Avoiding sex, yet addicted to sex?

[Patte Rosebank]

That’s funny. Porn films put me right to sleep. Except for one. It was “The Seven Deadly Sins” (1999), and each segment was a comedy sketch. It had actual *characters*, and the sex acts were motivated by the plot. It was hilarious!

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[Patte Rosebank]

@Eagerhelper, it definitely seems as if your husband’s behaviour was caused by undiagnosed, untreated ADHD. And that Strattera is the treatment that works for him. Isn’t it wonderful how one diagnosis and one little pill can make such a difference?

The meds are just a first step. They make it easier to implement the necessary changes in your husband’s routine, to enable him to function better. If those changes are done right, your husband may be able to reduce the amount of meds, or even eliminate them altogether. But that’s a big “maybe”. Some of us can do that, but some of us have such severe symptoms that we’ll need the meds for the rest of our lives. It’s not a personal failing if we need to stay on the meds; it’s just how our individual brains are wired.

In the meantime, there are some great books to help you and your husband understand what having ADHD really means for the person who has it, and the people who have to live or work with them, plus give you an idea of the changes you need to make to your routine, to minimize the problems of having ADHD, and maximize the benefits of it. And there are lots of benefits!

I suggest “You Mean I’m Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?” (by Kate Kelly & Peggy Ramundo) and “Taking Charge of Adult ADHD” (by Russell A. Barkley). And Rick & Dr. Jain have just released their own book: “ADD Stole My Car Keys”.

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[Anonymous]

Thanks, everyone! For the record, this is my boyfriend, not my husband. And I certainly never had a doubt that ADHD was real. I’ve spent months educating myself about it. And yes, I’m familiar with all of the books you recommend here, Larynxa. I hope I can continue to report on this amazing progress…I still feel a little worried that it’s going to disappear. I really appreciate everyone’s support

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[starcat81]

I’m going through something in the same vein as you. (http://totallyadd.com/forum/topic.php?id=2183)

My boyfriend is also on Strattera and I noticed a change in him quite quickly. But it’s been a few months now and things are slowly falling back down. He’s miserable at his job and that’s not helping our situation any. I’m hoping maybe a change in dosage might do the trick. He’s still on the lowest dose.

It’s awesome that you’re learning about ADD/ADHD. I have it, too, so I get to live in the same wacky world as he does. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing…haha. I suppose time will tell.

I’ll have to keep an eye on this topic and see how things are for you guys. I’m hoping with perhaps a change in dose and some more therapy he can work through whatever is going on.

Gook luck to you guys!

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[Anonymous]

starcat,

The change in dosage seems like an automatic that the doctor should have already initiated

I am so fortunate to be going to the Hallowell clinic in Massachusetts who are top experts in ADD/ADHD. I have been on medication

for about 7 weeks and my dosage has changed three times. The objective is to reach the dose that provides that best response and at the same time side effects are minimal (or none)

I would be curious who is managing your boyfriends ADHD and how often are the visits

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[Anonymous]

Robert .

Hi, I live in BC Canada, and was diagnosed ADHD, with anxiety and depression,

Psychiatrist started me on 300 wellbutrin and 40 mg Strattera . i was told that Strattera can take 6 weeks or more

to have an impact. Last month, I started taking 80 m of Strattera and the Wellbutrin .. since i have to pay for them

myself, I haven’t done the generics.

So far, no change .. still distracted, impulsive, hyper, interupting, indecisive anxious, a few side effects,

dry mouth and urine retention which can be moderated by drinking water .. .. but no change that we have seen.

Have they given you any idea as to how long it can take to find the optimal dosage?

I have read the Hallowell’s books, you are fortunate. I am confident that my psych and doctors know enough

about ADHD and meds to not mess up .. but I am not good at waiting, even though I have had ADHD for 60 years

and just found out last summer.

Any information would be great thanks .

