of saying how awful it was that I was surely judging her son for what he did and how he did it:

“I don’t like the way he handled this either, but….Well it’s not easy being friends with YOU, you know! You’re really hard to take sometimes!!”

I can’t tell you how this hurt me, and still hurts me to this day (it’s been almost a year). This from a woman I loved unconditionally who at times is a bundle of insecurities, OCD-ness, and has a healthy dose of control issues herself (e.g., she hates when people talk too much about their health or other various topics she disapproves of). Due to the Deer in Headlights Syndrome which caused me not to address what she said, at the end of the conversation we said “I love you” and agreed to let things heal and stay close. But I didn’t feel safe anymore. This time I was the one who pulled back. All I can hear is that phrase, ringing in my head like a gong.

We still talk occasionally, but never about my son, whose ADHD poses significant challenges to my parenting life and never about my health, which affects me daily due to a chronic disorder. So, we talk about tv, about work, and that’s about it. I should probably have brought my hurt to her attention, but every time I considered it, I thought, “What’s going to change if I tell her? Nothing. She’ll still feel the same about me. I’ll still be just as hard to take.”

It’s gone downhill in a slow, awkward spiral and I can tell she’s resentful that I’ve pulled away. But I am powerless to do anything about it because I don’t have the skills, I never got my hands on the rulebook, and I have a feeling it’s too late to reverse a Game Over.

Not only that, but I think I’m really tired of the Friend Game. I’ve missed her, but I’ve had more time for myself and my family since this happened. I don’t know if I’m deluding myself or not, but I think I could be just fine with my wonderful husband as my BFF and the occasional night out with card club. These things are exhausting, and I feel like I might be at the age where I give myself permission to keep only the friends who can either deal with me being me or have the decency to buy me a clue when I’m doing something annoying.

If you’re still reading, thanks for sticking with this long-story-long. I’m open to advice/thoughts/tough love.

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[Anonymous]

I’ve lost some friendships because I can’t meet the expectations for staying in touch. And some people get really stuck on how much value is placed on the friendship based on things like remembering/acknowledging birthdays – like if I forget that, then I must not be a good friend. ??? Never mind that I’d drop what I was doing when they need something etc etc. One friendship was gone because I totally forgot that she had come up for a whole day the year before. It was simply gone from my memory – and I agree that it would have been hurtful. I’ve learned that when friends tell me stuff – like they have a big appt/waiting for test results etc – to write it in my date book so that I can ask how it went. But on the whole I believe I am a good friend – good listener where friendship is involved, empathetic … so sometimes I am baffled by the “rules” that I don’t get.

I’m sorry that your reltaionship with your dear friend has been under such strain. It would have been hurtful to hear that you’re not easy to be friends with when you have worked hard to maintain the freindship. My husband is really my BFF too. We “get” each other like no one else can, and accomodate each others failings.

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[AbbyNormal]

Thanks, Bella- I can definitely identify with your struggle to keep up an appropriate level of contact. I’m good at the extremes- all the time or none of the time- but can’t wrap my brain around intermittent!!

As for my post above: I can only say “Note to self: when posting on an ADHD board for much-needed sympathy and advice, DON’T make it SO LONG that your fellow ADHD’ers get DISTRACTED by paint drying while reading it!!”

Sorry for that. Guess I type like I talk- without a clue as to how long I go on!

“Abby someone.”

“Abby who?”

“Abby….Normal.”

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[Anonymous]

Abby – I only needed one break while reading your post. It helps a lot when people break a post – esp a longish one, into paragraphs.

I sent off an email to a friend today who hasn’t been talking to me for awhile – asking that we have a chat about whatever it is that has gotten in the way. When I was writing to her, I was about to ask forgiveness for whatever I’d done wrong – but then I thought “No, stop assuming that I’ve done something wrong – it’s not all about ME!” I really hope I’ll hear back and we can iron out the wrinkles cuz we had some great times and deep conversations together.

Btw Abby – I have a number of friends who are not “easy to be friends with”, but friends accomodate each other. Don’t be blaming yourself – which if you’re anything like me, you do very well.

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[Saffron]

Abby, I read every word. You express yourself and describe the situation SO well… so effectively, in fact, that I feel like I’m in your shoes with you and can only reflect and wait for someone else to post The Answer.

Close, long-term friendships DO take work. Every once in a while we need to save the relationship by professing that something didn’t settle well with us, and hope it can be talked out without further hurt to our feelings.

Unfortunately, opening up this discussion means we have to be ready to hear about some shortcoming of our own that we weren’t aware of. We need to be ready to swallow our hurt and promise that we’ll work on it, instead of acting on defensiveness and saying something like, for instance, “Well it’s not easy being friends with YOU, you know! You’re really hard to take sometimes!!”

PEOPLE are hard to take, for Pete’s sake. You BOTH make accommodations for each other in order to be close friends. You need an opportunity to point this out to her (*without* examples!) and to ask her to agree that you’ll both continue to do so.

