Dating sites for people with disorders?

[xephier]

Ya fuck ADHD, it’s ruined so many aspects of my life and my entire life is one big collection of regrets. Because of all that I also have major depressive disorder(FML). Because of the way that people treated me, because of the way people distance me from themselves and keep me at arms length, because of all the people that have only used me and mistreated me I also have antisocial personality disorder(FML again). And because of all that combined with my unappealing looks and speech flaw(nasally sounding speech that makes me sound mentally handicapped) I also have Avoidant personality disorder.

Ironically enough I used to consider myself to have an extremely good hold of my mental state but that’s been going downhill the past several months. Sometimes I feel fine but the bulk of the time I just feel numb.

I can’t just wish the pain away or sit out a few therapy sessions and have it magically go away. The worst part about being like myself is being alone. I can’t get with “normal” people, they’re too good for me. Is there a dating site for people with disorders? If there isn’t then there should be. I don’t just mean people with ADHD, I mean people with any disorder.

I just feel like I can’t be the only one out there that feels this way, that’s been plagued as I have to be just fukered enough that no one wants them but smart enough to be fully aware of of that fact.

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[shutterbug55]

Hello xephier,

I for one have multiple disorders (Dyslexia, ADD, Autism) which have profound affects on my life. Even after being diagnosed and getting treatment, some of the decisions/damage/do-overs just can’t be fixed. I think people treat us different, because we ARE different. We process information differently. That would be information we are trying to learn (input) and information we are trying to relate to others (output).

As you can guess I am into computers. They have held my fascination, ever since I saw my first one in 68. Yea I’m one of those Old Geezers. When I was a wage-slave, I programed them. Which brings me to my outlook on life. Life is much better, when I am working on those things I like. Generally, those are also the things I am good at. I also enjoy making things with my hands. Woodworking, pottery, metalworking… you name it. While I don’t have a “Santa’s Workshop”, I do make quite a lot of toys and give them away for Christmas. I like doing that.

My secret to finding people? First find something you like doing. Do it. That way there is something about your life that brings enjoyment.  I have found that walking around, hating myself, hating life, and describing my experience in terms of F—ing this and F that, brings me to the question that my mom asked me a long time ago.  How can anyone like or love you, when you don’t like or love yourself?

Hang in there.

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[xephier]

“How can anyone like or love you, when you don’t like or love yourself?”

that’s a bit of a circular thing though, it could just as easily be people not liking or loving you for the same reasons that you don’t like or love yourself. Besides, I usually feel inferior in the presence of people that are “normal”. People with something mentally off about them are the only ones that I’ve really gotten along with for the most part.

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[shutterbug55]

Not necessarily circular, but that self loathing, and no self worth is perceived by others. So they tell me. Conversely, the confidence over having something you enjoy is also perceived.

There are things you do better than most people, and derive enjoyment from doing them. I have no idea what they are. That is for you to find. Do you make models? Do you watch stars? Shoot pool? Something out there you enjoy doing and are good at.

Why do I harp on those things you are good at? Because the world is full of people telling us what we are doing wrong, and what we are doing poorly. Nobody is there telling us what we are good at.  That wears us down, because it becomes a tape we run in our heads that gets played every time something goes wrong. We have to  break that tape, or put another message on it. Finding those things we enjoy doing, is part of that. That way, when we hear “What? You failed again? Can’t you do anything right?” The answer becomes: “Yes as a matter of fact I can. I can put a ship in a bottle. ”

It is one thing that is easier for autistics, because we can zone out on something and have fun just learning and exploring. Returning to that thing is like a vacation retreat.

 

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[Galadriel724]

