Advise from the grilfriend

[William]

I had got an e-mail from my girlfriend as follows, “Maybe if you didn’t dwell on the ADHD and work on making it a priority to change yourself it wouldn’t seem so bad. I believe you can change behavior if you really want to.” is she right or does she not understand Adult ADHD?

REPORT ABUSE

[Wgreen]

Ooooh, I want a shot at this. But I’m not going to go first.

REPORT ABUSE

[nellie]

Perhaps it doesn’t sound so bad if you re-phrase it : Now that you know that you have ADD you can work on identifying the habits that are giving you trouble and try to develop strategies to counteract them. Perhaps she doesn’t realize the effort involved in an ADD context but it sounds like there are elements to your behaviour that she feels need to be changed – ADD or not.

REPORT ABUSE

[munchkin]

I suspect she doesn’t have realistic expectations about what it’s going to take to change your behavior, and how much better it can or cannot get, and how long that will take…

She doesn’t have ADHD, so from her point of view, you must not really want to improve, or you would do it. This is how it works in her own life, and she doesn’t know anything different… She has no way of knowing how unsupportive this sounds…

I don’t know you, so I have no idea if some of that might be right… do you think you are dwelling on aspects of ADHD that are holding you back? Do you think you might be depressed, which is keeping you from pursuing treatment and lifestyle changes that could help you improve?

I bet she does care, and maybe she would be willing to learn more or read up on ADHD in order to be a better support person. I don’t think what she emailed you was super constructive, but she probably woudn’t say if she didn’t care… She took the time to try to communicate with you and voice her perception of the situation – it’s a start?

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

she sent an email? you have to talk about your disorder with your girlfriend by email?

hey, maybe if I squint harder, I can read without my glasses. I’m probably just not trying hard enough.

REPORT ABUSE

[nellie]

I bet this going to turn into one of these posts where we all go on and on and on but William will never check back and probably doesn’t really exist

But anyway…

Let’s not read something that’s not there. Just because someone doesn’t have ADD doesn’t mean they are denying it exists. I don’t think having ADD means you can’t improve certain aspects of yourself. How you change something simple may require different strategies from what works for someone who is not ADD. There’s always room for improvement.

To stretch your analogy no_dopamine – Just because you have bad eyesight doesn’t mean you are doomed to blindness – you may just have to wear heavy coke bottle glasses. Now if you’re blind in the first place that’s a different story. But you can still get a Guide dog and get out of the house if you choose to. Everything is relative.

And quite frankly some of us do tend to go on and on about the ADD when we find out. To those around us it must get tiring.

REPORT ABUSE

[Scattybird]

Goodness, I never thought about people not really existing nellie. Guess that’s me being naive and not an ADD trait!

Best thing you can do William is to point your girlfriend in the direction of some of the posts on this forum. I guess it’s difficult for a non-ADDer to understand. Imagine a so called ‘normal’ looking at my life for instance. I would just appear as an irritable lazy slob. There’s no reason for ‘them’ to understand there’s a block stopping me from doing what should be done (assuming I even notice what should be done!), OR why I have so many half started and incomplete tasks.

It’s hard not to dwell on it once you’ve go a diagnosis, but then you can move forward hopefully.

I have only told one close friend about it. I jokingly said in my defence at work (I hadn’t done something despite numerous reminders) that I couldn’t remember because I had an attention problem. The response was a groan and “you’re not hiding behind that excuse are you”. So I’m guessing unless you have it, there will be little understanding from that linear section of society.

So William, she is not right, she doesn’t understand ADHD. However, you do understand it hopefully or are starting to understand it in your own context, so you can perhaps modify things that annoy her. On the other hand, it’s a mistake thinking someone will change as a relationship develops, so maybe you need to sit down and discuss things with her as no-dopamine suggests.

Of course I am hopeless with relationships so best not to take my advice! My initial thought was to tell her to take a hike (out of your life) but the meds kicked in during writing this and they must work because that wasn’t my first suggestion!!

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

wow, I typed a long post and it completely disappeared!

