"ADHD is a choice"

[darktendril]

I was talking with my fiance about ADHD the other day (my son has it) and he told me that “all children outgrow ADHD, unless they choose not to”… implying that ADHD adults are faking it or using it as an excuse.   I have not told him that I have an ADHD diagnosis myself.  I just asked him if he thinks people with depression or schizophrenia also choose to be that way 😛

I think I probably should tell him?? It is a fairly recent diagnosis.. but I definitely don’t want to now..

 

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[Sugar_Shane]

at least you aren’t married yet

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[Amy]

If  he’s your fiance, then I would definitely talk to him and tell him.  If you are going to spend the rest of your life together, then you both will have to find ways to work with the ADHD, because it’s going to affect BOTH of your lives.

When you talk to him, I would give some concrete examples of how ADHD affects you (housework, finances, routines, work, etc) and then give some ways that you both will have to work together.

Now that I think about it, I’d suggest doing this to any couple getting married regardless if they have ADHD or not.  Marriage is a partnership that takes a lot of work and compromise.

If he’s open to it, then I would suggest you both read “Is it You, Me, or Adult ADD?” by Gina Pera.  It covers relationships and marriages with ADHD.

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[MarieAngell]

Oh, @Marcelyne, this is such a painful situation. I understand your reluctance to reveal your diagnosis to your fiance.

I hate to be so blunt, but you are setting yourself for a world of trouble if you go much  deeper into this relationship without reaching a place of understanding with your fiance. I’ve been married for almost 25 years, I’m a stepmother,  have an ADHD son and have ADHD myself, so I know what you and your fiance are walking into.

So before you do talk to your fiance, prepare yourself.  You mention you are new to a diagnosis. Are you starting therapy yourself? Is your son in a therapist’s care?

In an ideal world, someone your fiance respects who understands ADHD could explain it properly to him. If you and/or your son are therapy, it’s likely the therapist would be willing to bring in your fiance for a session. In fact, as your fiance integrates in your life, it will be imperative that he understands the ramifications of ADHD. If not a therapist then, perhaps a member of the clergy or a knowledgeable friend, as long as that person really understands ADHD.

But, of course, we don’t live an ideal world, so I’m going to suggest some resources. I’m sure others will jump in. You know your fiance better than we do, of course (duh). Reviewing these resources first yourself  will enable you to become more comfortable  expressing yourself knowledgeably about ADHD. Then you can decide what to share with him to begin helping him understand ADHD.

The videos right here on http://www.TotallyADD.com are outstanding, both the humorous and the serious professional ones. The funny ones can be great for being non-threatening yet informative. For the serious ones, I’m especially fond of those with Dr. Jain, but they are all good.  Sometimes watching a video gets the job done better than a lot of reading. Also, Dr. Ed Hallowell has some excellent videos on YouTube.

In addition to the book @Amy recommends (“It It You Me, or Adult ADD?” by Gina Pera), Dr. Ed Hallowell has several excellent books about various aspects of ADHD in adults and for parenting.  I particularly like Dr. Hallowell’s “Driven to Distraction: Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder from Childhood Through Adulthood.” Dr. Hallowell’s website also has a lot of useful information as well.

Dr. Hallowell ADHD, Mental Health and Counciling

I’ve known people whose views have gone from scoffing to understanding, though it doesn’t usually happen overnight. This may be hard for you to face with your fiance, but it will be worth it in the long run.

 

 

 

 

 

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[Patte Rosebank]

@Marcelyne, this is a very, very difficult situation, for you, your fiance, and your son.

@Amy and @MarieAngell are right.

ADHD is something that has a huge impact on all areas of your life, and the lives of those around you (as you well know).  It has such an impact that it’s legally classified as a disability in many jurisdictions.

And, like any disability, it’s something that both partners need to be fully aware of, because life with someone who has a disability is very different from life with someone who doesn’t.  It will require much more co-operation, help, and understanding, from everyone in the family.

You and your fiance need to sit down and discuss what it is, what it isn’t (i.e., a “choice”), and the impact it can (and WILL) have on your relationship, housekeeping, and especially finances and children.

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Finances are one of the leading causes of arguments in ANY marriage, let alone a marriage in which one or both partner has ADHD.  But in an ADHD marriage, the financial problems are often much worse.

I just finished watching an episode of “Til Debt Do Us Part”, in which it was very clear to me that the husband of the subject couple had ADHD, but neither he nor his wife nor the financial expert/host (Gail Vaz Oxlade) ever mentioned or suspected it.  But to me, all the signs were there.

The wife was the “parent” figure, bossy & controlling, because after the marriage, she’d noticed that she was very capable, but her husband was always screwing up.  She’d had a steady job for years; he’d gone through 4 jobs in rapid succession, because he quickly got bored.

Then, worst of all, he’d decided he could “fix” things, with a big gambling win.  Unfortunately, like most people who go to casinos, he’d only lost…to the tune of about $25,000, which he’d kept hidden from his wife, so she wouldn’t be angry with him.

This couple managed to do the first 2 challenges set by Gail.  However, the 3rd challenge (in which one spouse was blindfolded, and was guided through an obstacle course by the verbal instructions of the other) was too much of a challenge for the wife, who simply couldn’t trust her husband’s directions, and fought him all the way.  It was as if she was the mother, and he was her little boy who had no clue what he was doing, so she had to argue and question him on everything he said.

