Another soul that rants

[redarno]

Hi people!

Im new here and i dont really know in which category to put this thread

but i really need to get this all off my head. I fear its going to be a looooong message…Because I love to complain ?

 

Im a 24 years old failure actually, nothing seems to work or improve in this life and i don’t even know where to start…

I’ve been ‘unofficially’ diagnosed with ADD 8 months ago, innatentive type with no hyperactivity. I came across a forum about the disorder during one of those contemplative nights on the internet trying to find the miracle solution to my issues.

I don’t know which is comorbid to which but i also have kalmann syndrom which, along with a physical complex i can’t seem to get over, made me unable to smell anything and deaf in one ear.

Which is great when you have an innatention disorder because it makes focusing on a conversation almost impossible if you’re standing on the wrong side. Or when there are many people around. And eventually makes you look stupid because all you can give to the one person talking to you is a dumb stare.

 

I’m having a hard time putting my feelings in words here, everything flows in my head very quickly but my mind goes blank as i stare at my keyboard

I guess what im trying to say is that ive hit the bottom :

My life is a succession of failures and ive gotten to the point where i dont even want to try anymore.

I’m at ground zero career-wise : I wasnt particularly bad at ‘school’ as a kid, I never repeated and had to make efforts to graduate but it’s since then that things have gotten worse, Im here after 3 different schools in all of which i only did one year and dropped out the fourth one at the end of the second year because i felt that i had to change sector but the point in this is how dysfunctional i am because i realized this is all i had been doing these past years : try, can’t get it right, move elsewhere, repeat

But this has gotten me nowhere : I could be finding a job if i actually trained enough to better myself in my domain (3d/2d art) and of course if i even tried to apply more than the pathetic 3 letters a month i send to companies, but i just dont.

All I can see or hear is how i’m going to fail, it seems nothing i do is ever good enough and i end up disappointed in my trials afterwards, not to mention the fact that completing one lousy project takes me an incredible amount of time whereas i see others complete several similar projects in half the time i need to complete one.

And man, did i have projects : stories, comics, paintings, music, short movies

The number of finished personal projects i reached before graduating high school was 3. Motherf*****g 3!

And close to none after that.I work quite well under pressure and have a tendency to only get moving at the last minute which could work well on some school projects (i agree hyperfocus is great, but it happens every 10 000 days for me), but since those where combined with others at the same time i couldn’t ever put any effort to do any of them right.

All of my work feels rushed and unfinished when it is. Since its a neurological condition that i have to cope with for life which is responsible, what is th point of even trying?

Lately it appeared that things were going better : i boarded a video game project with former classmates wich was going pretty good, I got myself to start writing one of the stories i had in mind, I felt that this time i had kind of found my place.

Then the global game jam happened. It’s this ‘contest’ where you meet with several other people to create a VG in 48 hours.I attended with the former classmates i was on a project with.

It was a f*****g nightmare.

It took me the whole first night, despite Concerta , to get to modelize and animate a ‘mechanical red blood cell'(yes seriously ^^) and a gun. 12 hours no less when one of my ‘friends’ who was there with me did like 4 complex objects in barely 4 hours .I had troubles understanding what my ‘coworkers’ wanted me to do and a harder time figuring how to do and go through with it.

Things got better when i got to do the music and sounds effects of the said game where things actually flowed quite smoothly and i even got my perplex coworkers to admit they were afraid i was just some dead weight but actually proved useful. F*****g A. Useless in the end because the project master shut the sound off during the demo. So i was left with having designed the ugliest props in the game. Yay.

The point im trying to make here is i discovered how inefficient i am in a sector that demands efficiency, so should i ever find a job in this I can never keep it. That’s a lot of money my parents wasted on nothing apparently.

So i will be stuck with handling jobs which i can’t keep up with for more than two weeks because it bores me. Yes. Failure.

I’ve tried to ask myself what i should do now, but my mind goes blank. Everytime. So now i’m stuck with the image of a big wall when i think about the future, which still feels as distant as when i was a kid.

 

 

It is the same with relashionships : failure. No matter what i do i can’t seem to figure out how to deal with anyone including my family (parents, brother and sisters) Exactly like mister davis “everytime i get ahead, i feel more dead”

I can’t reach any of them and even during my good days i end up feeling rejected and misunderstood.People just don’t give a damn. Every time i try to talk/show my work to someone, that person changes subject or don’t pay attention

Every year i had to go through that moment where a person you thought you bounded with doesn’t give a shit about you anymore and starts talking behind your back overnight .

Every. F******g. Time.

I have friends, but i only feel like such when im alone with just one of them. As soon as another person joins the party mind goes blank again. Worse it seems that i have some invisibility power that triggers at that same moment because the two people just…stop noticing or listening to me.

And i cant get past that look on every new face i see that shouts : “you suck”

I ve never been able to be anyones close friend. I’m the jester at best because the only way i found to get attention is to make a fool of myself but as a result i feel like a fool when im around anyone. Which gets worst with all the times i answer completely out of place, try to make a point but forget what i tried to say at the middle of the sentence or just babble unintelligible gibberish because my brain won’t find the word(s).

Ive realized with much horror that i am the one who seem cold and uncaring, because i actually am. I only think about myself and all those times where i tried to comfort people i care about was because i was afraid to lose them.

I’d say that i would want to give these people more than i can, but i also realize that they don’t expect more from me. I feel a million miles away from the whole world and im back to those days where being with people hurts.

 

Ive had my share of therapies but none of them worked. The antidepressant i had at one point worked as placebos but nothing changed about motivation and project setup.