I agree with scattybird: the meds kicked in during writing this and they must work because that wasn’t my first suggestion!! – quite often I type a post and then delete it completely. I have to impulsive respond, but with the meds, I can manage to delete it instead of sending it.

I sure dwelled on the ADD during the quest to find out what it was, if I had it, and to talk to others about it. I also went through a kind of grieving process looking back on my life through the ADD filter. And I needed to talk to someone about it all, especially my husband (also ADD) – that’s been really important since we both need to understand how our behaviours affect each other and how we can work together to capitalize on our strengths (including meds effectiveness) and minimize our weaknesses. It’s hard work, and it takes time. We’re far from being ready to just move on, and it’s been a year for me.

Fortunately the meds are helping for us. They work hand in hand with behavioural change, for us. I’ve heard this from other professionals too, a combination of therapies is often more powerful than either alone (cranial sacral therapy combined with orthodontal work in preparation for elective major jaw surgery, for example, which I went through).

Back to the girlfriend’s email: “Maybe if you didn’t dwell on the ADHD and work on making it a priority to change yourself it wouldn’t seem so bad. I believe you can change behavior if you really want to.” – I’m sorry, but this still sounds like the same ignorant (meaning lack of knowledge) response that many of us hear. “You could change, but you don’t want to”. “If you loved me, you’d change”.

If it were me, I’d sit down face to face with the person (NOT email), and tell them that I have a disorder, that it’s not curable but treatable, and that it requires understanding and support from the people closest to me to be able to live with it regardless of whether treatment is effective or not. If she’s not willing to participate any further in talking about it or learning more about it from a non-ADDer’s perspective, then you may have a bigger problem than either of you are willing to address.

Good luck, let us know how it goes.

REPORT ABUSE

[William]

I was told that I have Adult ADHD inattentive a few years back, I am now 56. I always knew something was wrong and have been told that I am depressed, but something was missing or should I say. was still there. Those who don’t suffer from ADHD or have a family member that has ADHD don’t understand. They in most think your lazy. I like the replies I have gotten here and hope to learn from them. Hope to hear more from you guys.

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

William, my husband is sure he has the inattentive ADHD, but Ritalin (stimulant for ADD) didn’t help him. He just about hit rock bottom about a month ago, I went with him to the GP – he was finally able to accept the fact that he had depression, it was a severe eposide, and that it wasn’t going to get better by itself (that’s a direct quote from our psychotherapis). GP put him on antidepressants, just a low dose. There was an immediate change. He’s much better with the meds.

If you haven’t had a formal diagnosis, it’s well worth the time and effort. A good doc will investigate many other possibilities that might mimic ADHD, or be present alongside ADHD. When it comes to meds and other forms of treatment, it makes sense to get advice and help from people who are experienced in adult ADHD. They’re not easy to find.

I’m 56 years old. It’s never too late to take a step towards a better quality of life.

REPORT ABUSE

[William]

I have been on anti-depressants for years, but finally got tested for ADHD. I was told that I have inattentive ADHD. I always felt something else was wrong with me.

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you are on the right track, so what’s the next step? Have you been given any advice or treatment options?

REPORT ABUSE

[billd]

Real person or not, the message that was supposedly sent is one of the most insulting things – and what most of us endured all through childhood, and if folks would read info on some OTHER sites, would see it simply ain’t so. ADHD isn’t a choice. (jusg as other conditions – or aspects of “being different” isn’t a choice. ADHD is a medical condition where in some cases it’s been shown parts of the brain are smaller, not functioning properly, maybe inactive or less active, actually several possible causes. Simply “wanting to change” and “working harder” or “he could change if he wanted to” is the ultimate insult to those of us with ADHD that’s fairly severe.

Some even here are implying that all I need to do is decide to change, to work harder. Trust me, I’m totally exhausted at the end of the day from trying so hard.

If it was that bloody simple, we’d certainly not need any forums or support or meds – it would be a choice and counseling could fix it all.