And I absolutely get your words: “I’m good at the extremes- all the time or none of the time- but can’t wrap my brain around intermittent!!”

I’ve gone so far as to add “keeping in touch with people” to my weekly To-Do lists (e.g., send quick “hello” email to so-and-so). But that, of course, just swells my already-overwhelming list and makes me feel more pressured.

I’ve mentioned to two friends lately that taking regular initiative to be in contact is a pitfall of mine that I’m working hard on, that it has to do with issues around dealing with what’s in the moment and feeling overwhelmed, and that I dearly appreciate every call and email they make.

I don’t think they really understood. But I know they appreciated hearing it—at least for that moment, until the next time I go too long without being in touch.

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[AbbyNormal]

Thanks, Bella & Saffron!! As always, it’s a comfort to know that others experience the same issues, means I’m not adrift on my own little chunk of ice, like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer or something! :0)

Bella, I do tend to blame myself as you do; maybe that’s a habit we develop from feeling “out of the loop” on a lot of the Rules, huh? I sometimes trip all over myself apologizing, which can add to the general picture of social incompetence I portray so well sometimes!

Saffron, thanks for your kind post and compliments. I love your idea of putting keeping-in-touch tasks on your To Do list! I’m going to try something like that, as well as the “put it out there” statements you made to your friends. Who knows? They might not totally identify with that sort of thing not coming naturally, but it’s very possible it hasn’t occurred to them that the reasons behind our erratic contact might be a skill deficit we WANT to correct, but continue to struggle with. Maybe it would help to ask them for their as to what they’d like to see from us and prompts that we need to step up our game? That’s pretty empowering, to be asked what you want right up front, so it might endear them to us, thus lead to a bigger margin of error forgiveness!!

:::sigh:::: Once again, it feels like a damn lot of work. :^) Oh, why can’t everybody value equally the things that come easy to us ADHD’ers?! #perfectworldwish

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[sdwa]

The best friendships are ones where I don’t have to force anything to discover that I’m in a friendship. If it just kind of flows. But often they end up feeling very one-sided, where I’m giving and listening, and the other person is taking and talking, and I get tired. I’ve had friendships that I let fall off the map because they were too much work. Really don’t like getting into heavy emotional territory with people…prefer relationships that are about shared interests and not so much about personal internal stuff…looking out at an external thing and NOT looking at each other. Otherwise for me there is too much room for a co-dependent weirdness. Maybe it’s superficial but it’s more comfortable.

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[Robbo]

I did read all of your first post AbbyNormal, it was good to read. Good because it helped me to understand and forgive a lot of the painful relationship struggles I’ve had over the years. You’re a wise Lady. I’m looking foreword to having more time to read more on this thread.

I’ve been on the phone about 2 or 3 hours today, n on the Internet pretty much all the rest of the day/night. It’s no fun having to go to bed. I’m feeling like an 8 year old being told to go to bed… sometimes I think being disabled and not having a regular 40+ hour a week job n family has spoiled me. I’ve got lot’s of free time. I can easily fill up all that time doing all the ADHD stuff that we do too!..

I gotta quit the dang guilt huh? Heck, my life ain’t no picnic. Stuff takes me much longer not only because of the ADHD, but also cuz most of my body is paralyzed… Given a choice, I pick paralyzed over ADHD. ADHD is a much larger challenge. I’ve made friends with both and that scares the crap outa me. What next? Fortunately I have an anxiety group tomorrow. It’s scary when life starts to go well, I haven’t really screwed up bad in more than a week!! yikes!!!

Gratitude is a strange phenomenon. I’m grateful, but then part of me doesn’t think I deserve all the good things in my life. And being healthy. Looking healthy. Doom is looming…

I’m weird. That’s all. Being weird is NOT A CRIME huh?

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[Saffron]

Nope, not a crime.

Geezus Robbo, get some sleep.

The poet Ehrmann wrote in “Desiderata”:

“Do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.”

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[Robbo]

Thanks Saffron,

I did. And I feel good and rested. Having a super awesome blast blasting loud music. A playlist I haven’t listened to in a long time. It’s great to hear old tunes I haven’t heard for a while.

I shall now go to my stove, take down The Desiderada, and read it a few times. With the music off so I can really let it soak in.

Thanks a bunch. It’s good when people are straight with me. <<< Gezzus Robbo, get some sleep>>>

On average I get about 9 or 10 hours. hence the guilt. But It’s during the day unfortunately. Me hiding out from learning them dang social scillz. S kills! It kills me to be in social situations sometimes……. Then I magically turn into a butterfly, for a while.. n then… I went out to get mail, there were more slugs than worms on the sidewalk, we don’t see much rain here. The slugs reminded me of a funny post I wrote about snails n slugs in my head… Fun memories pour out like rain when music is raging.

