Don't know what to do with siblings and parents

[Anonymous]

My eldest son, who is 10 now, was diagnosed with ADHD over 7 years ago. When my wife and I started doing research, we realize that ADD/ADHD was more a genetic condition and when looking at its “symptoms” I started realizing that lots of the descriptions they gave fit me like a T .

Wanting to better help my son, I figure the first thing I should do is to help myself.(hard to fix things when the tools you need are broken)

So 6 month ago, off I went to an adult ADD/ADHD specialist and have been seeing him regularly and taking vivance to help me out in my day to day, ever since then things are great, my wife is happy (its help our marriage which I didn’t realize was shaky) and I’m able to cope with day to day life with a hectic family of three kids.

Now instead of saying “I’m having some good and some bad days and the world is out to get me” I now say ” I’m having great weeks and with some bad days once in awhile that I nothing to handle”.

My big problem is with my siblings and snow bird parents. I’m the youngest of 4 kids and was raised in a household were problems were not discussed, arguing was forbidden, I was too young (and stupid) to understand (so don’t tell him anything), I was the official family “Get it Done Guy” and the weapon of choice to get things done was guilt.(of course prior to my assessment I was some what oblivious and care free to all this)

After a few major incidents and issues with my parents, who don’t believe they could have an ADD/ADHD kid or grand kids over a few month period, I came to realization that I really don’t like being around my them very much.

So for the first time in my life the guilt didn’t work when I was “expected” to come and get things done. I stayed away from the family cottage to preserve my happiness and sanity.

This only ripple the waters a bit and neither of my parents called or visited us over the summer months but now that summer is over Thanksgiving is here and snowbirds will soon fly.

I’ve started receiving calls, in the last few days, not from my parents but my siblings telling us we need to go up for Thanksgivings weekend.

Since we haven’t talked in several months and they are pretty much oblivious(did I mention ADD/ADHD is genetic) of incidents that lead us to all this. I am still not ready to spend time (especially a whole weekend) with them.

My siblings stand is simply ” You do it because they are telling you to do it and they are old and they won’t change” doesn’t work for me

So what should I do… Go up to the family cottage and be unconformable during the whole weekend ( I wouldn’t be miserable because I would have my kids and we always create our own fun) or stay home be comfortable and have the fun with my kids but have to listen to the guilt trip come Tuesday from my siblings.

Happiness and piece of mind or Family obligation and get together…..

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[Stash]

A Steve Jobs quote seems timely here:

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

Good luck. It sounds like you have a great little family unit of your own – look after them first.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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[nellie]

I don’t think Steve Job’s quote is necessarily appropriate in this type of circumstance. Unless your family is seriously evil, it’s more a question of establishing boundaries of some sort. No one’s family is perfect. If you are able to stand up for yourself then I would say go. The big question is why would you not go? If siblings ( or other family) can guilt you into something it says more about you than them. If there is something positive to be gained from inter-generational relationships for your children then I would say it may be worth the effort.

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[Anonymous]

Hey Stash I get Mr.Jobs. quote…….as a matter of fact too subscribe to that theory. I’m not sure that because I evolved from a particular gene pool is the reason to do anything in particular. Following my heart has provided me with a very full and satisfying life, with no regrets. It’s often been hard……others can make real hard……people will gladly line up to tell you your thinking is flawed.

My parents (both deceased now) lived in different place ( or space) than I did. Sure we were family and is there some kind of obligatory thing that goes on there……but if they were not my parents, we would likely never have had anything to do with each other socially or otherwise. I don’t place judgement on that, it just I recognize how different we were. Soooo……..sure family is family but then family is just family too???? If someone places a very high value on that (for whatever their reason), that’s fine, again I don’t judge that either.

I believe that many people loose their way because they are unable to detach from many things in their world such as, social norms, status pressure, peer pressure…….career expectation, perceived parental responsibilities, marriage vows, religious sanctions etc.