Gail wasn’t impressed, and it cost them $1,000 out of the $5,000 cheque that they’d have gotten if they’d completed all the challenges properly and learned from them.

This parent-child relationship in the marriage is quite common in ADHD marriages.

In this case, it developed because the wife had only discovered her husband’s financial trouble and gambling addiction AFTER the wedding.  If they’d discussed finances openly & honestly BEFORE getting married, they probably wouldn’t have gotten married, which would have saved them both a lot of grief.

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Now, for the matter of children.

You have a son with ADHD.

If your fiance is openly hostile to the idea of ADHD, and insists it’s a “choice”, then he will treat your son harshly for misbehaving and for doing poorly in school.  This will worsen any self-esteem issues your son already has, as well as increasing any depression and anxiety he might have.

(You know what that’s like, because you yourself have probably been punished for misbehaving and getting low marks, even though you were trying your very hardest.)

Your fiance might even fight against the use of meds for your son, refusing to believe that they’re helping your son.

Not only will all of this affect your son, but it will affect you, as you argue with your fiance, trying to get him to understand that your son is not a bad boy; he is a boy with a disability.  Punishing him for the effects of his disability is as ridiculous and abusive as punishing a child with cerebral palsy for not walking properly.

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These are critical issues, and must be throughly discussed and planned-for, BEFORE you and your fiance get married.  A marriage is a contract, an agreement to live & work together, and both partners must fully understand and agree on everything that it will involve.

If you and your fiance cannot come to an understanding and agreement on something as critical as the disability that you and your son both have, then you really need to think carefully about your possible future together.

It’s far easier and cheaper to get out of a wrong relationship before you’re married, than it is to hire divorce lawyers afterwards.

People with ADHD are far more likely to have at least one divorce, so think this through very carefully.

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[Patte Rosebank]

@Marcelyne, I thought of something else.

You know all those ultra-conservative politicians and preachers, who rant about adultery & homosexuality being so horribly evil…and then get caught doing exactly what they’d ranted against?

Could it be that your fiance is doing the same sort of “protesting too much”?

Maybe he was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, or suspects he has it now, and this is his way of trying to find out how you feel about it, because he doesn’t feel comfortable coming right out and telling you he has it.

Some people do this, to test the waters before plunging in.

It’s worth considering.

 

If you and your fiance BOTH have ADHD, then it will certainly add an interesting set of challenges—and benefits—to your marriage!

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[Robbo]

Wow, that’s really good. Might be on to something important there.

Maybe he was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, or suspects he has it now, and this is his way of trying to find out how you feel about it, because he doesn’t feel comfortable coming right out and telling you he has it.

I wrote a comical  reply to you’re post Marcylene, but decided maybe I should take it slow on the newbee 🙂 lol. I’m glad a few of our finest ladies had some better stuff to share with you. I feel much better now that I’ve practiced a lil bit of self restraint. It’s an interesting approach to take for me. I think I like it.

🙂

because he doesn’t feel comfortable coming right out and telling you he has it.

Sounds like Larry’s got a clue about how us dudes think! that’s priceless. n that’s good. @Marcelyne  you did really good by coming here. I bet you’re off to a super great start!

R-

 

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[Robbo]

Wow, that’s really good. Might be on to something important there.

Maybe he was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, or suspects he has it now, and this is his way of trying to find out how you feel about it, because he doesn’t feel comfortable coming right out and telling you he has it.

I wrote a comical  reply to your post Marcylene, but decided maybe I should take it slow on the newbee 🙂 lol. I’m glad a few of our finest ladies had some better stuff to share with you. I feel  better now that I’ve practiced a lil bit of self restraint. It’s an interesting approach to take for me. I think I like it. Might even try this again some day…

🙂

because he doesn’t feel comfortable coming right out and telling you he has it.

Sounds like Larry’s got a clue about how us dudes think! that’s priceless. n that’s good. @Marcelyne  you did really good by coming here. I bet you’re off to a super great start!

This is encouragement. Please feel encouraged.

R-

 

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[allan wallace]

Hmmm, I’d just blurt it out I reckon. If the diagnosis was something like ‘bi-polar sociopath with paranoid schizophrenic delusions garnished with an anti-social personality disorder’ or something similar I’d keep probably keep that to myself lol….

You’ve gotta tell him, no way around it! ADHD shouldn’t matter one iota if he loves you, and if he gives you a hard time about then you know what you have to do without me suggesting it…bear in mind that I’m no Dr.Phil though, and my track record with relationships is best not discussed. I think that some of my ex-girlfriends still burn my effigies to this day, and I’ve been married for nearly 16 years!

Anyway, g’day 🙂

If it all goes pear shaped maybe we could….

Don’t worry, just kidding 🙂 Good luck with it all…

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[MarieAngell]

@Marcelyne, in discussing ADHD with your fiance, or with anyone who doesn’t “believe” in ADHD, it’s good to them ask to explain. Listen openly and without defense. There are many reasons people feel this way and those reasons can be addressed once they’ve had their say.

I wholeheartedly agree with Allan Wallace–your fiance must be come to a basic understanding of ADHD. He may come even come to his own conclusion that you have ADHD when he is told about the genetic component, which will make discussions that follow easier.

 

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