Eventually, the same old situations just started again as soon as i got around people and studies

So when i learned about ADD i thought that maybe it was the end of the night, that things could actually get to improve from that point but actually it’s worse.

Ive read books about it, I tried coaching, meditation, medication but nothing worked BECAUSE I COULDNT GET MYSELF TO GO THROUGH ANY OF IT

I tried Quasym (equivalent to ritalin) and concerta but none of them seemed to help. Concerta (108 mg/day) is helping a little concentration-wise but really that’s about it im not even sure that i am not just fooling myself out of disbelief.

Quasym aggravated the symptoms. I felt dizzy, more restless and aggressive than ever and completely unable to focus on anything.

From what i’ve heard medication is expected to work if you are already well settled in life but now I feel even more bored with starting anything because i know i won’t finish it,

Not to mention the fact that it will suck and no one will see it anyway

I don’t want to see anyone because it’ll just remind me that i don’t belong

I don’t want to do anything because my brain automatically sends up messages about the way things are NOT going to work

So now i’m stuck here in my room while every one i know gets married, a job they like

 

And still i had that inner voice that shouted at myself to get going, but now it’s gone silent cause i know i can’t help doing nothing.

 

In the end all i see is how much more than everyone i will have to struggle only to get half they do.  I don’t see the point in trying anymore since i have been apparently cursed with a brain that works against me.  Ive always been kinda depressed but now I feel like giving up.

I mean what’s the point in having dreams if your body works against you to the point you have to drop each and every one of them?

Im tired of living but i don’t even have the balls to off myself.

 

PS : I reread my post and realize it makes no sense but whatever.

Thanks for reading this ultra long rant.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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[Patte Rosebank]

@redarno, your post makes perfect sense to me.  It sounds like you do have ADD, and that your struggles with it have given you depression, as well.

Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.

One of the most important things to remember is that IQ (how smart you are) is nowhere near as important as EQ (how well you can use it, by interacting with others).  There are a lot of us who have very high IQs, but have struggled with things that most people find very easy.

ADD/ADHD is a learning disability, like dyslexia or dyscalculia, but it doesn’t have the street cred that they do, because of all the misinformation & hype out there.  There are also a lot of people who have ADD/ADHD and another learning disability or two.

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As for not being able to get through the books, it’s because our brains work differently, so we learn differently.  Often, we learn better from audio-visual presentations than from reading, because they engage more of our senses.

Try visiting the Videos section of TotallyADD.  (http://totallyadd.com/videos/)

There are videos from experts (http://totallyadd.com/category/experts).

And videos with tips on how to take control of your ADD (http://totallyadd.com/category/mastering-your-adhd).

And there are some funny videos in there too, like “Bill’s ADDventures”, featuring our poster boy—whom you may have seen on “The Red Green Show” (http://totallyadd.com/category/bills-addventures).  You might want to start with these, because it sounds like you really need to laugh right now.

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As for the meds, the best way to think of them is, they’re the training wheels that will help you to implement the structures you need, in order to get the best of your ADD, while minimizing the problems it can cause.  But you still need to learn how to “ride that bike”.

Concerta and Ritalin are the same drug, but with different delivery systems.  Ritalin releases it all at once, then tapers off over a few hours.  Concerta gives you a bit of a release at first, then gradually ramps up the dose, then gradually tapers it off, over a much longer time.

There are other meds which are also the same drug, but with a slightly different delivery method.  And there are other meds which are different drugs.  And the only way to find the right med(s) and dose(s), is by trial-and-error.  This is the really frustrating part, but it’s worth it!

108 mg/day of Concerta is quite high.  Did your doctor start you at the lowest dose, and gradually try higher doses?  Or were you started at that high dose from the start?  And is it real Concerta or one of the generics.  This is very important, because Concerta is Concerta because of its unique osmotic delivery system.  Generic versions of it do not use this system, so they are NOT an equivalent to real Concerta.

All things to discuss with your doctor!

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Now that you’ve found TotallyADD.com, you’ll find that life gets easier.  This is because it’s hugely helpful to talk about your ups and downs with others who are going through the same sorts of things.  It’s a virtual support group!

Welcome aboard!

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[Takingbacktyler]

Hi Redarno. The good news ( i know its hard to believe) is that you know now your enemy. There is something to be said for that. 24 years old gives you alot of time to rebuild. I know it seems virtually impossible considering how your probably feel right now but it is possible.
I hope this does not come off as to ” positive” or piss you off but I think alot of being somewhat happy with ADD or ADHD is changing what it is that you want to accomplish with your life. It sounds like your very skilled in some areas. If you as a child aspire to be an olympic runner and as an adult lose your legs it may be time to re asses the dream and build it around what you can do.
Thanks for sharing your feelings with us.

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[redarno]

Thanks for your answer and welcome !

It’s nice

 

For the concerta, it’s the real thing, 54 mg/pill and i take 2 on the morning but i really don’t see much difference…

That was the dose i was given from the start, but i heard somewhere that the effects can actually be cancelled if the dose is too high…but even at just 54 mg there seem to be no effect.

 

The point is i live in france and it seems doctors are really outdated when it comes to ADD :

the neurologist who prescribed me the meds only knows of these two drugs so i don’t really know where to look next…

 

And btw thanks for the “Bill’s ADDventures” links, yes i really needed that^^

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[redarno]

@ Takingbacktyler

sorry i hadn’t seen your post…

 

No on the contrary it does not piss me off, it’s good too hear that it’s not hopeless.

But it’s true it might be time to re evaluate , as you said, what i feel like doing with my life.

Thanks for listening

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