Frustrated

[Tiddler]

I like direct. It’s definitely the way to go in our family!

Subtle just doesn’t work, for either of us!

Good luck!

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[Anonymous]

I don’t know if you’ve discussed this yet, but it is common for more than one person in a family to have ADHD. If a child has it, there’s a good chance that one of the parents has it as well. You could say you’re going to take the test for those reasons and convince your husband to watch you do it.

And yes, we’re terrible at picking up on subtleties.

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[nellie]

While ADD makes it all the more difficult, in terms of subtle – maybe it’s not so much an ADD thing as a male-female thing. Isn’t there sort of an old anecdote about how women phrase stuff versus men? Women with indirect hints and men to the point. I have had issues like this with my husband.

She: What are you doing?

He: why?

She: No reason just wondering. The kitchen garbage is really full and there’s lots of garbage in the garage and and it’s garbage day tomorrow.

He:huh?

Next night:

She: you didn’t take the garbage to the curb and now we have to wait till next week!!

He:Oh why didn’t you remind me to take out the garbage!

She: I did

He no you didn’t

SHe:yes, I told you the garbage is full and it was garbage day today…

He: If you want me to take out the garbage just tell me take out the garbage!

Ok so I’m no script writer but I’ve had that conversation more or less just like that!

I’m now am to the point when I ask him something I get to the point! I still try to soften the blow with a pre-able but that drives him crazy so I try to be as direct as possible. Of course why he couldn’t do it on his own initiative and I have to remind is another story….

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[Anonymous]

Okay, so maybe I’m terrible at picking up on subtleties. Though I think I read somewhere that picking up on social cues is one of the executive functions that is hindered by ADHD. Or maybe it’s memory – I forget.

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[caper]

I’ve met women who communicate directly, and men who communicate indirectly. I do agree that women seem to use indirect more than men though. I think this is due to the more social nature of women. I think women use communication as a means to connect more so than men. Guys tend to use it to exchange information; I was pleasantly surprised this distinction. Now I don’t get as impatient when people don’t get to the point (or even just talk without any useful information getting exchanged).

I think the biggest problem arises when indirect communication is used to attempt to convey information. i.e. conveying to your husband that you want him to take out the garbage.

http://www.cgstock.com/relationships/communication

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[Wgreen]

This one seems pretty easy to me.

If you suspect your husband has ADD (it sounds like he does), and it’s driving you crazy, you need to get him tested, ¿no? Then, if the diagnosis is positive, you/he can see if some meds help. If they do, then he might actually get around to doing all those things he wants to do around the house! If they don’t, then you can come back and ask the TotallyADD panel for some more advice. Most of us on the forum have absolutely no standing whatsoever to give mental-health advice, but that doesn’t stop us. (Besides, you get what you pay for.) And frequently people here come up with some pretty common-sense solutions. In any event, the forum is a great place to commiserate.

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[nellie]

LOL Wgreen, how do you “have your husband tested” if he doesn’t want too?

Mine thinks it’s bunk so can’t exactly drag him off to the psych like a 7 year old ( that was hard enough!- My kids still give me a hard time about the time I told them I had a surprise for them after school one day when they were little !)

Seriously, if someone doesn’t want to deal with it , it;s pretty hard to get them to agree to see someone.

I agree the direct approach is the best ( particularly with men! ) but that doesn’t mean you can force anyone and you certainly can’t “diagnose” someone and not expect them to get ticked off if they don’t want to see it.

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[Anonymous]

my husband has it,told me he has it,was on his meds but now doesn’t think he needs them. there is nothing i can say or do to get him to read,test,or refill his perscription. i figure I am the one that will have to deal with the mood swings and selfishness,because i love him and vowed to spend the rest of my life with him. i’m not a martyr and maybe some day I’ll reach the end of my rope,but a good support group would really help!! how does one get one going? no one in my city seems to know anything! this web site hasa been a Godsend to me for sure, but I’m in the state of washington and you’all are far away!! just glad there is a forum for me to read and question on.

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[Anonymous]

My husband and I both believe he has ADD but he refuses to get diagnosed. I have watched the DVD “Totally ADD and loving it?”. After watching it twice, I am now aware of all the symptoms he has and realize how it effects our entire family. I have resorted putting our 10 yr old in therapy because of his behavior. She is anxious and nervous around him because she never knows how he going to behave. He knows she’s in therapy but doesn’t understand that it is due to his behavior. I have said to him that he needs to watch the DVD but refuses. We are grasping at straws trying to keep our sanity. Can any one make a suggestion, anything, that can help me guide him to at least go to the doctor? Thank you

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[munchkin]

Lily -Unprofessional opinion of a person with ADD: If he really does have ADD, then he has probably already been told he has this or that problem his whole life, and the DVD’s to watch or the solutions given were soul crushingly useless for him because they weren’t for ADD – they were for time management or how to have a great attitude. That may be why he is so resistent to your suggestions. When the wrong solution is given it becomes another failure, and an opportunity to be told by other people: You are not OK, things are your fault, you have a bad attitude, you’re not trying, etc. this is what he may be expecting once again.

Not that this is a good excuse, but he has a reason to be skeptical, and to want to avoid going ’round the merry-go-round one more time. The great thing is that you have found some new knowledge that could help your family. All you can do is make that available to him, with as little judgment as you can muster given the circumstances, and hope.

Guilt about his daughter’s anxiety… depending on the person, this could make one more defensive than ever. How to create an emotionally safe haven for him to hear the information without judgement or expectations? Leave the DVD sitting around and give him lots of alone time? Perhaps he feels your frustration and impatience to move forward with this idea and this creates unwanted pressure/anxiety/avoidance. If he could feel that you relax your agenda and let things be on his timeline, maybe he could bring down his defenses…

Most important – do what you need to do for your own sanity. You can’t ultimately control what’s going to happen with him and his “maybe-ADD.”

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