Frustrated

[Anonymous]

My husband is undiagnosed but we’re pretty sure he has ADD. Our son has ADHD as well.

I get so tired of trying to have a conversation with my husband and he just zones out, sometimes…..a lot of the time actually when we’re watching tv or doing anything he just stares into oblivion. It makes me feel like he’s rather be somewhere else or that I’m not being heard.

Then there’s times when he can’t stop talking and his mind is just racing – this is usually at bedtime. He has so many great ideas for our home but then seems so unmotivated to do anything. But give him a computer and he could spend hours on there looking up stuff, he’ll research everything and then that’s where it ends. Or he’ll start a project and it takes weeks for him to complete. He’s always saying that he’s going to start getting motivated – he’s gonna do this or that and then he doesn’t. Sometimes it looks like he doesn’t even shower or is depressed.

When he’s home with the kids, its like they have self government half the time, I’ll find food and drinks in their rooms and everything is so messy.

I love my husband with all my heart but sometimes I feel burnt out, my husband tells me he loves me, he shows me affection and is kind – but the whole zoning out really hurts me. When I ask him what he’s thinking about he just says all the stuff he wants to do on the house etc.

Does anyone have some advice for me because I could really use some help. I feel very angry and sad as I type this.

Thanks

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[Tiddler]

I really feel for you. I ‘zone out’ too and I don’t always hear what my husband or my youngest son are saying. Our eldest has a loud, penetrating voice and a cluttered chaotic manner and I never zone out when he’s talking. I don’t find him more interesting than the other 2 and I don’t love any of them any more or less than the others, but it’s just that I find it hard to pay attention, regardless of how much I want to. But there are some things that cut through and I’m still trying to unravel why that is. Any new topic gets my undivided and I too can research things for hours/days and then fail to do anything about what I’ve found out.

I am completely oblivious to the mess when i’m making it and when I do see it I find it overwhelming to know where to start at sorting it out.

I love my husband so much and I wish I could make life easier for him by just being a bit less or a bit more…something…but I don’t even know what that is.

I think it’s okay to feel angry and sad. It must be really hard for you. I think the whole family has ADHD when it happens – in that it affects all of us. Does it help to think of it as effectively a brain injury and he can’t help it? Are there ways of ‘bringing him back’ when he drifts off – like a hand on his arm or something?

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[Anonymous]

First of all, please don’t take it personally. He’s not doing it to hurt you or spite you. He is certainly exhibiting signs of adult ADHD which includes difficulty in focusing, prioritizing and maintaining interest.

An adult with adhd often has trouble “getting started” because they simply can’t decide where to begin. They lose focus (often in the middle of a conversation) because something else has wormed its way into the forefront of their mind. Imagine the brain like a computer screen where all of these “pop-up” ads are appearing – and the person with ADHD can’t control the pop-ups! The focus issues go two ways – they can lose focus, or they can be so interested in something that they can’t tear themselves away, not realizing how much time has passed.

You could start by having your husband take the virtual test on this site. I think the results would surprise both of you! If you haven’t done so already, you might also want to take a look at the book, “You Mean I’m not Lazy, Crazy or Stupid?” – it has some very good advice on how to deal with operating an adult ADHD brain.

Remember, treatment is often a combination of things, therapy, medication and general techniques that help you get by. Your husband has probably been dealing with undiagnosed ADHD for quite some time, and that can have a heavy toll on someone. They have to unlearn and relearn – what works for most people doesn’t work for people with ADHD – we have to find new ways to accomplish the same things.

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[Anonymous]

Thank you for your responses, it’s nice to hear feedback from you and understanding.

For the last few months it’s been really hard to deal with, I used to get jealous of the computer because it was able to maintain his focus and attention – I know that sounds pitiful but I’m just trying to be honest.

Do you think he is aware of all the times he zones out? I just don’t want to address with him anymore because I think it upsets him and that’s not what I’m trying to do – I’m just trying to understand it.

Sometimes he seems so attentive and is in such a great mood and then its gone again he’s zoned out – I am very patient and loving with him but when I get to work I just want to cry. My husband and children are my whole entire life and I guess I am guilty of over analyzing things but sometimes it’s hard not too.

Again thank you for all your help – I was really upset this morning and this is helping

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[Tiddler]

I don’t know about your husband, but I have no idea when I’m doing it. He used to walk off when I did it, but now he has started taking my hand or rubbing it or just saying, ‘are you still in there?’ in a jokey way. I suspect he sometimes just leaves it though because I often realise that I was having a conversation at some point but I can’t remember what about. And he doesn’t comment when I say, ‘what were we talking about?’ either any more. He just reminds me and I can sometimes carry on, sometimes though it’s just gone.

