The Mysterious Rules of the Friendship Game

[Robbo]

Thanks firstnations, sounds cool. one problem, in the last month, I may have posted on about 40 different threads, and mebby 60 different posts… I wonder how I’ll remember to check out that video???

Oh, I know. click on favorites… Rats!, it’s already on my favorites list. oh shoot, I’ve got 31 I think, just counted em. can’t remember the #… so eYm gessin.

Brain fart!!! pyoo

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[AbbyNormal]

:::popping head up from behind the newspaper:::

Hi again and thanks to all for your kind but firm advice. I do see the value in communicating on a deeper level with her in order to see if something can be salvaged. It’s tough to think about hearing the downsides to being friends with me, things that I might need to change. It’s been easier to avoid all that and keep her at arm’s length, right?

As always, I appreciate the honesty and tough love.

I’m thinking that although 90+% of what we communicate is conveyed through everything OTHER than the words, I might take the above advice to write something out vs. try to say it without falling apart or saying it wrong, as we are wont to do. At least as an opener, so she has a chance to recover from the shock of sudden revelation and re-opening of the wounds we both have.

Peace, and thanks to all again!

Abby

P.S. Sheesh, Robbo- that buffed-up squirrel avatar of yours is going to star in my next recurrent “the rodents are after me” nightmare!! :^)

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[g.laiya]

hope it works out for you both abby! keep us posted ((hug))

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[g.laiya]

and thanks robbo for sharing the desiderato – it’s beautiful – i think i’m going to look for a plaque too to have a daily reminder

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[AbbyNormal]

Ok, when you read this update, please do temper the tough love with some empathy, I’m in a pretty fragile emotional state over the wreck that I’ve finally made of all this.

My friend and I never did get together, virtually stopped talking over the last several months. Last spring, she messaged me to ask after me: “I just don’t hear from you anymore- is there more to it than you’re just busy?” I told her I was just needing to lie low for awhile, was having adhd-type communication problems with the outside world. She didn’t respond in any way after that. What I really wanted to say, and didn’t, was: “All my energy is going to dealing with chronic health issues (that you don’t like to talk about with people) and ADHD issues with myself and my son (which I can’t talk about with you because you don’t relate well and it doesn’t feel safe for me to discuss because you think we’re hard to take already!”).

So months go by and I even made an attempt at more contact over the summer but neither of us were feeling it and it went nowhere. And I still hadn’t told her what the central issue was/is- the elephant in the room that I felt still needed to be addressed before things could get better. I was afraid, and we never got together anymore for a deep talk to come up naturally.

Then a few weeks ago I read a post on Facebook from her to everyone and she’s got breast cancer. I was devastated for her, so sad. I also felt the change in status from a “call and see her” friend to a “hear about her life on Facebook” friend. I knew it’d been mutual over the last year, but still felt weird, after having known her so long and being there for the death of her mother 2 years ago. Trying to take up on a social cue of where I stand in her life, I responded in kind- I commented and messaged on FB. She messaged back that she was all “talked out” from having to call family members. So, taking that info + knowing she hates talking about health issues + we weren’t close anymore, I didn’t call. But I did message and text words of support and grief for her.

So what do I choose to do next? Why, write a long note of kind words about her cancer but also clearing the air! Surely, it’s the best time to do such a thing! She needs to know why I haven’t called her and why I’ve pulled back! She needs to know NOW! I swear the words on my gravestone are going to be, “It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time”. Like I said, be gentle when you rough me up after this.

SO, I finally communicated my feelings with her, in a letter- because, frankly, talking to her in person intimidates the hell out of me- she can be defensive and vindictive when she feels confronted. First said I was devastated for her when I read about her cancer. Told her that if anyone I know can beat the damn thing, it’s her. And said that if the caring and love of people around you could beat it, she’d already be cured. Then admitted it was a long time coming, been meaning to talk to you in person, etc. Gave her the option to opt out and not read any further if she wasn’t ready for personal revelations. Told her about the incident that hurt me “You’re hard to take sometimes!” and how it crushed me. Told her I’d been oblivious to being difficult, not surprised, “I can be high maintenance/I’m erratic/I don’t pick up on clues”, etc. but also that can be loyal and fun. Added that I thought although the friendship hadn’t been easy, I always thought it had been worth the effort, and that some of the best days of my life were spent with her. Said I wished she’d let me know each time I did something so I could change my behavior, but also pointed out that I know I neglected to tell her all this time that I was upset, and that if I hadn’t waited, maybe we could have made things better. Said repeatedly that I was sorry for the note if it was bad timing. Sorry for being a trying friend, that I could totally understand. Told her I was glad that she had a good friend in (a mutual friend that we’d met and tried to be friends with together at first but who’s now her BFF) and that I hoped she’d lean on her and let her take care of her in this time of need. And said maybe we can both have closure about this now, but that if she wanted to talk, I’d always leave a light on for her. Told her I loved her.

