Girls on girls (no, it's not what you think)

[Anonymous]

Hello everyone,

I’m wondering if any other females out there have had the same difficulties making friends with women? Or being accepted by other women?

I’ve only just stumbled across ADHD as something I might have in the course of researching it on behalf of my 6 year old and I believe I’ve had it from an early age. Possibly always.

One of the most difficult and painful things I’ve had to deal with over the years is that I am not accepted by and don’t generally get along with other women. I never understood it – always put it down to me being a ‘bit of a lad’ (read – likes a drink and can beat most men at pool and arm wrestles). My husband always joked I was a man in a previous life. But really, I think I know now – they just have their shit together in a way that I really don’t.

Most women I know just don’t get me. They are super scarily organised and clean everything all the time. constantly wiping, hoovering, mopping, plumping etc etc. They actually really care what their hair looks like AT ALL TIMES. And they change their wardrobes every season.

I hoover when my feet make a ‘crunch’ noise on the floor. I try to maintain a clutter free house – but don’t really manage. I wear the same jeans until they fall off. Only when you can see my (very old) knickers, do I buy a new pair.

I am on the periphery of a group of women who are like stepford wives – there are a couple of them who ‘get me’ and I know they are almost being rebellious by being my friend – I’m a bit like their pet. This used to cause me a lot of distress – as a mum I wanted to fit in and wanted to be part of this group. But actually – when ever I did go to any of their gatherings all they did was talk about their fucking weight!! I’m afraid I did actually come out with – ‘yes you are very fat, now lets move on and get drunk’. Just. Boring. I just don’t understand where the pleasure is in a load of women getting together to criticise each other’s bodies! Men don’t do that!!

The female friends I have got are all a bit eclectic and diverse – they’re either arty tyeps, actresses/singers/filmmakers, bi-polar, or total hippies. None of them know each other – I’ve ‘collected’ them over the years and I’m devout about my friendship to them.

So another revelation due to this site – I AM different from them and I know I frighten them a bit. But actually – I no longer care. You don’t need to be part of the crowd to be ok.

I’d just be interested to see if any other women have had this experience. I’m very anti any stereotypes and found the restrictions of how ‘to be a girl’ totally demoralising and debilitating as a teenager. I suppose, challenging the norms – in this case pre conceived ideals of femininity is a very ADHD thing to do.

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[Carrie]

hahahahahaha Yes EXACTLY! Growing up all my friends were guys. We would play floor hockey, cards, ping pong. I would have one girl who was my best friend and come with me on adventures. Once I was grown up my friends were guys, I worked with guys. They are just MUCH easier to get along with! No drama. If they are mad they tell you straight to your face, throw something, yell and then bing bang boom! Over and done with! Thats the way I am too with anger… half the time I forget why I was angry in the first place.

They also don’t gossip which I CANT STAND! As soon as the women at work start that I leave. See ya later! Ive got better things to do with my time thanks!

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[Scattybird]

When I was a kid I was always described as a ‘tomboy’. Maybe it was because I grew up with an older brother. But my Mother always encouraged my interests and she was always interested in different things – never the usual mumsy things of the times, although I couldn’t fault her as a caring mother.

As a kid, any dolls I had used to be tied up as backup team members when we climbed dangerous mountains (the stairs in the dark!) or were ignored. Other girls I knew dressed theirs up and combed their hair – WTF was THAT about!

I remember being acutely aware that I was different from the other girls at school – they loved to play with dolls and play at having tea parties. I preferred to climb trees and play catch or fight with the boys. As I got older, the girls liked to go to the shops and gossip about….well I don’t know what about. I hate shops.

At college my friendship group consisted of males and females but I had more in common with the guys.

Now, I have very few really good friends but oddly the two that are closest are both women. They are both very different from each other and don’t know each other. But they are similar in that they are not at all like the women I know at work or as neighbours. They have interests in their lives and accept me for what and who I am.

Perhaps that’s it – other women I know seem to want me to live my life as they think I should and that makes me mad as hell. They don’t ‘get me’ but want to change me whereas my two friends have quirks too and accept me for me.