As the one who ‘zones out’ I want you to know that I too just adore my husband and kids and I love talking and listening to them. What they say does interest me and I DO want to pay attention. I really do. I am SO frustrated when I realise I’ve missed a huge chunk of something someone’s said. But I’m the first there if someone is upset and I don’t care if it’s in the middle of the night. I’d do anything for any of my friends and I’d never, ever deliberately let my family down.

There’s something really attractive to you about him. What is it? Is that something you can build on to help you cope while you’re unravelling all this other stuff?

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[Tiddler]

Also, how does the computer hold his attention? Does he have loads of windows open? Does he flick from one site to the other? Is he jumping from idea to idea while he’s on there? Does he play fast or intricate games on there that can hold his attention?

I’m wondering if my son can hold my attention because he jumps around so much when he’s talking…

He has an attention and memory deficit too, though not ADHD.

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[Anonymous]

There are so many things that I love about my husband and I will get through this, it just seems for the last few months his symptoms have accelerated and it just gets hard sometimes. I think caring for our ADHD son and our other 3 kids and now him just becomes a lot. I wish that he could communicate what he was feeling with me more but because I don’t think he realizes all the time how much zoning out he does that makes it hard.

He seems impulsive too sometimes, all over the place and I can’t keep up. He will go to the store for something small and come home with a new video game system for the kids. He also seems sensitive lately so sometimes I feel like I can’t say what I really want to say so I don’t make him upset.

Sometimes I wish to have my old husband back – before he displayed all these symptoms as much as he does now.

I will love my husband forever, he really is a wonderful man and a great father, this is just a bit of a tough time right now and we’ll get through it.

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[Anonymous]

I agree with Tiddler. Until I knew I had ADHD I had no idea of what I was doing. I suspected there was something “not quite right,” but after growing up with adults constantly telling me I could do better, I should just try harder, I just “piddled around,” I began to accept a self-image of a lazy, self-centered, weak-willed person with no self-control. And I hated myself for it – I still do.

Until she went with me to therapy, my wife had no idea of the constant self-loathing that was going on inside my head. It was something I had been nurturing for decades and it’s still hard to let go. Whenever someone gets mad at me or even responds in a way that seems judgmental, my inner judge jumps up to let me have it. (my inner judge is NEVER lenient).

I don’t know if it is true with your mate or not, but he might be getting “judged” himself. If after taking the test it turns out he might have ADHD, you might want to ask him what it was like growing up. How he did in school, how adults treated him, etc. I’m not in any way suggesting this as a substitute for therapy, but simply as a means to get a better understanding of who he is.

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[Anonymous]

In regards to the computer, he will flip from site to site – he could do this for hours and has in the past. He used to be on facebook but has now closed his account because he felt he was wasting way too much time on there. Since then he just replaces that time surfing the web – he will usually say he’s going to just go on quick to look up something and then before you know it he’s been on there for 2 hours. He doesn’t notice the amount of time that goes by but I do or our kids will say “dad’s on the computer again”?

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[Anonymous]

Also bear in mind that as we get older, the more things break down and the more mental baggage we have continues to pile up. It could be that you are just noticing these things because you’ve gained a new awareness to ADHD and things that you had simply accepted before are now becoming glaring lights shining in your face.

Trust me, being an adult with undiagnosed ADHD is something I would not wish on anyone. If there is a possibility that he has it, I definitely recommend that you seek treatment. Good luck.

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[Anonymous]

Thank you!

I feel like I am being a nagging wife by trying to push him to go get tested – I really don’t think he see’s what he does. I wish he would come to me and say I’m going to see a doctor and get this checked out lol but he is so not the doctor type.

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[Anonymous]

That’s why I recommend the virtual test on this site – it’s really quite painless.

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[Anonymous]

Sounds good – I will see what I can do. Anythings got to help.

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[Tiddler]

What about sending him an email with a link to the test? Then he can look at it or not, depending on his mood and you can always send another if he hasn’t looked at it?

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[Anonymous]

It’s worth a try, we went for lunch and I tried to nonchalantly bring it up by addressing our son’s ADHD but he wasn’t catching on. I guess though if you’re not direct with someone you can’t expect them to see the hidden message.

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