Learning to listen to your heart, truly knowing what your heart is trying to tell you is very very difficult, but I believe it’s possible. Most people heads also get in the way and cloud the message from the heart. I do not expect anybody’s vision or reality to be the same as mine. Likely both visions are limited and inadequate but not to the same extent. Both likely see some truth and are affected by some visionary flaws as well, but more than likely they are again flawed differently…..we more than likely are to some degree..

Nellie boundaries I feel are critical as well……..boundaries for me are again dictated by my heart….now. I used to have rules that my head (and others) told me I should have…..they ended up to be survival tools actually. I abandoned a great many of those years ago, much to my relief. Survival tools (so I found) will only provide me with survival….not a full, aware, and rich life.

As far as parenting goes……many people are not well versed in skills required to effectively parent. It small wonder because most people (not all) prepare more for their drivers exam and they do for parenting. It is nobodies fault, most people just feel, or are told that they should just do what comes naturally, which is usually the application of outdated thinking that even in bygone days was flawed at best. Ever hear people say….gawd…..I sound like my mother, or my father????

We wouldn’t expect doctors to use tools from the 1900s. We would not even expect our auto dealership mechanics to do that………yet many people seem to feel quite comfy using the social and parenting tools past on by our parents, and their parents, and their parents before them. Quite often (I believe) if nothing changes, nothing changes.

B68…it takes a lot of inner strength and courage to find your own way regardless of status quo……..be brave…..be strong…be happy. I believe we have it in us will find our own way…I believe for the most part we all can……it’s the trying that’s hard.

I don’t profess to know what is right for anybody but me…….and many days that too requires all of my attention.

toofat

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[Anonymous]

bouf68 – I hear you on all of this. My mom, who was the family organizer in terms of get-togethers and status reports, passed away almost 3 years ago. My family basically died with her because none of them (3 siblings) ever calls me or gets in touch (we live in different cities, my husband and I have no children, my sister ex-communicated me a month before my mom passed away).

My 84 year old father has moved in with a new partner and although he does call and write me, I haven’t got much of a relationship with him because he was largely emotionally absent when we were growing up. He’s the only one I’m really interested in seeing, and we do that on our time, not associated with holidays. It helps that we practice buddhism (NOT a religion, folks, just a set of tools for working with the mind) and are vegetarians, so we don’t follow religious holidays or eat the foods that are typically served.

Why listen to the guilt trip on tuesday morning? You have a choice in all of this. Our choice was not to bother about it, not to be guilted into anything, to do what we feel like doing, to see who we feel like seeing. Yes, holidays when there are usually family get-togethers are challenging, I often wish things were different, but then, that’s one of the elements of buddhist teachings, that our suffering is based on wanting to change what our experience is. We can just live with it as it is.

If you go, pay close attention to what’s going on without reacting to it in your usual way. That might be hard, but it will be interesting. If you don’t go, pay close attention to your emotions and thoughts surrounding this. Equally hard, equally interesting.

In the end, it doesn’t matter if you go or not, but it is your choice.

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[Anonymous]

PS – our family is also non-communicative, no conversations ever last more than a few sentences before someone interrupts and changes the subject or makes a challenging topic into a joke. My mom thinks she had ADD, and I’m sure all of my siblings have it too, my nephew does, but nobody wants to talk about it.

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[nellie]

Interesting point Too Fat and N0_dopamine.

No_dope makes a good point about communication. Which brings to mind communicating with your siblings and parents specifically why you won’t attend ( if that is what you end up doing) is in my opinion vital. If they choose to respond in their old ways of behaving, as Toofat says – they are unable to detach from their old belief system – then that will be their choice. If you cut them off at least they will know why.

By your description of your life it sounds as if you have been blessed with developing a new way of seeing the world around you by being proactive in treating your ADD. Perhaps it will allow you to also develop new ways of interacting with your parents and siblings. This has been the case for me. While they have not changed, my behaviour and reactions have changed. As a result my anxiety has decreased, I no longer have an imaginary conversation in my head as to how someone will react before actually speaking to them. I am more direct and able to express my expectations. Of course all of this is still a work in progress. But In a nutshell, my choices have shaped my feelings and experiences as well.

