Carrying a Guilt

[Anonymous]

I got up this morning, at 10:48, again feeling the SHAME I always feel for sleeping so late. I realized that shame is such a familiar feeling for me, that I have lived with it for my entire life, feeling as if I’m a failure, or a disappointment, and like I’m just not able to do what other people do. Of course, most of my life, I DID get up early because I HAD to, but now that I don’t, I don’t. I promise myself when I go to bed that I will get up earlier the next morning, but when it arrives, I don’t.

When I was a child, my mom “shamed” me a lot, and I always thought that this is why I feel the way I do, but now I realize a lot of it is due to ADD and the trouble I have accomplishing things in a timely manner, finishing things I start, etc, etc.

I believe I, too, have the “all or nothing at all” trait, which is one reason it takes me so long to do anything and why I procrastinate and put off so much. Perhaps walking will help me too; I’ve been meaning to, but I’ve been putting that off too.

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[Anonymous]

I understand…….maybe shaming was a parenting skill (if I may misuse the word)……from another time. There were other disciplines used from bygone era’s, as well…….such as use of the cane or switch to dish out corporal punishment. Some were physically cruel, others mentally cruel……it was most likely due to ignorance, not sadistic intentions. Past harsh parenting tools and their effects, have been re-evaluated and new tools/skills are now available to those who seek them. I understand also that some tools from the past, while best intentioned left scars, some deep……sad but true. Healing is maybe required to reduce the impact of such “good deeds”…imposed by such “responsible parents”. Lessons learned by each new generation should assist in development of the next generation……if we indeed recognize, learn and practice…………and heal…….ourselves.

My question is…..Is that not our……”raison d’etre”…..?????

toofat

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[Wgreen]

Hey TF!

Good to have you back.

Question for you.

What if we were to take the word “shame” and change it to “ownership?”

Is it appropriate for people who have… let’s call them “character issues,” be they neurological or psychological—or both, to take ownership of those issues? Or, do we 1) assign ownership of those issues instead to society, our parents, our bosses? Or, do we 2) refuse to call them issues at all—just pretend they don’t really exist? Or reject the notion of ownership altogether? Or…? What do you think? Is it really OK repeatedly to show up late, or routinely turn in work a week late, or lie, or trash the house? It seems to me that if we don’t take ownership of our own behavio(u)r at some level—as painful and scarring as that may be when we desperately want to behave differently—we’re either placing an unfair burden on others or, in effect, chiding people to say our manure doesn’t stink just because we’re somehow different.

To be fair to parents, surely most of them simply want their kids to learn to take personal responsibility for their own behaviors—and thus for their futures. For the parents of ADD kids, I know that’s tough. How do you teach accountability on the one hand while helping a child understand the challenges and unique moral implications of an impaired “free” will?

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[Shadow Nexus]

Pride is one thing we likely have in common as ADHD. We are too proud to admit we need help. Then you regret it later. Frasier(TV) which took this from wisdom, “It’s not the things we do in life that we regret most. It’s times where we didn’t even try.”

“Too err is human.”

“%&#@ happens, move on.” unknown

You were to afraid do this and that. You make mistakes. We have all mountain of this baggage hidden away. Some baggage you can get rid of. Most you can’t. So, you have mountain of baggage. Live in the moment. You screwed up. Move on. Who I am telling this too? You, me, or both. ANSWER: both and all

I should listen to my own advice.

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[Anonymous]

Hi Wg……thanks and….yes…agreed whole-heartedly. Maybe even take that to ‘responsibility”. I believe with all my heart and soul I am responsible for my behavior. In my mind that also means I take “ownership” for my behavior, my perspective, my responses how I view the world and internalize things……and how I view and treat others. Sure every once and a while the sky really does fall and circumstances….dictate an un-forseen outcome……it happens. “Into every-bodies life a little rain must fall”…Ella Fitzgerald.

Having said that we can always try right the wrongs we’ve done, do the right thing.. and back-manage those rare occasions with whatever it takes. Easy to say….hard to do maybe. I observe often that the right thing to do is very very hard for some people to do.

As for assignment of ownership of anything critical to our personal make-up….to others….no, never. For me that is similar to abdicating responsibility for who I am. It also would mean (to me) that someone else has control of my power and I don’t believe that can happen. I understand that some folks hand over their power and try and place blame for their actions or behaviors or misery, externally. My take Wg is that the scarring or pain comes from not taking ownership……ownership is the begining of the healing. Issues and root problems may go back a long ways but we are adults…….blaming another…..for what happened years ago, for who we are today……hmmmmmm…….I don’t know. Understanding things of that nature maybe more beneficial to us in the long run..if we don’t take our own steps to understand and right that which is wrong within……who will???

No Wg, I do not feel (myself) that being late for work, or lying…..or not living up to any other commitments we make to ourselves or others is right. My word means too much( to me)…….I feel, if I am not “valued at my word” what am I??? I will, to my own detriment do everything in my power to keep my word. Truth be known, if I find I am consistently dropping the ball…I re-look at things that I am committing too, to see if I am being honest with myself, with regard to those commitments. Maybe my expectations of myself are too high……..at the moment…..maybe I’m not being truthful with myself…..I don’t know those answers. But I know continuing that behavior is not good for others around me, and is not healthy for me. If…(actually when), I drop the ball I also take responsibility for that…..it happens. Just a side view tho…..I am also kind to myself when I mess up, or I certainly try to be. I feel I am worth that self-benevolence…..I like me…..and I recognize imperfection when I see it, and I see it in the mirror. I just…I like what else I see too.