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[allan wallace]

Very interesting! I don’t have many friends anymore either, but women appeal to me more than men. They aren’t as boring. Men bore me when they waffle on about their jobs, or how important they are, or how rich they are, or God forbid, start talking about beer and cars…*pukes*…girls are sweeter, and more inclined to talk about books, babies, and philosophical things. Except my wife odf course, she’s more into celebrity gossip *megapuke*, and fashion stuff….actually, now that I really think about it, most people are terminally boring, no? Gawdsakes, little wonder that we’re inclined to daydream and develop an affection for drugs, eh?

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[Robbo]

Yep, I’ve had those same struggles. Especially when they see my adams apple and yell IMPOSTER!. Or when I trip trying to walk with high heels on.

gotta go…

Peace.

PS I posted the above remarks n then read the rest of this thread. We got some cool chicks here lady. Lot’s of my close friends have been women, it used to be less socially acceptable for men to hang out with the opposite sex with anything on their mind besides sex!, but I did manage to pull that off occasionally. (I’m not telling you the whole truth, but heck, this is not an opportunity to brag about my conquests or athletic abilities)

The best friend I have had for the last 5 or 6 years has been a woman. She’s my next door neighbor. Unfortunately I haven’t been much of a friend lately, so I’ll make a promise to myself to spend more time with her. She’s really cool. She’s ADHD too, most of her friends have been men.

ukay, good luck, I hope you find the tons of cool help that I’ve found here. It takes time.

Smile!, you’re on your way to having a much better, more satisfying life.

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[Anonymous]

Well, again, great to know I’m not alone.

No to bitchy gossip!

Yes to excepting friends as they are, warts and all.

I had an Action Man as a child. He always did the most despicable things to my sister’s Sindy dolls…..

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[Amy]

I’m a tomboy too and have always made friends with guys easier than I do women. What’s funny though is that my two girls are very girly girly and into princesses. I don’t know what to do with them! I guess that’s the same thing my mom said about my being a tomboy!

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[allan wallace]

Yikes, does preferring the company of girls make me a ‘tomgirl’? I’m not into dolls or fashion, but I do enjoy having a jolly good whinge… at many jobs I’ve been called a Prima Donna, or a drama queen, heck, when I was a macho bridge guy thingy my nicknames were ‘Jemima’ and ‘Flanders’! 😆 I have no interest in cars, or tinkering in a garage with hammers or chisels, and prefer to sip tea over slurping on a beer. Hmmm, just remembered, my mum used to call me a ‘big jessie’ too given my terror of spiders and bugs… 😯 …I’m a tomgirl! 😆

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[nellie]

Can it be true? My goodness I relate to all of what you girls say! I was tomboy as a kid and then most of my friends later on were guys. My current friends are limited to some more “original” characters than the typical cliquey woman. I don’t have signature dishes or an orderly household. But i do a &8*8$load of stuff they don’t! But to be honest I do love to shop and buy clothes and I love shoes and purses!

On the other hand, the fact that we might relate better to guys ( although I have developed more social skills with women over the years ) is that ADHD people are not exactly good at letting people get close to them. Men in general are less likely to be good at sharing their feelings so it all works out well that way. Nice and convenient really

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[Scattybird]

Interesting nellie. I wonder how general it is that ADHD folk don’t like people getting too close? I know I don’t. I can feel myself prickle when anyone asks anything personal. I am happy to chat away but when I feel like they are prying I shut down.

I don’t mind some shopping – I like spending money on nice things but I rarely do – apart from the money aspect, the crowds and hussle of shops are what put me off.

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[Anonymous]

Hey AliD – I recognize everything you talked about. I was so lost in my own world as a child – day dreamer is what I was called- but I wasn’t dreaming, I was thinking!And Scattybird – loved the Barb!ie story! I did have Barbies and would obsessively change their outfits all afternoon, by myself. I didn’t care if anyone else was playing. And my favorite Christmas present ever – a battery operated Roman galley ship! It didn’t even occur to me that it was a “boys toy”. Thank you ladies for sharing your stories. It makes me feel a little less weird.

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[Patte Rosebank]

I’ve never understood women’s comedy, “chick-lit”, “chick flicks”, sky-high heels, big weddings, babies, and all the other things that women are supposed to be mad about.

To me, high-heels are needlessly painful things, which destroy your feet & body, and make it difficult to walk (let alone run from danger).

Why do women make such a big deal about their wedding & wedding dress, but give almost no thought at all to what really matters: the actual marriage that results?

