Avoiding sex, yet addicted to sex?

[Anonymous]

My relationship with my Inattentive Type ADHD boyfriend is really doing a number on my self esteem and I haven’t been able to find anyone in the forums who is experiencing this particular problem. When ADHD related sexual problems occur, it seems to be either a case of avoiding sex completely or hyperfocusing on it, sometimes to the point of addiction. But what if your partner seems to have a strip club addiction, losing tons of cash and ending up in deep financial trouble for years, and yet constantly avoids having sex with YOU? He is incredibly affectionate and cuddly and sweet, but NEVER initiates sex with me. We’ve been together for 10 months and the first two weeks he seemed totally “normal” sexually, but as the sex dropped off I started to panic. I’m a very sexual person and have never experienced this kind of rejection on such a regular basis with a male partner. I begin to feel scared to initiate because I know there’s a very good chance he won’t respond. At this point we are having sex maybe 2-3 times a month, which just does NOT cut it for me! I have tried on numerous occasions to discuss this with him but he never ever wants to talk about it, says there’s not a problem, and insists that if I don’t feel good about myself then that’s not his problem. This is infuriating since I’ve always been a very sexually confident woman. He doesn’t flirt with me, or do any kind of sexy play with me, and when we do have sex, he’s very distant and distracted. It feels like he’s “not there.” He spaces out, chews his nails, yawns sometimes, and stares off into the distance. Meanwhile, he is going to strip clubs and any time something even vaguely sexy comes into the picture (something on tv, or some mention of sex), he perks right up as though it’s the most interesting thing in the world. I’ve tried everything! Conversations about sex, toys, dressing up, initiating more, initiating less, making direct suggestions, dropping subtle hints, absolutely everything, all to no avail. He literally ignores me if I put something sexy on. Recently while holiday shopping, he acted excited as hell to go into a Victoria’s Secret (where I’d purchased something new to wear for him just the previous week and he didn’t even notice), but once we were in there for about 10 minutes, I found him wandering outside the store in the mall hallway. I had suggested he pick something out for me and I would buy it, and he said ok, but just like with everything else, it didn’t happen. I know he used to work in a club and also used to date a dancer years ago. I feel like I can’t compete. How am I supposed to NOT let this affect my self esteem? When I accuse him of not being attracted to me, he insists that he is, but I don’t see any evidence of that. Please help! I feel so neglected and rejected.

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[kc5jck]

Perhaps he is having “commitment” issues. Afraid of a long term commitment, afraid of being hurt if you leave him. Perhaps one of these thoughts is causing him anxieties.

You might reexamine your reasons for staying in the relationship and your long term goals.

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[Anonymous]

I think you had it right when you said addiction, porn is a powerful addiction.

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[Anonymous]

I don’t really think it’s commitment issues. He pursued me pretty strongly and always wants to spend tons of time together. Introduced me to his mother and has encouraged me to develop a strong relationship with her, and took me across state to meet his dad and his sister. He treats my dog like his own, calls me his girlfriend, and is very consistent in terms of calling, etc. As far as porn goes, I’m not particularly concerned about that. I’ve even tried to get him to watch with me, but he doesn’t seem interested. It’s pretty much just the clubs, and I think he hides it a lot when he goes. Pretty sure he also gets the phone numbers of dancers while he’s there, but I don’t think he could be sleeping with anyone else since we’re in such constant contact. Plus, he basically lives with his mother. I know that his last girlfriend left him because he didn’t make enough money. It’s almost as though he makes all the right moves TOWARDS a commitment. Except he avoids sex with me. I could understand if he just wasn’t that into me, but all other evidence seems to indicate that he is. It’s so confusing! Thanks so much for your responses…it really helps to talk about this!

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[Anonymous]

just guessing but porn is stimulating, though to be honest, i found strippers boring … no fantasy etc,

but most of the adhd drugs i have been on do impact on performance and drive … lack of drugss is going

to increase distraction abiltiy .. not tothe point of wandering off mid way but yes , not attentive.

could be adhd you are seeing and or drugs

i had a boss who took me to strip clubs to celebrate every month that my department had national figures …

lol it wasnt an incentive, but i couldnt quite tell him that I would rather watch women on the street … we are all soo different

bottom line though is if he wont talk to you … assume that is how he is … not going to be much help in a relationship / good luck

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[Anonymous]

Thanks, Tea. My guy has been unmedicated, literally until YESTERDAY. It was his first day on Strattera. So our sex issues have not been influenced by meds at all. As for the clubs, I think he gets a lot of private lap dances, which is much more intimate contact than just watching dancers on stage. I’ve found phone numbers of women written on paper that’s clearly from a club, and texts in his phone in the middle of the night that I suspect are from dancers. He lies about it all and it’s breaking my heart. I wouldn’t even care THAT much if he were as eager to have sex with ME as he is to be with these other women. But he’s not

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[Anonymous]

Eager … you are extremely generous to let the lap dances slide by.