I would be hesitant to use a dating site that is specifically for people with disorders. Those of us with ADHD have more challenges than a lot of other people do,and we do tend to be misunderstood. I get that. I also understand the need to be around people that share the same issues. It isn’t always enough to have friends that understand you as a person because they don’t have the same struggles and are guessing what we feel like at best.
I wish there were sites geared towards meeting friends with ADHD. The existing support groups in my area are geared towards parents of kids with ADHD. I have gone onto meetup.com because that is usually a good place to meet other like minded individuals but there is also nothing in my area.
When it comes to the dating sites (I have been on match.com, okcupid and plenty of fish in the past 4 yrs) I have found some interesting differences and may be able to provide some insight.
First of all, I stayed the hell away from anyone whose profile mentioned any disorder prominently. There are ways to fit that in, if you want. I just described myself. I am more than my disorder and I try not to announce it as my identity. It’s pretty apparent once you are around me, but dating is kinda risky that way. Your date likes you or they don’t. I don’t want to date someone that thinks their disorder is their identity.
It is different in every place I’m sure (I lived in another state and match.com was ok- it sucks where I live now). The best insight I can give into the sites is this. On okcupid I met guys who shared interests that were so similar to mine that they gave me chills, in a good way. 2 of my best friends in the world were dates from there. One I dated for a while and then stayed friends. The other I didn’t date for long because he was so much like me that I wanted to be his friend for a really long time, but he has a drinking problem and I didn’t want to get sucked into an unhealthy dynamic. His adhd is not treated.We have lunch at least once a week,and I go to his place when I want to relax and be in someone elses clutter. Most people that I know who have been on okcupid also found it great for meeting people that were a great match for hanging out, but not necessarily dating. The questions they ask match interests but not so much romantically.
I met my boyfriend on plenty of fish. It wasn’t on purpose, a friend didn’t get the concept so I set up a profile to show her how it worked. I was going to shut it down but there was one guy who emailed me who I figured I would go out with once before I stopped. I had gotten a cat and decided to be a crazy cat lady and stop trying to meet the right guy for a while. He ended up being my guy. Been together 2 yrs this month, moved in together a year ago. He has ADHD. Neither of us mentioned it in our profiles. It just worked out that way.
I suggest ok cupid for meeting people who will understand you, and yes, meeting consists of dates but the results are friends, which anyone can use more of, if they are the good kind….
Last part. Do NOT mention any personality disorders in your profile. Huge red flag. Be positive about your good qualities and clear about what type of person you want to be with. Keep an open mind. And never, ever tell them where you live. There are people out there that you either like enough that you’ll want to clean your place before they see it, or who are so creepy that you don’t want them showing up, ever.

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[kc5jck]

Yeah, you sure wouldn’t want me showing up at your door.

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[Patte Rosebank]

Excellent advice!

I’d add two more reasons for not mentioning your ADHD in a dating profile:

1. There are people out there who deliberately target people with disabilities or weaknesses, in order to control, abuse, and take advantage of them. Even on sites for a specific group, there will always be fake profiles from people who don’t really belong there, who are just looking for victims.

2. Once your information is on the internet, you never know who will see it. What if your employer (or a potential employer) or co-workers happened to find it? You may suddenly be “outed”, and there could be repercussions.

One of my ADDCA instructors has said that the closeting of ADDers is a lot like the closeting that the GLBT community faces. So much misinformation, fear, stigma, and hate against people who just happen to be different!

Even when you’re comfortable with embracing your diagnosis, you’ll still get knocked for a loop by hate.

I love bright colours and sparkly things. They’re my trademark, and most of the time, complete strangers tell me how much it’s brightened their day just to see me. Including not one, but two legally-blind people, who could only see a blur of colour.

But every so often, some guy (it’s always a guy) will make a nasty, mocking comment. The sudden shock of it always feels like a slap in the face, and I’ve never recovered quickly enough to ask the homunculus, “Why do you feel so threatened by me, that you have this overwheming compulsion to insult a complete stranger?”

Or (perhaps more effectively) to smile a little too much, with a weird glint in my eyes, and say, “Careful. I might be armed,” and continue on my way.

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[Galadriel724]

I wouldn’t want anyone to show up at my door right now. I’m still in my PJ’s and my house looks like a disaster zone.
As far as being armed, I have 2 of them- attached to my shoulders on my left and right sides. Therefore, I can truthfully say that I am armed any time I want.

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[xephier]

Fact is that I haven’t connected very well with people my entire life. I’ve always felt like the outsider. I either get knocked or ignored entirely and since I’ve been an adult it’s mostly just been the thing of being ignored and overlooked or avoided.
Hell, there’s dating sites for christians(people with a disorder that makes them believe that there’s a magic man in the sky) so why not one for us? 😛

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[catlover79]

You could go to a dating site specifically for ADD/ADHD! I know there are a few dating sites for people with ASD and I’m sure there would have to be one for ADHD as well?!

Sel

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