As to the question, ADHD hasn’t caused me to avoid sex, or to not think about/fantasize about it, but it has impaired

how I function in relationships … at least we have found out that some of my oddnesses are ADHD … interupting,

noise bothers me, nil social skills etc

As you will see from the forums, ADHD is different in all of us as are the ways we react to drugs . Good luck .

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[starcat81]

Robert: I have a feeling he says things are good. Which they are better, but he hasn’t had any increases. I was on Strattera first and it helped, but I needed more. My psychiatrist switched me to Concerta about 6 months ago and I like it so much more. I still have a bad moment or day, but nothing as bad as it used to be. He has an appt. for meds next week. I’m going to talk to him tonight about it, just give my two cents, and see what happens. I want him to feel better. I think that’s a plus (and minus) of having it myself. I know how he’s feeling and remember what it was like when I ws first diagnosed and started meds. I kind of think he had a bit of a melt-down or something. I don’t know. He said he was taking his meds so…

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[JimC.]

@ Tea: I’m your age and in BC too. Using 20mg Adderall RX with good results and no side effects.

Here’s a clinic you may want to refer to if you doubt your meds and/or results: http://northshoreadhd.com/aboutus.html ask

for Dr Anthony Ocana.

In addition, a good local coach who runs (for free) a monthly support group: http://www.addcoach4u.com/

I’ll make no suggestions for meds; I’ve learned everyone is different, and also, most importantly, only you can discover what works best via experimentation and perseverance.

Good luck, Jim (no affiliation with aforementioned contacts)

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[Anonymous]

Great thankyou .. will check it out. Vancouver seems to have some great resources, thanks.

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[Anonymous]

Im a female sex addict with add. The mind of a sex addict with add is too complex to be able to know exactly why he is the way he is. He probably avoids taljung about it because he doesnt quite understand it himself. For me, and possibly for him, SEEING sex/nudity/sexual things is like an answer to our add/addicts mind. The add part wants us to see more and more different things, the sex addict part makes all those different things fall under the umbrella of things pertaining to sex. This somehow equates to the need to have many scattered sexual oppurtunities such as viewing hours of porn often switching from video to video ir go from strip club to strib club.its as if the goal is to see ever breast ass vagina and penis the world has too offer. Its much less about actually seeking orgasm or even arousal sometimes. Not that he is neccesarily a cheater but if he has the same mind as i do, he can be head over heals in live but want to sit face to face with somebodies genitals just because. I HAVE NO CLUE WHY! its actually a very nerve rackcing thing because it can go beyond acceptable/legal realms. I often times wonder how many “pedofiles” are actually very disgusted at the thought of such a thing but one day watching porn find their way down the kiddie aisle just because they wanted to see more and more sexual things buthad already seen thousdands of flicks from the other genres. Im not excusing pedofiles but i just worry because as motherly and over protective as i am, when im having an unsually low day in my addictiin and add both ive ventured into different genres of porn that were completey gross to me yet i either got into or i atleast found intriguing.i always fear that one day ill end up looking at sonething illegal and get caught or worse, like it. Its all about the hunt for more exposure to sexual things. Not that he doesnt like sex with you but thats ground he has already covered. In his subconscous he needs to use ur sex time to go out n find more. Hes the kinda guy that would jump at the oppurtunity to be in an orgy/3sum. He may nit actually enjoy the sex of it alk that much but its the ultimate exposure. I have had group sex numerous timea in numerous groups. I hate it. I crave it. I have joined many dating sites strictly to see thiusands of naked bodies n sleep with as many if them as I can. I dont actualy want to have aex with them. I just want to see them naked or seem them aroused or in any sexual light. Unfoetunately for me part od mt own personal issues is the inability to say no, so I pretty much sleep with any person I meet, male or female even though im digusted be sleeping with my own gender. I even sleep with dirty nasty guys that are ugly. All because I just want to see some kind of sexuality exibited fron them. Again that scares me because im afraid if one day a minor should ask for sex, or a person who admitedly has HIV.