It’s official, I’m crazy, stupid, lazy. But I can deal with it now. ADHD n me are making friends. It’s just a rocky relationship…

I was about to look up lyrics to Nirvana-Scoff, and Doors-People are strange… For the favorite songs thread, favorite song? that’s impossible… Just went from 50 cent to Led Zepplin on the ear splitting devices of my living REALLY LIVING!!! room.

ukay, read desiderada… go back to music,,, then shower. Got it!

Later tomaters.

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[Robbo]

I took it down and typed the whole thing. Very therapeutic. Thanks for your kind words. I’ll copy n paste it just as it is written on the brass like metal, fastened with rusty screws to an old piece of wood at the back of my stove. In my home, that’s a place of honor.

DESIDERATA

GO PLACIDLY AMID THE NOISE & HASTE, & REMEMBER WHAT PEACE THERE MAY BE IN SILENCE. AS FAR AS POSSIBLE WITHOUT surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly & clearly; and listen to others, even the dull & ignorant they too have their story. — Avoid loud & aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain & bitter; for always there will be greater & lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. — Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. — Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity & disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. — Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue & loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. — You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees & stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. –There-fore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors & aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. — With all it’s sham, drudgery & spoken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. — —

-Ehrmann

Mine doesn’t have the name of the Author, thanks. I added that part. I sure do feel better, and I wasn’t even feeling bad, just a little bit down on me for not getting up in time to make it to the tues. Anxiety group. Now I’ll do the rest of what I said I’ll do n go pick up the friend waiting for me to take him to the grocery story…

Love n peace gang.

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[Saffron]

*smiling*

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[AbbyNormal]

Thanks for your kind reply, Robbo.

Lurrrve the “Desiderata”, Saffron- such beautiful language! Reading it makes me breathe deeper and feel more centered.

Glad we all can agree that being weird is not a crime. I often wish our society in general and our public schools in particular were more respectful of the spectrum of differences present across the population. Too many suffer from trying to operate within the same shape/size/color/type box as “everyone” else. I understand there has to be some code of basic civility, but…still!

One of my mottoes is, “Why Be Normal?”, hence my username.

I really need to find some…no, one… ADHD friend so I can see what it’s like to let my freak flag fly and not worry about repercussions!

Glad you got some sleep, Robbo, no matter what time it was. ;^)

Abby

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[Robbo]

I have a new friend who is most likely very adHd. Super big aYCh lol.

You’re welcomed AbbyNorm. I feel like I’ve got some good very valuable friends here, nothing beats people with eye contact, body language, laffing at my jokes so I know that they’re not just funny to me. etc.

There is no box, that was my first idea for my first tatoo. Still working out the artwork. It’s gonna look super cool. a “Box” exploding! and “there is no box” written under it. Mebby on my leg, I dunno yet.

Normal is probably over-rated. But which one of of is gonna care enough about normal to pay attention anyway? hehe. ZZZZZZZZ the idea just made me nod off.

PS, “I almost cut my hair just other day, but I wanted to let my…. [fill in the blank]

Anyone want to put the rest of the lyrics to the above song on? It’s perfect for this thread.

Hint 1 — Crosby, Stills, ?, and ? –. Hint 2 — #4, sang with the writer of these lyrics, may have written them — . Name that musician for bonus points

<<<<Close, long-term friendships DO take work. Every once in a while we need to save the relationship by professing that something didn’t settle well with us, and hope it can be talked out without further hurt to our feelings.

Unfortunately, opening up this discussion means we have to be ready to hear about some shortcoming of our own that we weren’t aware of. We need to be ready to swallow our hurt and promise that we’ll work on it, instead of acting on defensiveness and saying something like, for instance, “Well it’s not easy being friends with YOU, you know! You’re really hard to take sometimes!!”

PEOPLE are hard to take, for Pete’s sake. You BOTH make accommodations for each other in order to be close friends. You need an opportunity to point this out to her (*without* examples!) and to ask her to agree that you’ll both continue to do so. >>>

The whole post is great reading, it would just look goofy re-posting the whole thing.

going to bed now :o)

Someday I’ll give up being a night person… Not sure why I would want to do that tho. Oh yeah! friends that’s the whole point here huh? doh!!!

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[Anonymous]

I lost 2 such really good friends thanks to my weirdness and I somehow ended up saying something that made them misunderstand me and they no longer talk to me, although, I still get happy birthdays, happy new years and all that from them. I still do not understand what went wrong.

The problem mostly is that I am great in one on conversation scenarios, and really speak with people, capture their attention , fascinate them e.t.c. Once the scenario changes to 3 + people , it gets awkward. I am the most silent person in groups and small talk is not my forte. People fail to understand how and why this sudden shift in attitude came about. Some even misunderstood and asked me if they have said or did something wrong for me to suddenly feel so uncomfortable.

And keeping in touch with whatever friends I have remaining is also a herculean task. I can’t remember birthdays e.t.c.

I do not understand the meaning of “just saying Hi”.

Just say hi and then what?? < hearing crickets >

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