More than a few women I know [that i remember knowing]

would not be amused if i were out getting lap dances

… perhaps you should consider the implications to date … good luck

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[Anonymous]

@Tea: what do you mean “the implications to date”? Do you think the lap dances mean he’s not in love with me?

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[Tiddler]

This is a really delicate situation and no-one here can really advise you what to do as we don’t know you.

That said, your boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with you and you are feeling rejected as well as sexually frustrated.

Your boyfriend is having lap dances and getting girls’ phone numbers.

He is talking to girls by text.

You say he’s eager to be with these other women.

He doesn’t respond to you sexually.

He doesn’t respond to your concerns when you try to address this issue with him.

On the other hand, he’s very attentive otherwise, keen to be with you and to have you involved with his family.

Is it possible that he’s got some deep sexual hang-ups and would rather have sex with random women than someone he’s close to?

Whatever the problem is, it’s something I think you need professional help with. It doesn’t sound like he’d go with you, but maybe it would be useful for you to talk about what you want out of the relationship and how much sexual contact with other women you’re comfortable with him having. (By sexual contact, I mean exchanging numbers, lap dances etc. I am not suggesting that he’s having sex with these women.)

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[Tiddler]

Sorry, I missed the part about him losing tons of cash and being in deep financial trouble because of these women.

This is a very serious situation. He’s been in this situation a very long time by the sound of it, and you’ve been together for 10 months. You presumably want him to change this behaviour. Do you think he can? Do you think he wants to?

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[Anonymous]

not that but … if it were me and i was being cut off as it were, … i couldnt be easy with my partner getting lap dances,

but i am older, have never been willing to share and .. between drugs and adhd, not that confident of my thinking or

writing ….if you are ok with him having lap dances and what ever else that is great, I couldn’t be, i don’t think I would be.

I think that the real issue is that he seems unwilling to talk to you … i would be at a loss in this adhd mess without

being able to talk to my wife/partner .. even though i am at times a total pain … so the not talking to you is what

I was reacting to .. and unless he is really young , … well I’m just not sure if I would hang around … clearly,

you are in pain .. emotionally, is it worth it?

honestly though, sex is a minefield .. or battleground if you like Pat Benatar … it is insane to make suggestions 😆

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[Anonymous]

Tiddler makes some great points.

Speak to someone you trust, consider what you want .. do you think you will change him, realistically adhd and all ?

And is the stress you have now between sex and money, the lack of, is that something you want to have often ?

best of luck, i am really not qualified for this .. there is a book … is it me or adhd that may be usefull and a web site. best

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[Anonymous]

Well, I don’t want to misrepresent the situation. I mean, we DO have sex…I haven’t been “cut off.” It’s just not as often or as focused as I’d like it to be. Also, he DOES talk to me about the ADD…just not the sex. Breaks my heart and yes, I am definitely in emotional pain but I’m trying to stick by him until he can get some treatment. I don’t want to abandon him, nor do I want to lose him. I love him, but I haven’t said so because I’m scared. He’s not young…he’s 34 and I’m 38. And yeah…who doesn’t like Pat Benatar? (especially from my generation). I would be willing to forgive all past lies and potential infidelities if we could just start fresh. But I can’t forgive what doesn’t get acknowledged. And yes, I”m right in the middle of reading “Is it You, Me, or Adult ADD.” As for money, we don’t live together and I do a good job of taking care of myself, so his finances are his business.

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[Anonymous]

oh, Tiddler I missed your earlier post…man, thanks so much you guys. As for “changing,” no, I don’t think I myself can change him. He has to do that on his own. And yes, I DO think he wants to. I am in individual therapy and talking a lot about this with my therapist. He has his first therapy appointment tomorrow, but I’m afraid he won’t tell his therapist about this addiction. I think he’ll just focus on the other ADD symptoms that are getting him into trouble…which is good, he should do that, but I think he might ignore this one giant thing, this elephant in the room.

Oh and that’s a big YES…i DO think he may have some deep sexual hangups. There may be some trauma there but I sure don’t want to assume.

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[Tiddler]

I’m so glad you’re both getting help. With a good counsellor, even the elephant can find a way to be seen.

Best of luck to you.

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[Author]

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