Because of alk this, sex owns me and is a negative thing in my life. Altho hooefully not as extreme as my addiction, ur boyfriend may also see sex negatively even though he loves it. He probably views you as a positive thing and would rather not taint that by sullying yiu with his negative sexual desires.

Sexual addiction is no joke. Most addicts with a coaddiction view sexual addiction as being harder than their drug or alcohol addiction. Withdrawal symptoms arent as bad but full recovery seems near impossible. ADD just makes this 10x worse. As hard as it sounds, the best thing to do is be there for him when he is ready ti have sex with you thoae few times and make each if those times mind blowing. Dont try and seduce him by wearing something different but have like 5 outfits on standby and on the few times hes ready for sex change into an outfit. Afterwards dont bother him bout sex again until hes ready even if its a month later. This time have a completey diff outfit on. Also what is very helpful is if maybe thia month ur always completely bare and then after you have sex switch to a designand keep that design so that its ready for him the next time he is in the mood. Make it so that every time he wants sex theres a surpriae waiting for him down their. This will hopefully result in him wanting to find out what that surpriae is more often. Awhile after getting into the swing of having sex regularly, you wont need to bait him with vaginal surprises. He will just want the sexual time with yiu without feeling pressured into doing it.

Hope things work out for you.

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[Rick Green – Founder of TotallyADD]

We recently interviewed Gina Pera, author of Is Is You, Me, or Adult A.D.D. and she talked about how sex can either be an addiction–easy to do, feels good–or something that is avoided because it’s ‘a lot of work’. Foreplay is kind of like small talk. And I get bored with small talk, I can tell you. Ha!

What struck me as she talked about it was that it again comes down to an issue of being able to regulate ‘attention’ and succumbing to novelty seeking, and waking up the body/mind. In the past I’ve said this is ‘adrenaline’ addiction, but as Dr. John Ratey (Co-author of Driven to Distraction among many other things) told us when we interviewed him a while back, it’s more than simply adrenaline. It’s the whole limbic system waking up, emotional, etc..

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[allan wallace]

Very interesting…for me I kind of enjoy the selfish imagining of various scenarios. In my mind it’s impersonal, an expression of freedom, and a challenge to conformity. Just the thought of something unconventional is tantamount to an act of rebellion if you like, and for me the thrill lies in being able to persuade somebody to be willing to do something that falls within those parameters….it’s a dangerous game, which in itself is very exciting, and occasionally things have transpired which have had consequences of shame for my partners, but don’t register for me as I have no emotional investment in any of that junk. It’s exciting, but disgusting I suppose, and most of the time I can contrive to ensure that nothing too lurid will happen. Mind you, as it presently stands I’m under sexual sanctions from my wife, so it’s not likely to be a source of tension for quite a while 😆

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[Hadley Richarde Earabino]

Dear Eagerhelper,

I’m impressed by your determination to help your boyfriend, the drive to improve your relationship, and the thorough exploration of the problem. You might consider a career in the counseling fields, if you aren’t in one already!

It sounds like your boyfriend is suffering from a sex addiction, and his drug of choice is Strippers/Strip Clubs.

Sex addiction can take many forms. People can become addicted to porn, compulsive masturbation, prostitution, voyeurism, exhibitionism, anonymous sex, bath houses, massage parlors, sadomasochistic behavior, among others.

It can be defined as an addiction when repeated attempts to stop the behavior fail, despite the negative consequences.

Consequences can include financial damage (“he’s lost tons of cash,” “been in deep financial trouble for years,” “is living with his mom”), public embarrassment, loss of friends or supportive relationships (if he doesn’t change, he might lose you, for instance), family conflict, health consequences (he could be at risk of acquiring STDs), loss of employment, among others. He’s also suffering from sexual shame, as he tries to hide his behavior from you, and maybe others.