And she messaged me back a torrent of hate. I won’t speak to something said over a year ago. You can’t come to me now and act like you were such a wonderful friend and I cut you and left you devastated. Wishing me well weeks after the fact is unconscionable. I’m going through cancer without my parents and I hope you’re never in my shoes. She unfriended me and asked me to leave the women’s group I’ve been in with her for the last 7 years.

And I’m trying not to obsess over it, but it’s hard not to 1) want to respond back in defense all the things she got wrong or 2) take to my bed and give up on communicating with anybody at all. Extremes are our specialty, after all. Middle ground? What middle ground?

So I just replied back. “I’m sorry for hurting you. I hope you can forgive me someday.” and left it at that.

Hate ADHD. Hate lacking social skills. Hate being misunderstood. Hate being hated. Hate being wrong. Hate regret. Hate how I’ve botched this up FUBAR.

:*(((

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[Scattybird]

Hi AbbyNormal – I’m really sorry to read your post – sorry about how it turned out.

Relationships of any kind are about compromise, understanding, forgiveness, honesty and caring/love. I think you showed all those qualities in your letter.

The outcome is hurtful and sad – but you did the right thing and at least you’re not going to have future regrets about not sending the letter. You have done what you can.

She’s in a bad place at the moment – she’ll be scared and angry about her illness. Eventually she will think about your letter and appreciate it. She might be too stubborn to retrieve the friendship, but you have acted decently and deep down she’ll know that.

Take heart that you’re a good person. Be kind to yourself.

Hugs.

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[kc5jck]

Scattybird is right AbbyNormal. I can’t think of anything that you haven’t or shouldn’t have done. Try not to let the situation get you down.

Take heart that you’re a good person. Be kind to yourself

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[AbbyNormal]

Thanks so much, you guys! Your kind words helped me relax and feel better. The more I think about it, I agree that although I regret that my timing was horrrrrrible and much delayed, I communicated with love and empathy the best way I knew how. No regrets there.

Love, Abby

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[kc5jck]

Your timing was right for you. Your effort to reconnect was not forced and it was sincere. Hopefully your friend will reconnect when the timing is right for her.

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[kc5jck]

OK, so now if you’re ready to move on . . . a little humor. Hopefully, it’s not too soon for this.

Watching Steve Harvey the other day on TV, he had a girl from the audience ask his advice.

It seems when with a group friends, this girl began talking about one of the other girls whom she though had just left. When in fact, the girl was in the next room and heard all that was said. The comments centered around the other girl’s relationship and desire to get married. The first girl though marriage was a mistake and voiced her thoughts. Number two got offended and now number one is asking Steve what she should do to repair the relationship?

Steve: How many friends do you have?

Girl: Oh about fourteen.

Steve: Well, now you have thirteen. 😆

He then went on to give basically the same advice you have received here. And allowed her to make a public apology on TV.

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[allan wallace]

Ah, this thread has given me some chuckles…it’s so hard getting used to the idea that there are many other people with this condition, and how the ageing process sort of flushes it out into the open, eh? Dreamysomethingorother’s post really gave me a good laugh…I’d get bored with my friends too, and just move onto the next person. It’s the eternal quest for diversions which doesn’t help either, ah well, there isn’t much that can be done to repair the wreckage of countless friendships that are left in our wake. I’m hoping to discover the mystery of sustaining any prospective new friendships that might come along…it’s one of the paradoxes that I waste too much time ruminating on, am I loner by choice, or have I just sub-consciously programmed myself to avoid overwhelming people with my nonsense in order to minimise the adverse effect that I’ve always had on them. People were rarely indifferent to me, they either generally liked me very much, or they wrestled with their own compulsions to inflict a cruel and unusual death upon me… 😆

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[allan wallace]

Erm, so what are the mysterious rules anyway? Did anybody provide a panacea?

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[blackdog]

Ghaaa! Too much too read. Can’t absorb any more.

Totally relate to all of it. Kind of answers the age old question, “What’s wrong with me?”

I have never found the rule book, I don’t keep in touch, I forget birthdays and important things (Or just don’t hear them when they tell me), I talk too much and share too much about things that make people feel uncomfortable, I get Deer in the Headlights Syndrome whenever I am in a group or feel confronted or know I screwed up…..

 

And the list goes on. I hate it when I try to get people to honestly tell me what’s wrong, if I said or did  something wrong, and I only get a vague, generalized answer. Or an answer designed to not hurt my feelings. Or an outright lie. “No, no dear, you didn’t do anything wrong….I’ve just been so busy lately….but you can call/email me anytime…” And then I never hear from them again. Unless I do  call/email, in which case I get a very courteous reply that says absolutely nothing. “Oh, I’ve just been working, still really busy…you have a nice week.”

 

The box. Conformity. Cookie cutter people living in a cookie cutter world where everything is one size, one shape, one colour, one way and one way only. And anyone who doesn’t fit is tossed away with the scraps.

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[Author]

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