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[Anonymous]

Nellie, that sounds like such a very strong, positive platform, and equally healthy perspective, that is so cool…good on youl!! Aren’t most aspects of our lives just a work in in progress? I really think that that is the fun part of this wacky adventure of life…….I know some will call that (me) crazy, but, I’ve been called worse by better…hahahaha.

This old cliche might ring true here…….”it is not the destination it’s the trip”….or on second thought, this quote from Jerry Garcia may be more apropos…..”what a long strange trip it’s been”.

toofat

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[memzak]

bout68 I would not be so insensitive as to tell you what to do but I can tell you my experience.

I found out about my ADD in July last year. I went through the denial and trying to explain it to people stage before the holidays started. My family also controlled by guilt to a point. By the time Thanksgiving rolled around my feeling guilty all the time was not as much of an issue but I still felt I had to explain myself and apologize. I went to Thanksgiving dinner to a houseful of people, tried to explain what was happening to me and stopped trying when everyone seemed more interested in other things. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas was when the guilt just melted away, I just enjoyed being around everyone at Christmas. My usual Christmas crises never materialized and I just spent the whole time smiling. I had a full feeling (and not from dinner), a feeling of being comfortable with myself and my family. I am actually looking forward to Thanksgiving this year. I have gotten more phone calls from my family this year then I got from them the last 30 years.

I can tell you that many things have changed over my 59 years and even with family squabbling we still got together every holiday and put our differences aside (as much as possible) and I remember the warm feeling I got as a child listening to the men watch football while the women got dinner on the table, I know that really dates me. Last year it was everyone gathered around the TV watching a movie while my brother got dinner on the table that will give the nieces and nephews and my own daughter the warm memories that will carry through their life.

Now I feel like a Norman Rockwell painting.

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[Stash]

Family relationships are such a deep and complex thing.

It’s funny, when I first read bouf68’s post, I heard it very clearly from my own perspective, from my own familial experiences.

At various times in my life, different family members have been toxic for me. Sometimes it was a genuine malevolent spirit, and sometimes it was simply my own inability to cope that made these relationships unhealthy for me.

Our responsibility in this life is to look after ourselves and in doing so become better able to support, inspire, care for, love, teach, aid, etc, everyone we connect to.

We cannot change other people. We can educate, we can love, we can be an example, but it is up to each individual to make their own choices as to how to walk through this world.

Because of my empathetic nature, I have to be very careful to keep control of my boundaries, and sometimes this means physical separation. I like the empathetic part of my personality, but it means I have to be self-protective sometimes. I need to do what is best for me regardless of social norms, perceived obligations, etc. Family can be the most challenging, because we have the longest relationships with them. Our patterns of interaction have a lifetime of history, and that is often very difficult to alter. Particularly when we are going through a major change, sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves, is to keep a distance. For many families, this isn’t necessary, and I’m happy to report that as I go through the diagnostic process, my family has been very supportive. However, even in a supportive environment, sometimes I need to take a step back to process and to re-jig the way I frame my relationships. I have a responsibility to myself to get clear about who I really am, and how I want to proceed with my future.

In families, sometimes the roles we have been assigned or adopted over time are difficult to change. I guess the message I originally wanted to convey was that it is ok to be self-protective and to make choices that may not please everyone else, but that you know in your heart are right for you, at least for right now.

It’s been nice to read different perspectives on this one and to see how our varied experiences direct our feelings. I love Memzak’s Norman Rockwell holiday! I suspect that my frustrations with small talk and sitting in one place for many hours may have tainted some of my potential picture perfect holidays. This is just one more aspect of my life that I am now looking at through a new set of lenses! Thanks for the opportunity to let me explore it here!

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[Anonymous]

thank you for all the great feed back It was very helpful and enlightening,

When you start dealing with thing like this, you always think you are alone and no one understand but it confronting and wonderful to know that you are not

Thanks again to all

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[Author]

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