Partners of sex addicts can be affected by the addiction in a number of ways, and body image issues are common. No flirtation, not initiating sex, distant and distracted sex, yawning and chewing nails during sex–all these would make any partner feel rejected. You may feel insecure about your body and start to compare yourself to others. You might even start to think about changing your body to please him–might even consider having surgery. You might feel as though you’re not a good lover since he’s always looking elsewhere. These are all common responses to partners who are sexually addicted in this way.

What ends up happening, if the sexually addicted partner doesn’t seek treatment, is you’ll start to feel traumatized. You’ll have problems trusting him, and maybe other partners in the future. You’ll start to feel emotionally distant from him. The trust in the relationship will be damaged. You may stop sharing your sexual feelings with him. You might start to feel there is something wrong with you sexually. You might stop feeling aroused by him, or might lose interest in sex in general. If it continues, you may end up feeling betrayed and angry, and start obsessing or plotting payback or revenge.

If he’s having sexual contact with the strippers/dancers, you’re at risk of contracting an STD, so you’re putting your health at risk.

Often the partner of a sex addict is a survivor of abuse him/herself. If you’ve suffered physical, sexual or emotional abuse as a child, or as an adult, or suspect you might have, this might be a good time to get some intensive group and individual therapy.

The good news is that sex addiction is treatable, as is ADHD–which seems to be a contributing factor. It’s also a great time to discover your many gifts outside of your sexuality–to learn about your value as a human being, and not just a sexual being. It can be a huge growth opportunity–if you can avoid the anger/resentment loop!

Anyway, I’m glad the Strattera is helping. The issue may resurface. In any case, I’d recommend you look into a 12-step group for family members of sex addicts, like COSA or CODA. (Information and links below)

Co-Sex Addicts Anonymous (COSA)
National Services
(763) 537-6904

Co-Dependents Anonymous (CODA)
P.O. Box 670861
Dallas, TX 75367-0861
(602) 277-7991
(706) 648-6868
http://www.codependents.org

Warmest regards,

Hadley Earabino

hello [at] hadleycoaches [dot] com
 

 

 

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[Anonymous]

 

Something interesting that I found on Family Life Today deals with the compulsion issues that area related to men and sex and the compulsions that can be related. There is an addiction-like affect from visual stimulation and the brain chemicals that are released with visuals etc.  This may be helpful in understanding some of your Boyfriends behaviors.  It’s from a Conservative Christian perspective, but worth listening to.  Hope that helps.

http://www.familylife.com/audio/topics/life-issues/challenges/addiction/ashamed-no-more/20130410-taking-steps-to-wholeness#.UXLB_LXU9bA

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[Patte Rosebank]

Today’s Toronto Star has an article about the impact of today’s pornography (which is more violent and degrading than pornography used to be) on teenagers.

It looks at the effect it has on their developing brains, and whether or not this is contributing to the rise in cases like the one in Steubenville and those of Retaeh Parsons and Audrie Pott.

http://www.thestar.com/news/insight/2013/04/22/is_pornography_changing_how_teens_view_sex.html

Pornography falls into the category of “thrill-seeking behaviour”, so it affects the brain in much the same way as other thrill-seeking behaviour.  It’s more exciting because it’s “forbidden” and “dangerous” and “different”, so it really stimulates the right-pre-frontal cortex (which is the part of an ADD’ers brain that isn’t as active as it should be).

Our brains are always learning and changing.  Some people become so addicted to that thrill of porn, that actual sex becomes boring to them.  And if it doesn’t feel good, why bother?

Here’s a closer look at how the brain responds to pornography:   http://yourbrainonporn.com/

Just so you know, I’m not a total prude.  I love the neo-burlesque scene, which is based on the sort of performances that were considered “pornographic” until the mid-1970s.   I just think that a lot of today’s pornography goes way too far in terms of violence and degrading behaviour.

 

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