Maybe for SOME here, simply trying harder works. But that’s not the majority, not even close, it’s the view of some who hang here because this forum fits their personality and beliefs. You can’t judge ADHD even by the members here because folks with certain types of ADHD, certain severities, etc. will end up in different places. it’s like visitng a hospital that specializes in heart care, then reporting back that most people who are sick have heart issues. No, most people with heart issues go to that hospital.

that’s a long ADHD way of saying I agree with scatty and my meds have WORN OFF………… it’s late here, and I’m 3 hours out of the meds effects.

I’m an intelligent person, I’ve studied psychology and did quit well at it, i’ve lived over 5 decades, i’ve tried all sorts of things, I realized how my son was, and how my mother was, and didn’t want to “be like that”, but no no avail. It’s not a choice, it’s a block that in some cases, actually many cases, can’t simply be walked around by trying harder. That’s what our unknowing grade school teachers tried to convince our parents 45 years ago.

3rd marriage, lost track of jobs, 3rd career, all the losses and rewards – don’t think I’m not trying or haven’t been trying hard.

Doesn’t mean I’m not trying – I am, but I realize now finally that I need help – and I believe I’ve found a key – now I just need to find the correct combination of notches in that key so I can finally walk through the door and find more successes.

I almost feel at times like some folks actually believed what they were told all those years ago in school……… and I also at times question the diagnosis some folks were given.

REPORT ABUSE

[Wgreen]

You tell ’em Billd. You tell ’em!

—”I believe you can change behavior if you really want to.”

To change or not to change, that is the $64 question. It really does boil down to whether that assertion is true or… misguided. If it’s true, then Billd is right—we don’t need any forums, or support, or meds, except perhaps something to help us calm down. What we need is a kick in the pants. If our free will is unimpaired, then we have no excuse. We need to get off our rear ends and get to work. We need to clean the house, get organized, get a good job, and… get happy! And certainly, we should stop whining and wasting our time on ADD forums.

Ah, but… what if it’s NOT entirely true? What if it really is possible for a moral will to be compromised by dint of neurological accident? O-o-o-h, that’s a bunker-buster bomb. Most religions (and philosophies)—Western and Eastern—as well as personal relationships rest on the pillar of free choice. And here we ADDers are asserting that, at least to some extent, our free wills are disabled. We cannot “will” to pay attention. We cannot “will” to get organized. We cannot “will” to behave in certain ways. Or so we say. And to make our point, we send people to Russ Barkley videos on Youtube. He cites one study after another and claims ADD brains are “bifurcated.” Indeed, he says, our ability to act on rational decisions is compromised.

So, then, this brings us around to the very nature of this thing we call ADD. Is it just a penchant for losing keys and a knack for the creative and gregarious? Or does it, as alleged, really produce a dysfunction of the moral will? If it’s the latter, it’s serious business. In that case, perhaps we should call it Personal Integrity Disorder, because it strips us not just of our ability to remember something cooking on the stove (bad enough), but of our ability to make prudent, loving life choices. It’s an affliction that attacks the soul and, by extension, our very humanity.

Many people simply refuse to accept this. No explanation will suffice. Hey, I never wanted to believe it either. We all want to believe we’re in control of our choices and largely in control of our destiny. We want to be able to tell our partners, “Yes dear, I’ll keep the house clean, the laundry washed, and the bank account full!”

If only.

William, you could try to explain that you suffer from a biologically impaired free will. But I think I’d have my bags packed and the engine running.

REPORT ABUSE

[billd]

I worked at On With Life, Inc, in Ankeny Iowa.

Head injury rehab facility – state of the art, best medical and neuropsychologists and therapists they could get.

I was there day after day, I ran the building and grounds, security, IT and all communications, safety and security. I worked pretty closely with some of ’em, and got to know many of the clients personally.

There are some things that just aren’t easily fixed – these folks often with a bump in the head would lose all inhibitions (you don’t want to know the fluids the nurses might have to clean up at times) had anger issues, bad memory…….. hmm, interesting parallels at times.

Even the “graduates” and success stories often had impairments that followed them for the rest of their lives.

I’m not saying to give up and not try, geesh, I found myself in the middle of some improvements myself…….. however……..

Oops – gotta run, more later!

REPORT ABUSE

[Author]

Posts