Why do they make such a big deal about having a baby, when even an amoeba can reproduce?

Why do they insist on starving themselves to fit into shabbily-made, totally impractical clothes, just because some pompous ass declares that it’s “fashionable”? Obsessing over your weight just makes you feel miserable.

The only women’s magazines I enjoy reading are the ones from the 1980s and earlier (and then, purely to wallow in the glow of nostalgia for the fashions—since, as a costumer, I love historical clothing—and to soak up the popular culture of another era).

Comedy is another thing that isn’t considered ladylike. I have never understood “women’s” comedy. However, I love Laurel & Hardy, silly radio comedy (past & present), and Red Green. Most women aren’t keen on physical comedy or Red Green, but I am a proud card-carrying member of the Possum Lodge—with a membership number somewhere in the low 4000s, which gives you an idea of how long ago I joined.

Sure, I wore frilly dresses and played with Sindy dolls when I was a kid. (My mom, ahead of her time, refused to let me play with Barbies, due to their unhealthy body image, but Sindy dolls of that time had much more realistic bodies, so I had several of them, and the dollhouse with all the furniture & accessories.) I loved making my hair & make-up look perfect when I was in my teens & twenties. But now, it all seems quite ridiculous, and I prefer quick-and-easy hair & make-up, so I can spend my time on more important things.

I wonder if this whole gender-difference thing among people with ADD is common enough to be considered among the list of symptoms…

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[Scattybird]

Larynxa – maybe there is no difference between us and non-ADD women – maybe we are all the same, but our wiring means we’re more honest and don’t feel the need to conform to some societal expectation since we don’t fit in other respects anyway.

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[Robbo]

Wow, lot’s of great comments you guys. It’s super hard to keep this post from turning into a book!.

<<” wonder how general it is that ADHD folk don’t like people getting too close? “>> That could be a whole new thread. Big issue for me. I really rambled on and on for this thread. Then just decided to keep it for my journal. I think the sun going down so early, the holidays looming…. and all the relationships I’ve pulled away from in the last six months has added up to make me grateful I have a therapist to talk to about all this. I’m having an issue with deciding to keep working with her or not also. That sux…

My parents really tried to turn me into a momma’s boy. I realized at about age 7 what they were up to. I HATED THAT. I wish I could say it doesn’t still cause me a little grief thinking about it. But once again. I’m faced with forgiving my parents for being human beings. Or I suffer more than I need to from the lasting neurosis’ that I got growing up in that house.

At first I clicked on this thread today because I couldn’t remember what it was about. Hmmm. Guess I’m still not cured from my ADHD huh?

It’s okay to be different, and it’s not a crime to feel like sometimes ya may have been born in the wrong body. There’s a small number of stuff women get to do that I’m sorta envious of. Fortunately I get to have super long rock star like hair. It’s about as long as Ted Nugent used to keep his. One of my little old lady neighbors always tells me how my hair is so “beautiful”. and I remind her that the correct word to use is handsome. She doesn’t care, ignores me n says I’m beautiful. UGH

I wrote a bunch of funny stuff. But I don’t want to make fun of myself too much. I know we’re all sensitive about this stuff. Probably too much. But I gotta respect people as is. I like you guys, and think you’re valuable people to have in my life. Making fun of myself comes too close to making fun of you guys at the same time. I’ll end up beating myself up.

Be happy n smile you guys.

Thanks.

PS this kinda reminds me of a great blog Rick wrote called “I’M NOT A WOMAN” http://totallyadd.com/i-am-not-a-woman/

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[Anonymous]

I was not a Tom boy so much as non gender specific. I liked dolls and frogs. I saw a guy with a rat tail (in the 80’s), so I cut it off. I was usually strawberry shortcake or a princess for halloween.

That said, I did have girl friends at home, but at school I hung out with younger kids and boys. I did see something about ADD’ers being about 30% younger socially than their chronilogical age, so maybe that’s part of the reason, but maybe it was partly their choice (the other girls). They were always so judgey, and I was so awkward and different. Just blurting things out inapropriately, and stuff.

In my teens and early twenties I had one close girl friend and the rest of our clique. But I was still more comfortable around boys. Even now I feel awkward initiating a conversation with anyone. But guys tend to get my jokes better.

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[Author]

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