ADD, rage and cross cultural parenting

[Tiddler]

Assuming it doesn’t cross that line in your mind and isn’t abuse – she is learning that her anger can be channeled towards the people who love her, that her ADHD can be used as an excuse for bad behaviour and that it’s acceptable to threaten to abandon her children if they don’t do what she wants. She’s learning that anger can’t be controlled if she has ADHD. She’s also learning that it’s not abusive to treat people this way.

If you divorce, she may learn what you suggest. She may learn instead that, if she develops anger problems (and the longer she stays with someone who cannot control his temper, the more likely that is) she will have to learn how to manage it or risk pushing people away. That is probably the best lesson someone with anger management problems can learn – that they have a choice and that so do other people.

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[kc5jck]

I would think that if your daughter doesn’t have a problem with anger now and is otherwise well behaved that she shouldn’t have a problem in the future. I suspect that the brain is most pliable when young which is to say that now is the best time to put in place good habits (which she seems to have) and develop coping skills for life in general even if she doesn’t have ADHD.

There is evidence to suggest that the father-daughter relationship has a big effect on a girl’s self esteem among other things. It surprised me to learn of this. I suspect that the women on this site can attest to this fact. I’m not sure what this means in a case like yours, but is something to consider, perhaps in another forum. If you do divorce because of his ADHD, your daughter sounds like she is sharp enough to recognize the reality of the situation and strive to control her own anger issues as they begin to surface, should they ever.

As you can see, we’re all just full of advice. I hope some of it makes sense and is useful.

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[Tiddler]

Also – I should have clearly stated that I am not suggesting that you should divorce your husband and I hope that he will accept help and work towards a calmer future for you all.

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[Anonymous]

Thanks, Tiddler, that is my hope too. Ideally he will make the hard but right choices and set an example for our daughter should she have similar problems in the future.

I don’t believe I make excuses for or “accept” his angry outbursts, nor have I said that things are okay (clearly things are not okay!) I read over my posts above to try to see where I would have given people that impression, but I don’t see it. I described the situation from both his perspective and mine in the hopes that people with ADD like my husband could give me suggestions about the best way to approach him. Having come from a home where no one ever raised their voice, my first impulse is disgust and to just tell him to grow up. But that likely won’t lead to a good result, you know? My husband has improved, let’s say 70% compared to where he started from. Now I’m trying to figure out how to get him to keep going for that final 30%. Of if he only makes it to 25%, or 20%, is living with that the lesser of two evils between that or getting a divorce? Yes, scattybird, it is very complicated!

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[g.laiya]

wow..this post has brought up so many different issues to consider for you thao, really some great feedback.

it’s made me think about the dynamics in my family too. i also have rage issues. i’ve been on med about a month now, and noticed that while it’s active i’m much less irritable and able to regulate better.and i’m also aware of the problem, and want to be a better role model and a better parent. but i still “lose it” sometimes, especially in the evening , probably a combo of the med fading out and the stress of realizing husband will be coming home and will see the mess and all that that brings with it, and i feel overwhelmed…. i feel like dreck when it happens. last time, about a week ago, i was yelling at the kids, foul language and all…when it happens i feel like someone else has taken over my body for a few minutes the behavior is so off from how i perceive myself or how i want to parent…..after i felt so awful i just went and curled up in bed and cried. i let down my kids and i let down myself by my inappropriate response. the kids came to comfort me, i apologized, and i explained that i really need their help – i can’t do it all myself, they need to be responsible for putting their toys away when they’re done, every day, every time, or it builds to this overwhelming state. i know it’s my fault for not being on top of them regularly about it…it’s so draining – really hard with me, an add mom, with an asd/add 8 year old son and a “4 going on 14” daughter, and their father largely absent due to excessively long work hours and other issues. i know i need to find a better way….

there was a workshop offered at my son’s school last week “parents in control” that sounded like a perfect way to get started. it’s supposed to help you “make rules that work,enforce rules,end pointless and destructive arguments,work together, enjoy your kids again”. i left the leaflet posted next to the front door so i wouldn’t forget. but as it happened it was one of those rushed/stressed to get the boy to school on time mornings…and i completely forgot until i got home. ….should have made an alarm for it i guess. will have to try one at a later date. hmmm, maybe she has a book – will have to check it out – tracy hoberman,lcsw. anybody ever hear of her?

we also have the cultural issues difference. my husband was born in iran, and though he’s been here in u.s. since 8 yo, his family still modeled values in some ways very different from those i grew up with. one major difference is their view on corporal punishment. although he is far more restrained than his family was when he was growing up (really far more) it is still an issue. a couple of years ago he decided it was no longer acceptable for the kids to be naked at home. i know people have varying views, personally i don’t think it’s a big deal, especially at that young age, but agreed to start getting them used to remembering to wear at least underwear. well, one day he came home and daughter (then about 2 1/2 yo) wasn’t wearing underwear, so he put some on her. a few minutes later she took them off – playfully, laughing – like “look baba – come and get me!” – and he responded by spanking her. i was shocked at his response, as was she. he left a big red hand print on her back he hit her so hard. i told him if he ever did that again i would first call his parents, and next the police. not that i had any desire to put him in jail, but i wanted him to know how unacceptable that was. and if he couldn’t control himself then maybe he should go live with his parents until he can. i know it relates to the desire for the kids to be obedient and respect parents and their authority, but it just feels wrong to me to do it by fear of physical pain. there should be consequences for bad behavior, but this is not it.

he did something similar to my son, too, (even worse, in the context) and that is when i started seriously considering moving with the kids without him. unfortunately, i was not in a position financially to support myself and the kids, so felt somewhat trapped. fortunately, he has gotten a lot better over the last couple of years – certainly when i’m around – and he is rarely alone with them, by choice. if i am working and he is off, he will go with them to his parents.

i am also aware of the parental issue of being a role model, and what i am conveying is acceptable behavior or circumstances……and not happy at all about the model we are providing. i would be so sad if either of my kids ended up in a relationship/marriage like ours because they think it’s “normal”…..

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[Anonymous]

I really feel for you, laiya. I know my husband would not last long keeping house and being the primary parent of two children! I respect the fact that you take responsibility for your actions and are actively seeking help. I have no advice, just sympathy.

Oh – about the parental role model thing… I thought my parents had a great marriage and to some extent chose a husband similar to my dad (not the temper, but in other ways). I found out much later that they actually had a lot of problems that we never knew about. If I had known I don’t know if it would have changed my marital choices, but anyway I have decided to be more open with my daughter than my mother was with me. Not when she was your kids’ age, of course, but now that she is stepping into teenhood I talk to her about marital roles, why I made the choices I did and why she might make different choices, etc. I don’t badmouth her dad, and I always try to keep it positive, the thrust of it being that if she is aware and conscious she can take the parts of our marriage she likes but reject the parts she doesn’t like, and hopefully end up with a better marriage than we have.

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