So maybe it comes down to…..how can we change what do we do not acknowledge and accept in ourselves. If our perception of ourselves and our world is flawed….do we not need to understand how they are flawed in order correct them?? How do we do that without accepting that the perspective flaws are ours, because changing another is damn near impossible……I can only change me????

Maybe……I don’t know……..I do know these things are right for me, and thanks Wg….I appreciate the stimulation.

toofat

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[Wgreen]

Marjorie Wallace is the chief executive of Sane, a British mental health non-profit. She is the subject of a piece on the hit TV show “The X Factor” that appeared in the Telegraph (UK) on 30 September.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/8797577/The-X-Factor-could-cause-mental-problems.html

In the piece, referring to the sometimes harsh criticism of contestants, she says: “Things known to precipitate mental illness are feelings of failure to meet expectations of ourselves and others, and social rejection. It can be a trigger to potentially depressive illnesses.”

Hmmm. That seemed right on topic here.

“…feelings of failure to meet expectations of ourselves and others” = shame

And that in turn leads to “depressive illnesses.”

Thank you Ms Wallace for describing so eloquently the plight of ADDers everywhere. Unfortunately, unlike X-Factor contestants, we have to endure it every day of our lives…

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[Anonymous]

I have to say…….I may be one of the fortunate few, I don’t suffer from depression. I just might be too lazy to be depressed…if it takes any effort on my part at all. Harsh criticism….usually runs off me after time, like water…..that may be a result of being terminally correct all the time.

Kidding aside, I do understand depression…it is in our house, and it’s hard on folks who have it, and the folks who love them. Meds and talk therapy do seem to provide relief, along with the usual exercise and diet, and working at getting yourself well. It is a bit of a tough haul…… for sure.

Gee now that I think of it, although I don’t have depression…………maybe I’m a carrier????

toofat

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[munchkin]

There are things I truly do agree people should expect, then there are things I think would be nice, but not worth kicking myself about right now. So, with some things, I have to admit I can have a bit of an attitude. It can just be soul crushingly difficult to concentrate on improving things that seem a bit trivial and keep apologizing and feeling guilty on a daily basis. If I don’t limit what I’m trying to improve on, the guilt and failure of trying to make other people happy will crush my ability to make any progress at all-or so I fear… I am in a vulnerable spot! I admit I have a bad habit of verbally lashing others for “sweating the small stuff” and/or accusing people of picking on me unfairly. Well, folks, sometimes what I consider “the small stuff” is pretty important to others, and they don’t appreciate my attitude… I understand where they’re coming from, but I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place. I just hope I can keep from alienating the ones I love – once again… Am I wimping out by trying to take things one step at a time? Should I be trying a lot harder to “suck it up” when people criticize? Hopefully, I just need to keep on the medication/re-tooling my lifestyle path and things will get better soon… Yes, I’m trying to get counseling – hoping the new guy I’m seeing this week will be good… I just thought I would share these feelings, venting a bit – I suspect I’m not alone in what I’m going through… I know things can get better

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[Anonymous]

I understand some of that ..i have depression and anxiety plus AGH ..there is so much anger and frustration bottled up inside me mostly with me, with so many decades wasted due to illnesses that were either unknown or not well known. So far the Seratonin and

Wellbrutin dont seem to help. Perfectionist and control .. I got some BT from local Mental Health .. here in BC they “allow” patients a max of 15 visits … so i have a list of cognative thinking disorders … wrong thoughts, sometimes when i am calm they help.

Much of the time if things go sideways, i panic … raging and running about .. need to get a handle on self … not seeing drugs help.

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[Anonymous]

Havent heard anything lately. Anxiety seems to compound my ADH, the perfectionism and guilting .. but the fearfulness is driving me to despair .. Wellbutrin and Straterra seem to help .. but i dont think they are 24 hour drugs .. can t stand this twitchiness … anxious.

any ideas for this .. ??

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[anniea]

Tea anxiety compounds everything for me. Prozac is what I am taking for depression. I take Ritalin but not everyday..as it went sky high, so I take it when I need it…most days but not everyday.

I went to 12 step meetings for families and that helped with old shame/perfectionist ways. I have done one on one couseling that was the biggest help. The last one was for ADD issues… she retired, so I have to find a coach maybe..

Doing some walking or volunteering when the guilt/anxiety gets too much is helpful somedays.

Mindfulness training has helped also, I’ve been at this for 30 years..didn’t know what it was for 25 years..but its all related I think. We are perfect everyday, just here to learn something, and pay attention if possible.

Lots of days are good, but I am in a pit right now, but I still know it is temporary Just got to take a walk, and keep reading..

I love this website… reminds me I am NOT crazy..I’m ADD

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[billd]

Me – I’m crazy AND ADD! HAHAAHAHA (and I love being crazy)

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[Patte Rosebank]

My brother uses the acronym “FIDO” (F*** it, drive on).

It works…when I remember it.

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[Anonymous]

My most guilt ridden times seem to coincide with high level of perfectionism.

Larynxa I like “FIDO”. I am going to try to remember it also. …..

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[Rick Green – Founder of TotallyADD]

Guilt is just anger turned inward, I think. The only way forward is to acknowledge what you’ve done, take responsibility, and move on. It’s what got me through the guilt I felt when my marriage ended. At some point I learned that there is no reward in feeling guilty. It’s just another way to prove that I’m a good person. “Look, I’m suffering and feeling bad.” And beating myself up was another way of keeping myself small and not deal with the situation. I can’t tell you how many years of my life were used up by this circle of guilt, shame, anger.

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[Author]

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